going back to treatment

Well, with my eating getting increasingly restrictive again and some rather serious self-injury this week, my therapist wants me back in partial hospital again.  I am not even underweight, so am having difficulty wrapping my head around this.  I know that is a potentially *good* thing as I can focus on issues as opposed to refeeding, but I'm just afraid I will be the fattest one there.

If you're restricting and self-harming you need treatment, regardless of what your body-weight is.  And you'll be the person with the 'most normal' body there ... 

BTW... just an idle question from someone that's been genuinely 'fat'... BMI 30+  When you see an overweight person in the street do you regard them with pity?, contempt?, disgust?  Would you ever be friends with a fat person?  Is being fat really the worst thing anyone can be? 

You don't need to be underweight to need help or treatment as you clearly do, if you're self-harming and restricting. The point is, if you're a danger to yourself then you'll need the supervision an inpatient facility provides regardless of your weight. Being recovered and recovering isn't just about how much you weigh but what's going on in your head, too. This isn't about appearances, either, but your health and wellbeing. And ultimately I think you know you can't possibly be fat, even if you end up among those much smaller than you physically.

BTW... just an idle question from someone that's been genuinely 'fat'... BMI 30+  When you see an overweight person in the street do you regard them with pity?, contempt?, disgust?  Would you ever be friends with a fat person?  Is being fat really the worst thing anyone can be?

(((Jane)))

I do not have any contempt, pity, or disgust towards the truly overweight.  I do have friends that are "fat".  I seem to hold these "standards" only towards myself.  It isn't really about the weight, that is just the cover and/or distraction I focus on to avoid the real issues.  It's more a matter of self-hatred and using the ED/SI as a way to punish myself.

Thanks (((lala))), I needed to hear something rational and realistic.

Original Post by eroth412:

 It isn't really about the weight, that is just the cover....

So when you said you were afraid of being the 'fattest one there' you didn't really mean that at all?  If your hospital unit was exclusively full of fat people are you saying you'd still be unhappy about going.... even though you'd be the thinnest one there?  I'm aware that you're probably finding this irritating ....   Just trying to get you to look at things differently

My guess is that if anything, I am irritating you!

It isn't about the weight.  I'd feel fat regardless of my size in comparison to the other patients.

Don't get me wrong - I've had an eating disorder for 13 years and would very much like to be done with it.  At the same time I am afraid of recovering.  Without all the symptoms I will have to do the work of figuring out who am and how to like myself.  This seems like a monstrous task, very overwhelming. 

Oh no, you're not irritating me but I wanted to cut through the 'fat' crap....     At least you're now being honest with yourself (and this board) about why you don't want to go into treatment.  

eroth, speaking as someone who suffers the same diagnosis as you i think if things are that bad then some hospital time would not be a bad idea.

i suppose it depends on how you are in hospital? i was a pain in the ****. my behaviour was brutal because i had so much going on and had nothing to do only sit n think in the locked ward. i got worse and worse and the only way i could express it was by hurting myself. outpatient life has been far more challenging, far more painful and terrifying.... this with the food and all my other probs. but i know that if i am succeeding to cope with things "out here", then i am really giving myself the best possible chance to survive. hospital is a false environment and it does not mimic the real world.

so when you are discharged it can be very hard to adjust again. if you got through this bad patch with support and outpatient treatment you might be twice as strong for it... but only you can know if you can really survive this bad patch?

Thanks (((fidget))) I always appreciate your input:)

I tend to act poorly on a general psych ward, also because there is nothing to do but sit and think.  This time, I will be a day hospital patient at an eating disorders clinic.  The days will be busy with many groups (meals/snacks too) and I go home every night to my own apartment.  It will provide daytime support (from 7am to 6:30pm) without removing me completely from society.  It will still be hard to adjust back to 'life' afterwards, but hopefully I'll be stronger and able to function on my own (without using ED/SI).

I am afraid insurance won't approve treatment and that will only confirm the thoughts that I don't deserve it and am not sick enough.  Hopefully my doctor and therapist will make a good case for the need for it.  I am so conflicted about this - I want to do it, but the ED doesn't want me to; I feel like I need it, but don't deserve it; etc.

if the day patient this is an option they DEF go for it. i did a DBT type thing for 3 months last march. its a great idea to not remove you from society coz it doesnt cut the legs from beneath you in terms of independance.

you def def def deserve help. those who dont deserve help are ppl attending treatment because parents etc want them to, and they spend their days cheating, sneaking in exercise and hiding food. YOU WANT FREEDOM, YOU WANT PEACE OF MIND. to say you dont deserve help couldnt be further from the truth. its hard work, tending to mental health is HARD work, but iv seen your posts eroth. you're insightful, and brutally honest about the way your mind works, and you know that no one person will "fix" this for you.

this is a wonderful opportunity to acknowledge that life has taken a bit of a slide, but you have the chance to start working on it before the situation becomes in need of intensive care treatment.

if you dont take this opportunity do you think truthfully that you are going to be able to get things on track alone? i dont mean that critically i actually want you to envision where you will be 6-8 weeks from tonight if you continue as you are?

I have to say I hope that your insurance does cover it, and that being offered daypatient is, as fidget has said, ideal. At my very lowest it was also what I was faced with, and though I fought tooth and nail at that time I did ever find myself going south to a point of requiring intervention it would be what I would hope for, because of that element of not entirely taking your freedom from you while still giving enough support that you're not totally on your own.

I too have seen your posts and I know you are intelligent, and want your recovery. I also know you've had a long fight thus far but you still deserve that help and to have the happiness you want. For example, do you remember this post? I copied that story onto Word and printed it out; it's now on my wall as a reminder to myself things can change if I get them and grab them head on. You can do this, too - really take your ED by the balls and show it who's in charge. You deserve this. Don't doubt that for a second.

Original Post by fidget84:

if you dont take this opportunity do you think truthfully that you are going to be able to get things on track alone? i dont mean that critically i actually want you to envision where you will be 6-8 weeks from tonight if you continue as you are?

No, I will get further off track....In 6-8 weeks I can drop a ton of weight, become totally dependent on laxatives and potentially have a heart attack from the abuse of another medication.

(((Lala)))

Thanks for reminding me about that post! It's my favorite 'story'.

I've been fretting all day, worried about the unknown.  Tomorrow I will have some more answers in terms of insurance and all that.  I just hate waiting.