Should I have a baby?

Alright, I'm sure this gets asked all the time, but I'm looking for a little advise. I've been with my partner for six years now. We have a fantastic relationship on every level, and have always both said that we did not want children. However, now that we're approaching 25 we've both changed our minds. We've had several long talks about it and would both like to start a family. preferably sooner rather than later. I work full time and am a full time college student. I'm a little more than half way through my degree in genetics and would not be taking maternity leave from work or school. He does not work due to a car accident that left him unable to stand for long periods of time, and goes to school online. We live off my income of about $28k a year. He would love to be a stay at home daddy and already watches my sisters 4 kids while she is at work. We live in an appartment because housing near the university is out of our price range, and I love being able to bike to work and school. Her family is incredibly supportive, and mine is too, although my dad wants me to wait until I have my degree, a job, and a house. So what are your thoughts, on children while in school, on appartment living, on making it work on our budget for the next two or three years years? any thoughts, advise, warnings? We feel like the time is right, but worry that we're not making enough money to provide the kind of support we'd like to for our kids. Thanks in advance.

having a baby while in school is so much easier than when working... but how many hours are you working and how will you  be able to arrange recovery?  i had my daughter while in college, and took off three months in the middle of school.  you may not be able to take off the same amount of time (i lived off loans) but... you need at least a few weeks to recover and get breast feeding established etc.  and if  you have all the sudden decided to have kids.... maybe give it a bit to think about it a bit more. 

it might pass.

I always believed I didn't want kids either, but my son is the light of my life now, and I'm grateful to be in a position to stay at home with him every day. My best friend always wanted kids and has discovered that even though she loves her daughter, she doesn't enjoy parenting the way she thought she would. Point is, you just won't know which way you go until you actually have your baby.

That said, thinking you won't need time off is pure delusion... There was no way I could have worked the last month of my pregnancy, both sitting and moving around trying to accomplish even simple things were uncomfortable and exhausting. And afterwards... you pretty much feel like a horse has kicked you between the legs for a couple weeks and walking around to much hurts for a few months (my knees, hips and pelvis all scream at me 9 weeks later if I try to hit more than 3 stores on an outing) and if you get an epidural (and it can happen no matter how much you want to go natural) and draw the short straw, a spinal headache pretty much feels like your neck is broken and someone's using your head for batting practice. My labor coach said that labor is the equivalant of running a 27 mile marathon, and it takes a few weeks worth of naps to make up for that. Not to mention the fact your kid is going to want to eat at least 3 times a night, and even if you formula feed, your boyfriend is not going to want to get up and do it every time after watching the kid all day. Pregnancy and labor are HARD on your body (not to mention your relationship) and you need time to recover.

That said, IMHO, unless you're living in a very expensive place, 28k a year is plenty to raise a child on.... if you're breastfeeding. Formula's about $15 a can and they go through the stuff pretty quickly and I'm pretty sure that you make just a bit to much to qualify for WIC.  Also, do you have good insurance? Prenatel and then the hospital stay are pretty pricey... I think I would have had to pay about $6000 all told if I hadn't had insurance.

As to the apartment, there's no reason you need a house to raise a baby. As long as you have room (and their stuff does kind of take over!), an apartment will do just fine.

Ultimately, it's up to you if you think you can fit a baby into your life... But I'd say that full time work and school with a little one isn't really feasible. Not to say you couldn't, but you'll be running yourself into the ground.

You make a lot of good points, and I've thought most of these things over. There are a couple of details that I left out, that maybe I should have stated before. I work at a hospital in purchasing and luckily do have fantastic insurance. I work between 20 and 45 hours a week depending on my school and personal schedule.  My hours and days I work are very flexable and some of my work can be done from home. I do plan on taking some time off, what I meant was that I don't plan on taking the 4 months off that I'm offered from work. I'm estimating between a two and four week break. All my classes that don't involve lab work are done on line, but we would plan for a summer baby that way I'm less stressed toward the end of the pregnancy and will have more time to relax after the birth. Both my sisters worked up until days before the births of their children, one of them waitressing! And I'm comfortable in admitting that I'm just not that driven. Carrying all that weight around looks like hard work, even if my work is done from a chair. lol.  I really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks!

As the mother of 3, soon to be 4, my advice would be to wait.  Maybe until you are done with college.  I had my first child when I was 20 and I was a single mother.  I wouldn't trade it for the world but I can now see the value in having all or most of those things people say you should have before having kids.

Now, I want to stop working (I am 31) and would love to spend all my time being a mother.  But, since I wasn't ambitious with career or school, we can't afford it.  I am married now and he makes really good money.  However, with the size of our family we still need 2 incomes and are struggling to buy a new car let alone a house.

Every situation is different.  CAN you have a baby right now & be happy, of course.   Will it be hectic with or without going to school, yes. 

Personally, if I could do it all over I would want to do all the things and get all the stuff I needed to before I had my kids.  That way it might be just a bit easier to enjoy it all.  So, if you can wait, then do that.  If it is this burning desire then go for it!!!  Good luck!!

I would have to agree with waiting.  If you are half way done your degree you probably have 2yrs left?  Wait at least 1.5yrs then start trying.  You will have to take time off before and after the baby even if your partner is able to watch the baby you will need to recover from the birth and take the time to bond with the baby.  Remember not all pregnancies go perfectly you could end up on bed rest months before the due date and could suffer from postpartum depression after where will your income come from then?

Not to mention for the first 3 months of your pregnancy you are more then likely going to be exhausted and nausea, you won't have the energy to do your assignments let alone go to work after school. Once the baby is born and waking up during all hours of the night, even if it's your partner that is getting up to feed it you will be affected. 

I wouldn't want to combine the stress of a new born baby (which is compounded by irritability from not sleeping) with the stress of being your family's sole provider and the stress of being in the 4th and final year of your degree. 

Also you say your partner is studying online, is he willing to give that up?  Just because he is at home with a baby does not mean he will have the time to continue with his studies, he will probably have to study at night after you get home and can take care of the baby, when does that leave any time for the two of you?  When you both graduate from your perspective studies who gives up their new education to stay home?

Original Post by noodleloo84:

 We feel like the time is right, but worry that we're not making enough money to provide the kind of support we'd like to for our kids.

I AM A KID THAT WAS BORN INTO THIS ENVIRONMENT! I turned out great but times were tough growing up- Finances in our family never got better, my mom never finished school (30 credits shy)... I say finish your school at least.  I know my mom regrets it and she resents the fact that her dreams were cut short to take care of kids early in life...  also my parents had 5 kids- all of which are grown now and THEY ARE GETTING DIVORCED now and my mom doesn't have a degree to fall back on... apparently being an at home mom for 20 years doesn't go far in the current job market.

I say if it happens celebrate... but if you can wait until you are living in a more stable environment, I WOULD! 

Diapers alone in the first year are about $100 a month... among other expenses... I would do the math first- be logical, you kids will thank you when they grow up in an environment where they are not the "poor kid" 

I agree with the people who say wait.

I have done a degree and the last part of the studies is always the hardest, so you will need more time for it.

Also my friend had a baby last year (she was 35, with a good job, own house, stable relationsship with good income) Yet I know, she struggled.

She took two months off work initially after the birth but extended it for another month, because she couldn't leave him yet. This were her emotions that she before hand said would not get. The first few weeks are just taking care of a little helpless creature that cries at everything and only after a few months will you see him grow. I know I wouldn't want to miss out on that.

You said that your partner can look after him during the day, but this is not just babysitting, it's 24 hours.

I know that having a baby is a very happy thing to do, but I know that it's really hard and I wouldn't want to have to worry about things like juggling studies with work and the responsibility of providing income. Then again affairs of the heart don't always make sense.

Personally, I wouldn't have a child with a partner who cannot work - kids are expensive. If he has ongoing health problems you may be supporting 3 people (or more if you have more kids) for a very long time. If he is expecting a full recovery wait until he's recovered before adding a child to the mix. You're only 25 and still working on your education... at least finish school and get a better job first. Bear in mind, it's at least an 18 year commitment.

I'm going to agree with all those that say wait.  My first pregnancy was a breeze, and I worked up until the day before I had my son (he was born on Saturday, and I worked M-F).  My second pregnancy was not so easy.  I had a viral infection when I was 6 weeks pregnant and was very sick.   Then I had migraines for a few months, then a severe throat infection followed by a severe allegeric reaction to the meds for the throat infection.  I was so miserable the entire 9 months, and I can't imagine going through that while in school.  Luckily, I was already a stay at home mom, so I didn't have to worry about time off.  Still, like someone already mentioned, not every pregnancy goes smoothly.  And if you end up having problems, it can really effect your plans for school.  If something happens and you want to take time off, will you be able to drop your classes without receieving and F?  Will you lose all the money for that semester's tuition?  Just something to think about. 

Then there's the issue of school with a baby.  My sister-in-law is currently working on her master's, and her baby is 8 months old.  She's had a really hard time because he still doesn't sleep through the night.  He was waking 4 or 5 times a night.  It's hard to focus on school/work when you're exhausted.  Not all babies are like that, though.  My daughter's been sleeping through the night since she was 4 days old.  However, you won't know until you have the baby.  :) 

Also, how old are your sister's kids?  I'm just wondering if they're able to help themselves while your partner watches them?  Babies are a little difficult when they become mobile.  He's going to have to spend a lot of time chasing after the little one once s/he starts to crawl and then walk.  My daughter just started crawling a couple weeks ago, and she seems to be drawn to everything she shouldn't be.  LOL!  I have to stay right on top of her to make sure she doesn't get into the cat food, cat litter, fireplace, etc.  My son is 3, so while I still keep a close eye on him, he knows where he is and isn't allowed to play in the house.  It's much easier to deal with him.  But a baby will have you on your feet a lot, unless you can section off a room or area for him/her to play. 

I'm not sure where you live, but I'd start looking around at the price for formula and diapers.  I pay $21.50 for Similac (Similac has other varieties that are more expensive).  That's just the most basic one, and that's the cheapest I've found it.  Most stores charge $22-25/container for that same product.  I had to pay $27/can for my son's formula because he spit up a lot, and I had to use the lactose free formula.  My daughter goes through a container about every 8 days or so.  That adds up fast!  I buy the grocery store brand diapers, but they're still not cheap.  Assume you'll change about 6 diapers a day, maybe more.   

Again, I don't know where you live, but 28K doesn't sound like a lot for 3 people to live on.  Our income was about $50K last year, and we have enough to pay bills with very little left over.  I don't think the cost of living is high here, but we are in a house, and our payment is twice as much as our last house.  Still, I don't think it's that high.  But I don't think we could make it on as little as $28K.  I cut back on all the little extras after my son was born, so the only bills I have are really just house and car payments and utilities. 

Anyway, just my $0.02.  Good luck! 

I recommended this to someone else on this site when they were thinking about starting a family. If your hearts and souls cannot exist another second without a child, then you two are ready to try for a child. If you can wait a little while longer, then it might be best if you do.

You are no where near high risk age wise(35 years and older) so I say what's the rush? And like others have said there is no way of knowing if you may have complications.