Too much attention at new weight

Hi, I am a 30 year old mom of a very active soon to be 3 year old and through diet and activity I have lost close to 100 pounds since his birth. I recently got down to a muscular 118 and now I am literally having trucks stopping next to me with gross guys hanging out the window leering at me. This happens weather I have my son with me or not! I wear jeans and tanks, and am about to start pulling out the big t-shirts to hide. I feel so violated everywhere I go men and women alike are staring at me! It is as though I am naked, but I am very well covered with layered tanks to make sure nothing is revealing. Women get clucky around me, passive agressive, and litterally "ahem" in my ear as stroller by them. People always act as though I am in thier way when I stay as close to the side as possible when I walk. I feel so on display, and want to blend in again. I am starting to think that just by being slim, I am offending them? There is a positive though, my son got to ride the merry go round free today. lol. It freaks me out when I am working to put my son in the car, stroller etc and the entire time a couple is in thier dark car eating and watching me! I felt them watching me but didn't know where they were until they got out of thier car and bellied as close to me as possible! YIKES! I am getting paranoid about this, what do I do?

Well you don't have to wear big t-shirts or a burka (!) but maybe a clothes/hair/make-up revisit could help.  It's great that you've lost all that excess weight.... now you need to work out how to dress the new body best so that you're sending out the right messages.

Take a friend shopping with you and ask for their honest opinion of you in various styles.  30 is a tricky age... you don't want to be trying to look like a tarty teen and you're not ready for the carpet slippers and cardigan either... and some styles are going to make you look more 'cool & sophisticated' (leave me alone...) than 'easy & glam' (give me a whistle...).  Sorry, I don't know what a layered tank is...  Same with hair and make-up...

And then the next string to your bow is to get assertive with any leering, agressive types....  Because invading your space is not acceptable and you shouldn't let anyone make you feel uncomfortable, however you look.  Have a few sharp retorts rehearsed in advance and match them up with withering looks!  It's good for the soul.

They are JEALOUS!!!!!!!! Be proud. And I hate the gawking males also- but eh, it comes with the territory!

I just don't know what to think about this. Are you sure they are staring at you because of your BODY? Is there anything else this could be? 

I'm sure that some of this is the new figure, but it's possible a lot of the negative attention (ie, women getting snippy with you, etc) may be because your attitude is defensive.  If you walk out the door expecting people to be rude, you'll usually find some who are, or misconstrue what others are doing as a personal attack.  My advice is to be oblivious and live your life.  Who cares what others think, anyway?

anyway, just my opinion.  :)

 

 

go_lucky is right on in asking who cares?  Then again, maybe you do care, and that's why you are feeling this way.

Maybe you're imagining things, or maybe it really does say 'hate me' on your forehead.  Maybe you smell bad.  Maybe you have a severe case of dandruff.

Or maybe you just need to get over yourself, and others will too.

when i was a bit younger and a lot thinner, i used to get the same kind of attention.  to the point where women that i was serving in the restaurant that i worked at would complain about me before i had even talked to them.  the more that people leered at me and made comments, the more self-conscious i became.  it wasn't until my first (real) boyfriend told me that guys only make comments like that if they think they can get away with it that i realized that my self-consciousness encouraged them.  if you start acting confidently you will slowly become confident, and the stares will become more respectful and the comments will stop.  you have to respect yourself or else why would anyone else?

Thank you danip, that was so spot on! The more I got leered at, the more inward and self conscious I got, and the more the trucks were stopping next to me, or the creepy guy was brushing up against me. Same with the ladies acting with an air of seniority.... the more victimized I felt, the more it perpetuated.

After reading my responses I decided to take today with confidence, one interaction at a time; talking to neighbors, librarians signing us up for classes etc, even smiling and nodding at movers and the trash truck on my street that are giving me attention. Before, I was so nervous talking to people it was as though they could sense my fear and would get that attitude of seniority spot off. Today during my trial run of confidence, I noticed that one of the librarians was just that way; she wasn't rude but she wasn't nice either but yesterday I would have taken it personally and gotten standoffish. Instead I kept interacting by giving her the benefit of the doubt in mind and it seemed that she had no fuel for her fire. I am glad you said also it will slowly come more natural as the stares become more respectful.

Also, thank you all for your helpful replies there are many more factors going on here than just weight. It looks like my next step with weight maintaing is some soul maintaining.

Marsha, congratulations on your success! You are a brilliant 30 year old that has successfully done the miraculous, which is taking care of your health! I am a 52 year old female that has been in your shoes (at about your age). This is a time for you to readjust your mental attitude. You are used to security with weight being your companion to "blend in." This is just an adjustment that you need to make. Know that you did this for you and your child for health reasons. Yes others will look and even snipe, just make yourself comfortable mentally with the "health" issue and you will start sending the message of confidence out to others.

Their is no need to "hide". I believe as a 30 yr. old mom & your profile picture that you are not "advertising." A person can feel self-conscious being an attractive fit person just as well as an attractive over-weight person can. You know, the "everybody is looking at me" sort of thing. You need to build that self-esteem of yours girl! You've accomplished so much, BE PROUD of you and your accomplishments.

Unfortunately, this world has its share of sharks and if they smell weakness or uncertainty, they attack. Don't give them any satisfaction! You are special, unique and accomplished!

If all else fails take a self-defense course or kick-boxing! It helps with fitness and gives you a sense of empowerment.

 

I know how you feel. Since losing weight and becoming slim I can't go out of the house wearing anything at all revealing (I'm talking about normal shorts or knee length skirts, not out in a mini with a bikini top) without creepy guys honking their horns and calling out their car windows, or random guys walking by me on the street saying 'Hey, baby, want some of this?'. They're all just joking around, and I didn't think I'd ever be the type to be bothered by this attention... but when it started happening when I'm walking with my boyfriend, little cousin or even once with my mom, it started to really annoy me.

What I really didn't expect was how hostile other girls have become. I once talked to a friend's boyfriend for all of five minutes (we were talking about computer software! I wasn't flirting!) and she instantly started spreading rumours about how I was a home-wrecker and tried to steal her boyfriend. Stuff like that never happened when I was overweight.

Reading this reminded me of two of the times similar things have happened to me.

1. At work, a few summer ago, after I lost about 15 lbs I was walking through the parking lot and I was putting my hair up and some guy leaving work (don't know who it was, it was an office with 500+ people) yelled something out of his car at me...dude I could be in your meeting tomorrow morning, chill.

2. I was in the car with my mom and we stopped at the vet to pick up cat food (my cats are fat...they need special vet food).  There were guys working on the roof and they whistled and cat-called at me as we pulled out of the parking lot.  I never even got out of the car!!

It can be funny sometimes, but sometimes the negative attention is annoying...

marsha, I read and thought and re-read your post.  I am a bit confused.

First, I will agree with #1.  The clothes you wear represent who you are. 

I have no idea how overweight you were, so, maybe you never got "attention" or you were just another girl with a baby.  If so, all this attention your getting is overwhelming.

Now, it seems, that you like the attention, when it is a benefit to you.  Like your son got a free kiddie ride.  You even admitted it in this post.

Somehow, you're gonna have to dress your age or whatever.  I do not know where you live, however, nobody has ever : "I felt them watching me but didn't know where they were until they got out of thier car and bellied as close to me as possible!"

All of this seems a bit self indulgent to me.  I don't know.  No matter what I say, it is going to be takeb the wrong way.

1. You are not used to the new you and are being  bit "paranoid".
2. You are just being selfish and self indulgent.  You like it that you get freebies, but feel that people are watcking you ???
3. This post, your post alone, would prove to me that you like the attention and are being self induldent.
4. Or, go back to 1. you are not used to being just another fly on the wall. 

This is how I've usually felt when I've lost weight before.

Fat people are "invisible" - no one wants to look twice at them.  Same with old people.  But the opposite sex do take a second (and third) look at slim women.

Now I've lost weight and have a great figure, people do look twice at me (because I've had my hair blonded and I have a youthful figure I think), hehe, but now I'm 45 years old, they look away when they realize I'm old!!  Haha.

I know I used to feel the way you do when I was younger.  I liked dressing young when I'd lost weight, but it did attract some attention and I didn't really like that.  But I was never slim for long, so it didn't make much of an issue.

Not sure what you are going to do about it, other than dress more demurely or becoming a bit more self-confident.

I absolutely love it and appreciate it now if I can get a second look!  Does wonders for my self esteem.  But I hated it when I was younger and less confident.

You also might have a little of the paranoia going too, sorry.

Yes, someone else said it, be proud! You look hot! People are drawn to beauty, so to be receiving such attention is a good thing. If it's new to you, it will seem weird for a while. But once you get use to it, have a little fun. Flirt back or just smile. You have the ability to brighten someones day just by showing up. Such an excellent and preferable position to be in. 

It really was a weird transition dropping so much weight so fast, and its weird how it takes the mind longer to catch up with the body image. So yeah during that transition I was being totally paranoid and self conscious, and really had to get used to it. A lot of the social attitudes are about looking college age I think. Lately I am getting carded and when I do, jaws drop with triple takes. I honestly don't wear embellishments or shop in jr's section but after really looking at myself I ditched the backpack diaper bag, need to ditch the ponytail, and am working at changing the self conscious attitude. Also I have a small frame, flat chest, and at 30 still have acne. Can't do much about that.. but I smile more, go with the flow more, and am definitely now having fun with it. No more trucks stopping, and any uncomfortable looks, or strangeness are just another drop in the bucket. In general I'm less stressed than before, smile more. Makes a huge difference.

 

Original Post by danip22:

when i was a bit younger and a lot thinner, i used to get the same kind of attention.  to the point where women that i was serving in the restaurant that i worked at would complain about me before i had even talked to them.  the more that people leered at me and made comments, the more self-conscious i became.  it wasn't until my first (real) boyfriend told me that guys only make comments like that if they think they can get away with it that i realized that my self-consciousness encouraged them.  if you start acting confidently you will slowly become confident, and the stares will become more respectful and the comments will stop.  you have to respect yourself or else why would anyone else?

 That's so true, your bf was right! I noticed when i felt self concious about when guys would stare at me they would be disrespectful and say sexual comments, and i let them get a way with it by not saying anything and just ignoring them but it got to the point that i got mad, and started talking back to them and they would stop, not expecting it at all. Now i will not let any man get away with that, sometimes i ignore them if it's something silly but if it's rude i will say something back or give them a look like i know who i am and nothing you say can bring me down.

Original Post by marsha_t:

 

It really was a weird transition dropping so much weight so fast, and its weird how it takes the mind longer to catch up with the body image. So yeah during that transition I was being totally paranoid and self conscious, and really had to get used to it. A lot of the social attitudes are about looking college age I think. Lately I am getting carded and when I do, jaws drop with triple takes. I honestly don't wear embellishments or shop in jr's section but after really looking at myself I ditched the backpack diaper bag, need to ditch the ponytail, and am working at changing the self conscious attitude. Also I have a small frame, flat chest, and at 30 still have acne. Can't do much about that.. but I smile more, go with the flow more, and am definitely now having fun with it. No more trucks stopping, and any uncomfortable looks, or strangeness are just another drop in the bucket. In general I'm less stressed than before, smile more. Makes a huge difference.

 

i can relate.  when you go a large portion of your life feeling 'bigger' than those around you, it takes awhile for your brain to register that you finally accomplished your goal.

and, while it's up to you to decide how you dress and wear your hair, i hope you won't ditch the cooler (others may say 'younger') style.  we may be 30, but that just means we're old enough to know what's best for us, rather than abiding by rules that others create for us.  layered tanks are fun... :)