Anyone else hesitant about gaining weight because they LIKE to eat alot?

Since I've been recovering from anorexia, I've gotten much more obssessed with food and eating---lately its it's basically become what I've made my days revolve around.  This summer I've gotten into a bad habit of filling my days with activity on one small meal, eating ALOT at night, and waking up the next day feeling bloated, gassy, and constipated.  The discomfort of this really takes away my appetite and so I just continue the cycle.

  Because of this, I lost some weight (and I was trying to gain in the first place) so now I really need to gain, but this spans off another pattern I haven't been able to break.  It goes like this: I'll gain some weight back, feel freer because I'm fighting ED; but then I'll get nervous because I get so used to eating so much, so I'll tell myself to cut back just a little bit, but it always results in just enough for weightloss and the process repeats.  I think I've gotten so obssessed with enjoying my food that I want to be in a perpetual state of gaining weight.  I suppose its because I know I'll feel less guilty if I can tell myself that I NEED to eat rather than simply WANT to.  This is strange for me because while I really do LIKE to eat, I can no longer fully enjoy it or feel comfortable with myself unless it seems absolutely necessary.  I think I get afraid of gaining enough to a healthy point because then if I actually do want something different or extra I'll feel greedy and anxious that I could start gaining more weight than I ever needed to. 

Can any of you relate to this?  Does anyone have any advice on ways that I can approach food better maybe..?  I'll appreciate what anyone has to say.

Wow. I feel the EXACT same way. Id really love to be in a perpetual weight gaining mode.... i LOVE food! And i always have loved eating. That's why i used to be chubby:)

I also have this habit of not eating much during the day, and eating a lot at night. I love being able to eat WHATEVER i want at night because i have so many calories to eat... its sorta fun! but i know its such a bad habit. I typically eat 7-800 during the day, and 22-2300 for dinner and snacks at night! I know... its terrible.

I want advice on this too! Anyone?

im also recovering and feel the exact same way. Its just that this type of mindset is why so many people recovering from an ED end up getting mixed up with binge eating. But now that im trying to figure out my maintenance level, at about 1700-1800, i find it satisfying. I guess its because ur body is not in desperate need of nutrients and vitamins and ur metabolism is starting to stabilize.

can totally relate to this. i know how hard it is, its like you still so scared of food , but want it so bad, and almost feel you cant resist it anymore and feel bad about . its a horrible feeling but common in eating disorder recovery . try not to feel bad about wanting or eating food, easyier said and done i know  . my only advice would be to keep battling eating regular meals and snacks , try not to resist hunger and denying yourself your body is asking for what it needs. try not to worry about this in time as you gain health it will get easier , your way of thinking will become alot clearer and healthy , you wont keep gaining just trust your body h x

Heh, I'm not surprised that there are others dealing with this, but its reassuring to get such quick and sincere responses.  Its hard for me, my friends and my family to make sense out the things I do these days, and so I guess I just like hearing that there are people like you who understand  from a first hand experience.

I wish I could just learn to feel comfortable with myself----to actually just trust myself.  Its so conflicting and frustrating for me though (and most of you can probably relate to this too) because while I am truly getting sick of the repetative ED patterns and its hold on my days, I don't know what else to do, and when I do try and make changes my anxitey increases so I simply end up doing what "comforts" me----and obviously I stay stuck. 

I don't know what to do.  This is kind of off topic from my original question, but I'm wondering if anyone's recovery went smoother for them after they left the place where they began their ED behaviors.  I'm just curious because I've often felt that leaving my home town and being in a different environment could help me.  Any thoughts?

I totally thought I was the only person to do this. I'm so set on my rules about when/ what to eat and I save the majority of my calories for after dinner so that I don't risk being hungry and not having enough calories. In reality I could stand to gain, so it really wouldn't matter if I ate "too much".  Then I have to eat a ton to get my calories in and wake up feeling crummy. And the cycle continues.

I honestly think that the only way to break the cycle is to force myself to eat more during the day. I am slowly managing to do so and setting small goals on a daily basis. Working with my psychiatrist has really helped, too. Does anyone have any more tips?

Something that helps me a lot is trying to approach recovery as if i DIDNT have such a compulsive eating problem.

I think about gaining weight like, say, one of my friends would. Most people dont count calories or watch their nutrition like a hawk... To them, gaining weight is simply eating a lot more, and making sure to eat plenty of protein. Gaining weight shouldn't be scary or nerve-racking. It shouldn't cause so much anxiety because it really ISNT a big deal. In the big picture of my life... if i gain 10, even 20 pounds, it just wont make a difference.

Just try focusing on getting healthy and strong. The faster you gain weight, the sooner you can put all this behind you and get on with life. The more you eat, the better. You dont have to have exactly the right amount of calories every day... every body is different!

I literally say out loud "I have better things to do with my life than worry about calories. I'm going to eat this damn *peanut butter, for ex.*, and go study my *flying book/practice piano etc.*"

ANYWAYS, It may help for you to get away from your home town... who knows. But try not making gaining weight so somplicated. Believe me, I know it's hard. But I tried taking a much simpler approach and it's helped me a lot.

so, when youre underweight, not only is your body malnourished, but so is your mind.  your entire body is craving food, mind included, and u therefore spend ur time thinking about food bc u r so hungry.

once u reach a healthier weight, ur body is not as starving, ur breain starts to operate correctly, and u dont spend all ur time thinking about food.  ur brain is now able to think about what is important, whatever is going on in ur life and what u should be thinking about.

when u reach a healthier weight, u wont be as starving, u wont think about food 24/7, things will be better.

Those are great suggestions. I tend to fixate on the fact that I am not at a horribly low weight, but I really think the key is to think about it in terms of what my body is telling me rather than on numbers. I don't really weigh myself very often, but the last time (6 weeks ago) I was 135 (and I am 6' tall). It might sound silly, but I'm afraid to weigh myself because I think I have gained and I don't want to know the number. I've been eating around 1800 calories most days, up to 2100 (very seldomly- I feel guilty if I eat more than 2000).

im worried about this too. i like food so much but im so scared of it. even though im eating more im afraid that i will keep eating and eating and will never be able to stop. I just have to keep pushing myself which sucks but i need to get better.

HI

I have lots of experience with all of this as i was severely anorexic...then semi recovered...then kept myself at a very underweight but functioning level for a very long time.  The consequence is that i now have osteoporosis. So now im determined to beat this.  One thing i will say is that it helps to divide your calories...say your aim is 2500..just divide those cals up for 5 healthy meals...(3 meals -2 snacks is what i aim for)  Also look at your whole life picture...this really isn't about food...we all know that right?  At some level our lives are not working for us....we aren't engaged in work we like or in relationships that fulfill us etc etc.  Thus we become preoccupied with food.  I'd say take a look at the rest of your life and try to make sure all pieces of the pie nourish and sustain you. 

This used to bother me, but then I realized that once I'm back at a healthy weight I'll still be able to eat what I want, as long as I do a bit of exercise now and then.  For example, last year during summer break I pretty much just played video games and ate cookies/chips all day because all my friends were gone places, and I was no where near fat -- 5'0 and 100lbs. And, even if I do put on a bit of weight by eating what I want, then so be it; I'd rather just eat what I please and be a bit heavier than have to always be worrying about how many calories are in this, how much fat in that, ect.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll return to bingeing. It was a big part of my life for such a long time and when I gained back weight to get pregnant with my 2nd child a lot of those urges and feelings came back to me. I have been eating a lot more than I was pretty consistently and it is helping with my hormone levels and with my recovery from running (breakfast really is so important!) but piling it on (the food) and cutting out my training are just not options. Actually, my husband and I watched a show last night that dealt with some of these issues and I found it to be very emotionally engaging and trying for me to see people binge and deal with the self loathing. It reminded me that I really just can't let myself return to that.

OMG KATE

its like you just typed out my thoughts exactly. Ive been trying to recover for 10 months now, yo-yoing and feeling the EXACT same way! I thought I was such a freaky "anorexic" for saving all my calories so that I could eat at night, feeling like food was only ok when i "needed" to be gaining. I'm still struggling, I can never seem to hold on to more than 2 pounds without freaking out and losing it again. I'm going to a new recovery program this week that maybe will help. Has anyone else become way more addicted to sweets since they began recovering? I never had a sweet tooth until my ED...

help

This article may help.  It proves that once you're recovered you can still eat what you want.  It definately helped me: http://www.bulimia.com/client/client_pages/nl _edt_3_4.cfm

that article is great!

I am severely underweight and have been eating about a 300 cal breakfast and big dinner-then too full and bloated. I have been doing this for months and I am having my husband prepare my 3 meals and snacks-he places them in separate containers and labels.I just started this-I am nervous but I want curves again and too stop aching and being dizzy and weak.

ohhhhhhhh wow-this just goes to show how silly we are for thinking we are "freaks" or all alone! I HAVE DONE EXACTLY THIS!!! I felt soooo guilty for it, but couldnt stop-i felt like i was so abnormal, but sucha bad anorexic too. I HATED food, becuase in my mind-it made me fat, but I still loooooved it so much. I WANTED to stay in a continual process of gaining!! It felt like an excuse. I could justify eating when I knew I needed to gain. I COULD eat 1500 cals in one sitting, becuase I needed to gain, I COULD have that piece of pie or pudding. I feel like, once I gain the weight, I wont be able to eat the things I like, or eat very much at all. I am afraid that I wont be able to "have fun", eating, like I can now. I hate that I will have to eat because I want-without the excuse of needing it to gain..................

     Back when I began recovery the first time, the only time I would really eat was at night, because I could go to my room and hide away, I was so ashamed of eating. This caried on. Even when I was earting throughout the day, I would need to SAVE most of my cals for the nightime. In case I got hungry, I didnt want to feel like I was getting cut short of calories. Another reason, was because I hate the feeling of feeling full. After eating, I feel bloated and gross, and I feared having to go throughout the day preoccupied by how I was a whale. If I ate at night, I might feel bloated, but at least I could just go to bed and not eal with it.

     I have been breaking this horrible cycle (with great help from my mum-she forced it at first) by follwing a meal plkan throughout the day. I still have quite a bit at night, but it is much more even than it was, and more than I really am comfortable with. I have about 2k throughout the day and about 1k in the evening. i also have placed a time limit on my eating-i have to have gotten my eve. snack ready to go by 9:30 pm.

     its nice to know i am not alone, but i am sorry to hear so many deal with the same terrible cycle. i wish you all the best.

Woah... I am exactly the same. In fact, this was the reason for my mini relapse: when at a healthy weight I thought I didn't 'need' to eat any more. I dropped a bit of weight, and then kept on going because I didn't see the point in only gaining a little bit back. How I wish I had maintained now!

Am very hesistant about gaining (again) because of how much I eat, and how much junk I eat. But I know it's just the ED voice.

I reached a healthy weight and my appetite disappeared. I'm still eating but its hard. I  used to be all about the non-stop eating and lately I  have nothing. Thankfully I had some delicious sushi from Whole Foods to help.... but I'd rather be ravenous.

Original Post by bsh0611:

I reached a healthy weight and my appetite disappeared. I'm still eating but its hard. I  used to be all about the non-stop eating and lately I  have nothing. Thankfully I had some delicious sushi from Whole Foods to help.... but I'd rather be ravenous.

what is your current weight? for some reason i thought you were still gaining.