How to not take on adult children's issues

 I accept that my son is going to make decisions that I do not agree with; I just have trouble not feeling badly when things go awry.  For my own sanity I need to find a way to not feel like crap when he messes up. 

Unfortunately it appears that it takes a lot for him to "learn the hard way."  He's about to be dismissed from his major and probably the university- not because he is unable to do the work- but because he lives in the moment.  I know that he brings it on himself and these are the consequences he deserves, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch.  I don't understand how he can let things slip away even though they are important to him.  I've seen this pattern with him for several years and it's painful and dumbfounding to me. 

I don't think we ever stop feeling like crap if our kids mess up. I have intervened with my kids on more than one occasion if I thought they were headed for trouble.

My position, now they are adults, is that if I don't tell them the truth about what is going on, who will? I did not speak to them as their mother neccessarily - no nagging or finger pointing - but as one adult to another.

Ludz... I'm not a parent but I was in your son's position many years ago.  I too lived in the moment and loved all those moments a little too much.  I got carried away at university and allowed my bad habits to override my limited common sense.

I was smart, but I was impulsive and didn't think things through well enough.  Ultimately... I was a bit young for university even though all my friends were the same age and doing well.  Part of my problem was that I never learned to study because I cruised through high school with good grades and never cracking a book...

I got what we in Canada call a "dean's vacation"!  I was crushed, but wouldn't let on to anyone that it bothered me.  But that september when all my friends went back to university I was miserable and cried and decided that I was going to do everything that I could to get back into school.  So I took the necessary credits elsewhere and got my butt back into university.  It took me 18 months but I did it.

Today I have a B.Sc and a M.Sc and I have a very, VERY good job.  After I got my M.Sc. I  turned down 2 offers for a Ph.D. because I wanted to get out in the world and work for a while.  Now after working for a number of years I am considering going back part-time to get a Ph.D. 

It took getting kicked out of university for me to grow up.  While I know that this information doesn't make you feel any better about your son's choices... hopefully it will relieve some of your concern about his future.  Some of us learn the hard way... but the lesson's we learn are valuable and when my friends compare me to them now they say that I'm much more competent at dealing with life than they are... I learned how to fail and how to recover from failure... many of them never did.

Don't get to upset... this may be the way he learns to rebound from defeat.

yeah even if he is an adult, if he feels that you are nagging him in anyway, he'll still act like a child. and nagging is very subjective even if you don't feel like you do. it's sort of a no win situation, if you don't say anything to him then later on he'll go 'why didn't you tell me'. you just have to say it to him once as an adult to adult. that way you've done your mom-job.

and it depends on the severity of the situation. i mean as far as college goes, maybe once he's realized the importance of a college education he'll get back on track and he'll make the most of it, even after he's strayed. its really not like he can never go back to finish his degree, it will be harder, no mistake about it but its not the worst thing, especially not for you to feel bad. as long as he's not doing any irreparable damage to his future (like robbing a convenience store or something) you'll have to let him make his own mistakes.

its hard to see your loved ones do that, but in the end if you know he's a good person with some intelligence he'll eventually make the right decisions. you'll just have to trust that you have done your best job to raise him and that he'll apply some of those good qualities you gave him.

we know that he'll regret whatever he lets slip away but it doesn't sound like he fully understands that, it hasn't hit him on his gut level or something. 

Original Post by luzd:

 I accept that my son is going to make decisions that I do not agree with; I just have trouble not feeling badly when things go awry.  For my own sanity I need to find a way to not feel like crap when he messes up. 

Unfortunately it appears that it takes a lot for him to "learn the hard way."  He's about to be dismissed from his major and probably the university- not because he is unable to do the work- but because he lives in the moment.  I know that he brings it on himself and these are the consequences he deserves, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch.  I don't understand how he can let things slip away even though they are important to him.  I've seen this pattern with him for several years and it's painful and dumbfounding to me. 

Tell him: " Sink or swim! " :)

He has to live and learn from his experiences in life. Good or bad. There comes a time in everyone's life it's no longer on our parents shoulders. The point that we have to take accountability for our own life. It's important that he understands his responsibilities as an adult. Everyone makes mistakes so long as he learns from it, yay. My suggestion is to stop acting like his mommy in this regard. You'll always be his mother, but relationships evolve. This is no longer your domain of concern to worry/fix for him. It going to take tough love to stand back like he's just another adult. I would make that obvious to him that he's accountable/responsible for his life now.The fact of the matter is he's a full grown man. Treat him like one! It's his choice to learn from mistakes. As well as from the wisdom you offer him. Provide it when asked/needed, but don't nag him. Bring the issue to his attention over dinner together. Be serious. Express how proud you're that you've raised a intelligent grown man. That he's no longer a little kid and it still amazes you. (That's sweet. )Be loving yet firm/detached from responsibility. Say "You have your own set of responsibility now. You're a grown man if you need help with your studies you find it... You make the time and work for everything important to you in your life. I don't give you a schedule like I did when you were a little boy. You're accountable for yourself/time/responsibility/success ... and failure. I'm so proud that I raised a capable intelligent man." :)

Avoid any further nagging and the let mommy fix it approach. It's important that you let him take responsibility/accountability for his choices/life now. The sad reality of the situation may be it's simply not important to him. The things that are important to you may never be important to him. :( That's something you'll figure out if you stand back and watch. That way you can reflect on the situation at hand. He's fully grown all you can do is hope/pray you raised him right. That he'll see the value in things that are actually important. It may take hitting bottom before he decides to start swimming. Lol. Some people simply learn by error to secure things important to them. It helps them prioritize their life.

Best of luck! :)

Original Post by gilt:

Ludz... I'm not a parent but I was in your son's position many years ago.  I too lived in the moment and loved all those moments a little too much.  I got carried away at university and allowed my bad habits to override my limited common sense.

I was smart, but I was impulsive and didn't think things through well enough.  Ultimately... I was a bit young for university even though all my friends were the same age and doing well.  Part of my problem was that I never learned to study because I cruised through high school with good grades and never cracking a book...

I got what we in Canada call a "dean's vacation"!  I was crushed, but wouldn't let on to anyone that it bothered me.  But that september when all my friends went back to university I was miserable and cried and decided that I was going to do everything that I could to get back into school.  So I took the necessary credits elsewhere and got my butt back into university.  It took me 18 months but I did it.

Today I have a B.Sc and a M.Sc and I have a very, VERY good job.  After I got my M.Sc. I  turned down 2 offers for a Ph.D. because I wanted to get out in the world and work for a while.  Now after working for a number of years I am considering going back part-time to get a Ph.D. 

It took getting kicked out of university for me to grow up.  While I know that this information doesn't make you feel any better about your son's choices... hopefully it will relieve some of your concern about his future.  Some of us learn the hard way... but the lesson's we learn are valuable and when my friends compare me to them now they say that I'm much more competent at dealing with life than they are... I learned how to fail and how to recover from failure... many of them never did.

Don't get to upset... this may be the way he learns to rebound from defeat.

Well said.  As a mom of an 18 year old who is at a crossroad in his own life, I have to believe that the bad decisions he makes now will be a lesson for his future choices.  I wake up in the am and go to bed in the pm with this in mind.  I can't mother him any longer - I have to allow him to make choices - whether good or bad, and be there to provide advice and insight before and after - BUT NOT FIX. 

As an adult whose mother still tries to "protect" me from my "bad" decisions, and thinking back on my college years, I have to second what others have said, and you actually said in your post.  He is no longer in your house, he is no longer your "child" to correct.  He needs to be treated as an adult to make decisions as an adult. 

And quite honestly, sometimes college isn't best for people right out of high school.  Sometimes, they need a little time to know themselves as adults before they know what they want to do.  It's not a total disaster if he does take a year or two to get himself right in the head.  Its cheaper in the long run, I can tell you! 

To not feel so awful when he messes up, try to not think of it as messing up.  Instead, it is just a turn in his path of life, which HE sets for HIMSELF.  You are there to support him, to give guidance when he asks for it.  Concentrate on that aspect, not on what you think he should have done.  And good luck - I know it is hard to stand by and watch those you love make decisions that you think hurt them.

Sometimes... as children... we NEED more than anything to make our own mistakes. My mom and I have gone through something similar, unfortuneately, we did not make it through to the other side. We are no longer speaking because she coulnt handle the decisions I am making in my life and my need for independence and I couldnt handle her controlling behavior and the constant feeling that SHE doesnt approve of my life. (I am a good student, no drugs, no illeagal anything... good person who she expects too much out of.)

If I could ask for one thing... and have my mom HEAR it... its for her to let me live my life and make my mistakes. She may not approve of them, but as long as I am not living off of her and not hurting anyone else, please just be there for me when I need an ear and a hug. Dont be disappointed that I am not SUPER DAUGHTER. I am good enough and in the End, I will end up GREAT.

Hope this side of things helps.

Thank you All for your thoughtful and honest responses.  It's helpful to hear objective advice and personal experiences. 

I wanna toss my two cents on to the change pile!

So, I'm a recent university grad who has a strong mommy figure but also has a family that allowed me to make my own mistakes. Mostly that was because I was a couple hours away at school, thought I was doing ok and there wasn't really a way they could intervene in what I did.

So in first year I failed 2 courses. That was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It made me realize a lot of things about life, work ethic, personal responsibility and goals.

I also felt like crap for a long while about it. Probably for 2 years. It took me that long to prove to myself that my failures were a result of my lifestyle and choices and not actually me.

Basically, it was first year, too much fun and I didn't put any work into school. I thought I could get by doing last minute work and doing what I did in high school. Turns out I couldn't. I felt like crap and questioned my own self worth.

My parents reaction? They were disappointed that it had happened. They accepted my explanation of the events that transpired and what had come to result in my failure. They, most importantly, believed in me when I told them I was unhappy with it and wanted to do better. They supported me and I don't believe I got much, if any, criticism from them about it.

It all turned around as I put more and more work into school and wanted to do better and better.

The best thing you can do is be honest and supportive. Yeah, if your son is messing up tell him that. Tell him that it is possible to turn things around. Tell him that sometimes people need to screw up to find the right way. Tell him you'll help him if he needs it (just don't tell him you'll do anything you can. You're not his crutch). That's about all you can do. Anything more and you risk doing too much (this'll be a judgement call. Kids immensely appreciate being stood up for when it's called for).

I hope that helps you out a wee bit.

Seems you owe me some change. Hmmm.