Anyone experience a double standard?

I feel like there's a double standard between men & women in society today.  And maybe it's just in the United States, but I'm not sure, so I'd like you guys to weigh in.  (Get it? Weigh in? haha!)

My problem is this: my boyfriend sees nothing wrong in having a bit of a pot belly.  Just enough that he's on the border of being overweight, but not quite enough to push him over the edge.  He thinks, as a man, that this is "sexy" and "good" and sees no reason to change.  I, on the other hand, gained 5 lbs and he wouldn't let it go (If you're curious I'm in the "underweight" category - CC suggests I should gain about 25 lbs).  Not just him, but other men I know have also made comments about leaving their significant other if they gain too much weight.

I've never been terribly concerned about weight, but it irritates the snot out of me when I run into this kind of attitude.  Sure, I think a pot belly is unattractive, but I'm not about to run out on my man because of it - why is it considered ok for a man to ditch a woman for weight but not the other way around??  It's hypocrisy and it annoys me.

Original Post by soaraway:

why is it considered ok for a man to ditch a woman for weight but not the other way around??  It's hypocrisy and it annoys me.

I agree it's hypocrisy, but knowing a few men who claim they would leave their SO because of weight gain does not mean it's necessarily "okay" with society in general.  I'd also wager that there are some women willing to leave men over their weight as well.

Is your boyfriend actually serious or just kidding?  In either case, it would be a good idea to talk with him about how you feel when he says stuff like that, especially if you're underweight to begin with.

I've thought about that same question before. I've definitely heard my guy friends complain about how their girl is gaining weight, and they're worried they'll lose attraction if it continues. I understand that worry, but yeah, there's a double standard.

I've been so lucky with my bf. He's stayed with me without hesitation through terrible weight fluctuations...140 to 110 to 160 to my present 140 (i'm 5'7"). He's a consistently small dude, never above 140 or maybe even 135, and the same height as me. It's definitely important to find someone who doesn't care about your weight, just your health.

Here are my two pennies of thought

I believe them to be insure, swallow, and inmature and not really committed to having a serious relationship.  These men seem to be more focused on the out side appearence.  What will happen in time when looks fade; will they trade you in for a younger girlfriend.   What about the future -  is he going to leave you when you gain baby weight.   What if there's an accident or illness, where you don't lose or gain any weight, but are disfigured in some way - is the commitment over? Things happen in life - the good, the bad and the ugly.  We need men with the backbone to stay not run away and if 5 lbs freaks them out, then they're not worth the time.

Original Post by gg9720:

Here are my two pennies of thought

I believe them to be insure, swallow, and inmature and not really committed to having a serious relationship.  These men seem to be more focused on the out side appearence.  What will happen in time when looks fade; will they trade you in for a younger girlfriend.   What about the future -  is he going to leave you when you gain baby weight.   What if there's an accident or illness, where you don't lose or gain any weight, but are disfigured in some way - is the commitment over? Things happen in life - the good, the bad and the ugly.  We need men with the backbone to stay not run away and if 5 lbs freaks them out, then they're not worth the time.

^^This is sooo true...

Men sometimes have better self esteem than women.  The accept themselves the way they are and think that anyone criticizing them is wrong.  We should all take a page from their book.

If I were you, I'd lose my temper and dump him, but you'll have to decide that for yourself.  For the future, remember that he will be old, out of shape and at risk of a heart attack when you are still slim and healthy.  Don't undereat for him because he's not worth it.

I can't honestly believe ANYONE in a committed relationship would dump someone else for gaining weight.Thats so absurdly shallow that it manages to lower my already abyssal perceptions of the human race.

Men are visually stimulated.  Appearances are more important to them.  I guess it's a double standard, but I don't see it being very productive to get upset about basic biology.

If you are already underweight, and your boyfriend has a problem with you gaining, the double standard is not your problem. 

While men are definitely visually stimulated, probably more than women, weight changes should not really affect anyone in a strong committed relationship. My wife and I are coming up on 40 years and our weight fluctations never affected how we stimulated each other, although we always encourage the other party to lose weight for health reasons, not just for loooks. She lose 50 lbs and has kept it off for 10 years, I've lost 57, then gained 7 back and still want to lose another 15, but will not kill myself trying so long as I know I am eating and living healthy. That is what is really important.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My "friend" is self consious about his pot belly but expects boobs to be perky, no cellulite, no stretchmarks, and to be tight and firm and curvatious at the same time.

His cousin's girlfriend just had a baby about 6 months ago, and about 3 months back he said "His girlfriend's still not lost the fat, she's had this baby for like 3 months!!"

I was like "..............." absolutely speechless.

I think there is more pressure from society to be thin and it is more acceptable for men to be heavier.

I always say to myself:
Real men want real women

If my BF had a problem with my extra 5lb then he should leave now because I have more to offer than a number on a scale.

A double standard? Ha ha. Welcome to "life".

Blegh.  There are societal double standards in everything: it's okay for women to slap men but not okay for men to slap women; people with darker skin can say "the n word" but those with lighter skin can't; it's okay for men to gain weight but not women...  It's all pretty damn ridiculous.  I can only hope that one day we'll come to understand people are people, not a race, sex, or social class.

More locally speaking, your boyfriend is childish, and if your body has that much of an effect on the relationship, it's not an emotional relationship in the first place.  From what I've seen, most men usually grow out of this "playboy phase", and start looking at women for the whole package between ages 25 and 35.  That doesn't mean you should stick around to see if it'll pass, though.  Just be with someone who makes you happy, not who might make you happy sometime in the future.  If you're looking for a real connection, don't look for someone who's only in it for the sexual appeal.

:)

If you are underweight already, gaining 5 lbs can have a significant change to your appearance, and how your clothes fit. If that 5 lbs is in muscle, great, if it's all in fat, not so great.

If he's seriously going to leave you over 5 lbs, dump him, he's an ****. Or, give him an ultimatum; lose the belly, or find another girlfriend. If your physical appearance is so important to him that 5 lbs is a deal breaker, get rid of him, now.

Completely agree!!

When I read this forum it makes me feel like I got one good guys out there. I don't think my boyfriend ever had much of a "playboy" phase. I was very tiny when we first met in fact too tiny by his standards but he like me for who I was from 100 pounds to 130 pounds we've been happy together. Hes acually told me recently (as I have had a relapse in my eating disorder) that I am beautiful to him at whatever weight be it 130 or 100 or even at my lowest weight at 88 (which he has never seen me at) but that he would rather see me as I was at 130 because I was healthy and more alive. At my current weight I am 107 and he treats me like a princess no matter how much I weight. He is even encourging me to gain weight. 

Here is the real kicker..... Hes this mature and loving and hes only 19 years old.

Many might say that relationships between people this young (16 & 19) wont last but I really believe that I have found someone that really loves and cares about me.

And any boy who thinks an extra 5 pounds in unacceptable is not worth ANY of your time.

I just want to clarify that although I'm underweight I don't have, nor have I ever had, any sort of ED.  And although I don't think my boyfriend would seriously leave me (although I do know men - even in their 40s - who would leave their significant other over gaining some weight), it's the attitude in general that bothers me.  Why is it that men are frequently overweight and consider this acceptable and "sexy" when a woman who's not even at a normal healthy weight could be considered as weighing too much?  Why is it acceptable for a man to say a woman is unattractive because she gained some weight, but it's less acceptable for a woman to tell a man his beer belly's 9-month-pregnant appearance isn't so appealing?  Or similarly - why is it that a man with his beer belly is acceptable but a woman with the same belly is considered gross?

I don't know who is going around saying that is acceptable... no one that I know.  Beer bellies on guys is just as unappealing and unhealthy as it is on women.

There are so many double standards when it comes to things that are acceptable for a man and not for a woman.  If a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's considered awesome, he brags to his friends, etc.  If a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's considered a slut.  It's ok for men to spit in public, but when I have a cold and I have to cough up something gross and have no napkin to spit it into and I spit it in public, I get the dirty look!  That happened recently, so it was on my mind. :)

This is just another one of the many double standards that are out there.

Original Post by adolphs:

I don't know who is going around saying that is acceptable... no one that I know.  Beer bellies on guys is just as unappealing and unhealthy as it is on women.

seriously.   My boyfriend right now is just as into working out and eating right as I am (okay well he doesn't know how to eat right but I can't keep to a workout schedule, so we match up perfectly lol!) and that's how I like it.

I wouldn't go out of my way date someone who was super in shape, so I guess I'd never have the situation come up where my SO would get out of shape... but I will say that an ex of mine put on about  30 lbs (he's not too tall either) after we broke up and went from cute to BLEH.  Like, the weight and his general hygeine combine for total turnoff.  I wouldn't even think of dating him now if I were looking at it from a physical standpoint.  (We broke up because he's a whiner though.)

If my bf tells me that,I do not think I will leave him for it...although I will feel broken-hearted for a few days..will get over it after a few..Also,will get back in shape..even a better shape than before the gain-weight just to tease the hell out of him..

But like..seriously..what a jerky thing of him to say!

Again,I won't say anything much cause I just might happen to be as superficial as he is...if not worse.

But a guy told me once...if a guy dumps a girl,it is because he could find another girl that is prettier...but the same guy is always complaining that girls are so shallow..yeah,well he says if a girl dumps a guy it is because she could find a guy that is richer..

Although that has a tiny little truth to it,WTF?!?! That is retarded!