Anyone else hesitant about gaining weight because they LIKE to eat alot?

Since I've been recovering from anorexia, I've gotten much more obssessed with food and eating---lately its it's basically become what I've made my days revolve around.  This summer I've gotten into a bad habit of filling my days with activity on one small meal, eating ALOT at night, and waking up the next day feeling bloated, gassy, and constipated.  The discomfort of this really takes away my appetite and so I just continue the cycle.

  Because of this, I lost some weight (and I was trying to gain in the first place) so now I really need to gain, but this spans off another pattern I haven't been able to break.  It goes like this: I'll gain some weight back, feel freer because I'm fighting ED; but then I'll get nervous because I get so used to eating so much, so I'll tell myself to cut back just a little bit, but it always results in just enough for weightloss and the process repeats.  I think I've gotten so obssessed with enjoying my food that I want to be in a perpetual state of gaining weight.  I suppose its because I know I'll feel less guilty if I can tell myself that I NEED to eat rather than simply WANT to.  This is strange for me because while I really do LIKE to eat, I can no longer fully enjoy it or feel comfortable with myself unless it seems absolutely necessary.  I think I get afraid of gaining enough to a healthy point because then if I actually do want something different or extra I'll feel greedy and anxious that I could start gaining more weight than I ever needed to. 

Can any of you relate to this?  Does anyone have any advice on ways that I can approach food better maybe..?  I'll appreciate what anyone has to say.

I, too, went through the same thing as you. I used to save like all my calories for the night, and i felt so gross the next day. but i would still continue in this pattern. Until, finally, about a year ago, i said enough was enough. i spaced out my meals so that i could have a snack that i enjoy at night, like right before i went to sleep. so,= in that way, i dont feel like im going to starve or  i can't because i dont have calories left. because i allow myself a snack very close to bed, i dont feel deprived. I try to space out my calories about every 3 hours, so my last snack is usually right before bed, or around there. 

i guess for me, knowing that i can still have a snack later on is comforting, so i always lave myself room for it.

does that help at all?