Baaahhhhhhhh (rant)

So, my sister and I are complete opposites. She's tall, blonde, a jock, wants to go into the military, doesn't listen to music, etc. I'm average height, brown hair, music is my life, I hate sports, etc. The thing is, I just dont know how to handle her anymore. When I was little, she used to beat me up (literally, not in the sibling rivalry way,) and although its not that bad anymore now that I'm strong enough to defend myself, the things she says just really gets to me, you know? I mean, I know I should just ignore it, thicken my skin, not let her get to me, but she's got this way of getting to the root of your insecurities and nailing you with them. She just got done calling me (a former anorexic and bulimic) a fat loser and the most disgusting, revolting person in the family. Her and her boyfriend just love making fun of people with eating disorders when I'm in the room (and they're both fully aware of my history.) She blames things on me so that my mom thinks I'm just as disgusting as she says I am. And the thing is, when she's not being outwardly mean to me, she acts so **** sweet to my face, just to try to get me to trust her again so that she can hurt me even more the next time. I dont trust her, Ive barely spoken to her for the last six months, but its still just really hard. I can't wait until she finally goes off to basic in a year.

Eh. Sorry for the vent. Just needed to get it out I guess. Thanks if you read <3

How old are you?

I grew up with a mean brother.  I learned self defense pretty young.  Seriously - he was a bully and an ****.  One he had me cornered in the laundry room and was punching me - I grabbed the only thing I could get my hands on.  It was a hammer and I placed a blow straight to his head.  Seriously scary huh?  Well I didnt do any damage - just a lump but he left me alone physically after that.

We are now in our 40s and not close.  He slacked off over the years but he still manages to be a jerk -like stealing my food when we are out.  WTF?  Yes, you read right.  He is 43 and two weeks ago he took the food right out of my hands and ate it by shoving it in his mouth fast. Just out and out stole it.  He gave some lame appolgy "I didnt know you were going to eat that".  Again - WTF?

So what do you do about it?  I am not sure.  I left home at 17.  That helped a lot.  I dont recommend it.  I have had a hard row to hoe.  But putting distance between us at least gave me room away from the abuse.

In the interim years I have also learned to jibe him back,  give quelling looks and roll my eyes a lot. 

funny enough I think my distaste for his antics and my general disapproval of his behavior is pretty damaging to his emotional state.  When I shoot him the look that says "grow up" he always gets defensive.  As though I should take his abuse and recognize it as love.

The thing is - he cant stand it when I dont react.  he hates that more than anything.  I am sure your sister is like this too. 

You cant help but feel hurt.  Family should protect each other and defend one another.  Its totally natural to feel awful when they dont behave normally.  But your sensitivity is only an indication of the humanity inside of you.  Humanity is something abusers seem to be missing. 

I am sure there is some deep hurt that makes your sister the way she is.  But you cant cure it.  You also cant ignore it.  I know - been there.

But I do know standing straight, looking her in the eye and being as confident as you can that you are a very fine person will help a lot.  Abusers want you to feel low - they seek out ways to keep you guessing because it keeps them in power.  Do not trust her - when she is being sweet - dont give her the time of day.  When she is being mean - dont show your hurt.  When she is going on about your ED - just roll your eyes.

geeze I dont know that this advice is helpful.  As I have said - my brother is in his 40s and he still is a jerk.  Nothing i have said will make your sister a better person.  But you can know that her failings are no reflection on you.  You did not invite her to hurt you.  She does it out of the bleakness of her own soul.  She may never grow up but you can. 

I no longer fear my brother.  I even say to him "oh for god sake - you are xx years old.  Arent you ever going to grow up?"  Shame seems to be his achilles heal.  He hates being shamed. 

Oh well - I am rambling.  Your post really struck something in me!

Original Post by madamq:

How old are you?

I grew up with a mean brother.  I learned self defense pretty young.  Seriously - he was a bully and an ****.  One he had me cornered in the laundry room and was punching me - I grabbed the only thing I could get my hands on.  It was a hammer and I placed a blow straight to his head.  Seriously scary huh?  Well I didnt do any damage - just a lump but he left me alone physically after that.

We are now in our 40s and not close.  He slacked off over the years but he still manages to be a jerk -like stealing my food when we are out.  WTF?  Yes, you read right.  He is 43 and two weeks ago he took the food right out of my hands and ate it by shoving it in his mouth fast. Just out and out stole it.  He gave some lame appolgy "I didnt know you were going to eat that".  Again - WTF?

So what do you do about it?  I am not sure.  I left home at 17.  That helped a lot.  I dont recommend it.  I have had a hard row to hoe.  But putting distance between us at least gave me room away from the abuse.

In the interim years I have also learned to jibe him back,  give quelling looks and roll my eyes a lot. 

funny enough I think my distaste for his antics and my general disapproval of his behavior is pretty damaging to his emotional state.  When I shoot him the look that says "grow up" he always gets defensive.  As though I should take his abuse and recognize it as love.

The thing is - he cant stand it when I dont react.  he hates that more than anything.  I am sure your sister is like this too. 

You cant help but feel hurt.  Family should protect each other and defend one another.  Its totally natural to feel awful when they dont behave normally.  But your sensitivity is only an indication of the humanity inside of you.  Humanity is something abusers seem to be missing. 

I am sure there is some deep hurt that makes your sister the way she is.  But you cant cure it.  You also cant ignore it.  I know - been there.

But I do know standing straight, looking her in the eye and being as confident as you can that you are a very fine person will help a lot.  Abusers want you to feel low - they seek out ways to keep you guessing because it keeps them in power.  Do not trust her - when she is being sweet - dont give her the time of day.  When she is being mean - dont show your hurt.  When she is going on about your ED - just roll your eyes.

geeze I dont know that this advice is helpful.  As I have said - my brother is in his 40s and he still is a jerk.  Nothing i have said will make your sister a better person.  But you can know that her failings are no reflection on you.  You did not invite her to hurt you.  She does it out of the bleakness of her own soul.  She may never grow up but you can. 

I no longer fear my brother.  I even say to him "oh for god sake - you are xx years old.  Arent you ever going to grow up?"  Shame seems to be his achilles heal.  He hates being shamed. 

Oh well - I am rambling.  Your post really struck something in me!

 

 

 Actually, you helped a lot :) You've made me feel a lot better, and given some good advice. I'm 16, and I tried to move out about half a year ago (my sister isn't the only abusive one in my family) but my parents wouldn't hear of it. So I'm going to have to wait until I'm 18. But she'll be gone next summer, so thats a good thing :)

Thanks again for your advice. It really helped

My brother and I used to fight pretty bad when we were younger.  Once, he actually choked me until I passed out.  (That probably scared him just as much as it scared me.) At a certain point, I was big enough that the punching and physical fighting stopped, but the rest continued.  Everything changed though when I moved out.  We're pretty good friends now that we don't live together anymore.  In fact, that funny thing is that I spent a week at my parents during a time when my brother was living at home again and after about 5 days, the fighting started again.  We just can't live together and everything is fine.

i was the youngest of four, and by a few years because i was unplanned by my parents (a mistake if you wanna be a dick about it....lol)  i used to get teased like crazy, beat up and for most of my youth they had me convinced that i was adopted....the point is, being a kid is hard and you and your sister still have some childish tendencies.....in 5 or 6 years you guys will be really close, you may think that sounds crazy now but chances are it will come true....just keep being you and ignore her for now.......

I love how people insist one will always end up being close with an abusive sibling. Plenty of times it doesn't happen that way and even people in this thread have said they aren't close as adults with siblings who were cruel.

I think sibling cruelty is a part of the family dynamic that is too often overlooked, sibling rivalry is dismissed as "normal" or even "cute", but the truth is a sibling with a sadistic or abusive personality can be also be traumatic to deal with.

I have a sister who is like that, except we're not close in age. She's 11 years older than me and almost 30.. She makes very rude comments about my weight whether or not I lost 36 pounds, tell me I will get nowhere in life and that I'm a loser, gets me to trust her so I can tell her the latest "gossip" in the family (shes so pathetic) but will say rude things to me the next week. She also makes up situations (like "Erica was at a party last Tuesday, she was so drunk" when I was really at a movie) and gets me in trouble. And its only me she does this to, none of my other sisters get bothered, and nobody knows why..

I used to be okay with not seeing her that often, but now I'm totally livid because she had a baby and shes over all the time, and my parents always side with her when we have a conflict because they want to keep seeing their granddaughter. My niece is awesome, don't get me wrong, but she won't make me and my sister close. Ever. I've been having a miserable time living at home because of her, and I'm afraid she'll drive me away from my family before I even start college.

But I decided I won't ever let her ruin my life again. My sister said something about my loser boyfriend (my boyfriend passed away 4 months ago) and that she was happy to see him dead. I've ignored her since then. I still have the relationship with my niece, but I don't ever want to talk to her again. She isn't even invited to my graduation, and my parents are perfectly fine with that. Despite wanting to keep the peace by siding with her, they understand that my sister made me life miserable.

And I disagree also when people say that I'll end up being close to her. Regardless of whether or not she changes, I'll always keep in mind that she ruined my better years. And nothing will ever make me forgive her for that.