Acceptance

Hey guys,

I'm having a tough time with gaining weight at the moment regarding accepting a few things. I find it difficult to accept that I'm a) underweight b) have a problem c) need to gain and d) need to eat 2500 calories. I'm in an outpatient programme for around 10 months now. Oddly these four things are the only issues I have now; my emotions are much better! My BMI is around 17 at the moment. I was at 19 in May but relapsed (although I didn't really intend to... I just started exercising too much). I'm quite frustrated with myself by putting myself back into a position where I need to gain. I've also found myself 'binging' (well, not really, just eating more than I'd like) which was something I didn't want to go back to!

Anyway, rant over. I guess I just need some support. I'd particularly like to know how you all accepted the need to gain weight. I found it easier when I was at BMI 15 because I knew my health was seriously at risk, but it isn't now, and so justifying it is becoming more and more difficult. I want to be healthy, yes, but I have this bizarre ED mindset that makes me think I don't need to eat as much or weigh as much.

Girlplurality, Im in the same boat, so I would be glad to hear your opinion, experiences  on this idea...we all need support!

Your description sounds exactly like myself.  Bizarre.  I'm also in the same boat.  It's tough!!

You are ill. You know your relationship with food is unhealthy. You know you are clinically underweight and you know you cannot trust yourself to be honest about your reality. That being said you need to trust that everything will be okay If you just let go. Eat what you're supposed to, gain to a healthy weight, and see that there is nothing wrong with that. You haven't gained the ability to think clearly becuase if you have then you wouldn't be at this point. There is absolutely no question that you still need to be gaining because you are clinically underweight and susceptible to relapse at any moment. You need to get healthy and you deserve it.

Ask yourself these things:

1. What am I protecting and preserving and how does it help me?

2. Am I happier now, being underweight, than I am when my family and friends aren't worried to death about my health because I'm healthy?

3. What good has come from maintaining this illness?

4. Who is in my life now that would be gone if I got healthy? Would I want these people in my life anyway if I were healthy?

5. What is it about the weight that is scary? Already I can imagine you feeling ashamed of your too thin frame or your bloated belly from malnourishment ( not to be mean but that's how I felt about myself so I figured that my body was only a source of shame and a sign of my own inability to cope with life in a healthy manner...so I stopped. I resolved to get healthy and you deserve a long and happy life that won't come until you learn to love yourself and that includes nourishing your body!!y

I don't want to be harsh at all because I completely relate but you can do this and you won't be sorry you did. PM me if you want to chat or need support. I'm here to help!

BMI 17:

Your health is seriously at risk now, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Here is what your body is doing now:

1. It lays down what little fat it can around the vital organs (which actually increases risks for heart disease in later life); 
2. it pilfers calcium from bones leading to osteoporosis in later life;
3. it slows the metabolism to try to eek as much as it can from the little calories it can get (which leads to pre-metabolic syndrome/diabetes -- which surprises a lot of habitual under-eaters because they assume those are only diseases of the obese, not so);
4. it ignores the huge piggy glucose demands from the prefrontal cortex (which leads to slowed thought and poor judgment);
5. it ups the glucco-corticoids in the body (stress response) which in turn shrinks the hippocampus in the brain and that causes more glucco-corticoids in the body (vicious circle) and wrecks your memory capability possibly leading to dementia in later life. 

This happens with continued under-eating in the 900-1200 calorie a day range and the 1200-1600 range for women -- especially if they are active. The only difference is its a decline over decades rather than the immediate dump of anorexia.

Wow, thanks Chrissy and Hedgren! I had no idea about those health issues...I suppose part of the acceptance is learning to realise that I am ill and underweight.

i can totally relate to how you feel all i can do is give you my experience my bmi is 17 also .from a bmi of 10 . although i sometimes think i dont need to gain i realise deep down i do . i have no periods , i still lack energy i have the bones of a 90 year old in order to repair them i need to reach a healthy weight. i dont feel happy when im underweight , i have no bust , i still get tired all the time , and have lack of interest . although you feel its ok to stay at a bmi of 17 it isnt , its the ed talking,its not just the outside that is damaged its the inside to your heart skin teeth . i maintained a low bmi for many years thinking i was ok , i now i have osteophrosis lost teeth and id say i feel 20 years older than i am. is it worth risking your health just to stay underweight ?your mind is still starved those ed thoughts wont get any easier still you reach a healthy weight. i know its hard dont get me wrong i know , but you need to do it there a whole life out there waiting for you but you need to be healthy first and a bmi of 17 is to low all my love h x