bad day..

today is not a good day.

i cannot eat like a normal person.

i either stuff myself silly.

or i can't eat.

i can't eat in front of people.

i hate myself.

what is the point of life if it's going to be this never-ending cycle?

in a couple weeks i have an appt. with a psychiatrist.

it's the one hope i'm clinging to that i may have a chance

at salvaging myself.

today is not a good day.

i suck at life.

Never ending circles really are horrible, self destructive and do nothing for your confidence. To be able to atleast eat slightly normally you need to identify a routine of when you need to at for example make time for breakfast in the morning even if you arent hungry make sure you have atleast a little something because this may be the prevention to stop you from overeating later. Ive always found that whenever im hungry protein is key, I can eat a large piece of salmon fish and a salad with a little dressing and be satisfied with that. You need to find out what found pleases you if you love eating fruit then EAT it. Specially since summer is coming up fruit is so ripe and refreshing in this hot weather. Never ever skip meals because that is when you will become ravenous and want to eat everything in sight because your body feels deprived of food.

I have to say that you have taken the first step towards breaking this circle by making an appointment with a psychiatrist and being able to admit that yes you do have some unhealthy issues at the minute but you really are willing to solve these issues.  Maybe even write a meal plan out of what you want to eat the next day and try to make sure you include food to your life and no matter how busy you are make time to eat.

EDIT: I used to be exactly the same with the not being able to eat infront of others issue. It wasnt until I actually ate infront of others and looked around me that I realised nobody was looking at me because in reality they didnt care. Baby steps, start off by eating little amounts infront of people then build up.

what i hate the most is how much stress and sadness my issues have put on my family.  they are such wonderful people and i don't deserve to be a part of them.  they don't deserve to have to deal with me and my ridiculousness...

Your family just want to see you happy and well, never feel guilty. You need to concentrate on you right now and go to that psychiatrist appointment ready to make a change in your life for yourself. You arent ridiculas at all you have problems that is nothing to be sneered at if anything you should be congradulated for having the guts to make that appointment!

musicalfish- i am ashamed to admit (because i had been doing so well for so long) that i am at the same point you are.  i have gone down a self destructive path of binging and then eating normal then restricting then eating normal then restricting then binging, etc. its been two months now and it's been hell. i wish i could go back to when i was healthy and felt great. now i have gained weight and hate myself for that.  at least you've taken a step in the right direction...i can not see a psychiatrist so i am fighting this battle on my own.  working out seems to help a lot

wow you typed out how i feel about myself. :[

You sound just like me :( I hope the psychiatrist can help you.