Anyone with an overweight child?

I am so glad I stumbled onto this new forum.  Here is my deal, it may be a bit winded, but I feel I have to tell the whole story.

I have a 12 year old son, who has always been a little chunky.  He decided that he wanted to go and live with his father in another state, and because I love him, I put his happiness first and let him go.  I cried a river of tears because I had just had a baby and felt like I was trading one child for another.  Let me preface all this by saying that I am overweight, but never had a problem until I hit 30.  Well, he has gone from chubby to downright obese.  Everyone tries to hide their shock when they see him, as we only get to see him every few months.  It is starting to affect him at school, you can imagine, the name calling, the taunts, etc.  He is such a beautiful child and I fear greatly for his future.  On this course, I can see him being a 300 pound teenager!  He is about 5'2 and I would guess somewhere in the range of 180-200. 

I am an educated girl, and I know about the health related pitfalls that accompany obesity.  Every time I try to broach the subject with his father, he gets defensive and ugly and it is not worth the fight.  We are on a diet here at home, so when he comes to visit for Spring Break, we will eat healthy.  Supposedly his father put him on a diet, but did so in the most negative way.  It has to be my son's decision to lose weight, for himself.

I would also like to hear from anyone that might of been overweight as a child.  Did you discover the opposite sex and outgrow it?  Did you hit a growth spurt?  I am at a loss at what to do, I feel so powerless.  I hurt for him so much.  He is a smart boy in honors classes with a wonderful personality, and I hate for him to hurt.

I look forward to your responses.

 

You might find some insight in this past thread which I tagged.  It was written by two caring CC moms.

Weight Mangement for Kids

I'm sure you'll get lots of feedback from other parents too.

I was a fairly overweight child. At 17 and 5' 5" I had a shock when I was weighed at a doctor's appt and found I was 190 lbs. I am shy and introverted by nature and I think my reluctance to connect with people was compounded by my appearance and body image.  I didn't date until I was 18 and my choice in boyfriend reflected how I thought of myself, meaning that I chose a person that was very bad for me and I allowed him to treat me horribly. My turning point came when that relationship ended. Free from his shackles and longing to be finally free of my own I developed an interest in nutrition and health sciences. So, at 20 I finally found myself at a healthy weight of 130lbs and finally breaking free of my shell and self imposed loneliness.

I'm a mother now as well and I'm very much concerned for my daughter's health, both physical and emotional. I had a terrible and lonely childhood. I know that our family legacy is very round apple shaped women. So, I am doing the best I can by her to stop the cycle before it starts. I think it is a slippery slope, though. Teaching them to be healthy without overstressing it and teaching them to be obsessive and/or shallow.

I'm sorry to hear that your ex is presenting problems. Men seem to have totally different views on weight and health sometimes, especially in their sons.  Good luck to you and your son.  

Thanks for the info Claire, and thanks for your story Eternally.  My ex has the theory that "he is just a boy, he will grow out it", and I think he really is being totally ignorant by not helping him put on the brakes in a healthy way.  My son is OBSESSED with food, and has been for some time.  When he is here, he wants to know what is for dinner in the morning.  Sometimes it is hard for me to understand, because I don't understand why he thinks this way.  He snacks late at night too.  He worries that he will not get a big enough steak or piece of chicken.  I worry that the damage is already done, because even when his Dad lived in the same town and would take him, he would make sure and baby my son by getting him whatever he wanted (usually fast food) to make him happy.  How can I break these habits from a state away? 

I had to even admit it, but he is the epitome of what everyone thinks about fat people.  He really is.

You are wrong, it is worth the fight. Get him back and help him to heal. If you had concerns about your husband's parenting skills, allowing your son to live with him might have been a mistake. A child can't really be expected to know what's good for them.

That is the delima I face.  I am oh, so sorry that I let him go.  If I try to get him back, my son will hate me for it.  He is so happy there in all other ways.  He is surrounded by family and friends.  I let him go because that is what he wanted, and I want him to be happy.  I would make things so much worse if I forced him to come home.  It truly is a bad place to be.  If I could go back in time, the things I would do different.

Yes, I have an overweight child! However I think I'm in my last trimester and I'm a man.

What you are doing is being done out of love and concern for his health. He will hate himself, eventually, if he doesn't already..I would rather he hated me than himself, and I truly mean that.

On a serious note, fight! The eating habits your child has will stay with them for life. I am still trying to fix my habits. Instant gratification is not the answer to lifelong happiness.

I know you two are right on some level, but this situation is a little different.  When he was here, he was so disruptive.  He is an unhappy child regardless of his weight.  He made our home life so difficult, he really, really did.  His sister does not deserve that.  It is hard to explain without writing a book, but I cannot do that to the rest of my family.  If he was a sweet, loving child with just that one issue, it would be different.  Trust me on this, my hands are tied.

Advice, eat healthy. If you don't buy the junk he wants, how will he get it? Make low calorie meals when you have control over meals. Also, I checked out your profile. Your son is not that big. He will lose a lot of that weight as he gets older. I have 18 cousins and most of them were about his size and they all slimmed as they got older.

HE WILL WANT TO CHANGE. When he gets a little older and girls become very important he will want to change. You should have the tools already in place.

Also, suggest sports to him or outdoor activities. Paintball is usually a big hit at that age.

That is my main hope, that he will grow out if, discover girls, and do the right thing.  I know plenty of people that have, then again, I know plenty of people that have not.

He dropped out of baseball and I wanted to cry.  I know it is because he was ashamed of the way he looked in the uniform, plus, even though he was the pinch hitter, he was slower than the skinny kids.  He does love paintball though.  I would like him to get involved in football too.

He knows we are on a diet and exercising, so he will know what to expect when he comes to visit.  The good news is he told me that he has lost 4 pounds, and when I asked what he was having for dinner, he said "Miso soup" so maybe my ex is on the right track.

Disruptive, difficult, unhappy = fixable

Hoping he will grow out of it= not fixable.

If you are truly concerned about whether or not he will hate you, try imagining how he will feel about you when he is 400 pounds at 18, and blaming you for not keeping him? Blaming you for sending him off to his father? Cause he won't remember that it was his idea, I promise.

Neither he, nor his sister chose their parents. IMO they both deserve a shot at happiness.

Well, I'm definately not a parent (I'm 19, haha), but when I was about 15-16, I weighed somewhere around 180+... And I'm 5'4", so that was not healthy.

Anyway, I maybe knew I was "fat", but I didn't really know how bad it was, and was NOT going to admit to being above a healthy weight.  One day, my mom just took me to the doctor, to "talk"... My dad has diabetes, so it was supposed to be just a "careful, don't develop it" sort of thing, or so I thought, but it turned out that hearing my doctor say "I am concerned about your weight, and you are not healthy" really made me wake up.  After that, I still didn't focus on losing weight, but, with the help of my mom, I began to try to "be healthier."  I started by taking walks with my mom, building up how long the walks would be.  I jump-roped in the garage.  It was only a result of "being healthier" that I started to lose weight, and it was so strange to suddenly see myself getting smaller.  Anyway, like I said, the focus, for me, was not to lose weight.  But after a while, I began to look forward to my daily walks, etc, because it just felt good to be healthier.  Maybe something like that would help; instead of "you need to lose weight because you are overweight, here go on a diet now and start exercising," the simple subtlety of making it "let's just get healthy, overall" really made it better.

Also:  Even after losing about 60 lbs, I HATED encountering social situations in which someone would see me for the first time in a long time, and comment about how wonderful I looked, and it's so great that I lost weight, etc.  It was EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  I have only recently really come to terms with the fact that I used to be overweight like that, and even though I know people were just being nice, I started to dread seeing people who hadn't seen me in awhile.  If your son is self-conscious in the same way, just be careful of that.  It was sort of an unspoken understanding in my family that, yes I was losing weight, but it was not to be spoken of.

Wow, that was long.  Anyway, just giving my perspective from the kid, who has no being-the-parent experience.  Of course, I also developed an eating disorder in the whole process, so be aware of that, too.  Like I said, I'm 19 now, still 5'4", and I got down to about 104lbs at one point.  I'm up to around 110 now, but still have issues I'm working on.  Not to scare you that the same will happen with your son, just keep an eye out.

Good luck! :)

I don't know if you will see this since it's the next day but I am more concerned about why your son gained weight. Is he using food to "self medicate" his feelings. This is what I did for years. I lived in a house with parents that fought constantly and I prayed they would divorce but they never did. The verbal abuse between them was out of control and I couldn't escape any other way so I comforted myself with food. I was over weight until I discovered boys and then I crash dieted until they started to notice me. Then I used boys and sex to comfort myself. It has taken many years of self help books and weight loss programs to figure this all out. Now at 49 I'm trying to lose weight hopefully for good. If you do nothing else for your son talk to him and encourage him to let you and his dad no his true feelings. Let him know that you both love him and he has nothing to do with what you fight about, and give him other things to do for stress relief than to eat. I believe that obesity and anorexia are opposite ends of the same distorted self image and lothing and maybe a counselor rather than a diet might help. Talk about being healthy not losing weight and stress exericise more than food. God Bless you and your son and Good luck.

Thanks to all for your perspectives and helpful advise.  Everyone has given me some things to think about.  Anyone else out there with a story, I will listen.

 

I have two distinct experiences with preadolescent obesity. The first experience involved me as an very over-weight 12 year old. I had a tumultuous childhood. Mine stemmed from a tyrannical father and frequent physical abuse. I turned to food as a way to give me comfort, sometimes drinking an entire gallon of milk in a 24 hour period. To compound this eating dysfunction, my mother always pushed us to clean our plates. She grew up in WWII Germany and basically experienced starvation from 1939-47. To overcome the obesity, my mom limited me to one helping at mealtime and cut my milk habit down to two glasses per day. I have never been very athletic but I got into bicycle riding. At least it was something. Once I reached 14, I was almost normal height and weight (I grew 4 inches between 12 and 13). Perhaps you could convince his father to measure and limit his portions. Most fathers have a tendency to push the big meals so they can have big strong sons but if left unchecked he may end up like my brother, 505 lbs and miserable. BTW, I restarted my bad habit after quitting cigarettes and shot up 426 lbs myself. I am now steadily losing wt. 

Secondly, as a foster family, we have dealt with many boys in similar circumstances. While their cases may have been more severe, many were morbidly obese and out of control. At the risk of making your son unhappy, his father needs to step up now and redirect your son’s behaviors before it is engrained into to his mind that he can reduce emotional pain with food consumption. One effective way to promote weight reduction with the boys in our home was to replace the usual snacks with their 100 calorie versions. As you know, there are dozens of food products out there with low calorie alternatives. Try and convince his father to limit mealtime portions to one and take a hard-line on that. On that one portion, he needs to make it reasonable. Our boys always want the double-patty burger and super-sized fries but we refuse to give in. Just say no to the shakes. As others in this thread were saying, one can’t rely on genetics to overcome the obesity. Finally, his father needs to be very involved in your son’s life right now; especially demonstrating healthy levels of activity and healthy eating habits. Our one son came in to our home at 205 lbs at age 13. He is now at 146 as a fifteen year old so I have seen the little changes work. Your son’s father is ultimately responsible for the outcome in his son’s situation. I hope he comes to realize how important it is to bring about changes in his son’s life. He can’t rely on schools and peers to train up his son. You should be commended for doing what you have done. Don’t lose hope in the situation.  

 

Sorry, got little wordy here.

Wow, Andrew, it seems to me, that you should be the one who is to be commended.  I admire your dedication.  I also appreciate your kind words.  I am doing the best that I can with what I have to deal with.  I will take everything you have said under consideration.  Thanks!

I was sent to live with my grandparents at the age of 9, because my mother was diagnoses as bipolar, and she was verbally and physically abusive towards during this struggle with her bipolar.  I lived with my grand parents from 9 to 16 years of age.  I started to gain weight when I was around 10, and at the age of 16 I was 5”4’ and 220lbs.  My grandparents are wonderful people, but they never set eating standards, and when they did, they still let me eat whatever I wanted.  I’m sure they loved me, and felt sorry for me.  When I was 20, something in me snapped, and for the next 2 years I lost a great deal of weight and ended up at 130lbs.  I am a success story. 

However, my husband grew up in a house hold were health was not a focus.  When he hit 2nd grade, his started gaining weight.  When he was 16, he was 250lbs.  He was very introverted, and his weight just ballooned!  Before he knew it, he was 400lbs at 23.  Luckily, he had bariatric surgery and is now a healthy weight.  He really really had a hard time, because no one stepped in and monitored his health!

I have to be honest here.  While I and others on this site have had success stories, many many more children will not and do not.  It is so important to teach children how to eat when they are still children.  I know you say that the situation is complicated, and you would have a very difficult time with him coming back.  He is a teen, and he is already 200lbs.  Could he grow out of it?  Sure.  However, the odds are against him.  While he is still a teenager, as a mother you help set the health standards for your child.   It sounds like you know and well understand the seriousness of the situation.  From what you have posted, his father does not place importance on what his son eats, and how much.  My advise would be to bring him home for a year and place emphasis on him health.  He may be miserable.  You may be miserable.  Everyone may be miserable!!!  But, if you are as concerned as you sound, this would be the best way to ensure that he will have a healthy and happy life!! 

 I have no doubt he is a wonderful child, and you sound like an equally wonderful and caring mother.  I can only say that both my husband and I really wish someone would have stepped in to help guide us.  We would have put up a fight, but it would have saved us so much pain and trouble!  Good luck!

I just wanted to throw a book recommendation out to you.  You may want to read it and send it on to your ex so he can read it to.  It's called Disease Proof Your Child by Dr. Fuhrman.  There's a video too that you and/or your ex can watch with your son so he can better understand how he should eat and why he shouldn't eat like he does.

I hope that helps.

Like your son, I was somewhat overweight from the start.  I learned at a young age that weight gave me the perfect scapegoat-- something to hide behind and blame all of my problems on...it was the life-- why would I want to give that up?  Plus it didn't stop me from doing anything--I was fat but fit.  I rationalized my resistance to losing weight with those excuses, but the bottom line was that I knew it would take a lot of work and I was too lazy to put in the effort.  My parents (who are also fat but fit) took the 'maybe she'll grow out of it' route until I hit the size of your son around the 6th grade, but they were hesitant to really push me to do anything.  It started as scattered hints-- bribes and promises (lost weight meant all new clothes etc), suggestions and encouragement.  But they were so gentle about it that it was easy to just decide I loved food more that idea of being thin.  Well intentioned attempts to re-direct my eating habits at meals just led to sneaky after-hours binge snacking.  I was unstoppable.

In the end they never really did force me. As I got deeper into my teenage years their attentions to my weight, which had continued to grow, really upset me.  I eventually internalized all of it and started to feel like it was an attack on my whole person -- they were always trying to change me which meant that they would like me better if I were different which meant they didn't like me as I was.  It wasn't necessarily true, but emotions run high at that age and I reacted badly.  Once it became a really sore topic my parents stopped forcing the issue and a sense of unspoken pity entered the air, which felt even worse.  By the time I got interested in boys I considered myself so far gone that I didn't even try to slim down, I settled for friendships with guys instead of relationships.  Now at 25, I'm finally willing to put in the effort to lose weight and I'm wishing I had done something about it earlier. It would have been easier with less to lose and there is no knowing how different my life would be if I had been at a more reasonable weight during high school, college and career establishment.

All that being said, I'm behind everything that rmgarcia mentioned in her note.  I think the smartest way to approach this is through a doctor's visit--where better to start than with a professional?  They will help you with the labor intensive part of making a weight loss plan so you and your son can focus on the parts that can be turned into something fun.  Talk to the doctor before hand about your concerns, possibly even disguise it as a visit for yourself that just happens to turn into a visit for him to make it less confrontational.  My mother dragged me to the doctor at one point and I was in tears the entire time I was so humiliated... but it was also the closest I came to success.  I went once a month to check in, be weighed and just touch base.  It might have worked if we had stuck with it but I missed a month, never made another appointment etc, so that is another lesson there too--be persistent.  Dealing with the doctor worked for me because I had to be accountable-- there was a third party authority to answer to that I couldn't get around like I got around my parents.  And it gave me someone to resent other than my parents--there is a lot of anger and hurt involved with facing being fat at that age, you'll want someone else share the heat.  A doctor's opinion might also help in dealing with your son's father as well, or at least he might have some fresh ideas and support.  Your son is obviously a smart boy so I can guarantee you he's aware of all the downsides to his situation... skip rehashing the bad--the risks, the shame, how worried it makes you (this only makes us feel even guiltier) and move right ahead into a plan for a solution.

Finally, I would definitely recommend finding him someone outside the family- a counselor, psychologist, religious leader etc-- to talk with as it definitely sounds like he has many signs of being a foodoholic (someone who uses food the way other people use booze).  I don't know of a single foodoholic who has had a diet work for them without figuring out what makes them tick first.  In fact, we tend to gain back far more than we lost once we fall off the wagon because we feel have to make up  for having denied ourselves.    My parents never thought to consider any mental or emotional reasons with me and a little help early on might have nipped it all in the bud. Although I didn't know it at the time, I was severely depressed after a bad experience at a young age that my parents still don't know about.  In hindsight I've realized that that single event started my excessive eating as a balm for my issues--Eating was the one thing that always felt good so the way to keep feeling 'good' was to keep eating... constantly...  It might not be a bad idea to see if your doctor or his school has someone on staff who would be able to sit down with him and give him the opportunity to talk.

I wish you the best on this--you're doing the right thing.  Sorry the back story on this is so long, but I thought it help you stay a step ahead of his possible reactions.  He might even enjoy this site as a way to keep track of his progress-- kind of like a facebook for food!  Good luck and keep the faith-- you guys will do it!

--k