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When should i have a baby?

I'm 20 years old and my fiance soon to be husband in three months is 21.  I am a pre med student and plan on starting med school in three years. My fiance is working on an associates degree in computers.  I want to have a baby a year after we get married but everyone is telling me to wait until I'm done with college, but that won't be until I'm around 29-30! i don't want to wait that long! what should i do?

First, what does your fiance think?

Second, start asking people who've done what you want to do in terms of schooling. I'd take care not to have a child too soon in a marriage or at a time when it might derail your med school application process. But people do have kids during med school -- start talking to them! (I didn't go to med school, but I went through a long grad program, and even though people had many different opinions on the best time to have kids, it was helpful to hear them all as we thought through the timing.)

you should wait a long time.  like, a long time.  you're way too young to be thinking about reproducing, especially if you really plan to go to med school.  you're not even out of adolescence, and your marriage needs to take priority.

29-30 is plenty soon enough.

wait until you are done with school!!!!!!

That's a question only you can answer since the proper age for having children is different for everybody.  Quite frankly I didn't want to have kids at 30.  That's why I had my tubes tied after my second child at age 26.  I wanted to be done raising kids while I was still young enough to enjoy it, and that's what hubby and I are doing now.  We can pick up and go whenever we want to, and money allows, as long as we've made arrangements for the dog, but we take him with us as often as possible.  That said, I think a huge consideration would have to be your career plans.  From what I understand, medical students don't have a lot of free time; almost none I guess, especially when they start in the clinical setting.  That would be even harder if you were pregnant or had an infant and are up at all hours with a baby, and I don't know how you would handle being in medical school and had to take maternity leave.  My best advice would be to either wait until you're finished with you education and began your career, or have the child before you start medical school.  At least then your baby could be past the infancy stage and hopefully pottie trained before you begin your clinical phase.  Ultimately though you and your fiance will have to make such an important decision together because you'll be taking on a huge responsibility and you will both have to work together.

Original Post by caverlady:

...At least then your baby could be past the infancy stage and hopefully pottie trained before you begin your clinical phase...

 ...and toddlers are so low-maintenance.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

Original Post by caverlady:

...At least then your baby could be past the infancy stage and hopefully pottie trained before you begin your clinical phase...

 ...and toddlers are so low-maintenance.

 but infinitely easier to find day care for...

Just pointing out options.

I would normally say that this is a decision only you can make but I feel like I need to offer advice.

Finish school before having kids. Especially if it's med school. Children take up so much of your time that it's hard to find a balance between work/school and family. I struggle with it every day and spending time with my kids wins every time. This is the reason why I haven't finished school and am not in a career that I could be.

29-30 isn't old. I'm 26 with two kids and I only have one other friend with kids. Most of my friend are just starting to marry and haven't even thought of children yet. My sister-in-law just had her first child at 34 and she was so prepared that it blows my mind.

All of that being said, I personally am happy I had children at a young age and I don't regret having them (the first was not planned and we didn't want our second to be 7+ years younger than the first).

Ultimately, nobody can decide for you except you and your husband. Figure out where your priorities are and choose wisely :)

It's a decision only you can make.  I will just throw in my experience here. 

I had 2 kids before I was 20.  I did finish high school, and worked as a waitress for a few years.  My husband had a regular job.  I went to college after mine started school. 

It was hard.  I worked part time as a student, part time as a waitress, school, and my husband worked.  It was hard to spend quality time with family, work and still have time fro school and studying.  If the kids got sick, or had some event (sports, school events, etc.) it got even harder. 

I had a good support system with my mom, my MIL, and my sister all in town and willing to help out if needed. 

Given a choice???  I would have finished school first and had the kids later after I had graduated and could offer them more --- more of me and more material things as well.  Plus it would have given me more time to mature and may have made me a better and more patient parent. 

I can only give you my experience -

I waited until I had my Master's in speech-language pathology.  Then I worked for 2 years to get my license.  And I hated it - I had the suspicion in grad school, but working in an inner city district just sucked me dry.  So I quit, and two years later had a baby at 28.  The next one at 30, and I'm done.  If I want more kids, I will adopt some older children - not that I don't enjoy my own, but I feel that need from the older kids in the system.  I stay at home now, and am planning to go back to work when the youngest is in school full-time.  Will definitely be more selective about the schools I apply to.  Right now, I am paying on loans for an education I am not using, because once I pay for daycare and everything else that goes with a job, I wouldn't be making enough to be worth it.  And I am also paying for the mandatory continuing education units to keep my license (something new they started as I graduated grad school - yay.)

Really, I wish I had kids when I got married (right before I turned 21), raised them, then thought about what I wanted to do when they were in school full-time.  I know schooling would have been harder then, but I would have at least known myself better and chosen a career more wisely.

Definitely, talk with people who have done it.  I have known some, but not well enough to know all of the drawbacks and benefits.  A lot depends on your circumstances - income level, familial support around you, etc.  And 30 is not the end of the world.  Really, it isn't.

Original Post by puh8suwrux:

Really, I wish I had kids when I got married (right before I turned 21), raised them, then thought about what I wanted to do when they were in school full-time.  I know schooling would have been harder then, but I would have at least known myself better and chosen a career more wisely.

Touche! Excellent point. I'm in the process of becoming a Lactation Consultant and never would have know that's what I want to do if I hadn't had kids before finishing school. Whew! Saved myself some money there!

Who will wattch your baby when your at school?

Can you pay for you and your baby and pre-med shcool and med shcool?

When your in med school don't you have to be up for like 12 hours at a time "on call". You can't leave your baby alone or with someone else for that long.

Wait until TOWARDS the end of med shcool, maybe 27. You'll still have 15 years of being able to have a baby-maybe more. Don't rush. If you have your baby at 21 She'll be out of the house when your 39. What will you do for the next 50 years? Stay young, have a life first.

Original Post by crazyperson01:

 If you have your baby at 21 She'll be out of the house when your 39. What will you do for the next 50 years? Stay young, have a life first.

 LOL. It's not like you stop having a life when you have a kid, and it's not like you lose all purpose once they move out.

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Original Post by crazyperson01:

 If you have your baby at 21 She'll be out of the house when your 39. What will you do for the next 50 years? Stay young, have a life first.

 LOL. It's not like you stop having a life when you have a kid, and it's not like you lose all purpose once they move out.

 Amen!

My kids will be (hopefully) out of the house by the time I'm 44! I get to spend middle-age and the golden years with my husband and hopefully be a young grandmother (not too young, of course). I like the idea of being able to spend a large amount of time with my kids as adults.

We still get out and do things that are enjoyable to everyone. Granted, the things we now enjoy have changed a bit since having kids but we have fun! And we don't just sit at home and stare at each other. ;)

Original Post by bier:

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Original Post by crazyperson01:

 If you have your baby at 21 She'll be out of the house when your 39. What will you do for the next 50 years? Stay young, have a life first.

 LOL. It's not like you stop having a life when you have a kid, and it's not like you lose all purpose once they move out.

 Amen!

My kids will be (hopefully) out of the house by the time I'm 44! I get to spend middle-age and the golden years with my husband and hopefully be a young grandmother (not too young, of course). I like the idea of being able to spend a large amount of time with my kids as adults.

We still get out and do things that are enjoyable to everyone. Granted, the things we now enjoy have changed a bit since having kids but we have fun! And we don't just sit at home and stare at each other. ;)

 I'll drink to that!  We had our kids young and now we reap the benefits.  We have more money then we did then and now less responsibilities!  Like I said, it's a very personal decision, but I'm very glad I had my kids while I was young.

Or you could have had  a fun, interesting life. Your whole life is your husband. You could have wnet out, had fun, went to college, had a successful job...now you spend the enxt 40 years sitting around drinking beer and reminiscing about good times that stopped when you were 20.

I got married at 20, got pregnant 6 months later. The timing turned out okay but not ideal. I had just finished my associates and was enrolling to get my bachelors when I found out I was pregnant. So I held off for 1 year. My son was 11 months old when I enrolled in school again.

I would be lying if I said I was never stressed out. My husband has not finished his degree and I was not finished with mine when we had our son. We struggle financially, despite both working full-time. My sister-in-law watches our son during the day but it's not my ideal daycare situation ( I have many complaints despite the fact that family is watching him. I don't think it's easy to find a babysitter that will raise your child the way you want them to.) And it breaks my heart to have to drop him off there every day so she can spend 8-10 hours with him while I only get 2--sometimes less. I am in class at night so 2 nights a week I only see him for 45 minutes between work and school. It's rough. Sometimes young kids get mad at you for not being around--they will ignore you when they see you again or even be mean to you. This doesn't happen all the time, but occasionally, when there are a couple days I can't see him very long. He also will get overly attached and cry if I just walk to the bathroom (rarely). So it will definitely toy with a child's emotions if you can't be there for them.

Mind you, this is my Bachelor's. Not pre-med or med school. I know the stress is higher the higher up you go. So, just think about you and your future husband's relationship and also the well-being of that child. I wish I could spend so much more time with my son and I know that it affects him.

Also--if you are both still in school at that time, what happens when you both have to write a paper or study for a test on the same night? Who's going to watch your child then? It's hard to have a babysitter at the drop of a hat and especially not at 9:00 at night when he won't go to sleep and you have to get that project done.

This all sounds really negative. In truth, it's not so bad (but I'm also not in med school) and I'm happy with my life. But I am definitely counting down the days til my degree is done (my schooling is non-stop, no vacations) and I can breathe again and act like a human.

It just makes everything a lot more difficult. For one, I was not in school when I had my son, and I don't recommend it. Talk about stress--having him (with no other obligations) for 10 weeks nearly did me in. It also put a lot of stress on my marriage that was not there before--my husband and I both have to work alot harder to keep our relationship in good standing. If you choose not to wait til school is done, at least make sure you have both feet planted firmly on the ground, a strong relationship and lots of back-up plans (daycares, money, etc.)

listen to annkatcom. she had to get an education like you and your husband did and is your age. these other women are much odler and didn't go to shcool when they had their children.

Original Post by crazyperson01:

listen to annkatcom. she had to get an education like you and your husband did and is your age. these other women are much odler and didn't go to shcool when they had their children.

 excuse me?

Original Post by crazyperson01:

Or you could have had  a fun, interesting life. Your whole life is your husband. You could have wnet out, had fun, went to college, had a successful job...now you spend the enxt 40 years sitting around drinking beer and reminiscing about good times that stopped when you were 20.

 Oh, yeah, because suddenly you stop living when you marry and have kids??  I feel abject pity for the person who thinks that the "good times" stopped when they were 20!  And somehow, children exclude fun, interesting life, with an education or a job? 

I'm predicting you are about to get flamed.

Edited to remove words thought better of.

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Original Post by crazyperson01:

 If you have your baby at 21 She'll be out of the house when your 39. What will you do for the next 50 years? Stay young, have a life first.

 LOL. It's not like you stop having a life when you have a kid, and it's not like you lose all purpose once they move out.

right? im going on my second year of empty nest and i feel like im 20 again some days. it rocks.

i had my kids between age 25 and 30, i finished my bachelors when i was 37 thus my advice is to finish school first. life is enough of a struggle...