anxiety ridden day, fear of relapse, please help

okay so i felt like s*it today. i woke up as usual, worked out at the gym [took a strength group class] didn't sweat, but it kicked my butt. i know today's weigh in for me, so i did my usual cardio, about 25 minutes on this elliptical thing. walked to my school's pool locker room where i weigh myself, i though i was like 5 pounds more than last week, i lost 2. i wasn't HAPPY necessarily about the loss, but not upset even though this puts me below my goal weight. 

the thing is that i had A LOT of anxiety about weighing becuase I FELT fat regardless of what the scale said. i felt weighed down and heavy, bloated, gross. maybe it's because TTOM is coming and its messing with my body.

this loss also comes after a 200 calorie decrease from last week since i had gained about a pound the week prior. i think i'm going to increase by 100 calories, i also did an extra spin session.

but i guess the reason why i say i fear a relapse is because prior to weighing i was already thinking about what i would change since I FELT so gross. i don't want to fall into having a distorted view of my self that leads me to overcompensate and become anorexic again but it seems possible. i really don't want this to happen and i was wondering if anyone could provide their perspective on how i can avoid this trap. i don't need a lecture or anyone condemning me for honesty, just some advice, personal experience, anything at all.

My vote is to have a day with your girl friends and do fun girly things (not necessarily food related like lunch) Go see a chick flick, and go shopping, if you're broke, just go try on pretty dresses and other things you can't afford. Look up some fun diy at home spa stuff, like face masks and paint your nails. Do what would make you feel pretty and happy. If you get hungry, maybe suggest subway, or some other place that is mostly healthy, so you don't have to stress about what you can or can't eat.

I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to message me if you're looking for someone to vent to!

what cals are you taking in?

anywhere between 1800 and 2000. Now i'm thinking about a consistent 1900.

ultimately its all about the number on the scale, not how u feel, if ur weight is at a borderline point or ur recovering from an ED.  thats why a bmi is often reccommended, bc if u do lose, ull still be in a healthy range and Mentally gaining a few lbs back will be easier than if u lose to an underweight point.

i think u dropped ur cals too fast after what was a very small gain.

i also think that u may want to rethink ur WO schedule.  u excercise a lot.  think about the future.  if u have a job or whatever, chances are u wont be able to keep the same routine, then waht?  i like to think about what i can sustain in the future w/ o super stress, ya know?

Original Post by agruskin:

ultimately its all about the number on the scale, not how u feel, if ur weight is at a borderline point or ur recovering from an ED.  thats why a bmi is often reccommended, bc if u do lose, ull still be in a healthy range and Mentally gaining a few lbs back will be easier than if u lose to an underweight point.

i think u dropped ur cals too fast after what was a very small gain.

i also think that u may want to rethink ur WO schedule.  u excercise a lot.  think about the future.  if u have a job or whatever, chances are u wont be able to keep the same routine, then waht?  i like to think about what i can sustain in the future w/ o super stress, ya know?

i don't work out for more than an hour daily and it's before i start my day so i don't think i will have a problem with maintaining it. however, i am thinking of maybe cutting back A BIT. maybe only 2 spin classes a week, 1 run of about 3-4 miles, 1 cardio class of about 1 hour, and 2 sessions on a cardio machine for 30 minutes, and 2 strength classes of 30 minutes on the cardio machine days. that really isn't much, 400 calories burned tops. so, i figure i should be eating enough with 1900 and able to sustain this for life. does that seem like an okay plan?

chrissy-when i graduated from college i had tons of time, even when i started grad school, i work now, im up at 6 am-work out then, no, not me, not happening.  spin is intense, period- 2/wk, i just think u might be setting urself up for failure, either that u cant continue the whole routine or that ull become obsessed w excercise, maybe u d ont do X amount then u cant eat, who knows, its an addicitve cycle very often linked w ED and attempts at recovery. 

no way can i work out for an hr a day now, i cant even follow ur WO in my head, its a ton of excercise, a weightloss routine maybe.  i think if mentall u could consistantly eat more, 2500 maybe, then maybe u can keep up that routine.  it looks like a weight loss amount of excercise+cardio.  cardio everyday?? r ur friends like this??

im not meaning to be offensive, honestly, i also see myself and how i used to be so if its just me, then so be it, just my perspective.

Original Post by agruskin:

chrissy-when i graduated from college i had tons of time, even when i started grad school, i work now, im up at 6 am-work out then, no, not me, not happening.  spin is intense, period- 2/wk, i just think u might be setting urself up for failure, either that u cant continue the whole routine or that ull become obsessed w excercise, maybe u d ont do X amount then u cant eat, who knows, its an addicitve cycle very often linked w ED and attempts at recovery. 

no way can i work out for an hr a day now, i cant even follow ur WO in my head, its a ton of excercise, a weightloss routine maybe.  i think if mentall u could consistantly eat more, 2500 maybe, then maybe u can keep up that routine.  it looks like a weight loss amount of excercise+cardio.  cardio everyday?? r ur friends like this??

im not meaning to be offensive, honestly, i also see myself and how i used to be so if its just me, then so be it, just my perspective.

i don't have any friends. i live in los angeles, so is this normal? yes. Is spinning for 45 minutes insane to me, not at all. it's not any more than most people on this site, maintainers, weight loss, the like. i don't see it as a lot.

heres a typical week in the past, i wake up at 6:40, and get to the gym by 7...

M: spin class runs from 7:40-8:30, then i go home [will be changing to 7-7:50]

T: i get to the gym, do the elliptical or arc trainer for about 45 minutes and 10 minutes weights [likely to change it to a strength class and 20-30 mins cardio machine]

W: spin class from 7:30-8:30 [will be changing to 7-7:50]

TH: usually arc trainer or elliptical for 45 mins, which ever one i didn't do on Tuesday [likely to change it to a strength class and 20-30 mins cardio machine]

Fri: arc trainer or elliptical for 45 minutes and 15 mins pilates DVD [this will be changing to strength, like today, a class that runs for 1 hour]

Sat: usually I do pilates for 25 minutes and a 2 mile run [Likely to be some sort of cardio class for about 1 hour]

So that's a grand total of about 200 mins cardio and  120 mins strength, so that's a grand total of less than 6 hours a week for workout time. i don't think that's unmanageable. i have decided to scale it back though, which is why there's more strength, 1 run, and only 30 mins max on the cardio machines

normal? which part?

try and keep in mind that the ppl on this site r here bc mostly theyre very into excercising, trying to be, or trying to lose weight so many repsonses given on this site are skewed, not necessaraly the run of the mill person, ya know?  no, im not nearly as active as u r and none of my friends r nor do i know anyone like that other than the trainers at the gym, maybe its just me.

45 spin of spin isnt insane, but doing it multipe times a week w other cardio is a lot, i think. 

stregnth training is also cardio, i think its a lot, in total, a lot of excefcise.

im up at 6, eat, get ready, drive to work.  id love to have the energy that u seem to have, sure, thats part of the reason im taking another look at my foods bc i dont have the energy that i think i could have but again, just my opinion.

Original Post by agruskin:

normal? which part?

try and keep in mind that the ppl on this site r here bc mostly theyre very into excercising, trying to be, or trying to lose weight so many repsonses given on this site are skewed, not necessaraly the run of the mill person, ya know?  no, im not nearly as active as u r and none of my friends r nor do i know anyone like that other than the trainers at the gym, maybe its just me.

45 spin of spin isnt insane, but doing it multipe times a week w other cardio is a lot, i think. 

stregnth training is also cardio, i think its a lot, in total, a lot of excefcise.

im up at 6, eat, get ready, drive to work.  id love to have the energy that u seem to have, sure, thats part of the reason im taking another look at my foods bc i dont have the energy that i think i could have but again, just my opinion.

i value your opinion, part of it is that i have nothing better to do. if i didn't work out i'd just sit at home and eat, which is basically what i do anyway since i workout so early in the morning but at least i don't gain weight since i make sure to get the workout in...lol. many people that spin with me do it 4-5 times per week, every weekday, and that isn't at all uncommon. when taking spin at school the same people attended the monday and wednesday classes consistently and i'd see them running hardcore on the treadmill so i guess maybe the culture here is a little different, i'm not sure but it doesn't SEEM unusual or excessive to me.

My ED therapist showed me a book that said that any more than four hours a week of exercise was considered excessive for ED recovers and may be a sign of compulsive exercising. Do you want to exercise, or do you feel you have to? How do you feel if you need to take a day off?

yep no questions asked ...... prob with exercise there.

one question for you? if you were forced to take a week off exercise COMPLETELY, what way would you respond and what would happen to your calorie intake?

Chrissy - I can relate a lot to what you have written.

Like you, I am focused on living my happiest and healthiest life; that is what genuinely appeals to me, however; at times I find myself looking or feeling “ bigger” then usual, and if I than go and weigh myself and find I am indeed still the same (of even a lbs down due to it being early morning) then I instantly feel “lighter”

The difference now, is that I will only feel PHYSICALLY lighter or heavier; I do not let it change how I feel about the rest of my life/or make the satisfaction I feel from other aspects of my life feel any less significant.

It sounds as though even once we have healthy goals, there will still be that comfort we feel through being slim/staying within a certain “comfortable” weight range. Personally, I have changed so much since I have started studying and I am more happier now then ever before, despite the fact I weigh more; at the same when I first joined this site I liked the way I looked at 111 lbs better, although I was not as happy in my life even though I liked my body/appearance better.

Despite having off moments where I feel temporary comfort if I see a small loss on the scale/ or feeling heavy when I gain half a lbs due to food weight, I am not letting it make me alter my food/thoughts about food or etc. I know that if I simply eat when I am hungry and aim to look/feel my best and get the most out of life, that my body will maintain a weight that is natural/optimal for me.

It sounds like you have a weight range that you think is best for you, and you are in the process of trying to figure out how to best maintain this optimal weight

Your goals of health are healthy, however, it sounds like you are still thinking about maintaining/staying within a set range/ways you need to alter your calories after only small fluctuations, like 1 lbs.

Another way of looking at this, is: do you trust that if you feed your body the right foods/and do the appropriate toning exercises ( NOT over doing it!) that your body will naturally take care of its self?

The way I now look at it, is that if I eat raw/ natural/unprocessed foods (I am 100% clean eater) then WHAT I eat and HOW I treat my body are what dictate how healthy and comfortable I am about my body; I feel better knowing my calorie and exercise routine is benefiting my skin/hair/body in ways other then the weight on the scale.

I do have those underlying thoughts in my head all the time though, I have just learnt to live with them, and to not let them dictate how I feel about the rest of my life/ they are insignificant thoughts but they are still there.

A lot of people CAN exercise for that amount and be healthy, it is not only about the amount, it is just as much about the mind set.

I see super fit people that do a lot of exercise, far more then I do! It is a healthy habit for a lot of these people, they do it because they enjoy that way of life; they do not think about how to manipulate calories as soon as they gain half a lbs or go a day without exercise….

Maintaining a certain weight range/calories is not the driving force behind their frequent participation… it tends to be more as a part of their lifestyle and they are able to maintain an optimal weight as a consequence.

More then 60 minutes of cardio a day is unnecessary, so if you ever do more than I hope it is not because you feel you need to; go for an extra walk with a friend if you FEEL like it, and make sure it is not a huge walk (and if it is, be aware that you need to compensate your calories accordingly)

The fact you have written this post indicates that you want what is best for you, and are at least prepared to TRY to over come any issues you may need to address.

I just hope you are not in denial about anything/the amount/reason you exercise.

Personaltrainer87 said it best :) By doing an hour of cardio a day (I do that also) you are not addicted to exercise by any means. A person that is addicted to exercise will workout regardless of pain. They could have severe shin splits, twisted ankle, or a broken arm and they will still workout all the time. I am not talking about an hour a day, these people work out mutiple times a day. They go in the morning maybe for 2 hours, go on their lunch break for another hour, then go after work for another hour or 2. These kinds of over exercisers are sadly addicted. They CANNOT break their cycle, it rules their lives, just like any other addication.

You say you suffer from anxiety issues and by people telling you that you might become addicted to exercise is not helping your anxiety. It just fuels the fire sort of speak.

I feel the same way sometimes. I feel fat or get anxious a bit if I over indulge too much but I know that if I move a bit more and watch what I eat for the next couple days I wont gain weight.

Original Post by fidget84:

yep no questions asked ...... prob with exercise there.

one question for you? if you were forced to take a week off exercise COMPLETELY, what way would you respond and what would happen to your calorie intake?

this was incredibly rude and uncalled for. from this post i don't think you are on here to help but to hurt and that makes me sad.

Original Post by personaltrainer87:

 

Chrissy - I can relate a lot to what you have written.

Like you, I am focused on living my happiest and healthiest life; that is what genuinely appeals to me, however; at times I find myself looking or feeling “ bigger” then usual, and if I than go and weigh myself and find I am indeed still the same (of even a lbs down due to it being early morning) then I instantly feel “lighter”

The difference now, is that I will only feel PHYSICALLY lighter or heavier; I do not let it change how I feel about the rest of my life/or make the satisfaction I feel from other aspects of my life feel any less significant.

It sounds as though even once we have healthy goals, there will still be that comfort we feel through being slim/staying within a certain “comfortable” weight range. Personally, I have changed so much since I have started studying and I am more happier now then ever before, despite the fact I weigh more; at the same when I first joined this site I liked the way I looked at 111 lbs better, although I was not as happy in my life even though I liked my body/appearance better.

Despite having off moments where I feel temporary comfort if I see a small loss on the scale/ or feeling heavy when I gain half a lbs due to food weight, I am not letting it make me alter my food/thoughts about food or etc. I know that if I simply eat when I am hungry and aim to look/feel my best and get the most out of life, that my body will maintain a weight that is natural/optimal for me.

It sounds like you have a weight range that you think is best for you, and you are in the process of trying to figure out how to best maintain this optimal weight

Your goals of health are healthy, however, it sounds like you are still thinking about maintaining/staying within a set range/ways you need to alter your calories after only small fluctuations, like 1 lbs.

Another way of looking at this, is: do you trust that if you feed your body the right foods/and do the appropriate toning exercises ( NOT over doing it!) that your body will naturally take care of its self?

The way I now look at it, is that if I eat raw/ natural/unprocessed foods (I am 100% clean eater) then WHAT I eat and HOW I treat my body are what dictate how healthy and comfortable I am about my body; I feel better knowing my calorie and exercise routine is benefiting my skin/hair/body in ways other then the weight on the scale.

I do have those underlying thoughts in my head all the time though, I have just learnt to live with them, and to not let them dictate how I feel about the rest of my life/ they are insignificant thoughts but they are still there.

 

i think you misunderstood, when i said i felt heavier it was this past week, and i was 2 pounds lighter. the "heavy" or "light" feeling is not correlated with the number on the scale and i may have adjusted my calories too quickly initially, causing the loss. i am eating enough for my size, at 4'11...i think 1900-2000 calories is definitely sufficient, and i NEVER go below this. i have days when i have to cram the calories in and i feel stuffed but i do it.

my weight doesn't dictate how i feel about the rest of my life, the rest of my life pretty much sucks regardless.

honestly, the only thing that makes me feel good is being active, helping people on this forum, reading romance novels, and eating ice cream. i don't have people around me who love me and i don't really have friends. everyone is so superficial and honestly i can't stand to be around them. they are backstabbing, manipulative people and i'm waiting for the right person to step into my life...be it a friend or a lover...so that i can have a meaningful relationship.

exercising and being active though has ALWAYS been a part of my life, i was a cheerleader for 8 years and i worked out in college before i developed my ED the only time i didn't was during recovery. 

my problem is that i feel like my body image is distorted...it isn't based on the scale though...like i said...i lost weight and felt fat. not good. i know i have a problem, and i will not deny that, but i think the criticisms and concerns aren't getting at the right thing per se. thanks for your post...it really does help!!

chrissy-it sounds like ur making excuses, not listening to the advice that ur asking for, repeatedly.  i think u know that ur over excercising and thats y ur asking for help, u need to hear and listen to it, not make excuses.

u said u have no friends.  that u excercise bc u have nothing else to do.  dont u thunk thats the main issue at hand?

maybe the rudeness get s to u bc thats when ur able to see what the prob is, u just dont want to see it bc it is hard and hurtful.

think about it

Original Post by agruskin

u said u have no friends.  that u excercise bc u have nothing else to do.  dont u thunk thats the main issue at hand?

maybe the rudeness get s to u bc thats when ur able to see what the prob is, u just dont want to see it bc it is hard and hurtful.

think about it

not at all, i have no friends because my "friends" always turn out to be backstabbing, manipulative, self centered individuals who are stuck on doing things to get male attention and often they do things that i'm not interested in, like partying, sleeping around, clubbing, getting wasted, etc. please read my other post.

i also don't think i'm making excuses, also read my other post in response to personal trainer, i admit a problem but exercising isn't really one of them. 1 hour a day, come on now...seriously? it's not like i do it obsessively, or it impedes on other areas of my life. how can 1 hour of exercising at 7am when everyone is asleep be responsible for me not having friends, you make it sound like i'm exercising 24/7...let's put things into perspective please. sounds silly when you think about it that way huh? so i guess the people who take 1 hour of their day to sleep in are also deficient in friends for that reasons, yes? not likely. 

it does sound like you are in need of expanding OTHER areas of your life so that eating and exercise don't have such a premium on your thoughts.  you're about to graduate college, which can be both a stressful and exciting experience.  i think it's critical that you find a way of creating a supportive network for yourself.  there are plenty of young people who don't party.  it's your work now to find them.  it feels unfair, i bet, to have to work hard to find support.  but if you get caught up in it being not fair you're not doing yourself any favors.  it can be hard, not fair, tiring, etc.  AND it's something that you need.  and deserve.  connecting with people means allowing yourself to tolerate the discomfort around the imperfections, both in yourself and in others.  you will get hurt if you have relationships.  it's inevitable.  it's what happens when you care. tagging EVERYONE else as being manipulative and selfish is understandable when you've been hurt.  but it's not realistic and, again, does you no favors.  you have to be willing to let go of that if you want to be able to connect. 

i strongly suggest you spend some time trying to create a social network for yourself.  join a community organization.  start a conversation with a stranger at a coffee shop.  talk to that person at the gym you keep seeing.  it will feel awkward, superficial, hard.  that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.  it's part of the process.  so long as eating and exercise are your primary focus you will continue to struggle with them. 

are you jokin me? are you seriously for real? i took time to read many of your posts and offer what help i could. i genuinely made an effort with you and you are snotty enough to turn around and tell me i am being rude.

i asked you a straight out question which would tell relatively quickly whether you have a problem with exercise. you tactfully avoided answering that question.

i wash my hands of you. if you have no friends then you absolutely deserve to be in that position. you are consumed only with you. i hope until you open your introspective eyes that you continue to be as lonely as you are.

i cant believe i bothered my arse to even attempt to help you.

find your own way out of the hole