anorexia is straining my marriage...

I have been in "recovery" from anorexia for a over a year now.  I have maintained a healthy weight (130-135lbs and 5'8") and I still haven't gotten my period back.  I havent had it in 2 yrs.  I have seen my GYN oodles of times and he just keeps telling me to wait it out and it will come.  So, I've been waiting...and waiting...and still nothing.  Problem is, I have ZERO sex drive and it is really taking a toll on my marriage.  My husband is giving ultimatums of divorce.  I am so frustrated because I have done EVERYTHING I can think of to "fix" this problem.  I gained the weight, I cut my running down from 40 miles a week to 20.  Is there anything else I can do?? 

yeah - cut the running out completely for 3 months. what cal intake have you and what was your pre-anorexic weight?

I am not sure my calorie count, I stopped counting this summer, but before that I was eating about 2000.  My lowest weight was 109. I am 30 yrs old, do you think my age has anything to do with it? 

what weight were you before  you got anorexia. in order to maintain glycogen stores, someone running 20-25 miles a week needs 2500 cals. menses can often be restored by eating ~ 300 extra cals. so try hitting a target of about 2600-2700.

it is unlikely to be your age. is there a history of premature menopause in your family? the likelyhood is that you have not allowed your body to repair adequately as you continued running throughout weight gain. take 3 months off running and see what happens. fitness can easily be attained again, but it sounds like your marriage cannot.

My weight prior to my weight loss was 215 lbs.  I lost most of the weight through a healthy lifestyle, but once I had the last 20lbs to loose, watching the numbers go down on the scale got a little addicting, hence my problem.  What do you think I should keep my calories at if I am not running?  Just at maintenance or do you think that would hinder my the return of my cycle? 

if not running cals should be at 2000. though 135 is technically healthy it may not be conducive to a healthy weight in the eyes of your body. you may need a bmi of 22 and weigh about 65kg before your body returns to normal function.

i know this is not what you want to hear but really its about playing around with the numbers. i know at 60kg and running for me i had no period. i was in hospital on bed rest a year later and 55kg with no running and eating about 2300 a day and i got my period.... so it varies from person to person.

Thanks so much for the advice, Fidget.  I will stop running and see what happens.  Can I still participate in light activity like walking my dog or biking with my kids?  I hate the thought of being completely sedentary.

I read a study on infertility that may be relevant.  I think the women were in the normal weight range, but thin (as are you). They had been trying to conceive for a couple years. Instead of going on fertility drugs, the women were asked to gain 10lbs.  If I remember correctly, withing 6mo or a year or something, about half the women got pregnant. A quarter or so gained the weight but didn't; a quarter or so refused to gain & dropped out (decided they'd rather pay tons of money & take the fertility drugs than gain weight to concieve).

The relevant thing here is that although you are technically at a healthy BMI, your weight and/or bodyfat percentage and/or calorie intake may be too low for your body, and gaining may push you over some internal edge and restore you period. I think a restored period will also be a sign of more stabilized/normalized hormones, which will hopefully go alone with a more normalized sex drive.

Make sure to eat plenty of fat - at least 30 percent of your calories should be from fat.  Also, while you might be temped to gain as much muscle as possible (by increasing calories and exercise), womens' bodies NEED fat stores - fat stores are active tissues and (if i remember correctly!) actually do some hormonal regulation.  You may not menstruate until you reach a normal bodyfat percentage.

*edited to add the word percent (30 percent of calories from fat, not 30. oops.)

yeah i think light (light.. ok?!) activity is ok. but running is a bitch for ammenhorrea. keeps the body fat low and keeps metabolism boosted for hrs after - so unless you're prepared to eat 3000+, and even then with the continued running, you still mightn't restore your normal cycle.

rest. you deserve a rest. its been a hard few years for you. your body will thank you for resting it.

Great answers already, so not too much to add. 

What was your period like before you became anorexic/lost your period?  I'm assuming your GYN has ruled out a hormonal issue/change that may be preventing this from coming back?

I definitely agree with stopping running.  No, don't go ompletely sedentry -- you'll go crazy!  But I definitely think that trying to gain a bit to get it back wouldn't hurt.  Once you get back on track though, your period won't come back RIGHT away either.. it may take a cycle or two.

I've always had irregular periods due to eating habits as well as a slight hormonal issue.  I was told I wouldn't have kids, and once I started eating better and not stressing over the issue(s) at hand, I got pregnant.... twice... (hahaha)...

Have you talked to your husband about it?  I'm a little worried that he's threatening divorce when you're trying to get better.  It will take time and not happen over night.  I think he needs to try and be a little more understanding :(

Good luck to you --

Um. I'm no health expert, and not even out of high school (haha), so I'll mostly second what everyone said above.  But ultimatums of divorce?  I think you should address that ASAP!!  Your husband is being totally out of line and un-supportive.  I'm sure there are extraneous factors and he's a good person, but you have obviously been through a lot and need support not threats!!  Sorry felt the need to share my two cents worth.  Anyway good luck on getting your period back; most of what was said above sounds like safe advice.  Congratulations on coming so far in recovery!!  That must have been so difficult, and it's good to hear you're at a healthy weight.  Hopefully the hardest part is behind you. (:

Maybe you aren't feeling so great about your own body so you have no sex drive. I know when I gain a few pounds and I get depressed about my weight my sex drive completely goes away. I'm obviously not saying to lose weight, but maybe to work on how you feel about your own body. If you aren't sleeping with your husband at all, I'm sure he feels like you don't want him either. 

Thanks everyone for all the advice.

I think my husband, just like me, is frustrated with the situation.  He has been very supportive through out my recovery and he has been waiting patiently for my hormones to kick back into gear, so things can get back to normal (which I'm not even sure I remember what normal is:).  I think INKBLUE is right on about me making him feel unwanted, perhaps??  I will definitely work on that.  I am going to make an appt on Monday at the GYN and bring him with me, so he maybe be able to ask the Dr. questions that my quell his concerns and or fears. 

It is going to be weird not working out, but I am ready to give it all I've got.  Thanks again.

Definitely cut your running down, maybe to a mile or two once or twice a week, that way you'll still maintain enough running shape to be able to run again with minimal training time, but you won't be exhausting your body.  If you're doing other forms of cardio I'd recommend quitting those and sticking with stretching, maybe pilates, work on your flexibility and strength...it will come in handy in the bedroom later.

As far as sex drive goes, you should be in the prime of your life.  So if you think it might be hormonal it might be worth investigating birth control pills to see if you can help your body out with the periods and hormones by replacing some.  Your gynocologist should be better able to advise you on this.  For me, birth control has in the past toned down my sex drive so if you're already on birth control it might be worth switching to condoms for a bit and see if that works at all.

Some good advice I once heard was to act in the mood until you are in the mood.  Basically you've got to start thinking about sex and having sex so that you can have for sex and fun sex.  Buy some flavored lube, grab your hubby for a sensuous massage, whatever worked for you guys originally will work again, but you're going to have to work on it it won't come effortlessly without some practice.  You're probably not feeling all that sexy at the moment but that can change.  Make a date with your husband without the pressure of sex, try a make out session, get back to what made you both feel good originally.

Has anyone heard of Black Cohosh?  It is an herbal supplement that is supposed to help pre-menopausal women with estrogen like activity.  I figured it may not hurt.  Has anyone tried it?

I will give Pilate's a try and I will go put on some pretty panties and see if that helps:)  I was feeling so crappy this morning about myself, now I almost feel empowered! :) Thanks for all the support.

Hi Kelly,

I am in a similar situation in that I have not had a period since January, but that was when I quit BC, so haven't had a natural period since quitting BC (was on for 6 years), but after a lot of reading and reading posts on here I am convinced it is b/c I am slightly underweight (5'5 and 110), and my diet is/was waaaay to low in fat, pretty much fat free (I am now working on), and probably too low in calories as well (maybe only 1000/day on average).  I also work out, but mainly do weight training ~3/week, and only light cardio, unlike you who seems more about cardio.

I actually have been taking the Black Cohosh 3/day on and off ~1 month b/c I read it has the estrogenic effects.  Can't hurt I guess is my thinking.  I also really have ZERO sex drive, probably the low estrogen, as I have NO cervical mucous either (sorry if that's TMI).  I do have sex with my husband, try to enjoy it, but really don't terribly much.  But it is true that "if you don't use it, you lose it" as far as sex goes.  So, am trying to get my mind in a better place about sex.  After all, the rason I quit BC was to get pregnant!!!  Ironic.

I just have to be steadfast in changing my eating, def continue to eat more % fat.  But it will take time.  Your body has to be sure that you're not going to stop feeding it appropriately and not overexercise before it will allow the nonessential body functions to come back (i.e. reproductive)

good luck to you and me :)  BTW, I am 31, will be 32 monday...so about the same age as you

Original Post by kellygoff:

Has anyone heard of Black Cohosh?  It is an herbal supplement that is supposed to help pre-menopausal women with estrogen like activity.  I figured it may not hurt.  Has anyone tried it?

I will give Pilate's a try and I will go put on some pretty panties and see if that helps:)  I was feeling so crappy this morning about myself, now I almost feel empowered! :) Thanks for all the support.

I've tried it, and never had any luck with it.  I'd look more into it as well because some have had liver problems from it.  Every woman is different though, so it might not hurt to try. 

Unfortunately, the only thing I've noticed to work aside from getting a progesterone prescription every few months to induce a period is actually drinking soy.  But this is a battle in its own I guess as there's the GMO issue.  Soy also acts as an estrogen in the body, and every couple months or so, I'd drink soy every other day (maybe a soy chai @ ye ol' Starbucks haha), and I'd get a period. Another option you could try if Soy isn't a concern for you.

Chrissycoff, you definitely need to be eating more.  A minimum of 1200-1500-1800 calories.  Some great healthy fats are avocados, nuts, olive oil.  The vaginal mucous/lubrication does vary greatly from woman to woman, but for those times when you don't have a lot I'd highly recommend picking up some lubricant from the local pharmacy (also drink enough fluids so that you aren't dehydrated, fruit juices would be an easy way to increase your calories and make sure you're hydrated).  There's a couple varieties available at most local drugstores, anything from KY jelly to Kama Sutra oil some of which are edible...I recommend the edible as sometimes such things end up in interesting places at the least expected times.

Due to various problems I too suffer from low libido and my OH gets pretty frustrated sometimes too. Have you triend things like taking baths or showers together, massage with scented oils, masturbation? Men love those kind of things... well, mine does anyway :)

I truly sympathise with the your situation, but think the others have given great advice - walk the dog and bike with the kids, but nothing more, and try to get your hubby to be a little more understanding.

I wish you all the best. ((((HUGS))))

Have you guys thought of doing marrage therapy or have you thought of doing it individually? Aside from the weight and calories I think there may be some underlying issues that if you figure out what it is may help the intimacy issue. Of course sex is part of a healthy relationship and your husband has needs as do you but ultimatums I don't like as I feel it creates anger and other emotions. Now I may be reading into this for you but in any regards therapy may help.

As or the no period I agree it may be from the running. I really feel why I got my period back at lower weights in recent times is because my activity was so limited. You often here of even ahletes who do consume high cal diets have period issues. I think it really takes a toll on some bodies to have such activity levels.