anxiety ridden day, fear of relapse, please help

okay so i felt like s*it today. i woke up as usual, worked out at the gym [took a strength group class] didn't sweat, but it kicked my butt. i know today's weigh in for me, so i did my usual cardio, about 25 minutes on this elliptical thing. walked to my school's pool locker room where i weigh myself, i though i was like 5 pounds more than last week, i lost 2. i wasn't HAPPY necessarily about the loss, but not upset even though this puts me below my goal weight. 

the thing is that i had A LOT of anxiety about weighing becuase I FELT fat regardless of what the scale said. i felt weighed down and heavy, bloated, gross. maybe it's because TTOM is coming and its messing with my body.

this loss also comes after a 200 calorie decrease from last week since i had gained about a pound the week prior. i think i'm going to increase by 100 calories, i also did an extra spin session.

but i guess the reason why i say i fear a relapse is because prior to weighing i was already thinking about what i would change since I FELT so gross. i don't want to fall into having a distorted view of my self that leads me to overcompensate and become anorexic again but it seems possible. i really don't want this to happen and i was wondering if anyone could provide their perspective on how i can avoid this trap. i don't need a lecture or anyone condemning me for honesty, just some advice, personal experience, anything at all.

Original Post by laura916:

it does sound like you are in need of expanding OTHER areas of your life so that eating and exercise don't have such a premium on your thoughts.  you're about to graduate college, which can be both a stressful and exciting experience. 

tagging EVERYONE else as being manipulative and selfish is understandable when you've been hurt.  but it's not realistic and, again, does you no favors.  you have to be willing to let go of that if you want to be able to connect. 

i strongly suggest you spend some time trying to create a social network for yourself.  join a community organization.  start a conversation with a stranger at a coffee shop.  talk to that person at the gym you keep seeing.  it will feel awkward, superficial, hard. 

so..first statement...i completely agree with it's just the how that i'm having a problem with.

i don't tag everyone as manipulative and selfish but just the people i have encountered thus far. i give everyone an opportunity to be the wonderful person i assume they are and when they prove to be otherwise then they get that tag. i want to believe that people are good but i'm also not naiive and i can see through deception.

oddly enough i am incredibly outgoing even in everyday life, and unafraid to approach a stranger. i am probably one of the most talkative and uninhibited people I have ever encountered but my problem is that I am too particular about what i want from a relationship since i have been hurt so many times. i just feel like if i can't have certain things then i'd rather be alone. it's stupid maybe but i can't stand to be hurt again. so meeting people isn't the problem but developing the relationship so that the person becomes a part of my life is. i don't know if that makes sense or not but basically i just have a level that people can't get through because i have a wall built and it takes a lot for someone to climb it. i don't shoot people down or not let the ones who put forth a genuine effort in, but the people who are willing to actually be vulnerable and real are so few and far between that no one ever really crosses that wall. i may not be making sense but i hope i've provided at least a tad bit of insight into what's wrong with me.

"feeling" like you can't stand to be hurt again is something your mind says.  in fact, you've been hurt.  and you've been able to survive.  trust your experience, not your mind.  it sounds like you've had some real pain in your relationships and i'm sorry to hear that.  it's pain that's so big that it makes you not want to put effort into an area of your life that sounds so valuable to you.  that makes me sad.

would you be willing to be hurt again if it meant you could have people close to you?  letting people in means being willing to get hurt.  it's something we all do because we care so much about having people in our lives.  you can do what you're trying to do now--not feel pain--when you're dead.  life is for living and living means feeling pain.  it's your job to own your pain and to take it with you in the direction of things you really care about.  sometimes the work is really figuring out what you need from relationships.  and then your responsibility is to communicate those needs.  people may still not be able to give them to you...even when they care about you. 

we drive every day even though there's always a risk of getting into an accident.  we take that risk because even though the alternative, staying at home and not living our lives, is safer, it's not really living.  it sounds like you've been in at least a few "accidents."  do you really want to live the rest of your life locked in your house?  or can you be willing to risk another accident because there's some place that you really care about going?  it's your choice.  and you already know how well one side works out because you're living it right now.  you have love and energy and warmth to give.  it would be so sad if you didn't share that for the sake of avoiding pain. 

Original Post by laura916:

"feeling" like you can't stand to be hurt again is something your mind says.  in fact, you've been hurt.  and you've been able to survive.  trust your experience, not your mind.  it sounds like you've had some real pain in your relationships and i'm sorry to hear that.  it's pain that's so big that it makes you not want to put effort into an area of your life that sounds so valuable to you.  that makes me sad.

would you be willing to be hurt again if it meant you could have people close to you?  letting people in means being willing to get hurt.  it's something we all do because we care so much about having people in our lives.  you can do what you're trying to do now--not feel pain--when you're dead.  life is for living and living means feeling pain.  it's your job to own your pain and to take it with you in the direction of things you really care about.  sometimes the work is really figuring out what you need from relationships.  and then your responsibility is to communicate those needs.  people may still not be able to give them to you...even when they care about you. 

we drive every day even though there's always a risk of getting into an accident.  we take that risk because even though the alternative, staying at home and not living our lives, is safer, it's not really living.  it sounds like you've been in at least a few "accidents."  do you really want to live the rest of your life locked in your house?  or can you be willing to risk another accident because there's some place that you really care about going?  it's your choice.  and you already know how well one side works out because you're living it right now.  you have love and energy and warmth to give.  it would be so sad if you didn't share that for the sake of avoiding pain. 

i am willing to be vulnerable but not overly optimistic. i guess i don't exert effort in relationships that seem doomed to fail, which is most of them. most people are not very kind and receptive, or generally caring. they care about their needs, their wants, and their lives and only when you fit into their plan the way you want them to are they willing to put in any effort. they don't look at how their actions affect your life, but only how their actions further their own goals. i give and give and give to people and wait for the moment when someone WANTS to give back because they care, and usually that moment doesn't come. i will allow myself to be hurt in the name of reaping a positive benefit in the moment, but even those moments are few and far between. i want to love and be happy again, and i will allow it to happen but as of yet it just isn't happening. i want it to so badly and that's the part that makes me sad. i always feel like the feelings i have for someone are so much more intense and real than the feelings they have for me, so i put so much on the line to sustain relationships that were never really going anywhere because the other person didn't have the same view of things. does that make sense? i know i know, it seems like i'm being difficult, but really i'm not. i agree with everything you are saying...completely...but it's not as easy as it sounds. it's so hard, and wanting it has not been enough to allow me to have it.

i don't think you're being difficult.  however, if you are repeatedly having signficant problems getting what you need out of relationships, it may be a sign that you should speak with a professional.  in your past few notes you've posed a potentially irreconcilable set of beliefs.  first, you note that you are friendly and optimistic and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  at the same time, you note that people are not kind or generally caring.  it can't be both.  i think you have a tremendous amount of ambivalence about relationships, which makes a lot of sense if you've been hurt.  oftentimes we find ourselves in patterns of behavior that don't work to give us what we need and it sounds like you're in that place.  your experience suggests that giving and giving and giving is not the way to get what you want.  sometimes the hardest thing is to actually ASK for what you need.  it doesn't make someone else's gesture insincere.   people can't read your mind...or your needs for that matter.  i'd be willing to bet that all the giving you do actually makes it hard for people to find room to give to you.  i'm guessing you often eschew people's gestures to help, because you are so used to being the giver.  so then, down the road, when there's something you need, there's no precedent for someone to step in.  this may not be your pattern, but i could see how something like this could develop.  at any rate, if what you're doing to try to get what you need isn't work, it's time to find a new way.  the people aren't broken, selfish, uncaring.  it's the method.  if you can't find a way to try something new or can't figure out what might be going astray, i strongly suggest finding some professional support.  doing so would not make you broken or weird.  it would make you the kind of person who is willing to work at something you care about. 

Hi. I think for myself I have a very small group of people in my life. This makes it harder to give up ALL of the ed and thoughts behind it. I guess in some ways an ed even if better but being consumed with body/food thoughts can take the place of relationships or at least the focus. I know this is very negative way and really being so self focused is a barrier to healthy relationships which really can fufill life. I have been hurt a lot by people and so I have a wall up. I am trying to take chances and let people in and know the whole me. Listen you may get hurt but you may not and if you never take a chance you may miss out on a great person. I know your past with your family and I am sure this is something you may need to look at as well. You said you have a lot of time on your hands. I guess I would ask and sorry I skimmed this but are you going to work this summer?Did you graduate? What about hobbies none excercise or groups?You want a full life and you are not your body. People will like you for all you bring. How many people are you friends with because of what they look like? Lastly I know when I was at a better point in weight I was like what the F I don't feel mentally better towards myself and life. I feel ick. Anyhow that was because I did not work on the life things like relationships,finding who I was etc. Remember you have an email buddy here. You are super helpful and DO NOT deserve bad things. Remember that the people who say these horrid things like the poster said have issues they are taking out on you. Try to see how far you have come and give yourself time.

Original Post by abbi333:

Hi. I think for myself I have a very small group of people in my life. This makes it harder to give up ALL of the ed and thoughts behind it. I guess in some ways an ed even if better but being consumed with body/food thoughts can take the place of relationships or at least the focus. I know this is very negative way and really being so self focused is a barrier to healthy relationships which really can fufill life. I have been hurt a lot by people and so I have a wall up. I am trying to take chances and let people in and know the whole me. Listen you may get hurt but you may not and if you never take a chance you may miss out on a great person. I know your past with your family and I am sure this is something you may need to look at as well. You said you have a lot of time on your hands. I guess I would ask and sorry I skimmed this but are you going to work this summer?Did you graduate? What about hobbies none excercise or groups?You want a full life and you are not your body. People will like you for all you bring. How many people are you friends with because of what they look like? Lastly I know when I was at a better point in weight I was like what the F I don't feel mentally better towards myself and life. I feel ick. Anyhow that was because I did not work on the life things like relationships,finding who I was etc. Remember you have an email buddy here. You are super helpful and DO NOT deserve bad things. Remember that the people who say these horrid things like the poster said have issues they are taking out on you. Try to see how far you have come and give yourself time.

to answer your questions...i am graduating, i am going to be working until grad school starts...actually at a gym...yeah i know. i read for fun, romance novels while eating ice cream. i have no friends that are based on looks, because i have NO friends. there are people that i talk to, go to church with, and maybe spend some time with, but no FRIENDS. i don't use that definition lightly, friends are people who mutually share into one another's life's experiences, goals, ambitions, etc. and have a vested interest in the others' well being...i don't have that with anyone at the moment unfortunately. i don't NOT LET PEOPLE IN, no one wants in to be honest and the people who do are usually the ones who have already had their 3,4,5, chances and blew it. they want in now that i'm better, me ex for example, and he will only bring me back to a bad place so i have to say no to those people. i want to trust, love, and be happy..i honestly do or else it wouldn't get to me this much but i just haven't found anyone yet. i've dated, and the guys turn out to want sex and nothing more...i want companionship. i've tried to make friends but the friends are only there as "going out" buddies, and i don't do that so i can't really be that person for them. i've tried making friends at church but people already have their cliques that they cling to so i'm hoping grad school will be more promising. 

at the risk of being harsh, i'm going to throw something out here, not in the service of being critical or attacking, but really in trying to help you.

there's something going on in this thread which may highlight some of your interpersonal difficulties.  you posted a question.  you asked for help.  you've now received over 20 responses to your post and yet somehow, no one has been able to "help."  the problem you've described continues to twist and transform around the advice of everyone until it becomes untouchable and...you can't be helped.  on the other side, you continue to post helpful responses to others' posts, continue to offer advice, continue to "give."  and yet, here you are, asking for something, and NOT NECESSARILY WITH INTENTION, you are not able to TAKE support.  i want to repeat that.  i don't think you're TRYING to eschew help.  AND you are.  i don't think you're trying to paint your problems as helpless.  AND you have.  so you're getting help and support and yet there's something happening here where you're not able to take it. 

i think this is important. 

and i think you should get some professional help for your interpersonal problems.  in grad school your social pool will only be smaller.  problems with feeling alone even when other people are around do not change when you change social circles.  if you really care about this, please do the work to get yourself to where you want to be.   you so deserve it. 

Original Post by laura916:

at the risk of being harsh, i'm going to throw something out here, not in the service of being critical or attacking, but really in trying to help you.

there's something going on in this thread which may highlight some of your interpersonal difficulties.  you posted a question.  you asked for help.  you've now received over 20 responses to your post and yet somehow, no one has been able to "help."  the problem you've described continues to twist and transform around the advice of everyone until it becomes untouchable and...you can't be helped.  on the other side, you continue to post helpful responses to others' posts, continue to offer advice, continue to "give."  and yet, here you are, asking for something, and NOT NECESSARILY WITH INTENTION, you are not able to TAKE support.  i want to repeat that.  i don't think you're TRYING to eschew help.  AND you are.  i don't think you're trying to paint your problems as helpless.  AND you have.  so you're getting help and support and yet there's something happening here where you're not able to take it. 

i think this is important. 

and i think you should get some professional help for your interpersonal problems.  in grad school your social pool will only be smaller.  problems with feeling alone even when other people are around do not change when you change social circles.  if you really care about this, please do the work to get yourself to where you want to be.   you so deserve it. 

Agreed.

You've displayed some black and white thinking, which is how eating disordered people tend to think. You can't expect people to be good all the time. Neither are they bad all the time. And just because some people have hurt you doesn't mean everyone will.

I did not mean that your friendships are based on looks or the people you talk to. I meant you have so much focus for yourself on your appearance and that is not the only thing about you that will attract others. Also like I stated when someone is so focused on one thing and it is not just appearance/food things but even workholics it pushes other things out.

Laura brings up a good point. I wonder what you feel is the problem in meeting people? You said you go to church and there is cliques but can you try to open up more or ask someone to coffee. You may be surprised when you open up more then will too. A friendship has to grow and sometimes opposites attract.

How do you see your life in the future? On a side note I do feel at different ages especially in the late teens and twenties friends/guys are confused and sometimes are not the most respectful. I am not saying it is right but sometimes it just takes some growing.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about feeling anxious/fat/bloated despite what the scale says. Recovery doesn't happen in the space of a few months, it really doesn't. You will still have occasional moments where the ED thoughts creep up out of nowhere. Learning to accept yourself before others accept you is key. I know you're a selfless, conversational person, heck I've experienced it many a time from you! I agree with Abbi about trying to let friendships grow before shooting them down before they have time to develop. Over time we often come to see that a person is different to what we thought, and this CAN work in the positive way too!

Make the calorie increase and move on from that loss. You've come far already in terms of getting your physical health back. Now you get to work on YOU. On realising that yes, letting people in is risky, but it's a beautiful risk. You may just be surprised by who you find yourself meeting and becoming close with.

You've displayed some black and white thinking, which is "how eating disordered people tend to think. "

that hurts. 

i guess i'm tired of being the only one trying to be frank, it's like i have to force myself on people which just reinforces the idea that i'm undesirable for WHATEVER reason so i figure that FOR NOW i'm done pursuing people because each and every time a relationship goes nowhere when i'm actually trying it's like a mini heartbreak. maybe i'm too sensitive but i have tried and i let people in when they want in but no one wants in. i don't mean to be an annoyance and it's a complicated matter because i have been hurt but i'm not hardened to love or life, i want those things and i'll be vulnerable when someone needs that from me but until then all i can do is wait for someone to come along who cares and wants a deeper relationship than the casual, "hello how are you" and that's it. hmm...maybe i'm broken in some way that i don't see. 

what do you want from people? what do you want from people here. like laura said you'v received 30 responses and regardless of that you seem adamant that you are unloveable or unhelpable.

you are waiting for the right person to swoop in to "save you". you seem like the type of person that no matter how much love you get its never enough.

why dont you seek help outside this forum, coz i think no matter what anyone says, you're going to continue on the negative trail. you claim to be miserable yet you are doin anything to stay focused on that position

I was going back through some of the responses you have got and also some of your reactions. Is there a way even if you don't agree totally that you can see where parts may fit. For ex times in your life where you think black and white? We all do even people without ed's do and have to work on it often. I don't see you digging on any of the challenges you recieve just brushing them off or feeling hurt. Sometimes to get to a better point you have to get some tuff love. It does not take away that you have made a lot of progress.

I am going to agree with fidget for a moment this time about having someone save you. I know I tend to play and I hate this term but the victim role and I am really trying to take ownership and not do that. Everyone has been hurt to varing degrees but it is about moving forward. If you stay in the way things have been or that constant state of negative about the same thing happening things can't change. I truly am starting to believe that mindset can have a lot to do with a better life.

Original Post by chrissy1988:

You've displayed some black and white thinking, which is "how eating disordered people tend to think. "

that hurts.  

 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.

I think the risk here is that if you believe that you're hurt, and vulnerable, and broken, then other people will notice that and take advantage of you. Also, and I'm being blunt here, but people have been hurt from relationships before but not felt the need to isolate themselves. How do you know the next person you meet isn't your soul mate? You've got to take that chance and if it goes well, great! If it doesn't, you've learnt something new that you can grow from. It isn't the end of the world and I'm sure you're much stronger than you think you are.

I entirely agree with Abbi333's last paragraph above. It is about positive thinking. If you think negative thoughts about yourself, you'll believe them, other people will believe them, you'll continue thinking them, and you'll be stuck in a vicious cycle.

Edit: grammar!

girlplurality...i said that hurt because it just seemed like you were defining me according to having had an ED and not personality characteristics specific to me, i'm not angry i was just taken aback.

fidget...i don't see why you're so negative. i didn't do or say anything combative or deny anything whatsoever. you have no idea just HOW MISERABLE i could truly be, honestly many people would have probably ended their misery already. my life is far more complicated than i reveal on these boards and it's precisely because people like you cannot relate and don't even try to. i don't see myself as a "negative person" at all, i help many people and i am really quite positive if you look at my posts and how much time i dedicate to helping other people. you make me sound ungrateful and self absorbed as if i want everyone to pour all of their time and attention into me...i don't and even if i did there isn't a single person in my life who would even put forth an iota of effort, so don't pretend to know what's going on in my life. i don't shun support or love, so any amount is better than none. it's not like i'm unhappy with the amount i'm getting, because it doesn't exist. i concluded that "maybe i'm unloveable" during my last post, i haven't been "adamant that i'm unloveable or unhelpable" as you suggest, prior posts have been about exercised and whatnot so please don't make sweeping generalizations.

i can't figure out what is wrong with me, with my approach, with my mentality that prevents me from forming long lasting relationships. i'm hoping that a new environment, or new people in my grad program will open the door to positive interactions that really go somewhere. i have tried and i will continue to do so, i am constantly talking to people but i feel like they are annoyed and some people just don't want to talk. maybe i come on too strong because i want relationships so badly and it turns people off and it's too much. i don't know. i've never been socially inept or had a problem with this before so i don't know how to fix it. i don't know where i'm going wrong because it seems that it should be so natural.

i am honestly not trying to be harsh, put offish, self centered, or ignore what people are saying. when you're posting on a forum all emotions are removed and you can't see an individual's intent. i am trying to get everyone to understand me better so that they can offer advice that is relevant and applicable, which sometimes seems that i'm shooting down people's comments, i'm not. i read each and every one of them and consider how they MIGHT apply, but when something is based on an assumption that isn't relevant i feel the need to point it out so that further suggestions can be more helpful so i'm sorry if it's pissing people off. 

"fidget...i don't see why you're so negative. i didn't do or say anything combative or deny anything whatsoever. you have no idea just HOW MISERABLE i could truly be, honestly many people would have probably ended their misery already. my life is far more complicated than i reveal on these boards and it's precisely because people like you cannot relate and don't even try to"

there you go again. do you see how subliminally manipulative you're being. How in Christs name can we contemplate your "misery" when you dont articulate it? are we mind readers? how can you be so black and white in your post.... "i am quite a positive person... versus "you have no idea how miserable i am "? do you have any idea of the mixed signals you send out?

and how do you know what point people break and commit suicide at... your doing a "nobody is as bad as i am" speech.

a week or so ago you were talking about being all recovered. you are not recovered - you are nowhere near it if you are so close to relapse so soon.

like re-read your posts. i had to do a DBT group last year. and there is a behaviour called misery behaviour. that is exactly what you are doing. playing the victim with "i dont want your care or help and nobody else would put an iota of effort into me".

look you need to get some serious sorting out done. i dunno you. you dunno me. just like i dont know your crap - you dunno mine. so you cant judge that i am being negative. you can only articulate that you dont like what i am saying.

i think you should stop trying to mould the perfect answer from someone on this board. its like watching someone being scratched by someone else. "oh not there, no not there either, no lower lower, left, left.... leave it... il do it myself".

what do you want? you came on about food and weight relapse issues and somehow we are now dissecting your intimate relationships with people. nobody here is qualified to help you or respond in what ever way you want...

i think i want to jump in.  there's a lot of anger bubbling here, which i think stems from people feeling both not heard and not understood.  there's a really important distinction to make between the INTENTIONS behind someone's behavior and the function those behaviors serve.  as a really generic example, an overly protective mother may fuss over what her child eats, what he wears, whom he hangs out with, etc.  the intention behind her behavior is to protect her child from harm.  the function, however, is to create distance between herself and her child because the child wants to avoid her overprotective behaviors.   

in these forums and in life we often confuse functions with intentions.  sometimes it helps to assume people's intentions are good and find ways to modify the functions. 

in that sense, i 100% trust that chrissy is not TRYING to seem slippery or helpless.  i 100% believe that it feels like no one is "getting" her struggle.  and that must be hard.  i also think that feeling like no one is getting her struggle is part of the problem. 

chrissy, if i can offer you some advice, it would be to see what happens when you let go of some control.  from what you've described, it sounds like you had some big disappointments when people have not been able to care about you in a way that feels genuine or reciprocal.  i think it could also be the case that the way you show care is not the same as how others show care.  and that when you work hard to give and give and give to others, part of that is about trying to control what they give you in return.  like "if i act in this way, i'll get this from others."  maybe it works like "if i give and give and give then maybe i'll be accepted and maybe i'll get some of what i need in return."  but the hardest part about relationships that we CAN'T control what the other person does.  we can't control what caring looks like for other people.  and maybe people need to given the time and space to show "caring" at their own speed and in their own way.  i think sometimes the fear of being not good enough or getting rejection causes us to approach situations with a lot of intensity.  and that intensity isn't about caring; it's about fear. and it can be hard for people to know what to do with that kind of energy EVEN WHEN THEY CARE. 

so i think your path to what you want may be in giving people space to show caring in the way they want to and know how, without trying to control how that happens.  it sounds like your very attempts to be close to be could be what keeps people at a distance.

and in the same sense, in the context of this forum, maybe letting go of control looks like LETTING people be "wrong" about you for the sake of connecting with people who are trying to help. 

Original Post by laura916:

i think i want to jump in.  there's a lot of anger bubbling here, which i think stems from people feeling both not heard and not understood.  there's a really important distinction to make between the INTENTIONS behind someone's behavior and the function those behaviors serve.  as a really generic example, an overly protective mother may fuss over what her child eats, what he wears, whom he hangs out with, etc.  the intention behind her behavior is to protect her child from harm.  the function, however, is to create distance between herself and her child because the child wants to avoid her overprotective behaviors.   

in these forums and in life we often confuse functions with intentions.  sometimes it helps to assume people's intentions are good and find ways to modify the functions. 

in that sense, i 100% trust that chrissy is not TRYING to seem slippery or helpless.  i 100% believe that it feels like no one is "getting" her struggle.  and that must be hard.  i also think that feeling like no one is getting her struggle is part of the problem. 

chrissy, if i can offer you some advice, it would be to see what happens when you let go of some control.  from what you've described, it sounds like you had some big disappointments when people have not been able to care about you in a way that feels genuine or reciprocal.  i think it could also be the case that the way you show care is not the same as how others show care.  and that when you work hard to give and give and give to others, part of that is about trying to control what they give you in return.  like "if i act in this way, i'll get this from others."  maybe it works like "if i give and give and give then maybe i'll be accepted and maybe i'll get some of what i need in return."  but the hardest part about relationships that we CAN'T control what the other person does.  we can't control what caring looks like for other people.  and maybe people need to given the time and space to show "caring" at their own speed and in their own way.  i think sometimes the fear of being not good enough or getting rejection causes us to approach situations with a lot of intensity.  and that intensity isn't about caring; it's about fear. and it can be hard for people to know what to do with that kind of energy EVEN WHEN THEY CARE. 

so i think your path to what you want may be in giving people space to show caring in the way they want to and know how, without trying to control how that happens.  it sounds like your very attempts to be close to be could be what keeps people at a distance.

and in the same sense, in the context of this forum, maybe letting go of control looks like LETTING people be "wrong" about you for the sake of connecting with people who are trying to help. 

thank you Laura...very insightful and valuable. i think this post is dead, i shouldn't have posted it. i appreciate your help. take care and good luck with achieving your goals :) if ever you want to vent, talk, etc. feel free to message me.