Acceptance

So far in my weight gain recovery and for me even to speak numbers is big cause for some reason I don't like to but I have gained 25 pounds. I am not yet at a healthy bmi and promised myself I would reach that not just a low number. Things overall are doing better. I am pushing myself as much as I can due to my other health issues I am limited because of my pain but like tomorrow am taking a morning class and have went out to lunch with people. I am so anxious about my body and really don't even know how to feel. This is like a whole new way of living and feeling. I have never been healthy as an adult with my eating or weight and even through all my inpatients and outpatients have not done as well as now. I am now up to 3000 a day from the stuck 2500 which I promised I would follow until I reached a normal bmi. This is hard to not live in the better only when I already have gained so much. I guess what I am asking is how others accept there body changes,allow themselves to reach a normal bmi and not just live in the better while eating the high calorie diet? The comments are becoming more about the weight gain which I know is good just hard. Also my moms anorexia and I am trying to work on that we are different and I can only change myself. We live apart but she is my best friend and really I look up to her. She is so supportive of me getting well all around.I am trying to focus on the positives and how much more I am doing life wise. Just so scared. What helps others stay motivated and accept?Thanks

Abbi you are doing really well to be pushing yourself so hard. Well done for what you have gained so far and I`m glad to hear your aiming to get to a healthy bmi:-). Eating out more often and going out more is great you should try and keep that up as much as you can.

For me my main motivation is I just really really want to be back to normal and they way I used to be. I get so frustrated with life at the minute and the fact that I`m limited from doing things I would like to all because of my ED, such as going traveling without any food worries, doing exercises I used to be able to do and enjoy like cycling, going out for dinner, wearing nice clothes that actually fit. So whenever I find I`m struggling I think to myself what has my ED given me and then I think what could I have without it? That helps to spur me on a bit.

Also reminding myself that the longer this keeps going on the more damage I am just doing to myself overall. I read about people who are really experiencing some bad side effects from their EDs now and regretting the years they spent locked in an ED, I dont want to be like that. I dont want to be 80 and sitting in a nursing home telling some young care assistant that I was stupid as a young girl and I wasted some of the best years of my life.

As for accepting your weight gain, I`m finding this difficult myself. Again I use the same ideas as above to keep me going but I also say to myself logically my weight is in whatever range that may be and I am not in an overweight range, if that makes sense. Sometimes in my head I also pick an image of a someone you really admire and think looks great and aspire to be them. I love wrestling for example and I think the female wrestlers are beautiful, Id love to have their big muscles and be strong like them. They arent thin and scrawny and Id love to look like Beth Phoenix or Chyna, but first I need to get a bit of weight on me.

Im sure other people have some better ideas, I hope some of that made sense and helped a bit.

Keep going, your doing really well xox

i can completely relate to everything you're saying, abbi. i don't have a whole lot of advice, seeing as how i'm really struggling right now with accepting all these changes associated with weight gain.  "acceptance" is really the word that pretty much sums it all up.  i, too, have been sick for over half my life now, and i really have a hard time knowing what i'm going "back" to.  i simply don't remember what "real life" feels like.  my mother also has had some pretty serious issues regarding food and restriction, though she's mostly been in denial about it all along. she and i were really close, but my illness and her denial have really pulled us apart.  i think sometimes when she looks at me she sees herself and she's not ready to yet. and it's hard for me to accept her support and love, when i can see how shut down she is. such unhealthy dynamics really have gotten in the way of my getting "well."  i'm glad that your mother is there for you, and that you can lean on her for strength. i think that's very important.

i too have gained a very significant amount of weight, and it's very hard for me to cope with.  but i like to think that time will ease the rawness of it all and that slowly other things will begin to fill in the vast emptiness i feel.  but with or without the disorder, i've never felt at peace, so really i see the purpose that my illness has served for me.  i think that's important, too...being able to have a firm grasp on why you needed to create the coping method to begin with.  a lot of times people refer to "recovery" as a "fight," and really that's how it feels...but i'm trying hard to change my perspective so that i can maybe accept, embrace and then slowly let go of the voices that actually have protected me from my pain for so long. i think if i just pummel them into oblivion that they will probably re-emerge in some form later on.

i  can also relate to the things that you say about not being able to do certain things like traveling, social activities, exercising, etc.  i've grown so used to not being able to do those things, that i really don't even notice it until i start to think about the things i cant really do anymore.  so maybe as we gain health and can start to incorporate such activities, they can start to take the place of the "high" that being sick brings.  i dont know.

i know i cant really help much, at this point i'm pretty over-caffeinated and undermotivated.  at this point i'm just going through the motions so that i can give real life a chance. maybe if i keep going it will begin to feel worth it. apparently things have to get worse before they get better, and i dont really trust that they will get better, but maybe i'll be pleasantly surprised. it's worth a shot, i guess.

you are always so supportive, helpful and wise. i think you are such a nice person and you deserve so much.. i really respect your strength and courage.

<3

Abbi, all I can say is congratulations – truly. You are doing a very difficult, commendable, brave, and what will ultimately be, I believe, worthwhile thing. You have my full support and admiration. In fact I am in complete awe – you are battling with additional foes like significant physical ailments and the influence of a mother who is also eating disordered (not that she herself is your foe, but the impact of her ED no doubt has been). I’m probably at a similar stage in my journey now, even though I’m “weight restored”. But psychologically speaking, you seem further progressed – I mean you’re going out to lunch with people – wow! What helps to keep me motivated first and foremost is calorie counter - everyone on here serves as my support team. I really do receive such tremendous inspiration from you wonderful human beings. *hugs*. After that, my parents. I realise that I really must get better for them. I owe it to them to at least try my very best, as they have tried so hard to do everything they can for me.

Reading all the posts on this thread... You girls just humble me completely. Such strong, wise and incredible individuals. I'd marry all of you! :P

Thank you for your input and positve comments too.

Betty I agree about looking at what the ed has taken away and things one wants to enjoy which can only happen without the ed. I hope you try to push yourself to do things that you enjoy even through some social fears because it does get easier.

Cruumb I can really relate about what is a "normal" life? I often don't even know how one should feel,think,or do.  I am sorry about your mom and that you had to create distance. I hope soon you can have a relationship and still take care of yourself. I am thankful my mom is supportive and is there so much for me. I do have to work on focusing on what I need and that we are different cause I tend to what to be just like her and that is not healthy. I have had so much therapy about the why behind my ed and now I am finally working through the why's instead of numbing through the ed. Thank you for your compliment and I want you to know how strong I think you are too. I know you are frustrated and sound down at the moment with your body/self but please hang in there and see how far you have come

Nina Thank you for showing me my progress. You can be more social etc but one has to push through there comfort zone. I am assuming you are a teen though may be wrong and I know that can bring a lot of changes. I also agree that the ed really hurts the people around us. I try to remind myself that I want people now to see me strong and healthy.

Thank you again. I had my class this morning and I am really proud I pushed and did it. I guess for me right now on the weight gain I am accpeting it for the hopes of a better life and why I am working on goals of things to do to make me more fufilled. Like I said I have a chronic pain condition and it limits me but I am so thankful to be able to do what I can cause I used to be in bed from pain. This is non ed related though of course ed does not help it so I am also trying to use it as a motivator to recover. Well thank you all

You deserve a better, ED-free life abbi. And I'm so glad that you're actively pushing for it. You have set a number of positive goals for yourself that will really work in your favour. Every little step in the right direction counts. I'm proud of you for attending your class - did you enjoy it? What I'm currently trying to get a hold on is how to motivate myself without "pushing TOO hard".

And by the way, I'm 26 :P - Everyone on here seems to think I'm a teen! I'm not quite sure what to think of that :)

Thanks Nina. Yes the class was good but best of all I had to take a test and I did well. It is hard for me to concentrate with my level of pain so this was very positive. As for you setting goals I think you are right extremes are not good. How about some hobbies? Do you like crafts or any time of group? That may be a good start cause it is carefree and you may meet people. I think since many are so young that could be a possible why people think you are younger. Also your picture you look younger. So do I though. I got carded for a lotto ticket and I am 31. You give mature advice though so it is not in your tone. Thanks again

Hello abbi, congratulations on doing well on your test *hugs*

What I am struggling with (like many post ED), is trying to find a "me" beyond the eating disorder - i.e. a me with "hobbies". I don't even know what I like? I suppose I could try to look at that in a positive way as if I'm starting out like a child again - and I can try a whole bunch of different things in order to find out. I'm trying hard to be positive about it, as scary as it can be. But I have to move beyond what is "safe". After all, this so-called, self-imposed "safety" has only wrought destruction on my life.

wow, NINA, i feel like were in the exact same spot, idk if uve read any of my posts but wow, i think, very similar, best of luck

Best of luck to you too, agru *hugs*

"Recovery" (and this forum) has become a bit of a hobby in and of itself. But I realise I really must branch out from this, or my identity will remain "sick" for the rest of my life. I want for all of us to heal and to be happy.

Nina-leaving this forum is pivotal, crucial, for recovery, in my opinion,

it helped a ton at 1st since i did it on my own basically but at a certain point, u need to leave.  ive taken many breaks and am now a bit more able to seperate myself from the ED thoghts+behaviors circulated on the entire site, and this forum, im able to give advice and ignore harmful behaviors+thoguhts of others but really, this is a comp website, NOT REAL LIFE.  its super hard, super hard, but we gotta get out there!

my challnege, im going to Paris in a few hrs w/my father! lol it should be great tho!!

Hi. Thanks I was concerned about the test but am really happy. Now I have to wait to see if all the credits are going to transfer. Anyhow I can relate to not knowing what one likes for hobbies etc. For myself I have just been trying different things like a couple hour bead class. So if you hate it at least you tried and you move on to the next. I also know for me I developed my ed as a teen so what I enjoyed back then is not going to be the same and also I have more responsibilites then before. I guess I am going into each new thing I do is if I don't  suceed or can't do it at least I tried and that is a success in itself. I would encourage you to try to think the same.

Agruskin I don't think it has to be all or nothing in suuport forums like this. It can be a balance. I do feel people can become addicted to these type of boards and they can take the place of healthy thing which is not good. Balance is the key. So spend time on here but then push yourself to a movie or ask a friend to coffee. Good job on Paris now that is definate out of comfort zone but hopefully it will be a blast.

Yes agru enjoy yourself in Paris! As far as departures from one's comfort zone go, that's a pretty pleasing one :) I truly hope that you have a wonderful time. Maybe you can even eat a snail or two :P (that would no doubt stun ED into submission).

Admittedly this board has become a bit addictive for me. The nature of my personality is rather addictive/(obsessive), and it transfers from one thing to another. But really, I've been housebound for months so it's no huge surprise that it's taken this form. When I re-enter the "world out there" my contributions here will no doubt drop off substantially. But I feel like it has assisted my healing in many respects, and I have come to meet many beautiful new friends for which I am truly appreciative.

abbi I agree that trying something even if it is merely to discover you don't enjoy it is a form of success in and of itself. The fact of the matter is you're TRYING. You're pushing yourself, experiencing something new, living life. Besides, an achievement IS gained - the result is that you find out that it isn't for you. And so you can move on to the next experiment.