Ever been in an abusive relationship that affected you emotionally?

Hi everyone my name is nidza and im 22. i have a problem. i was in an abusive reltionship for a year and all the things that were said to lower my self-esteem seems to still affect me. I can't go out without thinking that people are looking how fat i am, or even wit my husband i get real embarassed wit my body and its been 4 years. i'm looking for some advice that will help me feel better about myself. any suggestions?

Right now, make a list of everything you love about yourself. 10 things. Make half of them about your body, and half about your personality. Now make a list of 3 things you would like to change about yourself - inside or out - no more than 3. Let's go from there.

I would say that you should yes figure out what you want to change about yourself and then do what you can to change them.  Try not to worry about what other ppl think its what you think is important.  Also let go of that abusive relationship, holding on to it and placing blame on it give it too much power over your life.  Its done and over with you got out of it because it was damaging and unhealthy try to find a way to let it go cause holding on to it is just as unhealthy and damaging.  

Take it one day at a time, and constantly be making small adjustments to your thought process that allows you to let go of the damaging relationship little by little.

It's not fair to you or your husband and your marriage to still be allowing the previous jerk to have power over you.  The abusive guy doesn't deserve anymore of your time or energy! 

I know it's not easy.  I was married twice before my current husband, and both situations were extremely damaging and draining.  Even now I revert back to old thoughts and feelings, and it keeps me from putting my whole heart into what I have now.  My current husband is extremely patient and understanding, and because of that I've learned to trust what he tells me, instead of allowing myself to hold on to the horrible things I've been told before.

Don't expect to feel better all at once, but you have to try.  The past is the past, and your husband deserves all of you!

I know exactly how you feel - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a year.  My ex would tell me all the time that nobody would ever want to be with me because of the way that i look, that I would never be good enough for anyone to love, etc.  It's been really hard for me to get past it, and in some ways I'm not over it, either.  

Your husband obviously loves you the way you are.  That's the way I always try to look at it - my boyfriend loves me for who I am, right now.  It doesn't matter to him that I am overweight.  It doesn't matter to my friends, or my family - they love me for who I am.  So whenever I feel it starting to affect me, I think about the people who do care about me, and it helps me to realize that the problem my ex had wasn't me - it was an issue that he had.  Someone that belittles you to that point in an abusive relationship clearly has their own issues to deal with, and what they say about you isn't true - I believed what my ex said for a long time, but my current boyfriend has helped me to change my perception of myself in ways that he can never know.  Weight is but a small part of who you are, and you have to look at the good things. You can't let what someone else says define you.

thank you so much for your input. its nice to know theres still people out there that take the time to help others

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to move past emotional scars.  I know it may sound corny but a good exercise is every day in the mirror just look at yourself and say out loud, "I love myself just the way I am right now," or something like that. Say out loud "I'm beautiful."  "I'm intelligent."  or any other affirmative statement about yourself.  You may not always feel it's true. Your mind may start telling you all the reasons why what you're saying is a lie, but just ignore that and say it all the positive statements out loud.  Eventually you will believe it.  

Nidza you say you were in an abusive relationship for a year and all the things that were said to lower your self-esteem seem to still affect you. You also said it's been 4 years since that abusive relationship correct? Dear if you continue to let the things that person said and did still affect you after 4 years then can you really say that you "were" in an abusive relationship. In a sense aren't you still in that abusive relationship? Your probably thinking what is she talking about? Well, maybe your not there physically, but emotionally your still letting it affect you, so it's as if your still in that relationship. Do you want this person to always have control over your emotions? No I don't think you do, because then he wins. Yes, he wins cause in a sense he still is abusing you emotionally and mentally. Please Nidza do positive things to break loose from your ex's mental and emotional abuse. Do as someone said above. Look in the mirror and say I'm beautiful, I'm intellegent, I'm talented, I'm funny, and most importantly look really close and say I AM LOVED!! I am speaking to you from experience. It was almost 6 years before I stopped allowing my ex-husband to control my emotions. 6 long wasted years of missing out on a lot of good things. But now I'm 45 still battling with my weight, but girl I am the bomb!!! I remarried and my husband loves me for me. He thinks I'm sexy even though I'm overweight. Everything my ex put me down for, my now husband doesn't think or even know they exist. They existed ONLY because I allowed my ex to still control and abuse me emotionally. Not anymore!!! Don't waste away the years. Be happy and love the person you are and enjoy the husband you have now. That's right "YOU ARE THE BOMB" :) :) :)  

Oh Nidza! My heart aches for you. I had an abusive boyfriend who used to tell me how fat I was all the time, and that was when I was ten pounds lighter than I am now!! It's amazing how sometimes the feelings that he made me feel can creep back up. I still have nights where I can't sleep because I can't get him out of my head. But those nights are fewer and farther between. You can get past this! You were strong enough to leave the abusive guy, and you are strong enough to get over him!

Honestly, working out and loosing weight have really built my confidence. I've only lost 4.5 pounds, but I feel like a million bucks! It helps that I have my husband on my side telling me how proud he is of me, and not chastising me when I eat 50 calories more than I should. :)

I believe in you girl!

I was in two abusive relationships both verbal and physical. After the last one ,I would start dating again and every time a guy would raise his hand i would jump. I try-ed lots of Consulars, self help books and none could never change how i felt about myself. What helped me was knowing that if the God who created the whole universe loves me  and every person  in it. Then why  the heck should i care about what someone thinks of me. Give it a try its very freeing!

thank you guys. thys is helping me through thys rough hill i have to overcome. i know i cant let thys loser still effect me. i will start believing i am beautiful. 

Hi

I was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 28 years, I managed to escape 2 years ago but it is still hurting. He is now doing it to my 17 year old son and I feel like I have lost my son, who is being his puppet and has not talked to me for 2 years. Count your blessings that you got out early in life and have a chance to live life and you didn't have kids with this jerk.

I am now in recovery, I find reading books on positive living help a lot - like the Sark books. Live, love and laugh and be grateful for your escape :)

You are beautiful :)

Another thing you need to remember (this is also to any woman who has been in a damaging relationship)...

Letting go of what happened doesn't mean that what happened is okay.  It took me a while to realize that, especially with husband #2... I felt like if I let go of my fear and anger that suddenly would make how he treated me okay.  I will never accept his abuse, but I don't want anymore of my life to be wasted on someone who has thinks they have the right to treat anyone like that!

It just means you're wanting a better life, and that you realize you deserve so much more :)

yup, i'm 27, and female. My ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Good thing though, because him leaving me for a 12 year old phillipino woman was the best thing that he ever did: exit my life.