Bad Relationship?

Have ya'll ever been in one of those relationships where everything is GREAT at first, but then when problems come up- the other person just ignores everything?

My boyfriend of 2 years and I have been fighting a lot lately. But he refuses to "talk" to me about anything. I found out he's had this girl (whom he used to have the HOTTS for) staying the night on his couch a lot, and she's always talking and texting him. I heard (not sure) that he's cheated on me, and I do know he's done things like get naked and run around neighborhoods drunk before, that he never told me.

But when I approach him- he freaks out on me. Wont talk. He even kicked me out of his house because he felt "trapped"- the next day he told me that. I feel so hurt, and so betrayed and he won't even talk to me about it.

If we ever do start to talk he just pulls out the guns and starts claiming that I'M doing this and that behind his back!

It usually ends up an insult fight and nothing gets solved.

I just don't know how to get on the right track with someone who won't open the lines of communication.

Its always, we cant talk now. I'm with so and so, I'm doing this or that, and it is just really disheartening.

I don't know what to do.

Bad relationship? Maybe it should end.

If you can't communicate, that's a huge problem.  He's sounds like he's not worth your time.  I'm sorry.  :-\

Thats what everyone seems to be saying. We've been together so long that I think maybe I'm just afraid to leave him. I've always thought we were "soul-mates" and I'm afraid I'll be leaving the one I'm supposed to spend my life with.

Great at first and then tanking whenever there are problems or issues and blaming any problems and issues on the person who wanted to talk...sounds like the typical you both wanted it while it was easy, then had different needs and expectations.  Not unusual, but probably not where you want to be.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on hold while he's off doing whatever he wants to with whomever he wants to?

You're not satisfied and he won't talk.  If he wants to talk at some point, he knows where to find you, but until he wants to you can't make him.  Be done, get over him, go on with your life.  You may or may not find a soulmate or several soulmates throughout your life, but you don't sound happy now and it doesn't look like happy is on your current horizon.

Everyone has qualities and attributes that we like. Sometimes people endure the bad because the good ones are worth keeping. They've invested so much time in someone they stay together. That way there is no loss on either side since ... hey ... there are good parts...good memories.. ect.

 I suggest you think about it with an open mind. Couples stay together and make it work all the time. That doesn't mean they're happy or that it's meant to be though. I think he only serves as a distraction from finding a mutually fulfilling relationship.

 A problem has to be honestly out in the open before it can be fixed. I think you should move on since he's unwilling to communicate with you.

Ask yourself this serious question: "Do I really want to be with him if that means everything remains the same?"

I suggest that you tell him what you deserve from this relationship at this point. Tell him exactly how you feel it needs to be because you aren't some random female. Then tell him that if he can't give you what you deserve than you're moving on... He can contact you in the future if and when he's ready to give what you need... if you're still available at that point of time.

( Personally... I wouldn't give him any more opportunities to talk because all he's done is disrespect you. Over and over. That's ridiculous. )

Get out as fast as you can and don't waste any more time. Nothing you've said above indicates he is even very nice to you.

If all of your friends are telling you to dump him or quit the relationship, take that as more than a hint.

Thanks you guys. You are all right. Its just that he seems like he loves me. But words arent everything right?

Here's our recent convo.

I'm bold:
"I've been trying to talk to you and you told me to leave. That hurt me."

"Bear I love you. I just hate dealing with this ****"

Me: "Jerod, if you love me don't you want to talk to me and try to make me happy?"

"I do bear. But I don't see besides no money how I don't keep you happy. And no. What the F. This $#% is so gay. A year ago I was saying the exact same #$@ to you"

"Maybe your just not ready for the level of commitment I'm looking for. Maybe we should take a few steps back. Then you can play around. [She] can do whatever and you don't have to worry about me"

"I dont know what to say right now. I love you. Get [girl that slept over] out of ur head that @$# is dumb. I love you."

"You don't want to work things out. You don't want to talk. Thats all part of a relationship. And you dont want to deal with it. If we can talk face to face about things then we can fix it. Until then I don't know."

nothing...

"?"


"Fine"

He refuses to talk face to face. He wants me to swallow the issue and everything will be fine until the next time. When the same thing happens.

:o( I guess the hardest part is finding out how to let go. And I suppose its time.

 

I think you were direct enough in your recent coversation with him. The smallest action means more than a thousand words. He's using ( I love you) and ( endearments ) against you. It's a ploy.

 

The only part of his conversation that I think may actually hold relevance is  "A year ago I was saying the exact same #$@ to you" Are you a flirt with other guys and it bothers him? Past/ or Present? He may be trying to get you to acknowledge something you do that bothers him. Some people try to perform payback for past transgressions years later. That may be a key sign that he wants compromise, acknowledgment of the past,or nothing. Some people think it's only fair you swallow whatever they've done... If they feel that you do or did something equally wrong.

I used to live in a different town and went to a University. I would go out and party with my roommies and he HATED it. But I moved across the state and transferred universities and now I don't go out at all. I used to have a lot of guy friends and it bothered him, but I never did anything behind his back. It was all very strait forward. Like, "I'm going out to ___ tonight." I would txt him the whole time and call him when I got home.

He is very insecure. I've never been really insecure before, but I am now... because he doesn't tell me things and I hear them through 3rd parties and when I ask him he doesn't deny he just gets mad that I'm asking and refuses to talk.

He does use the "bear" and the I love you's to try to get me to just forget it and just "be happy."

It seems bad doesn't it?

from the outside

No advice for you (I did message you) but if you find out a sure fire way to let go....please share :)

 

There is a difference between "comfort" and "love" right?

Yes....yes there is!

I think that with true love comes a comfort....but just because you are comfortable doesn't mean it is love.

It sounds like, to me, he is cheating on you. If you have suspicions, people are telling you is... and he gets that defensive when you ask him... I'd say something's up.

I'd get out if I were you.

Original Post by kankan213:

There is a difference between "comfort" and "love" right?

 I don't think you're within a comfortable relationship at all.

A guy that attacks you like that for asking certain question usually suggest he is hiding something from you. I would let him go.He is not worth it.Relationships are all about communication and trust, once thats gone so is the point of being in a relationship.Good luck to you.

Original Post by kankan213:

There is a difference between "comfort" and "love" right?

 Yes there is a big difference. There are women who stay in abusive relationships physically and mentally because they are comfortable with that person(Usually have been with that person a very long time and have kids with them) . They usually are degraded by that person and brainwashed thinking they can not find anyone else. Your young and only have been with your guy for two years get out while you can.No need to take his bull ****.

In my book actions speak louder than words! A guy will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear to keep you off his back or just to get you into bed, it's easy to say "I love you" especially if they think it'll cut them some slack, but they need to back it up with actions that prove it, his actions are proving something and it ain't love!

You need to get out of this.....

Original Post by kankan213:

 

He is very insecure. I've never been really insecure before, but I am now... because he doesn't tell me things and I hear them through 3rd parties and when I ask him he doesn't deny he just gets mad that I'm asking and refuses to talk.

Life is too short to spend time with people that play with your head and make you feel bad about yourself.

yup he sounds like an idiot who is playing around (and even if he wasnt, he sounds like an idiot).

Find someone worth your time.... he has a lot of growing up to do (and a lot of people simply dont grow up).

I don't know, I'm getting red flags off this guy.

Sounds like he could become a danger to you emotionally or physically. His insecurity, jealousy, secrecy, not wanting to talk, it all just makes me wonder what he's hiding and what could happen to you.

Regardless, sounds to me like you could do better.

Honestly, he sounds awful and very familiar! You are way too young to continue with this crap. Go be free with your friends and enjoy life.  Have fun, grow, learn and "the one" will find you. I went through all that drama even younger than you, where I thought he was my soul mate and I couldn't go on without him, even though ALL the SIGNS were there that I needed to stay away. Everyone goes through the feeling you're having but, it sounds like you are wasting your time and he's obviously acting innappropriate and immature.