Anniversary of my baby brothers death HELP ME!!

I have realized a pattern that has emerged the past 6 years (took me until now to realize it) Around May or June i shut down, i stop showering, i stop working out, i stop going to bed at a good time, i stop leaving the house and i start to eat. The tension gets to be so much where i grind my teeth and clench them all day long that i have brutal headaches too. This goes on until about September and i dig myself out of the horror and do ok for the rest of the year. I never dealt with my brothers death, I kept pushing it down and pushing it down with weed, booze and food for most of those years... This year i didn't turn to weed or booze but late night pizza, ice cream and hot dogs took its place.

My brother died in utero and i had to help deliver him because the doctor couldn't get there in time. He was born in the sac of waters (which  i didn't expect) and my mother being 45 and in poor health to begin with almost died that day too. As the doctors tried to help my mom I held this little baby in my arms, nudging him... trying to wake him. I prayed for a miracle that by the grace of god he would wake up and start to cry. Instead this little boy became cold to the touch and was finally taken away from us. My mother was alone, her partner at the time lived in the US while we were in Canada. He was no help at all throughout the whole thing and was not apart of our lives afterwards. So at the age of 20 I had to take care of my 7 year old sister, take care of my suicidal mother and work so that she wouldn't lose her house. As you could imagine i shut down emotionally so that i would be able to keep our family alive somewhat. Nothing has ever been the same since then and i think i am at the beginning of my recovery now.

He would be 7 this august and it hurts so badly i feel like i cant cope. It still feels so raw and so painful but at the same time it has been almost 7 years, shouldn't i be able to deal with it by now and not let it effect my whole life?? There was a part of myself that died that day and i don't know if i can ever get that back but at least i want to embrace what happened and be able to move on somewhat. 

I have a beautiful and wonderful daughter of my own now and a great husband too and i don't want to screw up what i have because of unresolved issues that i keep running away from. I need to face my fears, anger and sadness but i don't know how...

If you can, please help.

Diana

diana, that is very sad.  hopefully now that you've recognized the pattern, you can avert the worst of it.  instead of letting it derail you for weeks or months, maybe you can just grieve for a few days and then move on.

sounds to me like this is about much more than your brother, but because that was such a traumatic and tangible event, that's the obvious thing to attach your depression to.  a good therapist can help you work through this stuff and get on with your life.

oh wow Diane!  First thing, I'm so sorry.  You're story gave me the chills...literally.  I have two boys that are a God-send to me.  I couldn't even imagine living and re-living that.  I will without a doubt remember you tonight when I sit down with my own problems to talk to God.

I think you said it best in your second-to-last paragraph.  You need to embrace the death of your brother.  You need to remember him and be glad that you were able to hold him, but you need to move on!  When you get down, you need to think of your daughter and think of how lucky you are to have her and to be able to hold her every day. 

You're doing the right thing by talking about it.  Make sure that you talk to your husband when you start feeling down.  Don't wait until you're in full blown depression.  It's so easy to get there and so difficult (as you know) to get out. 

For this years anniversary, celebrate him.  Don't have pitty on yourself.  Although he's not here, you are still his big sister and it's your job to be strong for him.  Crying is okay but don't cry for him, cry with him.  Hold his hand and be happy that he's with God.

I wish you luck Diane.  I wish that I could help more.

Thank you both, I guess i know how i want to feel but dont know how to get there. I am trying to find a grief support group here, maybe my doctor would know how to find something like that, i canf afford to go and talk to anyone this year. My husbands health coverage doesnt cover seeing a shrink although i really wish it did.  Today i didnt eat away the pain, the anxiety i feel today is overwhelming but maybe tomorrow will be better.

Thanks again..

Diana

I am with ucantseeme. when we lose someone that we love,whether they have been there forever or only a short time,it is traumatic. Lord  knows I have had my share of loss in my life.  I have had to learn to celebrate their life and keep their memories alive with me daily. to encorporate their memory into the threads of my life and talk about them and remember them.  I do some of the same things that you do when it comes close to the date of death of my mother- sister( same month years apart) my dad's was in may and I unconciously would do the same thing then also not realizing what the date was. I still have my days when I want to shut out the world and grieve. even after dad has been gone 31 yrs, mom 15, my sister only 2.  I had to realize that life goes on, however we chose to live. It is not fair to their memory to  let ourself go and not take care of ourselves.  I won't say that it is not hard though. sometimes it is.   I am really just now coming out of a 15 yr hole that I slowly dug myself after my  mom died. I never really realized I was in the hole until I started to climb out.  Losing my sister was also a wake up call that life  is very short and fleeting. we had  better live our life the to the best of our ability, helping others and giving our love along the way.  Love is the best medicine.  Thank the Lord I have the best husband ever ( we married 15 yrs ago just before my  mom passed away) without him I have no idea where I would be now( mentally or physically).  Just think of your little brother in heaven, where he went straight away, no pain no worldly cares just straight into the arms of God( this is my belief-- not trying to force my beliefs on anyone).....  I think of all my relatives ( all my immediate family) together up there looking down on me and it gives me comfort that I will someday be with them when the Lord is ready for me to go.       remember him with love that is the best medicine.      also it seems other issues surrounding your mom and things with life that came at you have taken their toll.  I had some things come at me like that also while caring for my mom before she died. I had to work try to see after her and pay all the bills  at 23. I gave up my dream of going back to college and did the best I could. I am proud of that.  you should be proud that you stepped up.  you are stronger than you really know. sometimes it takes inner reflection to get down to the core of why we do the things we do. I am still working on that.  feel free to email me if you need to talk. that always helps me. cc has really helped me to learn alot more about myself and why things have been the way they are. I have met some really nice people that have went through some of the things that I have and have also met alot of people dealing with the same weight issues etc that I have.   hopefully you will have as good of luck as I have had..........

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

...and Angels to comfort you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Diana.  I think your idea of a support group is a very good one.  Your doctor should be able to put you in touch with support groups, or try googling "grief support groups" with your location, or check your telephone directory.  I wish you luck in your recovery.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.  Perhaps it's time for you to try setting up a memorial for him, maybe something that your mom and your younger sister might be interested in as well if you're still in touch with them.