Am I a bad friend?

Yesterday I went to my friend's birthday sleepover party. When I got there, she gave us all giant king-sized candy bars; everybody but me ate all of theirs. I just tucked mine away. Then we went to see a movie, and I smuggled in a Diet Coke while everyone else was eating massive amounts of popcorn. Then we had dinner, and I had a sandwich with a salad, eating all of the salad, barely any of the sandwich. Then that night when we had cake, I basically ate her entire fruit platter, but barely touched my cake and turned down ice cream. In the morning, her dad brought back chocolate donuts, and everybody had two with some Dr. Pepper; I had an orange with water.

I feel crummy because I thought about food even more than enjoying myself last night, and I'm sure everybody noticed it. I don't really want anybody to know that I count calories and all that, so I cover it up. Is it obvious? And am I being a bad friend by not just letting myself enjoy the night and focusing on food instead of a special day for my friend?

I really think I have a problem. All I think about is calories.

Not at all!  Good Heavens!  You did something that most adults aren't capable of doing-keeping focused.  You kept focused on your goals in front of ALL those temptations.  I applaud you.  I hope I can do as well at Thanksgiving!  You are NOT a bad friend.

wow, you are reaaally tough to follow through with all of that. one, congratulations for you, definitely. Are you eating ENOUGH calories, though? I can understand that the salad and orange etc might have been the only good choices throughout the party, but are you eating a more nutritious and balanced diet regularly? How many calories are you eating daily?

two, I think that there are way better ways to be a good friend besides eating junk food. I understand that it's sometimes a pain to have to "make a fuss" but with all of that junk they had around it would have been ridiculous to have to eat it all!

imo I would have had the cake just so to participate in that "special" part of the celebration but only if it was really good cake. lol.

refusing junk food = perfectly reasonable imo. concentrating on food all night to the point where you can't stay upbeat and a good sport = bad friend.

Good job!  I agree with mommakitty in that I think somewhere along the line most people would have thrown in the towel and just joined the gluttony.  If all you can think of is calories then that is what is needed to focus.  Once you lose the focus, you break and it's back to square one.  There is nothing shameful about cutting back, more people should do it.  I think that if you were to share this with your friends, they'd hopefully be supportive and it'll help to pressure you into being good!  I bet that even the thinnest models endulge from time to time but they get right back on track.  For example, I plan on enjoying the Holiday meals like normal; I'm just not going to go for seconds!  It's important to reward myself for being good and enjoying the special dinners with friends and family is part of that.  Again, good job on thwarting a possible melt-down and ditch that King-sized snickers in your pocket!  It's likely a melty mess by now anyway.  Keep us posted with your progress.

Oh, I got a more positive reply than I thought! I'm actually just maintaining right now, on about 1800-2000 calories, but pretty much the only physical activity I have is really light, around 40 minutes of walking a day, and horseback riding on the weekends. I'm thinking that maybe now that I'm not trying to lose weight, maybe I could just loosen up a little bit? I still think about food and calories a lot.

ya, i think now oyu can loosen up a bit...just make sure you keep track of your weight (dont obsess, but dont ignore it) and you will be fine.  if it makes you feel better, you can maybe up your exercise if you have time..even just things in your house lke running up and down the stairs (hmm parents may hate that but whatevv) or doing a tape.  BUT, thats not necessary if you walk 40 mins a day..its just something else you can consider doing.  great job by the way, you arent a bad friend and if she asks you why you werent being "fun" or w/e just tell her the truth-that you were trying to lose weight, and acheived that goal so now you want to make sure you stay at the healthy wegiht you are at. if shes your friend im sure shell understand.

Now, I think the question is - did you not have fun because you were concentrating on food? I think healthwise you were fine, I'm sure you didn't make a big fuss or complain, you just ate your healthy food. Not a big deal. If you DID complain, make a fuss, not have fun because food was maybe your number 1 focus, maybe you are going a little overboard. It has nothing to do with being a bad friend, but maybe if you are unable to have a good time because you're so obsessed with calories, maybe you should think about going a little more lenient on your diet or not counting - just maybe counting servings? Like so many servings of veggies, fruits, whole grains a day, etc.

You are living your life. You are not living a diet.

Out of tons of experience and mistakes, you've got to loosen up a bit.

For my sixteenth birthday party, my family (including aunts and uncles and grandparents) took me out to my favorite Asian restaurant, straight up Hibachi table.

I barely ate anything.

Before dinner, my aunt wanted me to take a bite of her stuffed mushrooms.  Not a whole mushroom, just a bite because she made them for me.  I saw that she has put cheese on them; I didn't touch them.

We got home from dinner, and my being a coffee lover, my aunt ordered a special lactose free coffee-flavored ice cream cake.

I didn't even have a bite.

At the time, I was thinking, "Well look at all of them; fat and annoying.  They can stuff their faces, but I'm thin."

Well, I hurt a lot of people that night.  And I didn't realize that till later.

I mean, having an uncontrollable binge isn't the answer.  But maybe I should've just tried a BITE of a mushroom.  Eaten a little more rice.  Had a little sliver of cake.

When your dieting begins to affect your social life in a negative way, something is wrong. 

Don't ever restrict yourself in an unhealthy way.

A doughnut in the morning is fine; maybe coffee instead of Dr. Pepper.  A tiny piece of cake, from the center to avoid excess icing.  Eating more than just a salad for dinner is totally okay.

No, you're not a bad friend.

Just loosen up  :D  We're young.

sorry i read this on the main page and it is posted in young calorie counters (i'm not young so i hope you do not mind me answering).

it sounds as if you didnt really eat the sandwich and only had the salad.  i don't know but a salad and a bite of a sandwich doesn't sound like a normal teenagers dinner to me. nor does just an orange for breakfast.

nothing wrong with just eating the fruit salad or is there in a small piece of cake.

not that i think chocolate donuts are right/healthy i just think a person should have more then an orange for breakfast.

i hope your not really underweight because thats how i ate/thought with an eating disorder.

either way it doesn't make you a bad freind!!  your just being hard on yourself if your not eating enough.   and i would think hey noticed and it seems like you are not only eating healthy but as you are counting calories and restricting.  also if you 'think' you have a problem its likely you do!  you should honestly talk to a family member...

i could be wrong bc most people thought it was fine - but the first thing i thought was an eating disorder when i read what you wrote..

i agree w/ the last post, it has nothing to do with what type of friend you are, but more with what it says about your relationship w/ food.  nothing should  be restricted in a balnced diet, nothing is off limits, everything in moderation especially at a party.  i think you need to evaluate how you feel about your eating behavior and if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

Your friendship should not be determined by what you eat!

It is wrong for any one to expect people to eat what they tell them to!

Your friends have no right to dictate what or how you eat, and if they get angry at you for not having a junk fest with them, then THEY are the bad friends NOT you!

Eating is a personal choice - you have the right to eat how ever and whatever you want.

Don’t hide your beliefs - just be honest about what you eat and what you believe, it is no less then talking about your favorite color or artist - it is just personal preference/choice.

If a friend bakes you a birthday cake, then yes, it would be polite to have a small slice because she went to some effort to make it for you!

Also, from experience, try not to let food dominate your life, it is GREAT you would rather make healthy choices then shove doughnuts and chocolate down all day, but try and make your choices natural, eat when you need to eat, enjoy the food, and try not too think about food again until you are hungry.

Just do what you need to do, and don’t think about other people, or how you should act in their company.

You only have to be yourself, and eat and dress how you please! Your friends don’t tell you how to dress so why should they tell you what to eat!

Personally, I do not eat processed food, and I would not enjoy eating a huge chocolate bar, chocolate doughnuts, and that stuff.

If you feel like a normal sized piece of cake you shouldn’t feel guilty though - don’t take things to the extreme, and have treats when you truly feel like them, it is bad to deprive yourself of occasional treats!

I'm not at all trying to say you have an eating disorder, but i do see some similarities between your thoughts, and the kind of thoughts I had when I was suffering from an ED. I would constantly think about calories, and add them up in my head, plan out what I was going to eat and what I was NOT going to eat, to the point that I had trouble focusing in class or on social situations. Also the fact that you said you tried to "cover up" that you weren't eating sounds a little worrisome. If you are being healthy, you have no reason to be ashamed. And the idea that people are watching you eat, or the feeling of not wanting your eating habits noticed by others definitely are reminiscent of an ed...

It sounds like over the course of about 24 hours (though I don't know what your lunch was) you ate nothing but fruit and salad... if this is true I think this is something to worry about more than being a bad friend. But if you are really eating around 2000 calories a day, and not avoiding calories just avoiding junk food, then power to you and I applaud your self control.

Ok, thanks guys. I really think I have a problem with eating, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I eat a lot in a day and I don't purge or binge, but I just definitely have a bad relationship with food.

I don't really want my friends to know that I count calories, because I'm embarrased for them to know. It's not fear that they'd haul me off to an eating disorder clinic, it's more like...one of those things like you want everybody to think you are carefree and worry-free. I did actually eat during the day before the party (which started around 5:00 PM) and the first thing I did when I got home (around 10:00 AM the next day) was eat a full breakfast.

It can't be good that I'm so young and I care about these things. I want to stop caring.

Congradulations that you know yourself so well and can idenify a problem. You must be a very unique and special person. I think if I were you I would talk to a parent or teacher - what ever adult you trust.

Making food choices is very importaint  thing (took me 50 years to learn that lol) but you need to allow your self a holiday sometimes too. Have a small piece of cake today won't make up gain weight. Eat cake everyday --- you will be sorry.

Do you keep a food log? When you know you have a party or somethings like Thanksgiving coming up and plan for it in your log. 

I am proud of you for reaching out

Hey!

Just to start off, I generally don't post on CC anymore and haven't used the site to count calories for about three months... but when I happened to read your post it really stood out to me because it reminded me of the exact same issues I had over the summer.

I lost a lot of weight this summer, generally in a "healthy" but obsessive manner. I always ate the required 1,500 calories, but I thought about food nonstop. I looked at food blogs, I read labels, I surfed the CC forums, and I planned out my meals.

When I went out with friends I thought so much about food and what I "could" eat...it began to control my time and really ended up making me unhappy.

When I would let go and eat like the rest of my friends, afterwards I would feel disgusting and overweight.

My problem was finding a healthy medium. In the end, the only way I could solve this issue was ending my use of CC. I know that it's a great tool for thousands of people, but the calorie counting just got too obsessive for me.

Now I haven't counted for three months and have built a really healthy relationship with food...I eat when I'm hungry whatever I want and am not afraid of a small amount of sweets. And the best thing is, I only gained 4 pounds (which I probably needed) and now I'm at a steady weight. Sometimes I still have negative food thoughts, but I just remind myself to listen to my body. I don't eat for others, but I do eat for myself, and I recognize that sometimes I DO want something sweet.

My point is this: You'll feel a lot happier if you stop thinking about food constantly and just enjoy your time. A small piece of cake will not hurt. Even a big piece won't, as long as you don't make it a habit.

Good luck!

If I were you I would be very careful, because this is the sort of thing I did when I was eating disordered. Even on my own birthday, all I ate was a salad.

Allow yourself to indulge a little bit every once in a while, because otherwise you'll be at more risk of developing an eating disorder or binging.

If you losen up just a bit though, I'm sure you will be fine. [I'm not saying just eat whatever you want all the time, but don't worry about calories too much]