Can you believe she said that to me?

Monday this week, lucky to get a rare break for lunch, my girlfriend and I take the opportunity to eat out of the office.  We make light conversation as we head out to the local restaurant complex across the street and we try to decide where to eat.  She wanted to go to some place different because she was trying to eat lighter and watch her weight.  

I suggest a fast food Mexican restaurant as we pass by and she agrees. After we get our food we seat ourselves and start to catch up.  It’s been awhile since we’ve been out to lunch so there was general conversation around work and the kids and husbands.  Suddenly, the conversation turns and she looks serious and cautiously asks if she can share an observation she’s had about me.  I know it must be bad because she keeps saying that if I feel it’s too personal or if she’s stepping over a line I can tell her to stop.  Honestly, at this point, I have NO IDEA what is coming.  You know how your mind begins to race, I’m thinking as she’s still talking, “What is this going to be about…my recent marriage, my attitude at work?”  I resolve myself to the fact that whatever it is I’ll accept the feedback and consider it seriously since I know she’s genuinely concerned for my welfare. As I finish this thought I notice she’s still hedging so I encourage her to just share what she’s thinking. 

She begins, “I’ve noticed you’ve gained a lot of weight in the past year, just since you’ve been married”.  I am painfully aware now of the nacho chip heaping with fixings’ and      dripping queso at my lips.  I hear this voice in my head scream, “OH DEAR GOD”, not in vain but as an actual prayer and then I think, “Can anyone else hear her? Is this an intervention?  Has it really come to this?”  Now my mind is really racing but I can still hear her talking… “I know how the pounds can creep up on you and you might start to think about what you’re doing differently that’s caused you to gain the weight before it gets worse”.  I am feverishly thinking of responses.  Doesn’t she know I’ve been struggling with this for the past year?  That I am no longer able to fit in my clothes, no longer comfortable in public settings because of how uncomfortable I am in my own skin, no longer feeling sexy for my husband?  Then I realize, I’ve not stopped eating.  As this whole scenario plays out I’m still tearing down this mountain of nachos and then it hits me, “Who would know that I’m aware of my weight issue?”  How ironic I’m preparing a response that explains how much I’m struggling with my weight as I’m eating something that’s so obviously part of the problem?

There is a break in the conversion as she gives me an opportunity to respond.  As ridiculous as it sounds I do continue with my explanation of struggle with the weight gain and feeling powerless to change either my eating habits or activity levels.  I’ve always struggled with my weight but at least in the past I’ve experienced success without weight loss programs or diet pills.  I lost 30 lbs, getting down to 127 lbs when I was 25 through exercise and diet changes.  I had my son when I was 27 and gained it all back and more, topping out at 200 lbs when I delivered but I managed to get back down to 160 lbs through exercise and diet again but never could get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Then, a year ago, I got remarried and I started cooking meals, a first for me, and watching TV in the evening with the family; in summary, more food, less activity and I’m back to 200 lbs without the baby! I’m sure some of you have had similar experiences and might have responded in different ways but this was a real wake up call.  I know my friend spoke the truth and it was really out of concern for me so I felt absolutely no contempt for her.  However, I think she effectively murdered the voice in my head that use to tell me, “Just get chicken on those nachos instead of beef, that’s healthy!” 

So here I am, day three since the lunch meeting. I guess if I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that I know myself and I know what works for me so I’ve got to start extreme and moderate later.  I’m starting with a three month plan.   I’ve cut out any products high in fat and I’ll substitute with no fat or eliminate all together – that means fat free or no cheese, low carb or no bread, wheat or no pasta.  I’m drinking water exclusively and MORE OF IT (at least 64oz a day), taking a women’s multi-vitamin, cutting out fatty meats and eating only lean – chicken or lean beef.   No fries or potatoes or corn, increasing the amount of green vegetables (lettuce, salads with no-fat dressing or drizzle if fatty and green beans, zucchini, squash, etc.)  I’m not eating past 7pm.  No sweets- I’ve become addicted to GUMMIES so this will be hard for me!  I’ve substituted a couple scoops of chocolate frozen whipped cream when I’m desperate.  I’ll attempt sit ups every evening but I’ll incorporate more exercise once I get a handle on the eating habits.

Let me know if you have any other suggestions or just want to comment.  Stay strong!

I can imagine how bad you felt but sometimes we just need someone to point out what we already know! For me, the 2 times I lost weight (50 and 30 lbs) was after seeing pictures of myself and feeling disgusted by the way I looked! Looking back, I'm so happy that I got that wake-up call...

Good luck on your journey! Don't give up and be patient, you'll get there!

Sounds like a rough wake up call!  Even if you know something yourself, it is always harder to hear it from someone else.  It looks like a lot of the changes you plan to make will be positive, but I'm a little concerned about 2 things: 

1) why start out extreme?  I think you'll find it easier to stick with the changes if you make one (or a few) at a time, instead of everything all at once.

2) don't cut out all of your fat.  Focus on getting healthy fats - it's ok to switch to chicken and lean beef, and some reduced fat dairy products (milk, cheese, yogurt), but your body does need some fat.  From your plan, it doesn't sound like your intent is to eat zero fat, but wanted to throw that out there in case it is.

On top of that, I would definitely encourage you to be a bit more active - talk a walk around the block, go for a bike ride, go swimming - just try to get moving a bit more and then you can build from there.  Congratulations on starting to make the changes!

Original Post by debizonline1:

So here I am, day three since the lunch meeting. I guess if I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that I know myself and I know what works for me so I’ve got to start extreme and moderate later.  I’m starting with a three month plan.   I’ve cut out any products high in fat and I’ll substitute with no fat or eliminate all together – that means fat free or no cheese, low carb or no bread, wheat or no pasta.  I’m drinking water exclusively and MORE OF IT (at least 64oz a day), taking a women’s multi-vitamin, cutting out fatty meats and eating only lean – chicken or lean beef.   No fries or potatoes or corn, increasing the amount of green vegetables (lettuce, salads with no-fat dressing or drizzle if fatty and green beans, zucchini, squash, etc.)  I’m not eating past 7pm.  No sweets- I’ve become addicted to GUMMIES so this will be hard for me!  I’ve substituted a couple scoops of chocolate frozen whipped cream when I’m desperate.  I’ll attempt sit ups every evening but I’ll incorporate more exercise once I get a handle on the eating habits.

Firstly, I want to commend you for ability to hear constructive feedback without lashing out -- few of us (me!) are able to do that.  And also, your ability to laugh at your own foibles, in my experience that is a godsend in any effort to change my lifestyle.

I always hesitate to offer advice to anyone about weight loss since everyone is so different, and acute awareness of pots calling kettles black syndrome, but here is what is working for me (3 months on CC, 6 months of lifestyle modification).

1. I avoid all or nothing thinking and complete elimination of "bad" foods if by "bad" you mean high calorie.  I have tried to eliminate all foods that contain trans fat or a lengthy list of hard to pronounce ingredients.  For example, as a treat I might make a batch of guacamole from avocados, white onions, and peppers and enjoy every decadent, high-fat, high-calorie bite if I can squeeze it into my daily calorie count.  I would avoid buying some "green" dip that alleges it is guacamole but is shelf stable and avocados aren't the primary ingredient.
2. I found some activities that qualify as exercise that I really enjoy, and I do something for at least 30 minutes each day above "normal" living.  Not so much because it burns calories, but because it makes me feel better and happier -- and that helps me lose weight.
3. I read all the advice here on CC, including any Ask Mary archives, for moral and practical support.  I especially enjoy the success stories.
4. I make no change in my lifestyle that I can't envision maintaining for the rest of my life (happily).  Except of course the 500 calorie deficit that won't be necessary once I am at goal weight.
5. I celebrate each success no matter how small.   I try to learn from each failure, and no matter how big, move on. 
6. I allow myself "special treats" on occasion, but have limited the number of "special occasions" I allow myself.
7. I only eat when I am physically hungry, and only eat foods that feed me nutritionally, spiritually, and intellectually.  If someone offers me a high-calorie food that I don't want/need I don't eat it.  Period.
8. I don't worry about how far away my goal is because I am enjoying the journey, and in fact, will always be on the road to being as healthy and happy as I can, so there is really no end-point.

Good luck with your journey.  Sorry for the book!

I think you and your gf have a very good relationship. The fact that she could talk to you about her concerns and that you didn't flip out really shows how well you two communicate.

That being said I hope more people read this post so that when they hear something like this they take it to heart and not binge later in shame.

Good for you...you can do it! Since she's trying to lose and you are too, it's another way for you 2 to bond.

The advise from all is really good too.

I'm amazed that you responded so well!

I concur with the other posts who advocate a more gradual change.  I'd start off by logging every thing that you eat before you actually eat it.  Sometimes just realizing how many calories are in your selection may make you change your mind.

As you make stuff, be aware of the overall calorie count and the nutritional properties.  You do need fat in your diet, just preferrably the fats from nuts and fish rather than hamburger and cheese.  I've often found that substituting for low or no fat products is counterproductive as I'll eat more and the calorie count is very similar or the suger content is higher.

Even just doubling the number of fruits and veggies that you eat as snacks can make a major change.

I found that I did want to include a number of my favorite treats but sometimes I found a lower calorie substitute that I like just as much and other times I just exercised more or wrote off the day for breaking even.

I have to assume that you guys are pretty close for her to say that.  I would only say such things to close family/friends. 

But, it definitely is a wake-up call.  The first thing that caught my attention in your post was the suggestion of a Mexican fast-food restaurant.  Eating out is one of the main stumbling blocks for many people.  In such places as you chose, there is little there that could be considered healthy, and nothing much at all for someone like me, that has to watch everything I eat. 

I never eat lunch out, unless there is a special birthday luncheon for one of my co-workers.  And even then, I'm just there for the company - I don't order.  I bring my lunch every single day - grilled chicken, a salad, or a wrap...low fat and low calorie.  I go to the gym for my lunch break and do a 30 min cardio workout, and eat at my desk later.  I also do a couple of full-body workouts a week...and I run a couple-three times a week...not as much in the summer heat right now.  I eat only a small snack for dinner, and often not even that, if I am not hungry.  I've found I don't need that evening meal...but I never skip breakfast - usually steel-cut oatmeal (which I have grown to LOVE!) or eggbeaters, or yogurt with Kashi.  I can not eat large meals - no room; so several small snacks throughout the day is what works for me.  Also I journal everything I eat during the day - even if only mentally.

I lost my weight (60 pounds) 7 years ago, and I've been successful at keeping it off by maintaining this routine.  Hope some of this helps you. Good luck!

It really is hard to wake up to the fact that it's not just you - everyone else can see the weight.  That's the hardest part for me.  I think that's why seeing pictures makes a lot of people diet.  It's the view that other have of you.

What got me to be serious about regaining my health was seeing a photo of me...I already knew my clothes didn't fit and I felt bad, but seeing what everyone else was already seeing was my wake-up..  Now I keep that photo up where I see it daily for motivation.  You are lucky to have such a compassionate friend!

I concur with other posters that you will be more successful if you go slower and make a series of small changes you can keep for the rest of your life.    I heard this many times, but only just took it to heart.  Your body will thank you for it!  It's not such an all-consuming struggle for me this time and since I am more relaxed about the whole thing, the pounds, while coming off slower, ARE coming off, and easier, too.  Of course, I exercise every day by walking at least 30 minutes, also weights 2x week.  I just made it an obligation I had to keep, like doing the laundry or brushing my teeth.  Now I look forward to MY time everyday. 

I think it is cool that you have a freind that cares about you enough that she wanted to talk to you and see if you're OK.  And now that it's not this secret thing you are battling - you have someone supportive in your life who wants to see you succeed!  It took a lot of courage for her to tell you that, and it too a lot of strength of character for you to listen and understand that she was not trying to be hurtful.

I wish I'd had a freind pull me aside when my weight started going up and up and up.  Despite the fact that none of my clothes fit, the needle on the scale was off the charts, and I had started buying maternity clothes to try and conceal my ever-growing stomach, I STILL somehow thought the only one who knew was me. I thought that by hiding under big loose clothes and layers I had everyone fooled into thinking I was'nt overweight.  Then I had to be in a videoconference a few months ago and had to look at myself in one of the monitors for an hour, seeing what the other people were seeing.  I was mortified. I had NO IDEA I looked that big.  It was a harsh wake-up call for me, and I started getting serious about getting back into shape & back to a weight that I feel comfortable in.

In your last paragraph you say "I know myself and I know what works for me so I’ve got to start extreme and moderate later."   If that's how you feel, then you are probably right.  Do whatever feels best for you.  The changes you describe for your plan are very black and white - there's a lot of "no" in your plan.  I know I personally would find that way too hard to stick to for very long.  It's amazing how tantalizing foods can become if I tell myself I can't have them!  Just make sure that you leave a little wiggle room for a treat once in a while, otherwise you could be setting yourself up to "fail".  Your body is not your enemy - the whole point of making healthy choices is to feel better in your own skin and be happier. Be kind to yourself and know that in the path to your goals you will propably have some really good days and some days where you fall off the wagon .. don't dwell on it if it happens.  Slow and steady wins the race.

PS - I also LOVE gummies but I've cut out eating candy most of the time.  The way I get my gummy fix is I have a bottle of gummy vitamins, so I have a couple of those in the morning when I am taking my other supplements.  I also take viavtiv calcium, which are yummy choclate candies -- a great way to sneak some candy in the mix without feeling guilty!

I think your girl friend is a GOOD friend. she cares about you so don't feel bad. a bad friend would have comments on your weight BEHIND your back. 

congratulations on starting a healthy life style. you need this for YOU and your family. 

Best of luck.

You have a really good friend, keep her close to you.

As stated above do not make major changes at first to take foods away.  Add things to your meal plan like drinking the extra water and adding fruits and veggies, healthy fats, whole grains and lean proteins.

If you change your way of eating to drastically you set yourself up for failure.  By adding healthy items you are making starting good habits that will last a life time.

Your body needs healthy fats, so please do not go all fat free.

Hi all, not sure if you can still see this post but it's been a month since that Monday Lunch Meeting (6/30) and I'm down to 188.9!!!!  I've lost almost a full 10 lbs!!!! YEA!!!!  Praise God!!  I couldn't have done it without HIM for sure.. Thanks for all your encouraging words!  I really appreciate everything you said and all the support you gave!