another one bites the dust

i've said many times that almost all of my friends who've married in their 20s have divorced in their 30s.  well, it's happening again.  a good friend of mine, 32, has just left her husband.  he's a good guy; i thought they were a good couple. 

the pattern is so predictable: they meet young, fall in love (whatever that means), get married because--well--that's what you do if you're not going to break up.  and then one day the woman wakes up, looks around, and asks herself - is this it?  is this the rest of my life, or am i going to shoot for more?

and almost universally, the men are happy with the status quo.  for them, it seems like marriage is some kind of arrival point beyond which they don't have to grow. 

anyway, it's on my mind right now, because my friend is in that manic, hysterical phase where she's having loads of fun, feeling a little guilty about having loads of fun, and waiting for the hit.  you know?

Aw, sorry to hear that. My husband turned 30 this year and we're still doing ok (been together 8 years, married 3). We'll see how it goes when I turn 30. :0

Marriage, like any relationship, requires some work to keep it going.

yeah, of course.  i know i oversimplified.  my friend (this one, and others) has worked at it.  she worked really hard, for a long time; she's just very private and didn't share that they were struggling.  but he hated the city where they were living, blamed geography for his lack of success and happiness, and that was part of the reason she took a job here (leaving behind a home, family, a good job, and her graduate program).  that was a year ago.  the move was supposed to make him happy, but nothing changed (geography rarely fixes anything, as we know, but it's easy to think it will).

i do have friends who've stayed together.  but i'm pretty sure i'm down to one couple....

Give me nine more years, I'll prove it can be done for you.

it takes longer when there are babies.

i thought i'd get responses from people who've either (a) been through the process or (b) observed the pattern.

figures i'd hear from the married 20-somethings.

i really love how age, wisdom, education, and perspective mean absolutely nothing to you people ;)

If marriage fails.. its because there wasnt REAL love to begin with. Of course what do I know. Im still young and have not been married but I take romanticism and love to be the greatest power of all. I felt it once so I know that if the other player in the party feels the same way, then a diamond cannot exemplify the everlastingess which is love. The most beautiful thing about love is that its so so so simple. You need no practical reason for loving... its just there and it never goes away.

So yes. There might be people... many people... the majority who feel like they love someone and then after a few years realise that it was not quite so. Well. Simply put... it was not love. That mention that men are happy with the "status quo".. well. Its true. No palacial suroundings... no amount of wealth or strivings of fame and grandure would really interest me more than the simplicity of the person I love. If I have her... then I really have everything I could ever crave. The rest of course; to strive for more would really just be in order to offer her more and mabye also to have a better of lifestyle for the children to come. Yet as the Beatles said, "all you need is love". The rest is just something extra.

As I mentioned in a previous yet somewhat contraversial post. I love to travel and I would love to travel with my parter (she being my wife or not) for as long as possible. Yet if it came to it being that she at some point wanted to call it quits (either because of the children or personaly just wanting to be stable in a place), then because I love her.. everything else... even my joy of traveling would imediately come second without a second thought and I wouldnt even take is at a hardship. Thats what love is. Its beautiful from beggining to end.

You just have to find that someone who you love and who likewise loves you the same way back and the future is sealed in perfection. PG.. dont doubt love. You may have been stabbed by it which makes you doubt and question it. I know I have, yet its like falling of a horse. Get right back up. Even if you fall several times and it hurts like hell. Eternal love (even at the youngest of ages) does exist.

im sorry for what may be an overly long text. I get quite empassioned by these subjects :P

best of luck to your friend.

gah.  i should have waited and posted in the morning when the grown-ups are awake.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

gah.  i should have waited and posted in the morning when the grown-ups are awake.

does age kill the heart? ;)

no, grasshopper, but growing up (or the lack thereof) makes for different priorities.  lennon was wrong: love is not all you need.

interesting. What are your priorities in life?

priority number 1: not wasting my time on cool dudes who think they know **** when they don't.

priority number 2: taking care of myself, my family, my dog, and my friends.

priority number 3: balancing the intellectual, physical, spiritual, and mental parts of myself in each of the realms of my life.

priority number 4: continuing to learn and grow, even if that might take me away from the above.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

priority number 1: not wasting my time on cool dudes who think they know **** when they don't.

priority number 2: taking care of myself, my family, my dog, and my friends.

priority number 3: balancing the intellectual, physical, spiritual, and mental parts of myself in each of the realms of my life.

priority number 4: continuing to learn and grow, even if that might take me away from the above.

fair enough.. but to each:

1. Dont waste any time on that. At some point you will find someone who actually admits he knows **** yet is willing to learn.

2. No reason why love would prevent you from doing this.

3. Same as above.

4. Same as above.

PG... couldnt you do all of that. All of what you love and also have someone there who you love and loves you as well? Why the pesimism? And John Lennon was correct.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

i really love how age, wisdom, education, and perspective mean absolutely nothing to you people ;)

nah, wisdom is just a crutch for people who can't handle naive, youthful idealism ;)

seriously, though, i know exactly the pattern you are talking about.  i get the impression that some people find themselves married because they consider it part of earning the adulthood merit badge and figure that the details will work themselves out once the commitment has been made.  the wedding industrial complex probably doesn't help either.  maybe the pressure to marry despite personal reservations is also stronger for women, idk.

Original Post by coreyander:

Original Post by pgeorgian:

i really love how age, wisdom, education, and perspective mean absolutely nothing to you people ;)

nah, wisdom is just a crutch for people who can't handle naive, youthful idealism ;)

seriously, though, i know exactly the pattern you are talking about.  i get the impression that some people find themselves married because they consider it part of earning the adulthood merit badge and figure that the details will work themselves out once the commitment has been made.  the wedding industrial complex probably doesn't help either.  maybe the pressure to marry despite personal reservations is also stronger for women, idk.

Agreed.  I might be one of those recently married 20 somethings (very nearly 24 years old), but I don't feel as though I have fallen prey to the wedding industrial complex...which so many of my friends seem to think is important. I didn't get an engagement ring and nearly all of my friends felt it necessary to criticize even when they know I don't really like jewelry (I got a very tasteful wedding band though...nothing flashy).

I also think the idea of "well, we've been together for X number of years, the next step is marriage" is really one of the big problems.  Marriage should never just be a "next step".  Getting married is not just another rung on the ladder of the relationship. 

Another big problem, I think, is that many people assume that getting married will solve the problems they had in their dating relationship.  People for some reason assume it will be easy to change the other person after you are married.  WRONG! 

In any case, while I know these are not all of the possible causes of divorce, I do think they are pertinent to those who marry young.  Like I said before, I am nearly 24 years old and I know 3 people either my age or younger who have been married and are now divorced or getting divorced.   It's completely absurd.  Two of the cases were elopements, so I suppose that kind of explains things....

I am 23 and I am at that stage where a ton of people I know are getting married.

A friend of mine is 26 and he is at that stage where a ton of people he knows are getting divorced.

Nuff said.

ETA: This makes for an interesting read. The main idea is that you need one "practice" marriage befor the one that will last you for life. While I tend to disagree, the author does make a good case.

Marriage knows no age.  My mom and dad were together for twenty-something years before getting married in their forties/fifties.  It lasted.. what, three years?

Sorry I'm one of those recently married twenty-somethings, but I'm the most awesome one so my opinion counts for something whether you like it or not. :D

All of my siblings are in their 30s (oldest bro turns 40 this year) they're all still married.  Husband's parents have been married 50+ years.  His sister is nearly 50 and she is still married.  I know high school sweethearts in their 30s who are still married (no kids).

And I know people younger than myself who've already gone through their first divorce (and workin' on their second).

Some marriages last.  Some people grow together instead of apart.

Original Post by bombacho:

If marriage fails.. its because there wasnt REAL love to begin with. Of course what do I know. Im still young and have not been married but I take romanticism and love to be the greatest power of all. I felt it once so I know that if the other player in the party feels the same way, then a diamond cannot exemplify the everlastingess which is love. The most beautiful thing about love is that its so so so simple. You need no practical reason for loving... its just there and it never goes away.

 If you 'felt it once' and 'it never goes away', how is it that you don't still feel it?

Sometimes love goes away.  Sometimes love changes.  Sometimes it wasn't really love in the first place.  It's hard to say and is different for everyone.

I'm 34.  I have a wide group of friends from many different cultures.  Many of them are still single or in relationships but not married.  I can't think of a married couple that is divorced (yet).  I hope it stays that way... the ones who aren't ready to marry shouldn't, and the ones who are married should work to stay together if at all possible. 

(Then there's the couple who I wish hadn't married in the first place but seem to be going strong despite the guy being an utter Arschhole.  Some people will put up with anything.  Is that love too?)

I was one of those twenty somethings about twenty something years ago. Me and my mate do not have, nor ever desired children, and are going strong.

The only times I look around and wonder is this all there is would be after hubby has taken down all the fresh baked cookies leaving only crumbs and an overlooked chocolate chip.

All those I know who went the kids route are now divorced.

I met my husband just after turning 20...married him just after turning 21.  he was 24 when we married...we celebrate 18 years married in august.  we have never been happier...we have 3 kids...

It can happen...