Anyone have problems being intimate with your partner?

I'm 38 and have been married 6 years and have a wonderful husband who totally adores me.  He always tells me how beautiful I am and that he thinks I am hot. The problem is, I can't see what he sees so I avoid getting close to him

I am ashamed of the way I look (I am about 40 pound heavier than when we married and want to lose about 60 pounds). I love my husband dearly, and I feel guilty about pushing him away (It's been about 8 weeks since we made love - he's stopped making advances and waits patiently for me to come to him)

I just don't know what to do to get past the horrible shame I feel when I am with him...he adores me...he wants me...and I get uncomfortable when he gives me a hug, fearing he will want to head for the bedroom and he will see how ugly I am.  I'm not worried about him finding someone else, I just feel so bad for ignoring him like this.

well, okay, i'm single, and can't really relate, but i didn't want to leave you hanging.

sometimes i think you have to just do it.  the best way to prove to yourself that he really is attracted to you is to let him show it.  hopefully once things get going, you'll be able to set your worries aside and enjoy yourself.  but until then...well, we do the laundry whether we want to or not, right?

let him show his love ;)

lol: pg your comparing sex to laundry...I have to think on that Sometimes I rather do laundry..but I agree...lily go buy yourself some nice lingerie, put on some nice perfume....Take a hot bath before, light some candles, put on some music, get yourself in the mood and tell him that's what you need. I personally think that sex is 50% mental, lol--you got to talk yourself into wanting it.....Next you need to change your thinking, which can be the hard part---but apparently he likes you and even though you can't wrap your head around the thought about how he finds you so damn sexy--so what--you need to learn to let go and let that MAN love you and MAKE love to you! I'm serious....I'm talking from personal experience..as I've been married 3 years and I used to make appointments to have sex with my husband at one point, just so we would have it...I really think it's unfair to your husband--it's time to compromise, and before I would have never said that but it is.....but you need to work on you too...what does make you feel beautiful and sexy? A nice outfit? Make-up ---Make yourself feel sexy and special--tell him what you want and how you want it...Maybe it's time to spice up your sex life?? Try something different

Just do it lady!  I would never tell a woman to degrade herself to please a man, but honestly, sex is an integral part of marriage.  I've been married for going on 6 years now, and one thing I've learned is that it's give and take. Plus, you've said that your husband wants you, adores you, etc., so obviously the hang up lies soley with you.   

One thing I have to ask: is there a reason your husband has given up on initiating sex?  I did go thru a period of time where I did not want to initiate sex- but my husband never let it get to be 8 weeks before we had sex.  Is there something else going on that could be affecting your sex life?

I don't want to sound preachy, because I know I don't know everything there is to know about married life- but one thing that I have learned is this; if your husband says you're sexy, that usually means he thinks you are.  If he says you're beautiful, that usually means he thinks you are.  If you can let go enough and trust in your husband's opinion, you really can't go wrong when it comes to sex.

I would like to think I understand your hang ups.  I have gained 50 lbs in the 6 years I've been married.  I can understand the fear that the husband married the slim girl, now she's gained weight, so you have the paranoia that your husband really preferred the slim wife.  But honestly, a sexless marriage will not work. 

On a separate note, anything you can do to make yourself feel sexy will ultimately please your husband   Get yourself in the mood girly, and just take him by surprise! 

I would emphasize romance over sex. Put on your best outfit, go for dinner somewhere really nice, maybe have a glass or two of wine. It just might put you in the mood. If not, well at least you're still being intimate and a marriage needs that too.

One thing to consider: yeah, I know you said it's your hang-ups that are holding you back. Also, think about any medications you're on. I was on depo for a while and was off for a few months. I didn't have a period yet so I went to the doc and she put me on the pill to regulate my cycle. Let me tell you, my libido has increased so much. Meow!

Also, being healthy and working out can make you feel so much better about yourself on a daily basis. Keep it up and it will do wonders for your mind, soul, and body. Go get your man and go for a nice autumn walk.

Lily,

I'm having the same problem...a little younger than you, 35, and married 5 years, but I feel so ashamed of how I look I can't imagine my husband wanting to have sex with me, a huge fat cow.  I try to just do it, and sometimes that is great, but other times, such as the last time, I just burst into tears halfway through.  Needless to say killed the mood and he is afraid to touch me because he's afraid "HE"S DOING IT WRONG" I can't seem to explain to him that the tears were my problem, I feel like that I'm the one doing it wrong...how could he want to even touch me.

Laps

honestly, i say skip the preamble.  if candles, a hot bath, and lacy unmentionables were going to get you in the mood, i doubt we'd be having this conversation.  and all that sounds like added pressure, to me.

A couple of things.

1. I love hugging and cuddling with my husband and it brings us closer together and lots of times it doesn't lead to sex. You are cheating yourself and your husband out of a wonderful feeling of closeness by not being willing to hug him. Your husband sounds very patient and understanding so tell him you would like to hug and cuddle but not do anything else, just holding on to one another can help you with your intimacy issues.

2. If your only fear is him seeing you in the nude then there are lots of people who only feel comfortable having sex in the dark. You can start by making love in total darkness if you need to, maybe working your way up to low candle light.

3. I agree with the previous poster a bath and lingerie isn't likely to help, but try whatever you need to, if it works for you then it works. Its not about the mood its about how you feel about yourself, and about being comfortable with your body image. You are obviously working on that by trying to lose weight, but you may need more help from a doctor or someone else.

4. My husband and I went through a period of time similar to this. He didn't want to have sex with me too often, it made me feel awful. I felt like I was doing something wrong, that he had lost his attraction to me, or that maybe he was even interested in someone else. I knew he wasn't having an affair, but how could he not want to have sex, hes a man after all. He finally told me that since he had gained about 30 pounds he had lost some of his sex drive and he didn't feel very sexy. That he felt gross when he looked at himself naked.

I had gained weight too and I didn't look at him any differently, I still wanted to have sex and still found him sexy, but telling him that didn't mater. It seems like he was in a similar situation as you. It caused us a lot of problems and I really hope you can find a way to work through them. We are doing really well right now, but it took some time to work through.

Don't avoid him.  Being with him will make you both feel good.  To have the marriage stay healthy you need to stay close to him emotionally and physically.  Make his day and have a good time tonight, you start the fun and you'll see it'll all be good.

Enjoy

I think EVERY WOMAN has had bad body issues NO matter what her shape or size. We also have to remember that we are MUCH MORE critical of ourselves than the men in our lives. Please don't forget that your husband loves you and is NOT looking at your squishy thighs or your protruding belly. I can tell you honestly they are very distracted during "the act" and it is not with the negatives of your body. Confidence ( even faking it) helps to improve the way others view you. People will learn how to treat you by mimicing how you treat yourself. Love you for the woman that you are and close your eyes and think sexy thoughts. Get out of your head, and just for a few minutes, believe what he says, and KNOW that he thinks you are sexy....Just believe , just choose to believe it for those minutes. You will be amazed how freeing it is to simply let go of all the stupid hang-ups and just enjoy the attention your husband is giving you. Maybe view it as  being brave....Do a strip tease for him, and dont make an excuse for any part of you body, and smile the whole time as if you are having a better time then him. Challenge yourself with that and I promise you you will be happy and so will he!

I think EVERY WOMAN has had bad body issues NO matter what her shape or size. We also have to remember that we are MUCH MORE critical of ourselves than the men in our lives. Please don't forget that your husband loves you and is NOT looking at your squishy thighs or your protruding belly. I can tell you honestly they are very distracted during "the act" and it is not with the negatives of your body. Confidence ( even faking it) helps to improve the way others view you. People will learn how to treat you by mimicing how you treat yourself. Love you for the woman that you are and close your eyes and think sexy thoughts. Get out of your head, and just for a few minutes, believe what he says, and KNOW that he thinks you are sexy....Just believe , just choose to believe it for those minutes. You will be amazed how freeing it is to simply let go of all the stupid hang-ups and just enjoy the attention your husband is giving you. Maybe view it as  being brave....Do a strip tease for him, and dont make an excuse for any part of you body, and smile the whole time as if you are having a better time then him. Challenge yourself with that and I promise you you will be happy and so will he!

P.S...Your husband has already seen you naked. There isn't anything he doesnt know about. and he hasn't run for the hills. Instead he is begging for that body of yours!!!!

You are not telling me things I don't already know in my head...I just have trouble believing them in my heart.  I appreciate everything everyone has said here, but JUST DO IT (when it comes to sex) is not an attitiude I have within me.  As for taking a bath (can't stand to see myself naked) or wearing nice lingerie (it makes me look ridiculous - all those rolls) I just don't see how it would help me get the courage to initiate something intimate. 

It really is a lack of confidence.  I have managed to get past that in my professional career, though that took some time.  I went from a shy, timid person to store manager by believing in what I was doing. I guess with my body I just don't believe in me.  Work was something that I loved because there were very few people around that have the knowledge I have, so others listened to me and came to me for advice. But there are lots of women out there who are pretty and sexy. Something I am not. Maybe he thinks so, but I don't.  And that's where the problem lies.

Maybe when I start seeing some pounds fall away and I can fit into clothes that make me feel pretty, I can work on believing that I am desirable.  But until that day comes, I suppose I just have to do my wifely duties...for his sake.

Original Post by beckah:

A couple of things.

1. I love hugging and cuddling with my husband and it brings us closer together and lots of times it doesn't lead to sex. You are cheating yourself and your husband out of a wonderful feeling of closeness by not being willing to hug him. Your husband sounds very patient and understanding so tell him you would like to hug and cuddle but not do anything else, just holding on to one another can help you with your intimacy issues.

Hi Lilly,

I think this might just be the best advice you got... Just start from point A all over. It doesn't have to be sex... Just cuddle and hold each other and tell him that you need for this to stay where it is. You can eventually work your way to caressing each other. Just take it slow and set the pace.

At least, you will not loose intimacy!!! And you'll leave a door opened for your libido to come back into your married life!

You have to remember that your husband is just that your husband. He is not some man on the street or some immature teenage boy. He is the man who decided to marry you for better or for worse.

Think of it the other way around would you stop finding your husband attractive if he put on a few pounds? How would you feel if he didn't tell you his emotional problems and just started to avoid doing anything all together? What would be going through your mind. You have to think about this and think of your husband.

Point of the matter honey, you have to sit down with your guy and TALK to him. He is just going to be clueless and hurt if he doesnt know what is going on and you are just avoiding him. You have to fill in that part of the void at least. He deserves to know at least as to what is going on with you. Sometimes in situations like these you just have to put the shoe on the other foot.

Obviously self doubting your body is something you have done for a long time. It's something I relate to as well. In these cases I suggest maybe you should go for therapy to discover ways to overcome these terrible thoughts in your head to a point where you can start loving yourself. Couples counseling may be good as well and will have your husband somewhat understand your problems and you may learn a thing or two about him.

I want you to look in the mirror today and find ONE thing you like about yourself write it down and for the week I want you to study that part and appreciate it. Then the next week find another thing you love and so on.

What makes you feel sexy? When you do your hair? your makeup? etc. Do this for awhile. Everyday style yourself to the max so you can feel good. Do what makes you feel beautiful.

Try cuddling with your husband every now and then or hug him and tell him you love him. Not everything has to lead to sex. Just appreciate the moment you are in and remind yourself of the wonderful things your husband tells you and be thankful for that. There are a lot of poor women who get downgraded by their husbands, but remember your husband is not one of them and seems to genuinely love you.

Talk to your husband and get things out I think it will help the situation a lot. Good luck Sweetie. You ARE beautiful. Remember that. *hugz.

I agree with silentdeadlyrose....you need to tell your husband how your feel.  That's the great thing about intimacy within a marriage it allows for such things to be shared.   I've been having sex with the same man for 29 years (God help me) and I've gone through phases where I was just not in the mood for different reasons.  During my daughters infant/toddler years (I was also doing daycare at home) when my husband approached me physically I just felt like I had nothing left to give.....my response being "I gave at the office".  During those years I also felt unattractive.  I was gaining weight and  just felt like a frumpy old housewife.......I was no longer a part of the grown up world.  I would share these feelings with The Husband and that was his cue to either let me have my space or truly convince me sex was something I would actually enjoy.  Thankfully he convinced me.  At this stage of the game my spouse and I have seemed to switch places.  I now give him his space but I won't let it go for too long cause gosh darn it I'm at my peak!  LOL!  So as I look back over the years of my youth.....the only advice that rings loundly in my head is a line from a Janis Joplin song......"Get It While You Can".

Sometimes there's just no figuring things out...you just have to trust and let go. 

Hoping things work out for you.

Hi there,

I have the same issues although I have only been with my boyfriend for 6 months.  I gained about 12 lbs since we have been together (I am only 4'10" so on me that is like 22lbs on a normal height person). 

I feel like every roll and bump and pudge shows, I think I look okay from far away but close up -- ugh.

Anyway, I have come to a point where I am too old too worry about it and just get down and dirty and love it up.  Life is too short not to enjoy making love to the one you love because you feel a little chubby.  If he loves you and gets it up when with you.. then that's all you need to know that he wants to be with you.

If you feel really self conscious wear some nice lingerie and keep it on part way during lovemaking to cover up what you don't like.  He'll think it's hot and you'll feel a little less self conscious.  Enjoy eachother life is too short!

T

LapisLazuli,

Awe, yer so pretty - stop beating yourself up for getting a little heavy.  I am just like you like why would this hot thin guy want to make love to me - but he does and he enjoys it and I love it too cause he us such a hottie... don't want to waste time not making love to the one we love!!

Get down and get sexy I say.

T

Honestly, sometimes I just force myself to do it. I'm in a similar position, but my issues come more from my ex than my weight. (Although, with my weight decreasing, my libido is naturally up, so it's MUCH easier.)

As long as he's not pushing me, I'll push myself because I know he doesn't deserve my ex baggage. And once it gets started, it's not always the best ever, but I don't usually feel worse afterward. And he gets what he wants. But I won't ever do it if I feel like he's forcing me to, because I don't believe you should ever feel forced (hence the ex situation) but when I know I'm just being a pain, I know I just have to get over it.

I think that losing some of the weight will help, but you also have to learn that he married you for a reason and like my fiance said when I was 15 pounds heavier - I'm not having a problem getting "ready," so isn't it obvious I'm still attracted to you? If he wants to do it, he's still attracted to you. And that's what really should count, because as women we're likely never going to feel 100% awesome with ourselves. We just have to settle that our men love us, and therefore, we should love ourselves.

Sorry, I didn't read your latest post. But honestly you need to work on some self love if that's the case. Do some things you like to do for yourself. Start a new hobby. Do something you enjoy that you don't normally get to. Spend some quality time with yourself realizing you're an awesome person.

I also agree that simply being more physical, instead of avoiding it, might make you more comfortable. Whether it's just hugging him or snuggling or curling up against him in bed where he can't see you, then do it.

Anyway, I think if you really mean this loosing weight thing, then once you start, it will be easier. But if you being to realize that even though your losing weight you still can't do it, I would see a counselor just to talk about your self-confidence issues. =/

And anyway, we marry people for a lot more than sex. I would be mortified to find that's why my fiance is marrying me. I like to think it's a lot more about how I run a household and my intellegence and that's what attracts him to me physically as well. I'm sure there are things other than your body that turn him on.