becoming an avid binger... advice/help pleasee?
ahh. this is ridiculous. i started cc about 3 or 4 weeks ago. i also started a fairly strict diet, the blood type diet (i'm a type a, mostly vegetarian, don't eat wheat, white flour, dairy, lots of other stuff), not necessarily to loose weight, but just to be healthy, and exercising routinely. i've reaaaally been enjoying eating so healthy, watching the quantity of food i eat, exercising about 5 times a week, etc. i'm in college and don't have a kitchen or anything, and i just keep a small amount of really healthy snacks in my dorm room, then go to the cafeteria to eat (never much of a selection for my diet). i've been trying to stay around 1200 cals a day, but usually going over when i do a lot of cardio that day. my body has been feeling great, but slowly i've started having signs of binging more and more. whenever i am somewhere besides school, like visiting friends at another college one weekend, or at home this weekend, where i have access to lots of food, and treats i don't usually get, i tend to binge. even in my dorm room lately, i'll start eating just a bite or two of my rice dream ice cream, and suddenly the pint is gone, or get a handful of walnuts and raisins, then another and another and another. tonight i made a healthy, delicious meal of rice, beans, and tofu, with a salad, and put away half of it for tomorrow. i went back to the fridge, finished off the 2 other servings, then drank a glass of water thinking it would help, then ate a bunch of frozen cherries, ate almost half a bag of ghiradeli daaark chocolate pieces, made a peanut butter, jelly, and yogurt smoothie, ate more chocolate, ate some tortilla chips, handfuls of grapes, and just shoved a bunch of fresh spinach with salad dressing in my mouth. after all that i even started trying to make myself throw-up, and thats when i got kinda scared.
i'm not sure whats wrong. i haven't ever really had this problem in the past, i've been known to eat a lot of food i guess, but never this intensely or unconsciously. i don't even know what i'm doing, don't feel the time pass or don't realize all i'm putting in my mouth, just have this urge to keep eating.
i guess it's possible i'm not eating enough and my body's trying to make up for it, but today i definitely was at 1200 or more before i started binging, and didn't exercise at all.
maybe it's also possible that the control stuff is getting to my head, and i'm just trying to rebel... i really realllly like having a really healthy diet and being in the best shape possible... but maybe i'm getting too deep in the control thing? i don't know how to find a balance.
i don't want to be bulimic or get deep into binging, it is sooo against my normal ideaology. i'm such a laid-back, easy-going person, but i sort of have this secret perfectionist side, and i'm afraid of what that could bring out.
gah. and i'm going to see my boyfriend (who i haven't seen in months) next week, and of course want to look good for him... while binging i told myself i would just fast for the next week... ?!??
i have never in my life been this body conscious i don't think. and its when i am healthier than i have been in a while. i don't know what to do. i loooove being so healthy and the way my body feels so good after a day of exercising and controlled amounts of food, but is that putting pressure i can't handle on myself?
gah. i don't know what to do. and it just makes me want to eat more. either eat more, or try to throw up again.
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