Ahhhhh, I just had a horrible conversation . . .
Some background: She's Ukrainian, I'm American, and there are some notable cultural differences. She's fluent in English, but its not her native language, and we've had a few linguistic misunderstandings . . . I'm in recovering from anorexia and bulimia that I have been fighting for over half of my life. Its a very serious issue, even though I'm in a fairly stable recovery situation right now.
Some of the things she said:
-"I don't understand how its that terrible"
-"Why don't you just forget about it?"
-"I used to have this allergy problem when I was thirteen . . ."
Basically, the conversation ended with me explaining how some of her statements hurt me, her apologizing and agreeing to read more (I referred her to SF).
But now I'm sitting at home balling my eyes out and thinking about purging and doing other bad things . . . . . Help please :(
Is it possible that bulimia and anorexia don't exist to any noteworthy extent in her country? I don't know much about Ukraine, but I'd imagine in places where people have to scramble to get food, they would never think of doing some of the things we do to our food. She probably doesn't understand that this a serious problem.
Cut her some slack. Her statements were not a rebuke of you. I'm guessing that you were just explaining something so foreign to her that she had a very hard time understanding it.
Don't do anything you will regret later.
Unfortunately noone else knows what goes on inside another persons head. They can only try to understand.
You have taken a very brave step today - be proud of yourself, do not beat yourself up about it. Give her time to work it out.
Best of luck xx
It's difficult for some people to understand disorders, addictions, or other common issues many people deal with. I don't think she didn't care but it was more that she cannot understand your situation. She evidenty has been fortunate enough to never have to deal with them herself of with loved ones.
My advice is to give her some material to read about ED so she can understand the severity of it and learn to appreciate how hard it is to overcome and live with.
Stay strong and good luck!
I agree with the others. Either this is not an issue in the Ukraine, or it is an issue there and they don't really see it as the disorder it is. Probably the first one. I agree that you should cut her some slack. I am sure that she just doesn't understand the severity of the situation that you are in. Once she does do the reading that you suggested, I am sure that she will understand. Don't do anything that you will regret later. Be understanding of her situation as well. Good Luck!
I agree with the other posters who say you need to cut her some slack. You also need to give yourself lots of pats on the back for coming out and talking to her about it. That must have been very hard.
I'm guessing that your reaction of wanting to purge, etc. is coming from the emotional side of sharing something so personal. You took the huge leap of sharing something very personal and emotional. Then you didn't get the response you thought you'd get, in fact you got a totally different response than anticipated. Right? It threw you for a loop.
Step back and allow your head to be logical. Focus on the fact that she truly doesn't understand what an ED is, how it works, or why it is even an issue. Also remember that she has never seen you actively in your ED, she only knows the recovering side of you.
Love and Light is being sent to you right now.
ouch! that's harsh, coffincritter.
first, other people don't make us feel anything. second, if we end a relationship every time a partner (friend, family member, etc.) doesn't live up to out expectations, we'll all be very lonely people.
i don't think politica is asking for relationship advice, here. i think she just wants a little encouragement to get her through a few rough hours.
I'm in a relatively similar situation.
I've been dealing with anorexia and BED for the majority of my life, unlike my Jamaican significant other who is completely athletic and understands food is nothing more than fuel for the body. Add to it the complications of my being a chef and bipolar II, and you can see just how much food and my weight can come into play.
Some days its difficult, because we come from such different cultures, and have such different understandings of food, eating, excercise, and eating disorders in general. When I hit a depression, his only solution is excercise.
When I explained to him my history of eating disorders I was met with the same lack of understanding and sensitivity. The key is to explain to her how your eating disorders influence your life, how your relationship influences your eating disorder, and point out to her triggers or aides she can take part in. Open communication, that's the best I can offer.
For now take yourself away from the situation, breathe and relax, and focus on getting through the remainder of your day.
I agree with many others here. Cut her some slack. Some people (no matter what country they come from) don't understand addiction. We all know smokers who just decided one day to up and quit. That was it. Then there is the smoker who is still puffing away while connected to an oxygen tank. If you don't have an ED, it's hard to understand why that person can't just eat or not eat.
I might wonder why an alcoholic can't go to the bar and just order a coke. They might wonder why I can't go into an ice cream shop and just order a coke.
The important thing is that now there is honesty between you. That's the biggest reason for coming clean with her. That and now you don't have to tip toe around certain food issues that are not easily explained to those who don't know what your struggle is. Good for you.
Yup, mostly agreeing with the other posters...
There are major culteral differences across the borders. Most ppl in Rwanda and other nations don't have the luxary of ED, instead they have the problem of malnutrition. Its just a simple misunderstanding.
I'm sure when you first told ppl you were gay, some ppl asked you "can't you just get rid of it?" as though it was your own personal conviction.
My best advise is the same as all the other ppl, give her some ED material and explain it in clearer terms. Once time passes by, she will eventually understand the concept.
Finally another thing you should note is don't let such trivial matters slip you right back into ED. I mean it is not like she insulted you, I still don't understand how that could make you create the logic of purging?
I think you just need support, so be strong and make her aware of it.
Original Post by pgeorgian:
ouch! that's harsh, coffincritter.
first, other people don't make us feel anything. second, if we end a relationship every time a partner (friend, family member, etc.) doesn't live up to out expectations, we'll all be very lonely people.
i don't think politica is asking for relationship advice, here. i think she just wants a little encouragement to get her through a few rough hours.
Ok, I'll admit, my tolerance for dismissive or insensitive behavior has gotten substantially shorter since I got out of an abusive relationship. I don't mean people should break up with someone every time they have a fight. My reaction was mainly to the OP saying that the girlfriend's behavior was making her want to purge and do "other bad things". (She didn't specify what those things were.) If it's really causing the poster to feel that way, it may not be a healthy situation to be in.
As far as the idea goes that other people don't make us feel anything, I've read the same idea and I respectfully disagree with it. We don't live in a vacuum, we interact with those around us. Other people, especially if we care about them, do have the ability to make us feel good, to hurt us, etc. And we have the same ability to do that to other people who care about us.
It's like trying to talk to your husband about PMS. I always figured same sex couples had a lot easier time communicating but I guess not :(
Original Post by coffincritter:
Other people, especially if we care about them, do have the ability to make us feel good, to hurt us, etc.
only if we let them ;)
i know it's not easy--or even necessarily desirable--to control our emotions, but i do believe that most of the time we choose how to feel about things. if i'm disappointed or hurt by something someone i love says or does, that's probably less about their actions than it is about my expectations.
abuse, of course, is a different story. but if someone is abusive, it's even more important to be able to choose how to feel about them (and about yourself), don't you think?
i know it sounds crazy at first, but once you really grasp it, it's incredibly empowering. especially if you have someone in your life who likes to push your buttons.
Original Post by juliemae2:
Is it possible that bulimia and anorexia don't exist to any noteworthy extent in her country? I don't know much about Ukraine, but I'd imagine in places where people have to scramble to get food, they would never think of doing some of the things we do to our food. She probably doesn't understand that this a serious problem.
Cut her some slack. Her statements were not a rebuke of you. I'm guessing that you were just explaining something so foreign to her that she had a very hard time understanding it.
Oh PLEASE, she comes from Eastern Europe, not from Jupiter or the bottom of the ocean where books or internet don't exist... 
Ukrainians are our neighbours and we in Poland know quite a lot about EDs, they're a serious issue in this part of the world too. And although of course the economic situation in Ukraine is significantly worse than in the US, many people live quite normal lives, not even close to "scrambling for food". And yes, they usually have electricity in their homes, know what TV is and some have actually SEEN a cellphone
Sorry to vent and digress, but statements like this are usually the spark that ignites me I know that no one is meaning to offend anyone, but seriously, people, it's not a cool thing to read that your part of world is regarded as some kind of vacuum with no acces to information or even common sense
That said, i think that she may just be one of these people who don't take EDs seriously - happens regardless of sex or nationality.
fair enough, but your response will have an impacton your emotions. maybe you can't control your initial emotional response, but you can certainly control what comes next. and the more you do that, the more that initial response is mitigated, to the point where it's virtually irrelevant.
a twinge of resentment or disappointment doesn't mean a thing, if that's all it is; if it escalates and takes on a life of its own, it can become very damaging.
personally, i like the premise that my emotions are my own, to do with as i choose.
Original Post by shevandell:
Original Post by juliemae2:
Is it possible that bulimia and anorexia don't exist to any noteworthy extent in her country? I don't know much about Ukraine, but I'd imagine in places where people have to scramble to get food, they would never think of doing some of the things we do to our food. She probably doesn't understand that this a serious problem.
Cut her some slack. Her statements were not a rebuke of you. I'm guessing that you were just explaining something so foreign to her that she had a very hard time understanding it.
Oh PLEASE, she comes from Eastern Europe, not from Jupiter or the bottom of the ocean where books or internet don't exist...
Sorry to vent and digress, but statements like this are usually the spark that ignites me
That said, i think that she may just be one of these people who don't take EDs seriously - happens regardless of sex or nationality.
Hey, I didn't say they were a backwards people practically from another planet. However, with a per capita GDP of somewhere in the range of $7000 we are not talking about a rich nation. In Poland you are at about twice that figure. And, in the states we are at about 6 times that figure. All I'm saying is that this wealth affords us the opportunity to do things other people in other nations would never think of doing - be those things healthy or not.
I'm sorry I struck a nerve, but I can absolutely see this being a cultural issue. Obviously you disagree.
"Sociocultural studies have highlighted the role of cultural factors, such as the promotion of thinness as the ideal female form in Western industrialised nations, particularly through the media. A recent epidemiological study of 989,871 Swedish residents indicated that gender, ethnicity and socio-economic status were large influences on the chance of developing anorexia, with those with non-European parents among the least likely to be diagnosed with the condition, and those in wealthy, white families being most at risk."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa #Causes_and_contributory_factors
So, wealth does seem to play a role.
But some places don't really consider it an eating disorder. I have Korean friends who are obviously anorexic but it's considered a problem like it is in the States. Where it's different in Korea... perhaps it's the same in the Ukraine.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a guy friend. Apparently his ex-wife was mildly bulimic and it understandably bothered her quite a lot, while he didn't think it was a big deal at all. He, on the other hand, was apparently raised to believe masturbation was wrong and thought that when he did that it was much worse than his wife throwing up. She of course did not see this as such a problem.
I agree with most everyone else that some people just don't understand eating disorders, and you can explain it the best you can, but ultimately what matters is that you know how bad it is for you and take whatever steps necessary to get well.
the thing is--and you can pounce all over me if you want, but it's the truth--the only reason that eating disorders are considered mental illnesses is that a bunch of psychiatrists--most of them white, male, and american--got together and decided they are. and then they made up the rules by which to diagnose them. that's how psychiatric illnesses come to be - via a committee of old white guys.
and it's not a coincidence that they're illnesses mostly experienced by women (and gay men). like borderline personality disorder, they're a convenient way to pathologize women who don't conform.
the fact that these diagnoses are much more common in wealthy, western countries than in less wealthy, eastern ones is as much a reflection of trends in psychiatry and who's making the decisions as it is of incidence of eating problems.
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