amour-propre

Woohoo! Another one of these topics! YEAH!

Heh.

I'm having some issues lately. I feel fat. I gained weight. I went from 137 back up to 155 and I feel like no matter what I do, I'm just going to keep ballooning up. That's an issue for me, and I know it can be handled without any extremes by eating healthy and moderately, and exercising as I normally would. Buuuut the thing that makes me gain weight and ultimately makes me feel like my hard work is doing nothing is the fact that I'm binging.

It's not really really bad as it was at one point, but it's enough to make me gain weight. That's bothersome. I stopped to think about what I'm avoiding by stuffing myself with food in mid bite of my oats mixed with various of unhealthy toppings and I realized...

I feel fat. I feel ugly. My body image has gone to hell since I gained more weight

I've started picking on myself. Pick pick pick. Anytime there's a mirror I lift up my shirt and think "tut tut. You've gained weight. Your belly is protruding even more!" or I'll just mindlessly grab at my lower stomach fat during the day when I'm in front of the computer just to prove it's there. I know that it's bad, but it's been a habit since I've been a kid, and when I feel like I've gained weight, I do it a lot more then usual.

I know I'm pretty freakin' awesome in my own way, and there's more to life then how much my stomach sticks out, but where I'm at in life gives me nothing better to do because it's an awkward time before summer (when I plan on volunteering, studying like a madman, and getting in shape).. So I have some extra leisure time. That leisure time means I spend too much time to harass myself.

But I feel like I shouldn't have to spend my days completely scheduled in order to keep myself from picking at myself. That's a temporary solution, I need to de-root the nasty seed that's been planted since I was a kid. Since I've got some leisure time, I feel it's appropriate to take action now while I still have a chance.

I'm not going to be a victim of poor body image. I'm not a slave to this way of thinking.

How do I fix that bad body image under my circumstances? My clothes don't fit very well anymore (gah. Weight gain.) and my parents have no money to fix that. I eat healthy food, I workout regularly.. It helps a little with my body image, but doesn't stop me from thinking "I'm hopeless. I'm still pretty chubby!" How do you fix poor body image? Honestly. I'm completely flabbergasted. Sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever really grown out of this stage of feeling bad about how they look, and I wonder how the people who feel beautiful no matter what they look like keep that positive attitude.

If anyone can help a girl out and redirect me to some self-esteem exercises that I can do on a daily basis, or some great books on the topic, I'd be very grateful.

http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/

This site helps self-image using a method called cognitive behaviour therapy. It was recommended to me by one of my lecturers. If you search for CBT self-help on google there should be loads of sites you could take a look at.

CBT's been shown to help in loads of different psychological disorders, and I would totally recommend it as a method of overcoming negative body-image.

I just wanted to say this:

1) CBT is indeed pretty awesome stuff.

2) I am in almost the exact same situation right now. The regain is less for me, but I'm bigger to start with. I'm a little baffled by my seeming inability to get a handle on my eating and my regain, considering that I've maintained a 50-lb loss for a year and a half now. (well, I guess it's a 44-lb loss, now). I think I have to go back to the techniques that helped me in the very beginning - including more support on CC from others. Just reading your post made me feel a little better, because if a beautiful young girl can feel this way too (I checked your profile, and I sincerely mean that) then I am maybe not as hideous as I see myself in my head right now.

3) Something that I hope will help for me, and might help for you, is to try to figure out the emotional payoff of overeating. Why are we doing it? Are we stuffing down difficult scary feelings with food, waiting for that serotonin kick we get when our stomachs are very full? Are we subconsciously trying to gain weight to protect ourselves from something? Examples:

-sexuality (being large does provide a "barrier" to a lot of it - not only do we get less sexual attention both wanted and unwanted, but the low body image sometimes kicks in to make us feel less sexual as well)

-facing up to other and larger challenges (if we're obsessing over how big we are we don't spend as much time worrying about the next steps in our lives, which might be even scarier to us than gaining weight)

-facing up to other and larger flaws within ourselves (this way we can pretend that if we only were thin, we'd be perfect - which is b.s., of course)

I'm sure there are other things as well. Part of CBT is identifying one's true motivations and the messages that are driving us. (Namely, insight.)

Good luck to you kaybug, and good luck to me too, and anyone else reading this who might be struggling in the same way...

*hugs*

-trustwomen

p.s. you write eloquently for someone your age, and seem to already know the basics of positive self-talk and putting weight in its proper perspective - it's rare to see that kind of maturity on CC!

I don't have much advice for you other than to say you made a great post and I hope you keep that inner strength that you are so much more than a number on the scale!

Being that you are still young, you may still be transitioning to your adult body.  I know my teen years hit me hard and I developed my curves pratically overnight.  I felt like a whale.  But I also was very inactive and I ate a lot of junky food, so I think that also contributed to my crappy feelings.  I still struggle with body image issues and "picking" at my flaws but I keep trying to tell myself this:

I love so many other other people in my life.  They are so beautiful to me and I would never want them to feel like they were fat, ugly, and stupid.  I know that when I feel fat ugly and stupid, I make them feel sad because they love me just as I am.  I will try to be kind to myself because I want everyone else I care so much to be kind to themselves.  I will not be a hypocrite about it.  Self criticism is contagious, but so is self acceptance.  set a good example, even if you have to fake it sometimes!

Wow. Cool, I appreciate all of your replies! :D

la_discotheque - That's a really interesting site. I'm going to give it a go and see if I can use it. I've never really heard of CBT before, but that method might be useful! I'll defiantly try it, thanks!

trustwomen - Aw shucks, special thanks for your reply. It really made my day. ;) I honestly believed I was the only one dealing with this sort of feeling, knowing that there's others in my position makes me feel a bit more secure that I'm not a total weirdo with issues. XD I reflected on what else I could be avoiding with weight gain, and there's a lot of possibilities and not so many as well. I'd have to dig a little deeper to find out for sure. I'm defiantly going to try my best with CBT.

Thanks. And I'm rooting for you!

cerealaddiction - Yeah, there's a whole lot of things that I say to myself that I would NEVER want to say to anyone because it'd probably make them burst into tears! (Eeks.) You defiantly have a point, and I've been very lazy when it comes to being nice to myself.. which isn't good at all. I know that negative self-thinking could also plague my friends if it slipped out, and I don't want that.

But, even if I believe I should do that, I feel like I'm missing the steps to actually be able to do it. To be nice and friendly to yourself just feels/seems.. foreign and very awkward. Sometimes it feels like I'm being dishonest to how I actually feel. Am I doing it wrong, or is it normal to feel that?

I hope the forum doesn't mind me bumping this back up, but I'm looking for some more replies. :)