Answer for XMassBaby?

XMassBaby asked a good question in her introduction:

"I would like to ask how you cope with family and friends who keep just telling you to eat, asking you all the time what you have eaten then moaning at you that, that isn't enough, I'm getting it all the time and its making it worse...."

Does anybody else have this problem? How are you handling it?

I think it's much harder to detach when you are a young person living at home and cooking/eating with the family. There's a lot of pressure there, most of it unspoken...and then there is the nagging. None of that is productive for anyone.

What is going to be comfortable for you may not be the best thing for "everyone" or "the family" or what "mom" thinks or "dad" thinks. And it's worse if you are a scapegoat for the family dysfunction, so "everything" is your fault or the fault of your disease.

Understand that this is not reality. You are only responsible for your own actions and attitudes. You are not dictating to the family, and they are not allowed to dictate to you. Your professional caregivers (if any) may be helpful to defuse destructive criticism or unwelcome suggestions. This is your time to figure out for yourself what you need to do to help yourself.

My kids want to tell me how to be "fit", how much cardio, strength training--it's great that they care, but I have to "detach with love"--I love them and love that they care about me, but I cannot get involved in a discussion about my exercise habits with them.

Actually I'm not so good at it...I tried to do the cardio thing on my new exercise bike and I injured my hip and had trouble for a couple of weeks before I slowly got back on the bike, with doctor advice, go slow, increase gradually, etc. There was another "good tip" they had for me that turned out badly for me.

I've had some success with turning the tables, but then, I'm their mom, so I can say: well, how many reps did you do today? How much cardio? The point is not really to get into a discussion about it.

I've been told, and I believe this, that their opinions about me are NONE OF MY BUSINESS! They can believe whatever they want to, suggest whatever they feel like, it has nothing to do with me. Take what you like, and leave the rest!

 This is a good topic, and I hope you get lots of responses.

Hi Xmassbaby.

I have a question for you.  Have you gone to a therapist or nutritionist?  I had that problem with my family when I was going through my recovery.  It was always my father, standing over me telling me that its not enough.  But I politely told him that this was the opinion of my professional nutritionist who went to Graduate school so that she could advise me on how to eat the best way for my body.  I told him that in order for me to recover, I needed his support in following my therapist's, nutritionist's, and doctor's advice.  That not only silenced him, but gave me additional support in my recovery.

That's my family and friends.

I had one friend write a letter to me saying, "JUST EAT, EAT, AND EAT. GET FAT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT." As if it were that simple, as if my fear of gaining weight were the ONLY factor driving me into my destructive behavior, which it wasn't then, it isn't now.

My dad and brother pretty much make a joke about how skinny I am, as though I'm naturally underweight. It's never bothered me, really, because I know they are both just trying to deal with this the only way they know how, which is through misplaced humor? My sister, on the other hand, stays silent most of the time...but when she does talk about it, she tries to offer me advice on HOW to eat because once, I told her I've forgotten what a normal meal looks like. She tells me that it's okay to have a piece of cake if I want a piece of cake, but I think she knows that I hear what she's saying and I just can't bring myself to understand it because of everything I have going on inside that tells me otherwise.

My mom is the most involved in my EDs. There are times when she's so supportive of me and there are other times when she asks me what I've eaten and after I tell her, she mocks me with this indescribable scowl on her face, then lectures me about how it's not enough, how she's going to have me admitted to mental health again, or worse yet, put me back into the clinic that I was in for 3 weeks last year. Sometimes she will lend me support, other times, her only defense is threats. I never get angry at her, though, like I used to. I know she's just scared.

Do you think that it would be better to not tell your parents? My parents have always nagged at me to eat more. I think if i told them the truth about my ED then they might only nag more and make the problem worse. Even though family and friends  nag or dont understand, was it worthwhile to tell them?

For me, it was worthwhile.  First of all, they only want what is best for you.  Second, you should be seeing a nutritionist and using a meal plan.  Also, make sure that your family knows that you are seeing this nutritionist for a reason.  My father always used to make comments about what I ate even after my nutritionist got involved.  One day, I told him that my nutritionist knows what is best for me, that she went to school for this, and that I was going to follow her professional advice.  It shut him up pretty quick, or atleast made him realize that I am making an effort at recovery, even if it isn't his ideal.

they nag because they care.

as a recovered anorexic looking back on the course of my disease, i had NO IDEA how much danger i was putting my health in.  my friends and family were constantly on me to eat and i found it incredibly frustrating, but really it was the best thing they could have done.

the only way to get them to stop is to get better.  i started refeeding very slowly.  take lots of vitamins and minerals, try eating fortified foods and maybe you'll have a better outlook.