Advice and opinions on a relationship issue?

I have a situation on my hands that I need advice on... but asking friends is out of the question given the people involved. So I turn to all of you:)

There is a person who is, in his words, in love with me. I am definitely extremely fond of him, and think at  some point I could love him. But here's the problem. First, he is twice my age (40) and I am 20. The other issue is, he is my boss. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to jepordize our friendship or my job, but at the same time, I don't know how to blow off the advances, or even if I want to. I don't know what to do:( help?

How long have you known this guy? Have you been out on dates?

You point out two huge issues - he's twice your age, and he's your boss.  Don't do anything with the man.  Even though you may be fond of him, it's not appropriate for a man in a position of power (i.e. your superior at work, and older than you) to make advances.  No upstanding individual would put a young employee in this position.  Do not start a relationship with this man.

Original Post by purespark:

You point out two huge issues - he's twice your age, and he's your boss.  Don't do anything with the man.  Even though you may be fond of him, it's not appropriate for a man in a position of power (i.e. your superior at work, and older than you) to make advances.  No upstanding individual would put a young employee in this position.  Do not start a relationship with this man.

 seconded.  this screams bad idea.

I have known him about 14 months - long enough to know him pretty well I would say. We hang out - work together alone often and often have a few beers after work, but it has been strictly friendly up to now.

Purespark, your reaction is understandable and maybe correct, but the one thing I didn't mention is that he is not from Canada and isn't terribly culturally attuned. For example, he legitimately doesn't seem to understand that I could probably have him charged for his behaviour (not that I ever would, but I could). He's not terribly attuned to social norms in this regard.

Stay away. I have a good piece of advice for you. It comes down to this.

20 goes into 40 easier and better than 40 goes into 20.

I know this from personal experience.

Original Post by hockeygirl44:

I have known him about 14 months - long enough to know him pretty well I would say. We hang out - work together alone often and often have a few beers after work, but it has been strictly friendly up to now.

Purespark, your reaction is understandable and maybe correct, but the one thing I didn't mention is that he is not from Canada and isn't terribly culturally attuned. For example, he legitimately doesn't seem to understand that I could probably have him charged for his behaviour (not that I ever would, but I could). He's not terribly attuned to social norms in this regard.

This is harrassement.  He could lose his job.  Why don't you tell him if he's too stupid to know how a boss should behave.  Seriously, if he's in a management position, he should bloody well know that what he's doing is inappropriate.

Original Post by hockeygirl44:

he is not from Canada and isn't terribly culturally attuned. For example, he legitimately doesn't seem to understand that I could probably have him charged for his behaviour

In my opinion, the legal ramifications are a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself - there's a reason there are laws against this kind of behavior.  I believe it is immoral to behave the way he is, taking advantage of your youth and subordinate position by even making a relationship seem a possibility.  I believe you should stop with the after-work beers and start trying to achieve some professional distance from this man.

You know there is a problem with this situation - otherwise you wouldn't have asked for advice.

OK, suppose you do have a relationship with this guys and it doesn't work out?  After all, most don't.  Lets say that you decide he is not so hot after all and you find a new boyfriend.  What is that going to do to your work environment?  You could find yourself in the position where following your heart could cost you your job.  There is a reason that you never have a relationship with your boss.

never pursue anything except your career where you get your paycheck.

Ok... these responses are probably good advice. But then turning him down gets awkward... kind of makes it tough.

Original Post by watergirl:

never pursue anything except your career where you get your paycheck.

Exactly. Work=Work

I suggest that you socialize outside of your circle on the job. :) That would make it a lot less awkward for you.This sounds like a typical "Bait and Switch" relationship that never works out,imho.

I hate these types of situations. Have you started job hunting yet?

I don't see the need for all the drama.

If you like him, date him...have fun, see where it goes.

If it doesnt work out, end on good terms and just be open / honest with eachother about it not working (without trying to blame the other person and creating issues).

I don't see why people cant be in relationships without ending up hating eachother if things dont work out.

Putting the work issues aside, do you really think a relationship would work out with somebody so much older?

If you were to pursue things and let yourself fall in love and best situation get married in a few years how would that turn out?  He would probably be 50 when your children were born, he will probably die decades before you, he will be old and tired when you are barely middle aged and still full of life.  Personally that isn't the kind of life I would want to try and pursue and the longer you let things go the harder it will be.

I'm not saying it couldn't work out, but you say you like him and could probably grow to love him - I am sure there are lots of younger guys you can grow to love too.

Original Post by hockeygirl44:

Ok... these responses are probably good advice. But then turning him down gets awkward... kind of makes it tough.

Guess it's time to start looking for another job.  The guy sounds like a creep.

Something must be very wrong with this guy if at the age of 40 he is still single and courting 20 year old girls working under him. I don't know it just seems wrong to me.

Try to make it clear to him that you are not interested and start distancing yourself from him. It may sucks to lose his friendship but it's going to be necessary if he doesn't get it.

Stop please!! Lets go back to the original question. Has this person asked you for anything that is more than just friends like asked to go were you live after work or has he attemped to kiss you in the mouth or touch you were you do not want?

If he has RUN everyone is correct above!!

If not and it is only talk, than please talk to him and explain it to him.

Original Post by hockeygirl44:

Ok... these responses are probably good advice. But then turning him down gets awkward... kind of makes it tough.

Sure it will be awkward, but there is nothing you can do about that.  He can't fire you for not dating him, and if he does, you should sue him.  The sooner you do it, the better.  If you don't respond, he will definitely take it like you haven't made up your mind yet...and will probably try to be more persuasive.

Everything has been verbal at this point, besides the occasional arm touch or whatever. But comments have been pretty blatent. And by pretty I mean extremely. Thanks for the input, it has sort of reinforced my reservations... or course what you know you should do and what actually happens in the heat of the moment are two different things, but it helps to have a clear position in mind.

Get a male friend who is willing to pretend to be your "new boyfriend", have him pick you up at work and meet your boss. Then whenever he says anything inappropriate, you can refer to said "boyfriend" and say that he would not be happy. If there is the culture gap that you mention, and it is as I think it is, he will only leave you alone once you are someone else's "property", and even then maybe only under duress. (It might help if the "boyfriend" is large and tough-looking.) If he persists after a few months, start wearing a ring and upgrade the boyfriend to fiancé.

Sneaky, but as you say, he might not understand or react well to simple rejection, and you don't seem ready to leave your job quite yet. The other alternative is to make it quite clear that you cannot possibly date anyone you work with, ever, because that is completely wrong in Canadian culture, but he can easily check that out with other Canadians who will inform him that it isn't that cut and dried.