Beraking news to my wife....Help

Hey there...I have been searching for sincere people on the web and this place looks like a place I am not going to get bogus replies.....So here goes...

I am not a shallow person, I love my wife deeply and know that beauty is only skin deep. She is a great person to converse with and to be around. Our relationship is great and we are each others bestfriend, secretkeeper, lover, counselor, etc....We have what most marriages don't....

I myself am 5'11" and around 185....I have a little fat that I would like to get rid of myself so I know this is a two way street.I would prefer to be around 165. So I try to play a little tennis, canoe, swim and hike....I am a outdoor person by nature...I just don't get out as much as I need.

God Blessed our family with two beautiful kids and I know that the extra weight is difficult if not impossible to lose...And she has had a difficult time with depression ever since our first...We both agree that it is a genetic (Her mother) and hormonal changes after the baby...So that adds a little bit of sensitivity when approaching her with this.

The thing is that many of her cloths don't fit anymore and she refuses to go up to a larger size. Her work clothes don't look as professional as they should. And she still feels "OK" with wearing clothes that are not too appropriate for a mother to be wearing with an extra 45 pounds or so (She got upset at the scale and threw it away saying it was broken).

This is where I have to bear my soul...Even though I love her to death...I really miss when she was a size 8...I know that a size 8 after two kids is asking alot but right now she in a tight 16. My desire for sex has suffered and that strains our marriage a bit.  Her weight is affecting her depression a lot and I don't know how to tell her that I think it might be a good idea to lose weight.

I do all the shopping, so I buy LOTS of fruits, veggies, chicken and pork. I really try to limit the red meat and fats. But she always says there is nothing to eat in the house. Many times she will bring pizza home for dinner or beg to go out and eat. I have tried to invite her to go on easy hikes or out to play lite tennis but she will only participate on rare occasions, because it exhausts her.

Basically I am concerned about her activity level, health, self-image and yes my sexual activity. I really miss my 5' 9" size 8, energetic, HAPPY wife from 10 years back.

Any adive on how to approach her on this subject...No one likes to be told they are getting a little overweight and I want to approach this subject before her weightloss "seems" overwhelming and impossible.

Thanks.

I know that you care about your wife and are concerned for her BUT... you can't make her change.  She has to do it all on her own. 

Perhaps tell her as eloquently and kindly as you have told us? She may need to see someone about depression, unfortunately sometimes anti-depressants can also contribute to weight gain.

If you come from a deeply loving, but honest position with no anger or blame, but tell her how you feel, she may feel comfortable enough to open up about her opinions on the subject.

It's ok to be honest, if you are kind and offer solutions instead of blame. If she doesn't want to hear it, continue to do the right things and be there for her when she does 'hit bottom' as many of us here, on this site, have done.

Good luck.

I'd love to help, but, no one likes to be told they're fat.  I can understand how you miss her size 8 body, but, I can't offer you any advice.

I think what HK says has a lot of truth.

What hkellick said.

In the meantime, don't just buy the groceries; make sure they are easy to eat. Personally, I hate to cut up fruit and veggies (so I buy baby carrots, baby carrots, and blueberries), so I don't. Maybe she doesn't like to, either. I like quick foods. Maybe she does, too. And maybe instead of making sure there are no "goodies" in the house, you can introduce ones that can fit easily into any diet plan -- for your diet plan, that is, since you mentioned that you want to lose weight. Skinny Cow Fudge Bars, Frappucino bars, pudding cups all fit the bill.

I wish you well on your quest to lose 20 pounds.

My fiance use to tell me the same thing and I use to HATE hearing it from him so he stopped.  One day, his friend was drunk and started telling him "omg i didnt know your gf was so fat!" I saw how hurt and upset he was and I decided to lose weight.

The point is no matter what you say she won't listen to you. She's already upset and by you telling her that she's on the big side probably makes her more upset. Try to do it in a positive way. Tell her she looks beautiful and this and that. Ask her to go for a nice walk after dinner and then gradually she'll lose weight and comment on how good she looks and she will get tht motivation.

I hope that helps. :-/

Buy her a new outfit--even a sexy nighty, get her a massage and/or pedicure.  Make her feel sexy and she will want to be sexy for you.

I'd agree- NOBODY likes to hear they are fat. If she brings it up, you should be honest in how you feel, but only if she mentions she's unhappy with her body and wants to do something about it. Offer suggestions or be her moral support.

There are a lot of great tools out there- this web site is a good one, weight watchers, and many others you can suggest at that point. But it is important that she is ready. She can't lose weight because you want her to.

Good luck- and all the best to your wife.

I can safely say that I was in her shoes not all that long ago.  I was just thinking about this earlier today, actually.

Depression controlled my life since I was a teen.   Because I was so singularly focused on how awful I was feeling inside, it really didn't matter to me what I looked like on the outside.  Well, it mattered when my feelings were hurt, but I thought it was out of my control to fix it (or that I didn't have the drive or determination it would take to reach any goal).

It's a very tricky subject to bring up to someone, and I don't know that she would take any comments on her weight as anything but an attack.   I think that before she can really begin to take an interest in her body, she's going to have to work on the depression first.   Your love and support can make a world of difference.   Do what you can to help bolster her self image.  

God bless him...my boyfriend never asked me to lose weight.  He loves me the way I am and compliments me constantly.   I feel REALLY good on the inside, but I kept insulting myself.   I realized what a downer I was being and decided I wanted to lose weight to feel better about myself.  Mind you, this didn't happen overnight.  It took me time to come to this conclusion, but with so much love and support, I eventually did.

In the end, it's going to be up to your wife to make the decision.   You might want to share that you're concerned for her health, but really she needs your kind words more than anything.  Perhaps a counselor will be able to help with the depression as well.

You can't make her change... but, there are things you can do to help her.

The depression and the weight gain likely go together. Get her help with the depression (did you know that just 30 minutes a day of physical activity has been found in studies to be as effective as most anti-depressants?) and it's likely that she'll be able to start making healthier choices and in turn, lose weight.

I do wonder if you would feel she needs to lose weight if she were "energetic and HAPPY" at a size 16.

No one likes to hear they are fat -- tell her she's beautiful and you are so thankful for what she is in your life. Tell her every day. Tell her sincerely, the way you wrote about her here.

Make sure that if you do talk to her about losing weight, stress her health. Tell her you love her so much that you want every minute you can possibly get with her, and that being overweight will shorten her life. Tell her you want her to be happy and energetic. Tell her that you are doing what you can to be healthy and it would mean a lot to you if she would do what she can to be healthy.

And if she does start, be as supportive as you can -- she's a mom with two kids and a husband! I don't know if she works an outside job, but just being a stay at home mom is a huge job in and of itself!!!!  

Whatever you do, make sure that the conversation is about her and her health and happiness. As a big girl, if my boyfriend was making it about losing weight for him, I'd get very hurt...and hurt causes anger and anger causes bad feelings.

First, I'd like to say that I admire you for wanting to be as gentle with your wife's feelings as you can.  That is a beautiful thing. 

I have to agree with soniak0704.  It wasn't until my weight issues hit me smack in the face, that I realized I really needed to do something about it.

However, I'm on the opposite end of the table, where I'm working hard, and have lost 22lbs since this last April, and my husband has really no interest in even hearing about my success let alone working toward losing weight himself.  we're both overweight.  He's 5'7" and weighs about 280lbs. I'm 5'7.5" and currently weigh 223 (down from 245).

My husband isn't gentle, either, when he comments on my not looking right in certain clothes.  Just last week he told me I looked like a fat man in a speedo (in a pair of capris I was wearing while cleaning house). I knew he meant well, since we were heading out for a day of sight seeing.  But, it was the way he said it that hurt me. 

I think, if you just sit her down and tell her how deeply and truely you love her and then just express your concern for her health.  Then, maybe show her this site.  I found this site a wonderful tool and have had more success with CC than even when I was a Curves Member. 

I wish you luck with this! :)  I have a feeling, that your wife will understand when you talk to her. :)

I'm sorry to say...but there probably is no graceful way to tell someone they need to lose weight...she will probably jump down your throat if she's like any of the women I know. She needs to come to the realization on her own that she has a problem and lose it for herself. Otherwise she will just feel pushed into it, insulted, and probably even more depressed. Losing weight for others never works. You have to WANT to lose the weight for yourself, otherwise your motivation will drop and you will give up. Losing weight is HARD! You have to be willing to put in the work, not just because you were told to.

That said, I think there are ways you could subtly try to convince her that you want to be healthier. Why don't you start a diet for yourself? Sit down with her and explain that you are going to be starting a diet and eat healthier because you want to be around when your kids are grown. Don't even mention that you think she should join you. Just say that you wanted to let her know because you want her to support you in your lifestyle change. Make sure to call it a lifestyle change, NOT a diet and reference that you want to be healthy. See if she jumps on the bandwagon. Or after a few weeks she may see your results and want to join you! Either way, you can't expect her to change if you aren'y going to put in the effort as well.

I understand what you are saying and I think it is good that you are getting this off your chest with us before her. There are nice ways to go about this and mean ways. I have totally belief that you dont in anyway want to hurt your wife so instead of coming right out and saying this to her why dont you try this. Tell her you really want to get yourself in shape because you arent feelling really happy with the way you look. Tell her you think you will need her support to get through this and ask her if she can do this along with you so you wont feel the need to cheat on pizza or whatever she brings home. This way she will feel like she is helping you out and feel like you need her instead of her feeling bad that you think she is bigger than you would like. This may motivate her to want to look better also cuz her hubby is looking better. You could even do family activities with the family (walks, bike rides etc..). Ask her to help you pick out an exercise dvd and then have her watch it with you and then ask her if she wants to do it with you. Make it all about you, not her. A woman would be deeply hurt by the fact that her husband is no longer attracted to her (been there). Now if you can get her to focus on you and she starts doing it with you, buy her some flowers when she loses her fist 5 or 10 pounds. Women love that and she will feel great that you care about her and you will feel great because she is losing weight. By the way, sex is excellent exercise. Remember emphasize on YOU...not her. A women likes to feel needed! Let me know what ya think.

Maybe she should read this. Then she'll at least understand your point of view and know it's not to be mean, but because it's out of concern&&love.

But just like other people say, it won't make a difference if she herself doesn't want to change. I too, have a close family member who I wish would join me in my diet/exercise routine because I worry for her health (my mother), but she refuses to change, so there's really little I can do about it.

But I think not confronting your wife at all about how you feel is unhealthy as well.

I agree with all of the above, this is a subject that is quite volatile especially with us women.  Any talking to her may actually backfire, unfortunately, no matter how lovingly presented.

You sound very caring and loving and I know you only have the best intentions.  I agree with hillerud about waiting for her to bring up the subject.

The only thing that may help is using her mother instincts.  You didn't mention your kids, but whether they are healthy weight or not, your wife as their mother would probably be concerned about their health, and maybe if you approached the situation with them as the focus, as far as activities and foods available, that might be a way to keep your whole family on a healthy track. 

I wish the best for you and your family.  When your wife is ready, you'll be the support she needs.

Hi techmonkey,

Wow you are in a situation.  Speaking from a womens perspective I have also gained weight since my husband and I first met.  I  recently had a baby and I know for myself deep down in my heart that I need to lose weight, that's why I'm here.  BUT anytime my husband mentions something about my weight even if I say something first it really hurts my feelings, like he's not attracted to me and so fourth and it hurts...eventhough I know it's true...very weird.  But I don't suffer from depression or anything so that hurt actually turns into motivation for me.  So the only advice I can really give you is to continue to buy the groceries and try your best to get her out the house and active...maybe you all can go for family walks in the evening, maybe roller skating or bike riding in your neighborhood...just don't give up,  I'm sure her weight is not only affecting you but her as well and I'm sure deep down she wants to something about it, but just don't know where to start.  Remember always choose your words carefully.  Sorry if I wasn't much help, good luck.

Ejoy

Why, when it's about weight, are we so quick to avoid being truthful about the subject? If this were about alchoholism or drugs, we would have no reservations about telling our 'other' how we feel.

Now it's only 35 pounds, it very quickly can turn into 50, then 100...trust me, I know.

I am not suggesting this gentleman can make his wife change, but he can certainly tell her how he feels about it, can't he? Kind honesty is best, IMHO.

Your wife and I have a few things in common. I have a child, I suffer from depression and I've went from a Wonderful size 7 to a size 14. My husband has never told me to I need to lose weight. that's not to say he doesn't think it. All I can say is when someone goes from a size 8-16 or 7-14 they don't really need someone to tell them they need to lose weight because they KNOW they need to lose weight. So maybe instead of coming out and telling your wife something she already knows you can keep doing what you are doing with buying healthy foods and inviting her to go for hikes and walks. You should ask her what activites she enjoys and try and help her do those. myabe she doesn't like tennis and hiking but she might like swimming and biking. If you come right out and say "you need to lose weight" you might really hurt her and send her even more into depression.
wait for her to say she needs to lose weight and then when SHE says it ask her what you can do to help.
hope that helps a little.

I'd really like to applaud you on your attitude. It's nice that you acknowledge having children is tough on the figure, and you don't expect perfection or even exactly what she was before, but you want her physical and emotional health.

Does she have a trusted family member/friend (sister, mother, etc...) to help you out? Even if you are being gentle, she may take it that you think she is ugly/disgusting instead of a nudge to be healthy.

What if you wrote her a letter like this and asked her to read it through before reacting? Sometimes when talking to people, they may feel attacked and jump all over your words. That way, she'll have all the info before her.

Counciling with a professional for her may be good, and even couples counciling---I know you describe a strong marriage, but this could still be good, especially if it's affecting your sex drive. It's more than her depression then, it's a strain on the marriage.

Best of luck. You've made it this far, so just keep the faith that your strong bond will help you through it.

All right, here's the only way it can go:

You send the kids off to bed or to a friend's house, make two cups of tea, and sit her down at the table for a chat.

Tell her, "Honey, I've been meaning to talk with you. There's something that's been bothering me lately, and I need your help. I feel like my health and fitness is slipping, and it's negatively affecting my life. I feel fat, unattractive, depressed, unsexy (insert any symptom you see in her life here). I just really need to lose this extra weight I'm carrying and make some positive lifestyle choices, and I know that I can't do it without you. You're my partner, and anything I do without your support is doomed to failure.

I need an exercise partner and a fitness partner. I'd like to eat out less and exercise more, and having you along to help me would mean the world to me. I think we could both benefit a lot from this, and it would make us happier, healthier, and better parents. "

If that doesn't motivate her, tell her to think of the great sex!

Seriously, there is no right way to tell her you're getting fat. If you have any hope at all of motivating your beloved to change her unhealthy habits, it'll have to be under the guise of helping you. Hopefully her willingness to make changes to help you can give her a bit of momentum and motivate her to help herself.

Just remember, you're starting out ahead of her. Getting her to join you for a 30 minute walk after dinner every day would be progress. Start small and don't push her, and you may see rewards.

well my girlfirend used to tell me that i was beautiful even when i didnt feel it. but one day she came to me and told me that she was concerned casuse i was gaining weight and she thought that i might be unhealthy also because im a type 1 diabetic who has to take 4 shots a day:( but she had told me before and i wouldnt do anything. but one day she started crying saying that i told her id be with her forever and she didnt want to lose me to diabetes complications or something else. that was an eye opener cause i knew i wasnt only hurting myself but her and my family as well. now i have no children but your wife has two precious children to think about. she should do it not for looks but for health reasons..good luck to the both of you