Just another binging anorexic...

I knew it would happen...I've been restricting again, almost back down to my lowest weight, and now I'm in one of those binge phases where I feel like every moment that I'm not nauseous is an opportunity to be eating.  In fact, right now I'm eating a huge cheese and turkey sandwich dripping in mayonnaise, and I don't even know if I like mayonnaise!

I'm not so much asking for support...or maybe I am, cause hey - binging is as rough as restricting.  Mainly, I just wanted to send a message to the lot of those with EDs, specifically with Anorexia.  I've noticed a bunch of posts from recovering anorexics in the refeeding process who have found themselves embracing food in ways that they previously wouldn't have dreamed of.  When you're "allowed" to have something that you forbid yourself from for so long, it makes sense that you might get the urge to go "overboard!"  It's great for your body (in regards to being malnourished), but maybe it takes a toll on your mind.

A lot of times we can feel ashamed, like we're "not anorexic anymore" or that we're "out of control."  It feels out of place to be downing food left and right after staying away from it for so long.  Often, we feel like we "don't deserve help."  But we DO.  We have an unhealthy relationship with food, and it comes out in a lot of different ways.  Anorexia is Anorexia regardless of whether or not you've eaten 300 or 3000 calories.  Don't get caught up in the numbers.  It's the feelings and thoughts that are important.

You are not alone!  Hang in there.  It's a journey, a process, it's changing and growing and shaping.

Sending love and support to all of those recovered, recovering, or even contemplating recovery!!

Wow...I completely agree with everything you just said! Especially the part about feeling ashamed when we are not at such a "dangerously low weight" anymore, and we feel so "out of control" around food.

I look back when I was eating 800 calories every single day and I did it religously. I didn't feel hunger. (I probably did I just supressed it so much). Now it is a battle everyday with food. I want to restrict back to 800 so badley. But its like my body won't let me anymore! The hunger makes me almost cry. I was wondering if this happens to anyone else who is recovering?

It is my eating disordered mind Vs my body everyday. I don't know who to listen to. I sure as hell hate listening to my body most of the time. I don't like my body. I don't like my natural weight. Of course, being 85 pounds looks pretty gross on me too.

Anyways, It's comforting to know that others struggle with the same things. It's unfortunate, but I don't feel so insane and crazy when I know others fight the same fight. My heart goes out to everyone. Keep fighting!

I totally can emphatize. EXACT SAME STORY. =(

Been swinging between undereating and binge eating. Just hit my minimum healthy weight, but it makes me feel so fat and gross. Unfortuntely, 'feeling fat' makes me want to binge, the irony of it all.

I'd just like to mention one other thing - After talking to my therapist yesterday, I coffessed that I feel that when I can't control my food, I can't control my life. So on days when I binge, the whole day is literally 'shot' because I feel like I can't do anything else (and don't even want to get out of bed most of the time.)

And yes, it's not even about weight/size/numbers. It's a warped relationship with food.

Hey you guys, hang in there. Let me know of your progress. I'm so glad I read this post this morning, because somehow, I feel motivated to work hard at recovery today. :)

thanks so much for posting this! i've been feeling just like this lately. its unbelievable- i never thought i would have a problem eating too LITTLE calories. i remember i was horrified at the thought of people eating as much as 1000 calories a day- i'm well over now :)

Yes! I used to live off 2 weekbix and a glass of milo a day (chocolate malt drink you add to milk ).  I would be starved to death by 9am now if I was to have that amount for breakfast, let alone a whole day!

I joined this site because I have a serious sugar addiction that amounts to my whole diet.  Everything I consume contains added sugar!! The physical and emotional toll of this for me is horrendous!! 

Thank you so much for the initial post.

thanks.  sometimes this struggle in life sucks.  I never know when I'm really hungry cause it's all one emotional ride.  If I eat I"m stressed, especailly when I binge.  When I don't eat I stress cause I want to be healthy and I know that's not healthy.  This might be too much info, but the other day I had a huge binge, vomitted it all back up and there I sat kneeling in front of the toilet, sweating, while my 3 and 2 year old pounded on the bathroom door, I've never felt lower in my life.  I cried all afternoon.  I hate when I can't "control" my eating.  I want to be healthy for me and for my kids, I don't want them to struggle like me.  I worry that they will pick up on mommies bad habits.  Uggg, I wish there was a magical way to heal.  I try everyday, with all I am, and someday I know it will get easier, right now I'm just trying to deal and make it through an hour at a time.  thanks for all the posts and encouragment.

Anyone feels like if you can't control your food, you can't control the REST OF YOUR LIFE? That's how I feel sometimes. The moment I try to eat 'normally', I feel like I've broken a rule and I go all out and break all rules,even in other aspects of my life.

I'm going to try living by my rules the whole of next week. Which means I'm giving up being 'normal' for a week. :( It feels like the onyl way to grasp a hold of the rest of my life.

I agree with this post. Even though I've never been an anorexic myself, I'm definitely a binger. The past 3 days I've just been eating and eatig. Tonight I just came home and downed probably 1500 calories in addition to the other calories I consumed earlier. Ugh. It probably wasn't more than 2500 for the day, but to me it's still disgusting. And then tomorrow I'll restrict, and then just binge again...it's an on going cycle and i really wonder if it will ever end or if the rest of my life will be like this.

I can relate completly! I've gained so much weight this summer. I eat huuuuuuuuge amounts now that I've "recovered" (not really) from my anorexia. This summer I gained 12 lbs! I hate that this happens. My plan is to isolated myself from food except for a reasonable amount of calories a day by staying in the guest house until I can "break" the addiction. That worked for my sister when she was binging. 

I don't know what my problem used to be. I think it was just depression. Back around Christmas last year I just stopped eating for a few days. Food just....disgusted me. Then I realized what was happening to me, and I bumped it up. I was ignorant, and didn't know that you needed a certain amount of calories. I restricted to about 800, and only ate fruits, and veggies. Needless to say I did my body a lot of harm. I found this site, and realized my mistakes. I'm sure you know just how wierd it is to suddenly EAT! It felt wierd. I couldn't do it for a while. I still ate the amount of calories that I needed, but I never ate anything remotely high calorie. It was always a lot of very low calorie food, and often for me. Then recently I've been much more lenient. I feel MUCH better about myself :)

P.S I'm still at the same weight. It's wierd.

HI YA. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. JUST LATELY I HAVE BEEN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. ITS LIKE SOME KIND OF PULL WHERE WE HAVE BEEN STARVING OUR BODIES THEN WE FIND OURSELVES GRABBING AT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.  I HAVE HAD TWO BINGES THIS WEEK ALONE. APPARENTLY SO MY THERAPIST SAYS ITS PART OF RECOVERY BUT IT WILL SORT ITSELF OUT. I KNOW PEER PRESSURE DOES NOT HELP I HAVE HAD ARGUEMENTS WITH MY HUSBAND ABOUT FOOD AND HE GIVES UP BECAUSE HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND A LOT OF WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. WE NEED SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT BUT BEING MADE TO FEEL BAD DOESNT HELP.  I HAVE BEEN A SUFFERER OF ANOREXIA NERVOSA SINCE I WAS 9 YEARS OF AGE I AM NOW 36 AND BECAUSE I HAVE A 8 MONTH OLD SON I JUST WISH MY WORLD WOULD BE A WHOLE BETTER THAN IT HAS BEEN.  BUFFY6

hi,

omg.. i totally get it. I went from being anorexic to trying to gain weight to be a healthy weight again and I have started to binge eat like crazy I have gained so much weight and i am scared that I will go back to being anorexic and it be worse then it was the first time. I can hardly look at food without eating it all the whole loaf of bread of having none of it. Its crazy!

I'm completely in this boat right now... I stayed up until 3 am last night just so I could binge.... I've been restricting again and it's taking a  toll on me mentally. I tell myself to let it go but it's difficult. I'm at a healthy weight now and I exercise a ton less than I used to but I feel like I can't escape at times. My thoughts are typically pretty normal but there are times when I feel myself losing grip on things and then I binge and pretty much make everything 10x worse. I know bingeing is hurting me but at times I just can't seem to stop.

 

It's best to be honest to ourselves though and take things one day at a time. Being sick took some work and being healthy is going to be 50x as hard. I want to be healthy so I've just got to stick it out. We'll be okay guys <3

I've been struggling with binging too. I was exclusively anorexic for a few years and reached my lowest weight in December. Since then I've gained about 5 or 6 pounds from binging and I can't seem to control myself! 

After a binge I restrict for a day or two, eat healthy for a week, but then it seems to happen again! However, the binges seem to be smaller lately and I'm getting better at stopping before it gets too bad. I just wish I could eat normally and have a healthy body and mind. 

I still think about food all the time, and find myself planning meals and fantasizing about junk food. I've been seeing a therapist for about a month now and should be entering an ED treatment program within the next two weeks. I hope that all this will help me recover and lead a normal life. 

I can relate to how you are all feeling and hope you find success in your recovery efforts. Don't lose hope, we can all do it!

STORY OF MY LIFE.

i went from 95 pounds to 135 pounds in a matter of a summer. sadly, my three years of the binge-starve cycle has returned and has suddenly taken a dangerous turn down the road of bulimia as well. it's the worst relapse i've ever had.

stay strong.

this post means so much to me, considering im a   binging ana  (pro) and just had a binge for the first time in 3 weeks and feel totally depressed. and its true it makes people feel like there not anorexic anymore which totally makes you feel worse especually if your pro ana.

this post made me feel alot better <3
thanks !
~

nobody wants pro-ana on this site bethann. so get off and find what your looking for somewhere else. loser