Does anyone here have Adult ADD (or know someone well who does)?

I think my boyfriend may be showing signs of ADD. He was diagnosed as a child and seems to think that he somehow "got over it". From everything I've been reading, this is not someone that a person can ever just "get over". I am looking for people who can describe what it's like for them, or for their friends or relatives or partners, with ADD. I hesitate to confront my boyfriend with this issue until I'm a little more certain that it may be the source of some of our problems.

Thanks!

I'm 29 and have ADHD.  What its like for me is a constant feeling of anxiety and edginess.  I feel like I have to speed through things, no matter how much time I have.  I assume that when people feel rushed to get something done (i.e. you have 20 minutes to complete 30 minutes wiorth of work) is similar to how I feel all the time.  ADHD manifests differently for everyone though.  I have the predominately hyperactive type with only minimal attention deficit symptoms.  You can be predominately noe or the other or both can affect a person equally. 

I am married and have never found that it has effected my relationship with my husband.  I don't feel it has effected my relationship with friends or family either.  The areas where it has the most impact is related to the occupational setting.

Thanks for your response. I think my boyfriend has more of the attention deficit than the hyperactivity. He starts many overlapping projects and leaves them a mess, gets anxious and frustrated and angry because he feels overwhelmed by all these things he can't seem to get done (when he remembers that he has to do them), has difficulty in planning for how long an activity should take, and yet often has a singular focus to the point of obsession on only one thing at a time. It affects our relationship incredibly, between me having to manage all of the tasks that are left undone, to his random outbursts of anger, to the part where his attention is almost never on me as someone he loves.

Have you ever asked your partner if he thinks if affects your marriage? Or do you just assume that things are normal?

What you described is pretty much how i feel all the time - overwhelmed, focusing on cettain things and ignoringothers, etc.  My husband & I talk alot about things in our marriage, especially recently, as I have been going to counseling to help me deal with my perfectionism and anxiet.   He doesn't feel our relationship has been effected at all by this and we both agree that without each other we both would be crazy LOL : )

I think you need to bring your concerns to his attention.  Does he know that you feel like you'r taking on a heavier load of the work than he is?  If you don't openly addressthis soon it could destroy your relationship.

I think he knows, but he doesn't know how to deal with it. I've certainly tried delicately discussing it with him. Sometimes he seems aware of it already. For example, he will suddenly exclaim how he just can't figure out how to clean off the coffee table because he's been leaving dishes and papers on it for a week, and then look at me for help. Which means I basically end up doing it myself. I don't know what else to do, because he can't seem to figure out how to manage his time or his anxiety about this sort of thing. I tried offering to schedule things between us, or set things up so that we have clearly defined responsibilities, but he seems to think that he is simultaneously good at time management and bad at getting himself together. I think the part that bothers me most is that dichotomy, like he thinks he's doing so well when he really isn't, or is in denial. And of course, his outbursts of disproportionate anger and frustration are worrisome. For example, last night he started yelling and shaking and swearing a bit because he forgot to take his multivitamin on whatever time he likes to take it. Sound like ADD?

I am not sure how to approach him on this. I am considering asking his mother about it first, to see what he experienced as a child with treatment and such.

I have never had any anger or outbursts of any kind because of ADHD.  It may ne how he deals with frustration though.  I don't know you or your boyfriend or the relationship you have with  him and his family, but I do know that my husband would be upset if i went behind his back and discussed these issues with his Mom before I talked to him about them.

Was he ever on meds for his anxiety/ADD?  It sounds like a little xanax or aderal would work work miracles for him.  I personally prefer not take medication because I have learned other ways to deal with my anxiety, but every so often (maybe once a month or every 6 weeks or so) when i feel like I'm going to snap and can't calm myself down I take a xanax and it helps alot.

Does he have trouble sleeping as well?  I have never slept well and usually average about 4  hours of sleep a night.  i'm up at least 3 times throughout the night and rarely feel like I've had a godd night's sleep.  The worse my sleep is, the more anxious and frustrated I feel and in turn I have a harder time sleeping.  Its a horrible cycle.  It may also be contributing toyour boyfriend's issues.

I suppose he might be angry. I think he might also be angry and insulted if I bring it up with him to his face. I'll have to figure it out.

He has HUGE trouble sleeping! He's always up doing work or homework or watching adult cartoons until 3 am, then getting up and living off caffeine and energy drinks for the rest of the day. Rinse, and repeat, every day. I find that I'm often lonely at night when I go to bed hours before he does, and I worry how it must affect his health.

ainedb, I am so with you! My BF most definitely has adult ADD (predominant inattentive subtype). He is a horrible procrastinator, cannot estimate how much time it will take to do something, and is incredibly disorganized. It definitely affects our relationship (we've been together almost 6 years). For one thing, the house is always a mess and it falls to me to clean it up. Even if he does attempt to clean, he is at a loss for what to do (e.g. I'll insist he clean up the kitchen, and he'll say "What do you want me to do?". I have to say "Do the dishes, wipe off the counters, take out the recycling..."! ). If it takes 5 minutes on a good day to get to his morning train (to get to work), he'll allow 4 minutes and 30 seconds. We've been in our house for almost a year and he still has boxes and boxes that are not unpacked. He actually just got told at his current job that they will not be renewing his contract for next year, because he has had a lot of time management issues at work that his boss has been pretty upset about (i.e. not getting work done in a timely manner). So, obviously this has a huge affect on us. He refuses to take any medication, even though I really, REALLY think he should.

But, I have come to accept that most of these things are not going to change. Well, actually he has come a long way since we first started dating, and is much better about many things. But, in the end, he is never going to be the organized, responsible type. I know that I won't change him, and I have found that his good outweighs the bad. And, we've had to compromise on some things (e.g. we get a housekeeper once a month- and HE has to pay for it). I have learned also to not get as upset with him about this kind of stuff, since I realize now that it truly is beyond his control. Lucky for me he is a sweet guy with a heart of gold- or I couldn't put up with all of this!

Hmmmm a housekeeper sounds like a lifesaver. How much does that sort of service cost? Do they really clean well, or do you have to run and clean up first and then they just dust and vacuum and stuff?

It's good to see that I'm not alone. And yes, my boyfriend really is the sweetest guy I know, when I can actually get him to pay attention to me (which is unfortunately much rarer than I would like). Does your boyfriend know he has ADD, or is this just a diagnosis you think he should have?

Well, I'm actually a neuropsychologist, so I diagnosis ADD in patients on a regular basis! Sometimes he'll admit it, sometimes he chalks it up to other things (anxiety). I think it is hard for him to admit he has a "problem" sometimes.

A housecleaner is NOT cheap ($90 to come once per month), but they do the deep cleaning. Of course, the day to day picking up falls to me, but at least I'm not doing everything.

I've also learned to not take on his issues as my own- for example, if he misses his train in the morning, I don't let it stress me out (even if he's grumpy). That is kind of hard to do, but I'm working on it.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, as well- this can be a really difficult situation. I'm kind of upset by our news that he won't have a job in a few months, for sure.

It's understandable to be upset about the job! But it's good to see that you are finding ways to work around some of the ADD behaviors. A good relationship is worth the struggle, up to a point, if you can find ways to make it work.

I have read that having low levels of the good colestoral (is that LDL?) can increase the chances of having memory problems.  This might be a symptom.

Just saying to check.

Thanks. His bloodwork was normal recently. Ah well, I guess it's just one more thing that makes a relationship interesting.

ainedb, I also at times experience the whole not-paying-attention to me thing with my BF. Sometimes he'll just get so caught up in some activity that it's all he wants to do for awhile. I'm understanding of this to a point (it's just his nature, after all), but if it starts bumming me out- I definitely tell him! And when I do tell him, it's like he completely didn't realize it, and then will make a real effort to spend time with me. It took me a long time to realize that he was just clueless in this regard (like, how could he not realize that he is completely ignoring me?!), but he really, truly just doesn't get it unless I spell it out for him. I used to think a partner should just "know" what you need, but I find that my BF and I get a long a LOT better when I just tell him!

I am trying to increase communication. I have a hard time instigating anything that might lead to conflict, and I know it's something I need to work on. It's hard because he obviously gets very upset and feels guilty and such when I tell him I'm unhappy about something, or he gets defensive. I've used all the "proper communication" techniques I've been able to find to make it seem less like I'm attacking or nagging him, but it can still be hard.

It's even worse when I make an effort to say something difficult but it doesn't lead to any changes.

I, on the other hand, have no problem being confrontational:) But I do find it works a lot better when I talk to him when I am NOT feeling so angry, upset, or whatever- I just come across as more reasonable. Also, I used to want to talk and talk about these issues (and get an apology!), now- I just briefly state my case, say that I expect it to change, then it's done. My BF responds MUCH better to that.

Does your BF deal with depression at all? Depression and anxiety disorders are really common in ADD, and make relationships all that much more difficult....

Both my husband and I have been diagnosed with ADHD, but I can still clean a house, hubby can't.  You can find tons of information on adult ADHD on the web.  You should also look at the problems that often show up with ADHD as jsd mentioned.  Another one you should watch for and matches a lot of the symptoms you mentioned is bipolar (used to be called manic-depressive) disorder.  It could be the problem, especially if this goes in cycles. 

Medication helps, but most studies have found that medication works better if it is accompanied with behavioral counseling.

yeah it never goes away. i have adhd.  a lot of smart people though have had adhd and i deal with my problems without medicine.  i dont believe in medicine and i think there are other ways for him to get through everyday.  maybe try talking to him about coming up with some techniques that may help. 

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my fiance has adult ADD which has only been complicated by is Aspergers Syndrom (EXTREMELY mild Autsim).  You never actually get over ADD, you can learn coaping skills but there is no "cure" for it.  I have Acquired ADD, the diagnosis is controversial but I know its true.  Acquired ADD means that an event in your life has triggered it, you showed no signs prior to this even but following you do.  I've only had it for almost 4 years now, I refused meds because I didn't want to feel I needed them (plus, I am herbal).  I learned many coaping skills, and to this day it can be a struggle, but with the skills someone can appear almost to not have it.  I have days where people can tell I have ADD but usually its so mild to everyone else that they don't know. 

I would personally approach the topic with him....Just bring it up gently, "Hey ____(name here), you remember when you told me you had ADD as a child, what was it? Do you remember? What helped you?  What did you hate about it?"  Ask the questions you think you need to know, if you can get him to open up about it without directly saying "YOU HAVE ADD AND I KNOW IT!"  then it will go much more smoothly.  I dated a guy with bipolar, he wouldn't admit it though, my father has had it and I recoginized it in him.  I went to him and accused him of it and things got UGLY ... fast.  After we broke up he went and got the diagnosis, and even came and appologized to me.


I don't know you personally or your bf but I do know that not communicating about this will really drive you apart.  Try to open up this topic, it should inhance the bond you already have with him.
-Laura

I have an ex-bf who had ADHD.  I am so glad that we are friends and no longer involved since his habits don't drive me nuts as a friend.

• He was always late (still is but it no longer bugs me because I'm not waiting around for him).   Anywhere from 10 minutes to actually standing me up.  He could not ever manage to call and let me know that he was going to be late, because he really always thought that he could manage to somehow make it in time or be just a little bit late and didn't want to admit that he was late or get me mad at him (never mind that I was more pissed because he just wouldn't call and let me know how he was impacting my schedule).  Friends and family lie to him about when any event starts by 1/2 an hour to 3 hours depending.
• He is always doing bits and pieces of projects for everyone, but not finishing them until he is nagged.  For instance, he kept offering to help me move some stuff but until I called and pin pointed a specific day and then called on the day to remind him and then at the time to remind him so that it would get done.  He's like this with everyone.
• Even when out to dinner with me he would take phone calls from friends and family, not emergency calls, just their reminders for whatever they wanted him to do for him.  I finally established that both of us would leave our cell phones in the car if we were going out to dinner.  That didn't mean that at other times he wasn't answering the phone, just not when we were eating out.
• He smoked pot as a method of self-medication.