Always Feeling Guilty

Okay.  So I'm NEVER 100% honest when I log in my food.  And today I know I probably consumed at least 1800 calories.  I just got home from the gym and tanning and i burned 550 on the eliptical.  But I still feel super guilty!  I am slightly proud of myself though, I denied the convienient store craving that I was just having....even though I was only going in with intensions on grabbing an apple.  HaHa  Who knows if that's all I would have grabbed!  I have 0 food in my house to keep myself from binging like craZy!!  So I think I'm safe for the rest of the night...no cash for delivery! 

I have been trying to find someone to talk to about the eating disorder that I'm struggling with, but it's soooo difficult.  No one accepts my insurance, they aren't taking in new clients, and who knows if I'll even want to spill my guts and all the things I'm ashamed of to some total stranger.  I mean, do they REALLY understand what the hell I'm talking about?! 

This week, I've taken way too many laxatives, diet pills, binged a lot and purged like 3 or 4 times!  I think I'm going crazy!  I want this madness to stop!  I wish it was that simple!  3, 4 even just 1 year ago I would have never thought I would be lowering myself to purging my food!!  I can't believe it now.  It's so strange, and to think that I really can't stop because I am obsessed with eating...or actually with anything.  I overdue EVERYTHING I do!  OCD?.....yeah a little bit!

I've been struggling with OCD for so many years though.  Why now has it become such a significant factor in EVREYTHING and the biggest obstacle I could ever imagine?

I know no one here can answer these questions and it may be hard for some to understand...I'm not even sure I understand.  All I know is that no matter how much I want to stop and knowing what I'm doing isn't healthy, I continue. 

To anyone who's reading this, thank you for listening.  It feels better just to get it out.  No one understands and I feel horrible asking my family and friends they same questions over and over again..."am i fat?  was that bad?  do you think if i eat this I'll gain weight?"

At one point in my life I was about 200lbs.  Not obese looking, just a big girl....I was about 18.  Active too, I played softball, threw shot, on the girls' basketball team.  But I was an overeater to say the least!

Then all of a sudden it started to go away.  Last summer I was down to 143 and now I can't break the 160 mark.  Struggling and struggling!  My goal for my height of 5'6" and a medium frame is about 130-135.  I believe that at that weight I would be healthy, in shape and most of all HAPPY!! 

What can I do?  I feel like I need to have a one-on-one, live-in, fit coach to whoop me into shape and keep me on track!  I seem to lose focus at certain points.  I just can't tell you when that is!

I know losing weight is really mathematical.....but for me, once I put food in my mouth, forget it....I eat ALL day! 

I feel like if I skip eating all together it would be easier for me.  I feel as though once I've started that I can't stop.  It drives me crazy.  Not to mention that I'm diabetic and I would love to get my diabetes under control but with these horrid eating habits its so difficult.

Any words of wisdom......i need a meal plan that I can stick to!!  Anyone out there that may be able to help?

i don't know how much help i can be.. but i am a binge eater.. never purged.. but i would binge on like 1-2000 calories in one sitting.. that's on top of what i ate that day.. it sucks.. and it takes so much determination and will power to take back control of your life!  it sounds like you know all about the damage you are doing to your body so i will not remind you of all of them. 

you have to remember that food is not your friend, it won't make you happy, in fact.. it makes you feel worse.. no amount of food will EVER comfort you.  food can be an addiciton to some people (ME!) and to break that addiction you just have to sit down, make a plan.. tell yourself how many calories you can eat at each meal.. eat 6 meals a day (small ones) so that you're never really overly hungry.. and beyond anything else you have to stick to it! 

the thing that has helped me stay binge free for almost 4 months now is i have a journal (a document on my computer not on line) where i write down how i am feeling at the moment i feel like eating and it's not a meal time.  i write down what i want to do (eat and eat.. hah) then i write down why that won't help me and what i can do instead of eat.  it's been 4 months now and i still have to do this 1-3 times a week.. which is better than every day of the week when i started off.. 

i wish you peace and strength.. i will not wish you luck because luck doesn't have anything to do with this.. you have a hard road ahead of you.. but you have taken the first step in taking back your life.. you are seeking help.. this is the most important thing you can do for yourself. 

welcome here

Thank you so much for replying.  I totally agree, food is def. NOT my friend.  And your so right, it makes me freakin' miserable!  But still I find myself binging on craZy calories...the same as you!

Congrats on having such great self control!  I know how hard it is. 

This site is great, to be able to sit here and listen to people, and see that there is always hope and there are people out there losing weight and doing it the right way! 

Okay well I think I'm going to go to sleep.  I am feeling so good right now by your reply!  Thank you again!

you're welcome.. :) 

Everyone is diferent, and not all eating disorders are the same. I can understand what you are saying. And although it would sound crazy to most, it seems perfectly sain to me. It is good that you are admiting that there is a problem. Now, I could preach, bla bla bla to you all day, but that dosnt help does it? You know the facts, but your mind is arguing with you all the time. I can not speak for you, but I can tell you what I think. Food is being the bad guy here, but hes a bad guy that you want, sooo bad. Its maybe a hate/love obsession? I wish you wouldnt purge, its so unhealthy (here I go preaching away) it ruins your teeth among other things I can not attempt to spell. I have been there. I spent years there. and a little voice is always telling me to return. I wish I could help you more, I wish I could chain you up in my basment and fix this for you. (dont mean for that to sound horrible) Its not your body that is against you, its your mind. Your mind, somewhat brainwashed, a bit unbalanced. There is help, and there are ways out. It is a day by day battle, and there will be days when you feel that you cant win. But there will be victories! As far as a meal plan goes, if you are anything like I was, try not to be too strick with it. I used to tell myself "NO! You CANT have it" and my mind would respond with, "yes you can, you can get rid of it, it will be like it never even happened!" And it seemed so simple! I belive that you can beat this. Again, I wish I could be more helpfull, I just never know what to say...

all i can ssay sweetie. i know how you feel.

trapped, within a constant battle.

yes. I can realate. Im not going to go in to the knitty gritty of my story but just know you are not alone ok and im happy for you rant on to me or just in gerneral feels good doesnt it to let it alllll out.

giving you more hope

love me xx

The fact that you're talking about it is a good start.

My own opinion is that you should seek medical attention, sooner rather than later.  You can do a lot of permanent damage to your body in a very short amount of time.  I hear what you're saying about your insurance and the difficulty of finding someone who will take you seriously.  That's part of the problem that's so very difficult.  You've made a good start here by bareing your soul.  Keep searching until you find a doctor or other professional who can help you.

Whenever I see a wonderful young person come here with this problem, my heart sinks.  I can't help, even though I would like to, and feel helpless.

Please be well
Claire

To everyone...thank you for  your support..it really means a lot. 

Soo this morning was a struggle......I woke up and my blood sugar was 40, so I went to the store, bought 4 things of m&m's and a cheese danish and that was after a can of grape fruit I ate (the only can of food in my house)!! 

I feel horrible now...like my whole day is ruined!  And now my blood sugar is really high....UUuUGH! 

When will it all stop??!!  And I'm having total anxiety about tonight.....it's my father's 50th birthday party and there is going to be TONS of food!  It's totally freaking me out......I don't want to go there and eat, but I feel like I don't know what to do.

I know food is the enemy...the other day I thought to myself "bad food don't exist", thinking that maybe I could just trick myself into not wanting them.  Riiight!

And the funny thing is that I love buffalo chicken salad and I eat A LOT of it.  I'm not totally unhealthy, but I DEF ALWAYS over do it!

As far as the losing 1 or 2 pounds a week......I always say that I want to drop 5 or so and that 1 or 2 isn't enough.  And then I slip into this cycle of not losing ANYTHING AT ALL!  Possibly even gaining!  So what's so wrong with losing 1 or 2?  If I had been doing that all along then I wouldn't be where I am today!

NONE of this makes sense to me.

I want to be healthy....I want to make the right decisions.  But I feel like I want to eat all day.  WHY?!

I'm 23, I love to go out, and I am not bad looking, I like attention (not negetive, but looks you know) and I feel like I need to hide in my house right now because I am totally ashamed and I don't want anyone to know.

Anyone have a plan that's working for them??

I am also 23! its good that we are taking control now before it become even harder! my suggestion to you:

1. figure out how many calories you should eat a day.  go to the expenditure calculator here and see how many calories you use in a day just being you. then minus that by 500-800 calories. This is how many calories you should be eating in order to loose 1-2 lbs a week.       for example: my expenditure is 1900-500= 1400 calories I should be eating in  a normal day with No exercise. If you are exercising, make sure you are only eating 500-800 less calories than you burn.

2. develop a plan for your meals/snacks for the whole day. this website is a good resource for foods that are good for you: http://www.whfoods.com/foodstoc.php    

if you need help developing a menu, their are others on here who can give you suggestions/share their menu with you. ( I don't have a set one or I'd share it with you).

If you don't keep food in your house to help you from bingeing, for now, just buy your menu items for that day in the morning.

It is important that you remember that you can still have things you like: Just maybe only one  per week instead of 8 per day. denying yourself completely may only make it worse.

it is also important to get a good balance of carbs/fats/proteins. eliminating these like some fad diets try to do are simply unhealthy. you can analyze what you are eating and see how you are doing.

3. maybe rather than saying "food is the enemy" it would be better to say "processed food is the enemy"  food is essential for us to live, but there is so much junk out there and we think it tastes better than the healthy stuff. if you eat the right kind of foods, food can be a wonderful thing..........as long as it is not controlling you.

You CAN do it!! it is NOT easy, but it is so worth it. Be happy with small accomplishments. If you think you won't be happy until your goal weight you may not get there. Be happy with yourself that you are trying to help yourself. This is a great accomplishment in itself!!

 I just started about a month ago now. I have lost 6 pounds so far, but besides that I feel SO much better!! I feel healthy and energized.

I'm sorry if all this info is stuff you already know. I just wanted to help somehow. 

I dont think that food is the enemy. I totaly agree with you rhegs82! Food is esential to keeping us alive. Your relationship with food is unhealthy now, but with the right treatment, mindset and support, food can become your friend! Just the right foods!

no!  food is not an enemy!!  but food is also not your best friend.. food is just a substance that keeps us alive.. just like oxygen.. in our society.. food has become something that is used to celebrate with, mourn with, console with, and comfort with.. we have taken a substance meant for sustaining life and made it the be all and end all of our existance.. we need food.. but we don't need it to make us happy or console ourselves with.. or punish ourselves with.. just remember that you need healthy food to stay alive.. but you don't "need" that snickers bar.. you don't "need" a whole bag of chips.. people say they need that stuff when they really mean they have some issues they need to work on and they don't know how to so food becomes a surrogate for the pain or the emotions that they are having.  self medicating with food is just as destructive and harmful to your health as self medicating with alcohol or other drugs.. you aren't curing the problem.. you are creating more.  frankly, i think getting an eating schedule is the first step you should take.. but more important than a food schedule is figuring out WHY you are binging and purging.. if you don't figure that out and work on the underlying issues associated with it.. you will never fully heal and you will fall back into the same patterns you are in right now.  fix the food, fix yourself, and you will become healthy in mind and body. 

I know exactly where you come from: binging, guilt, uncontrollable weight gain. This is the one area of my life where reason and willpower do not work. I'm simply powerless over food.

For me the only way to stop the madness and actually loose weight was to join Overeareater Anonymous (OA). i'm dead serious. It's not for everyone, but if you have tried everything else, why not give it a shot?

There are meetings in most cities.
Check out the listing at: www.oa.org/

You are not alone!

-Alex

I know exactly where you come from: binging, guilt, uncontrollable weight gain. This is the one area of my life where reason and willpower do not work. I'm simply powerless over food.

For me the only way to stop the madness and actually loose weight was to join Overeareater Anonymous (OA). i'm dead serious. It's not for everyone, but if you have tried everything else, why not give it a shot?

There are meetings in most cities.
Check out the listing at: www.oa.org/

You are not alone!

-Alex

I know exactly where you come from: binging, guilt, uncontrollable weight gain. This is the one area of my life where reason and willpower do not work. I'm simply powerless over food.

For me the only way to stop the madness and actually loose weight was to join Overeareater Anonymous (OA). i'm dead serious. It's not for everyone, but if you have tried everything else, why not give it a shot?

There are meetings in most cities.
Check out the listing at: www.oa.org/

You are not alone!

-Alex

Hi there,

I have suffered with eating disorders for about 11 years, bulimia and restricting. Im also about to go start recovery. If you want to chat then leave me a private message, if this site has the facility and ill give you my email. Hope it all goes well, hugs kelly.

 I think all the posts and advice people have given you is really good.  One thing that helps me out is if I actually do put food in the house.  That way I limit the temptations of all the things in the stores.  Only stock your house with good things.  That way if you do binge or have the urge, you are binged on good things.  I know that is not the best answer but I think that by putting yourself in those stores especially when you are feeling most vulerable than you are setting yourself up for failure. 

hope that helps just a little bit.