Are affectionate children a dying breed?

My middle child started Kindergarten this year and I found a disturbing trend amongst the children.

It seems that most of the children cringe at my son's attempts to hug them or give them compliments.  I noticed he tried to give one boy a hug almost every morning and the boy practically reverted tot he fetal position!  I took it as an isolated event due to this boy maybe not being comfortable with it since they were new friends.  Then his father told my son not to do that anymore and I thought that was a little strange.  I, myself, would've tried to explain to my son that a hug was nice thing for a friend to offer & that it's ok.

Next I noticed that whenever my son kissed me goodbye for the day or said "I love you." all the kids would cringe & make fun of him!!  The same if he showed love to his sister.  Do none of these kids kiss thier parents or love them?  Is this not a normal display in thier household?

Just like any other normal kindergartner he developed a crush on a girl and would call her "beautiful" and say that he liked or loved her.  Well, you can imagine how unpopular those decisions were!  The teacher explained that they aren't allowed to do that in kindergarten and when he tested his limits to give a girl a peck on the cheek I was warned that "her parents may not like that".   I guess I understand that but why is it ok for these kids to tease, call names and make my son feel bad for showing a positive emotion?  It got to a point to where he came home everyday saying that all the kids hate him & no one was going to come to his birthday party.  When I asked if he told the teacher about the mean things they were saying she told him "These things happen."!  WTF!

My daughter is almost 4 & goes to hug all the girls in his class everyday as a ritual so things are progressing but is it only becuase she's a girl?

Thoughts???  Help!!!!!

I remember being a girl in grade school with boys who had crushes on me.  At best it was uncomfortable since I really only wanted friends to play with at worst I got unwanted kisses on the cheek which also got me teased by the other kids.

I remember one third grade boy forced a kiss on me and kept writing love letters...I had to tell my big sister to tell his big sister to LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!  He wouldn't take my no for an answer...not fun.

I'd tell your kids that there's a time and place for everything and that different people have different comfort levels with displays of affection.  They need to learn when it's appropriate and when it becomes harassment.

Thank you for your reply!!

I definitely agree!!  In order to make sure my son wasn't heartbroken I did explain to him about other people's personal boundaries.  His action never got to a "harassment" level in my opinion.  After the father said something and the teacher talked to me I took the appropriate action to address this with my son.  He is just naturally a lovey boy.  When he was sad about all the kids hating him he would say to me "Why do they hate me?  I love everyone.".  Breaks my heart!!!

I guess because my oldest son never had this problem & I never saw this behavior in his classmates when he went to kindergarten 5 years ago I was worried that the "new generation" was less affectionate.  That more parents were teaching too many boundaries instead of accpetance, love & friendship.

I do have a friend who reminds me of a golden retriever...she loves everyone and get so upset when they turn out to be other than what she hoped.

People are people, they are all raised a bit differently with different personalities.  What one person finds charming others won't.  Unfortunately with grade school children they often form social groups as they move their way through school and tend to carry over likes and dislikes from year to year.  Is there another school that he might do well in for the 1st grade?  Or some kind of camp group over the summer that might give him a break from these kids so he can start fresh in the fall?

It sounds like your son is going a bit overboard with his enthusiasm and the other children are over reacting to it...on the other hand, you never know whether or not another child has been abused or is just stand offish.  How does he get along with other children in play groups and did he go to a preschool?

He did go to preschool and only had "girlfriends" but it wasn't as developed as it is now.  I may have given you the wrong impression of his actions.  He doesn't do this on a daily basis as far as being affectionate with the children.  It's sparatic...much more so now than in the beginning of the year since he has gotten the hint from his friends.  i think in the beginning he was so excited to have friends and just assumed they would express themselves the same way he does.  Now, it's just when he kisses me or his sister goodbye for the day that they react or scowl at him.  I never see any of the other kids kiss thier parents or siblings.  They are all getting along better because he has adjusted HIS behavior.  I was just sad to see so many families that aren't affectionate in a normal way. It's just  hugs and kisses!  Aren't kids this age supposed to be innocent & loving and not act jaded?  I thought the whole "cootie" stage happened later on...maybe 1, 2 or 3rd grade?  Changing schools is a really unnecessary action.

I enjoy the hugs, kisses and "I love you"'s!  I encourage my kids to show there affection (appropriately) and will never stop showing them mine.  Not a day goes by that my kids don't tell me "Your the best Mom in the whole wide world.".  I hope they approach all thier relationships with that honest emotion & that thier friends grow to be more comfortable with the compliments.

You sound like a really great mum I'm sure your son will do fine. I'm not sure if people give their children less hugs now than in the past though some families are more comfortable with it than others. Also many boys have clear ideas about what is 'girly' or 'soppy' from a very young age all their cartoons and books reinforce these ideas so maybe to a certain level it's expected. One day not too far in the future he'll not want to hug you which is sad but seems to be all part of growing up.

I babysit a six year old boy two to three nights a week.  He is in a very similar situation as your son.  He is in Kindergarten and then he goes to daycare where I pick him up.  I have only had to drop him off at kindergarten once so I'm not certain about what goes on there, but at daycare when I pick him up he is the only affectionate boy I ever see.  He often will hug his boyfriends but would never dream of hugging a girl because "they have cooties"  The boys in his class seem a bit ahaid of him developmentally and seem to humor him allowing him to hug them but they never return the embrace.  He isn't made fun of for his affectionate behavior in daycare but when we go to places like the park or mcdonalds play place he is often tormented. 

He seems to be under the impression that you "hug first and get to know later" he often runs up to complete strangers giving them hugs before he even introduces himself.  I think it's fairly understandable that if being tackle hugged from behind by some boy you don't know that you might react hostily, and most boys he encounters do just that.  I have tried explaining to him that he should try to get to know them and maybe ask for their permission before giving them hugs but it has been hard for him to break this habit.

I'm not really sure what the solution is to our problem, I hate to see Josh so upset when we go out.  I guess he is lucky that his friends at daycare are so understanding and at least tolerate his affection politely.

I have a girl and boy in pre school the girl is 4.5 and the boy is 2.5. They are both very affectionate with each other and their friends. I live in Italy so it is normal to hug but It think they are more affectionate than most. They kiss and hug each other all the time and most people think it is cute when they hug other kids, so maybe it is a local thing. I used to encourage them to kiss and hug my friends and relatives hello and good bye, but I have stopped doing that and I think it is better to let them decide which adults they wish to show affection. Good luck...

Congratulations on raising great kids!

This is America, we don't show affectionate physically, as a culture, in my experience (not to mention homophobia).

Maybe I'm an isolated experience but growing up I never hugged a friend (although I don't think so), rarely hugged my dad.  My mom is the only one I ever hugged and then there was that big phase where I didn't do that because it made me feel embarrassed. My friends don't hug non-family members either so I don't think it's uncommon.  Even today I still kind of go stiff if a non-family member hugs me or something like that. 

Affection between family members is definitely on the decline. I notice it and I'm sure many people do. I don't know if you're a Bible reader, but did you know that a lack of affection was actually prophesied in the Bible for the period of time that we are living in? Seeing this forum reminded me of the scripture because the topic is almost word-for-word what the Bible says at 2 Timothy 3:2,3-- "For men (this includes children too) will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection"!!! There it is, almost exactly what you posted! I just thought I would share that thought with you since you are a loving and concerned parent, that this was a trend predicted in the Bible, but it also says that things will get better in the future. Right now just keep taking good care of your kids like you obviously do and protecting them from those influences! 

Original Post by azdreamer:

Affection between family members is definitely on the decline. I notice it and I'm sure many people do. I don't know if you're a Bible reader, but did you know that a lack of affection was actually prophesied in the Bible for the period of time that we are living in? Seeing this forum reminded me of the scripture because the topic is almost word-for-word what the Bible says at 2 Timothy 3:2,3-- "For men (this includes children too) will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection"!!! There it is, almost exactly what you posted! I just thought I would share that thought with you since you are a loving and concerned parent, that this was a trend predicted in the Bible, but it also says that things will get better in the future. Right now just keep taking good care of your kids like you obviously do and protecting them from those influences! 

Yeah, and the bible says a lot of other things too azdreamer. And most of it is bs.

That seems a bit rude and uncalled for.

Original Post by solitarystyle:

That seems a bit rude and uncalled for.

I admit, I do have a problem with people claiming that the Bible is true - remember that the Bible also claims that stoning people, slavery and rape are all ok. Azdreamer seems to be making a claim that what the Bible says is true, simply because someone said the children at their kindergarten aren't affectionate. I just wanted to inject a dose of reality.

Proselytization is rude.  Please give me a statitistic that proves that affection between family members across america is in decline.  Then prove that this is not the result of our ever changing culture but the result of the indespituble "word of god".  For which their is no circumstantial evidence of existence and thus no reason to believe more than any other feel-good fairy tale.

No one said you had to agree with her, but I just think it's polite to respect her beliefs. Maybe you could have just taken it as an interesting quote/observation or one person's opinion, not proselytization. I think it's fine to disagree with her point, but declaring someone's religion complete bs isn't really necessary in this case. I don't agree that the Bible is all true, and I don't think the Bible is provable, but I don't think she deserves rudeness for believing those things.

But I do understand your point more when you explain that you were saying a lot of the predictions in the Bible are bs, but you could have clarified that earlier. It sounded more like a sweeping generalization of the whole thing in your OP.

Can we please get back on topic?  This thread has nothing to do with religion, so lets please keep it on topic so it doesn't get locked. 

Thanks,
Cecily
Volunteer Moderator

I agree that there is a sad lack of affection going around.  I was never physically demonstrative with anyone outside my family, until college, where your friends really become your family when you're far away.  Then all my friends were shocked.  It was totally new to them.  I lived with one girl for three years, and by the end of our time together (wow, I wish we had started out living together) we hugged and kissed (on the cheek) goodnight every night.  We were just like sisters. 

Gradually we got our friends used to hugging and such, but you could tell it was all new to them.  Hopefully, they enjoyed the affection (I think they did) and they'll teach their kids to be affectionate. 

I think that when we're all sucked into our video games/laptops/tvs, we don't interact nearly as much as we should, and affection is just another kind of normal interaction.  Kids have terrible social skills because they've been shoved in front of a box all day so mommy and daddy can do what they want, many times. 

Just curious--what region of the US do you live in?

By the way, I am outraged for your little boy--he's just trying to be sweet.  Nobody should make him feel bad for that.

Also:  google "attachment disorder."  Any accident this is on the rise?

Original Post by sarahbluebelle:

Just curious--what region of the US do you live in?

By the way, I am outraged for your little boy--he's just trying to be sweet.  Nobody should make him feel bad for that.

 Thanks for your reply :O)

We live in No. California.  It's a fairly small community (for California).  but, I have lived in middle America too & am pretty sure that CA is more open minded to this subject.  Maybe not anymore...

My son has calmed down at school with his affection.  I think he got the hint or just tired of the rejection.  Positive note about that is now he focuses all his lovey-ness on me!!!  Yay!  More kisses & stares into my eyes as he tells me how beautiful I am!

I live in the South, and I thought things would always be the same here, but I have to say after the flying (and many false) accusations of sexual abuse in schools in the 1980s and 1990s, nothing will ever be the same, I think. 

Your little boy sounds like a love.  I'm glad he hasn't given up on it completely.