Avoiding Meat at Social Gatherings?

I don't claim to be vegetarian yet per se, seeing as I do eat fish occasionally, but I have stopped eating meat and am working towards cutting out fish as well. However, I am not sure how to tell people who invite us for dinners that I can't eat whatever meat dish they've prepared, especially sit-down dinners when everyone's around the table. I can't say that I'm vegetarian, but I do feel awkward about not wanting to have meat. Does anyone have any experience in telling people about their food decisions?

I am in a similar position where I am still indulging chesses and fish but have generally stopped other meat from my diet. My recommendation would be to let the host/hostess know ahead of time that due to dietary, religious, personal, ethical (or whatever) reasons you do not eat red meat, pork, or chicken. At that point your next step should really depend on the occasion and who is hosting. Maybe you can bring a simple yet tasty vegetarian entree (the host might love you for that), or their vegetable choices at the dinner will be enough that you don't feel your missing out by not having that fillet and instead eating an extra salad. If you approach honestly and openly you shouldn't cause any stir. If friends, coworkers, etc are bothered by your personal choice to limit your meat, then I would question if I even wanted to sit and share their company over dinner. Probably not a lot of help here, but understand most of my friends for dietary or ethical reasons have gone to full vegetarians or like you and I eat fish (and I cheese) and it rarely causes the slightest concern. The many different levels of dietary restrictions many people commit to now is pretty main stream and just doesn't phase people the way it did 20+ years ago. Cheers!

I am in a similar position where I am still indulging chesses and fish but have generally stopped other meat from my diet. My recommendation would be to let the host/hostess know ahead of time that due to dietary, religious, personal, ethical (or whatever) reasons you do not eat red meat, pork, or chicken. At that point your next step should really depend on the occasion and who is hosting. Maybe you can bring a simple yet tasty vegetarian entree (the host might love you for that), or their vegetable choices at the dinner will be enough that you don't feel your missing out by not having that fillet and instead eating an extra salad. If you approach honestly and openly you shouldn't cause any stir. If friends, coworkers, etc are bothered by your personal choice to limit your meat, then I would question if I even wanted to sit and share their company over dinner. Probably not a lot of help here, but understand most of my friends for dietary or ethical reasons have gone to full vegetarians or like you and I eat fish (and I cheese) and it rarely causes the slightest concern. The many different levels of dietary restrictions many people commit to now is pretty main stream and just doesn't phase people the way it did 20+ years ago. Cheers!

The key is to bring it up in advance, instead of waiting till you are at the dinner.  It is very awkward for a guest to suddenly announce they aren't going to eat the meal that the hosts probably spent a lot of time preparing.  It leaves everyone scrambling trying to find an alternative, and there are likely going to be hurt feelings. 

A better way to handle it would be, instead of springing it on them at the table, ask the host or hostess ahead of time what the dinner will consist of.  Then you can let them know ahead of time that you don't eat any meat other than fish (or, if you want to avoid fish, just leave it at that you don't eat any meat).   If they are planning an entree you will not eat, or if they don't know what the menu is going to be yet, offer to bring a large vegetarian dish that you can enjoy and can share with the group.  That way it is not as much of a burden on them trying to come up with something for you to eat.

If you don't know the hosts (i.e. a friend of a friend) try to ask your friend to let them know about your dietary preferences and ask if it would be Ok for you to bring a dish.

If none of these are possible, then just suck it up and eat what you can.  Pass on the meat entrees (or slip your portion to a carniverous friend) and load up on the veggies.  I wouldn't even say anything unless asked, but don't make a big deal about it.  Hope this helps.

Naw.  I just tell 'em I don't eat animal products and move on.  If they've got some sort of problem with it, then they can sort it out with their therapists later, cuz its not that big a deal and it shouldn't be.  People who make big deals out of it should just be ignored.

Original Post by veganpancake:

Naw.  I just tell 'em I don't eat animal products and move on.  If they've got some sort of problem with it, then they can sort it out with their therapists later, cuz its not that big a deal and it shouldn't be.  People who make big deals out of it should just be ignored.

 Most dinner hosts would feel bad if one of their guests had nothing to eat because they did not know about specific dietary preferences/needs.  It's not like going to a restaurant where people exclaim over your vegetarian order.  If that was the case I would agree with you, but in the case of a dinner party, it is best to let the host know... not so they can "make a big deal about it" but so they can be sure their guests have something they can eat.

I agree that you should let people know.  I've found that people will go out of their way to cook for (sometimes it seems almost as if they're out to impress) their veg*n guests.  For my part, I'm in this for health reasons and we don't go to dinner parties enough for it to matter.  So we mention it but don't make a big deal out of it.  If all we get is meat, then we eat meat, though probably smaller portions than we would have back in our meat eating days.  (We being my wife and I.)

Thanks everyone - will try and keep in mind.

I stopped eating meat, but not fish, right after Thanksgiving and it's slipped my mind to tell dinner hosts that! Luckily there have always been plenty of veggie options and no one has served something like a beef stew. To my surprise, none of my friends/hosts have commented about the lack of meat on my plate! I am not sure if they were being polite or just didn't notice the lack of it amongst the veggies.

i would just tell them before you go over there.... say your a vegetarian (and you dont' eat fish either) and will they be serving anything without meat or should you bring a dish? or offer to bring a dish. but definately just let them know beforehand just to make life easier.

Tell people.... I have a friend that doesn't eat fish.  Another is allergic to milk.  My son has a friend that is coeliac so can't eat wheat.   I'd much rather they told me what they don't like or can't eat so that I can serve something appropriate.  I'd hate to think I was making someone unhappy or ill with my cooking.

Be assertive.  It's not rude to say 'I don't eat X'. 

I had this experience in full force this weekend when i went home to meet my boyfriend's family.  We told them in advance and they went out of their way to make sure there were plenty of vegetarian options... which was really nice but I felt bad that they had to do this for every meal.

Next time I am going to prepare some dishes to bring with us so they don't have to do all the cooking, and I can share some of my favorites with them... try making some stuffed mushrooms/peppers, quinoa salad, edamame salad, or something else easy to make and then take over there with you, that way you have something you def know you like, and you can share!

Ok.  I'm going to swim against the tide, here.

Here's the thing:  Social gatherings are all about the society -- that is, the gathering of people who share something in common; at the very least, the host/ess of the gathering.  The host/ess goes out of his/her way to make everybody welcome.  Putting any demands on that hospitality has the flavor of putting a price on being in your society; it has the flavor of considering yourself so superior that your host/ess would, of course, wish to be corrected by you; it has the flavor of an arrogance that considers oneself of maximum importance.

That is why the "rules" of etiquette call any request a guest makes of a host/ess rude behavior.  The host/ess is offering a gift; there is no polite way of dickering over it.

Like all rules, there are exceptions, and common sense is the guide.  If it is a one-shot deal, just deal.  Eat before you go so you won't be as hungry, eat what you can and make no fuss over what you don't.  "No, thank you" is a sufficient answer to any offer of the food you wish to ignore.  (A polite host/ess will not press.)  Enjoy the company -- that's the real purpose of the gathering.

If you are an over-night guest, the polite host/ess will ask if you have any special needs.  If not, it would not be rude to let your host/ess know about them -- tactfully and briefly.  Then, be polite about whatever comes from that conversation. 

If it is a close friend, with whom you usually can be frank, then go ahead and tell him/her about your philosophy/religion/health needs/ preferences.  If you are close enough, this information is probably known, anyway, and if not known, would be appreciated.

But keep in mind that, unless you are the sole guest, your host/ess must also accommodate everyone else.  Again presumably you are there for the company, so you enjoy that, and keep a low profile about the other stuff which, for all you know, may be an equally strong desire/need/preference of another member of the party.

There are some occasions when offering to bring something would be inappropriate.  Usually, the more formal the gathering, the less appropriate.  But most of us in the US, anyway, rarely attend formal occasions, so bringing something you are sure to be able to eat is a good plan.

I cannot agree with those who say that anyone unwilling to cater to individual eating preferences is not worth befriending.  To me, it's a very small thing to base friendship on. 

YMMV.

 

 

Except for the condescending tone, I agree with carolf_new.  But then again, how many times do I get invited over to a person's house if they're a complete stranger?  Veganism is generally quite rare (even among the hippy atheist lefty commies I hang out with) and is generally viewed as rather strange (ho DO you get your protein???) so, like it or not, the topic of veganism comes up LONG before the dinner invite. 

If the topic hasn't come up yet (and it always has thus far) it depends on the situation.  If I'm going to a barbeque, I'll eat beforehand and bring my veggie kebabs, if I'm having tea with the queen, I'll suck it up and daintily eat my scones with clotted cream.  If the queen invites me to a barbeque, well I don't know what I'd do.

Except for the condescending tone, I agree with carolf_new.

Oh, I didn't mean to condescend.  Sincere apologies.

I speak and write fairly formally, which I know is unusual these days.  Call me an old foggy.  But I don't mean it condescendingly.

On re-reading, I can see how the last two lines could come across as condescending.  Again, that's not what I meant.  In truth, it was a flash of anger. Anger I would do better to hold.

Again, apologies.

Thanks carolf_new - I don't think that was condescending at all. It's good to have another opinion.

My problem stems mainly from the fact that I'm still living with my parents, so if we go to people's houses, we're invited as a family, and obviously it's the parents who organize it. If it's a proper meal, especially with grownups who believe in well-mannered children who shut up and clean their plates and not waste food, avoiding dishes becomes a problem. But at very formal gatherings like prom or something, it's ok if they haven't checked for dietary restrictions beforehand, because it always seems alright to pick at your food anyway.

If it's a gathering with close friends and family, our culture is to very much shove food onto everyone else and make everyone eat up (this was a problem even when I was still eating meat but trying to lose weight). Thus it gets awkward when I'm eating only a salad and the same person has offered me chicken five times.

Everyone's ideas have been helpful - at the moment I generally avoid going to meals saying exams are coming up and stuff. So yeah, thanks for sharing everyone!

If the queen invites me to a barbeque, well I don't know what I'd do.

It seems to me the chances are pretty high that the queen wouldn't know what to do, either!

(Except that some flunky would no doubt come up with the appropriate ritual from 11-aught 2, and inform you both, her deferently, you more to the point.)

Love the image!  Thanks.

 

Ahhhh. Parents. And parental friends. That's sticky, isn't it?

Have you discussed your eating preferences with your parents? I mean a respectful and earnest one, where you explain why this is so important to you? If not, you might give it a try.

Before you have that talk, though, do your homework. Bring citations about how you can get sufficient protein for your age, and recipes that show your folks wouldn't have to go out of their way to accommodate you at family meals. Maybe offer to cook, yourself? Things like that.

My goddaughter, whom I love more than life itself, is a confirmed vegetarian by conviction. Twice I have tried to talk her out of it. First, when she was starting, at age 15. The simple truth is that it is difficult -- not impossible, but difficult -- to get sufficient protein for a developing body and brain without eating meat and fish. Yes, much of the protein you eat between birth and age 25 or so goes to build brain mass. The second, when she was pregnant with her daughter -- again, because of the protein issue for the baby.

As a result, she did a lot of research, and found out exactly how to get the full nutrient load with only plants as food (well, she allows eggs and milk, since the animal does not die in the production.)

She also ate at family meals, and did not impose her conviction on them. She cooked anything special she needed for herself; and she cleaned up, as well.

You have to understand that your parents are going to be rightly concerned for your health, and that they might want to protect the family from undue and time-consuming extra work. They might also want some sense that this is not just a passing fad "everyone" has embraced, but a sincere conviction you reached through careful consideration.

Then maybe they will change their behavior to accommodate you better.

Good Luck.  You might even sway them.  I still eat meat, but much less often, and I pay close attention to the source (and method of production) of that meat.  I have my goddaughter to thank for that.

[edited to add the last paragraph.]

My mom knows, and I pretty much cook at home most of the time, so I make what I want to eat separately and they're quite fine with it. But I think they may feel it's a weight-loss whim of mine, or that they themselves feel hard-pressed to tell a friend, "Oh, by the way my daughter doesn't eat meat anymore." Anyways, I think I'll just leave any meat on my plate if it comes down to that, and just compliment everything else.

well i personally found carol_elf's post quite condescending, but as ther'es been an apology already i'll move on.... i recently hosted a dinner... i had a lactose intolerant person, a gluten-free person, a doens't like the taste of dairy products but can eat them person, a likes spicey foods person, and a doesn't like spicey foods person, and myself a vegetarian.... should i have invited them over and made a lasagna tray and thats that??? well half my guests couldn't eat then!!!  i'm glad i knew what their food habits were beforehand.... i made a few different things and they each brought something as well.  everyone had more than enough to eat and there was of course, plenty of socializing.  i wouldn't want to prepare a meal my guests couldn't eat.  and it's not like "oh i don't like onions, so please don't make a dish with onions" these are real legit reasons.  for easter i had my bf ask his mom to ask his family what was being prepared for dinner.... i was able to eat almost all the sides they made so i was fine.  i made an extra dish anyway.  his grandmother still worried that there wasn't food for me when of course there was. i think hosts would rather just know beforehand then have you sit there and chomp on a carrot and not eat anything...

jmc --

Again, apologies.  I truly did not intend to be offensive. (If you feel like sharing, send me a message and point out what was offensive -- I'd appreciate the input.)

I, too, go out of my way to avoid things I know to be problems.  My husband is severely lactose intolerant with a cross sensitivity to legumes.  My best friend doesn't like sweet peppers.  As I mentioned, my goddaughter does not eat meat.

Individually, I can handle any of them.  And, since these days, most gatherings are the informal, everybody-body-bring-something-to-pass variety, my husband never goes hungry.  (It gets a bit awkward at pizza parties, which is often the favorite take-out on movie night or at office gatherings, sigh.)  I always bring something I know he can eat.  If we are not sure, he will swing through McDonald's and get a burger on the way.

Inviting people specifically for dinner -- that is, the meal is the entire "entertainment" -- is not so free and easy.  My husband's close friend and wife are also vegetarians.  When I invite them for dinner, I make a vegetable-based meal to which I can add meat as a special topping for my husband.  I make my own stock, and in preparation for a soup for these friends, I made vegetable stock specifically for them, and was happy to do so.

But if those friends come to dinner with another couple we all have in common as friends, then it gets sticky.  The other couple, like my husband, are meat eaters, and the husband of that couple hates vegetables.  And I would be hard pressed to sufficiently feed my husband, my goddaughter and my good friend at the same meal without a lot of effort in planning, shopping, timing and cooking.  Since we are close enough, I would probably not try, and suggest we order something in, so that everyone can choose individual meals.  Otherwise ...

A polite hostess will do her best to serve enough things that each of her guests can eat something.  A polite guest will not make any fuss should she fail.  Neither will take offense should the other make a mistake.  That's all I really was trying to say.

The original poster has a different problem, though, which she elucidated in a later message.  In that case, the family goes as a whole, frequently, and the OP is pressed to eat unacceptable foods.  This is likely to continue, given the relationship of the families.

I would definitely encourage her to speak up -- and in fact, did so, in a previous post.

Original Post by carolf_new:

A polite hostess will do her best to serve enough things that each of her guests can eat something.  A polite guest will not make any fuss should she fail.  Neither will take offense should the other make a mistake.  That's all I really was trying to say.

The original poster has a different problem, though, which she elucidated in a later message.  In that case, the family goes as a whole, frequently, and the OP is pressed to eat unacceptable foods.  This is likely to continue, given the relationship of the families.

I would definitely encourage her to speak up -- and in fact, did so, in a previous post.

 not a problem carol elf, i should know better than to read too much into tone from written word... probably on the defensive because of just how much incredible rudeness i have been seeing on these sites lately! geez!  :)

anyway, your completely right on the above... it does involve both sides and it certainly is difficult at times... i could scroll up and probably find it but i don't remember how old the op is or how long she's been at this... its been almost 15 years for me, so like mike said up above, i dont' encounter too many people who don't know i am a veg... when i start a new job or meet a new friend it comes up, but otherwise everyone has been "broken in"... i went veg when i was 13, so i was young and it was more difficult then... there is a transition period of letting everyone know... and it's often looked at as a "whim" and people don't take you seriously... you have to do much more work to prove your diet to them then any meat eater ever has to do regarding their diet!  i think the only way to get through it is to keep the lines of communciation open and contribute as much as you can.... i forgot about a friend i have that's muslim so she doesn't eat pork... no one would ever expect her to put pork on her plate to keep them happy or eat it to not be difficult, so there's no reason anyone should have to do that... i think nowadays it is easier to be veg because it's more known about and more people are open about their food habits, but it still has it's difficulties.  i still get offered meat sometimes and i just politely decline... no need to explain "no thank you i'm fine, everythings delicious" and move along usually works.   let people know and stay strong with what you want to do, it will get easier!