Do You Like Who You Are When You're With Your Family of Origin?

How To Still Be Yourself When You Go Home

When people get together with their families of origin, they often regress to the behavior patterns they had when they were younger, as that’s how we’re usually most experienced in dealing with parents and siblings. If, for example, you were seen as ‘the troublemaker’ growing up, you may become more loudmouthed around your family of origin, who may then respond in their own predetermined ways. Or, you may have been the favored child, and feel compelled to agree with everything your parents say, even if your views have now changed as you’ve matured. It can be stressful to feel pulled toward old patterns, however, especially if you’ve grown beyond these old roles and they no longer reflect who you are. It can be stressful for spouses to see this change, too. If this describes your situation, it’s a good idea to observe your own behavior and notice if you feel pulled to revert to previous patterns.

Here are a few things to try:

• Without being combative, try expressing an opinion or two that may not match how you used to think.
• Try seeing your family members as they are now, too, instead of letting the roles they once played color your whole view of who they are now.
• Bring up new activities (games or puzzles, for example) and topics of conversation (staying away from hot-button issues) that may bring about a different dynamic, allowing people to interact in a new way.
• Working on being more of who you are at each family gathering can be difficult in the short term, but can relieve stress in the long run as you feel you can truly be yourself (or at least more of your true self) with the people you still may love the most.