My bf has been lying to me...i suddenly feel very sad. Am i making a big deal?

Ok so some ppl might think this is not a big deal but here's the story anyway. My bf got a new job at a restaurant to be a waiter, cause he wants to be a chef and needs restaurant experience, also needs money. So he's been at this place for like 3 weeks almost. Anyway his shifts range from like am to pm shifts. Some days he will start at 10:30 am cause he has to set up and everything and then gets here at like 8 pm. I found that weird first of all cause i was a server and my shifts were usually around 6 hrs. Usually dinnershifts start at 4 pm. Anyway other times he will go in at like 6 pm and then they close at around 3 am so he will come really late. Some days he stays the whole day and has told me that he took someone else's shift so he ended up working 2 shifts. Welll......tonight me and my mom went to see a movie. It ended at around 12 am. My bf worked a morning shift. We were near his job so i said 'hey why not? lets go get something to eat there'. i didnt even know if he was working cause i hadnt spoken to him all day. Well what do we see when we walk in....yea him drinking with a bunch of ppl! He didnt even see us walk in, and when he did his mouth dropped open. I'm sure he didnt expect that. He looked really nervous and uncomfortable, also my mom was with me and he was drinking so i can understand that but i know he was really surprised. I'm sure tonight he would have told me he was working a double shift when instead he was drinking!!! And we asked him, you finished work? He said he did, around 7! 7 pm! omg that means he was there drinking this whole time. And there are girls working there, pretty i might add. :( I am so upset at him, i think he's been lying to me this whole time. Am i overeacting? We've been dating for 3 yrs! I feel like breaking up with him and i am so like, down right now i completely lost my appetite and i have that nauseous feeling.

confront him and talk to him about it

Lying is never a good trait in people.  Ask him why he wasn't up front with you.  Maybe he wanted to relax & socialise and thought you'd disapprove if he told you the truth...  If you're worried about 'pretty girls', would you have said yes if he'd said 'I'm staying for a few drinks after hours'?  Could have been a one-off, of course. 

Original Post by gi-jane:

Lying is never a good trait in people.  Ask him why he wasn't up front with you.  Maybe he wanted to relax & socialise and thought you'd disapprove if he told you the truth...  If you're worried about 'pretty girls', would you have said yes if he'd said 'I'm staying for a few drinks after hours'?  Could have been a one-off, of course. 

no i prob. would have said ''do what you want' but i would be mad inside. I have trust issues...but it hurts me more that he stayed so many hours. I feel like...well maybe he's trying to get away from me, like it's his time for himself. But im just so pissed off, like idk what to do. i just think i cant handle it, and we arent for each other. If he did stay, fine but why so many hours??? We're talking 7+ hrs of drinking and hanging out, why? He didnt even call! im not so worried about the pretty girls much, theres only 1 pretty girl but i dunno, i just feel so mad, idk what to do with myself

You definitely have a right to be upest, but if you are considering dumping a 3 yr relationship over this then I have to ask... how has the relationship been the rest of the time? Only so-so? Is it WORTH it to you to work it out with him and get over this hump. Because his behavior may or may not be a "good" reason to dump him, depending on his reason for lying, but the only thing that matters in the end is whether you are happy with the relationship overall or not.

I think you shuold try to have a conversation with him at least... but definitely wait until you can CALM down, and do NOT accuse him of anything...just be calm and ask for explanations. good luck =(

I recommend asking to talk with him...and have an open discussion about whats bothering you with him...trust is as they say a two way street so be honest with him and see what comes out.  The worse thing that comes out is you decide to part ways...the best thing is he learns (and so do you) what you are both willing to accept in a relationship.  Trust is earned and once its gone its tough to recover from its loss.  Good luck!

Dave

Original Post by dave98z3:

I recommend asking to talk with him...and have an open discussion about whats bothering you with him...trust is as they say a two way street so be honest with him and see what comes out. The worse thing that comes out is you decide to part ways...the best thing is he learns (and so do you) what you are both willing to accept in a relationship. Trust is earned and once its gone its tough to recover from its loss. Good luck!

 

Dave

i agree with dave. but what restaurant allows their staff to stay around for hours drinking every day? i could see on special occasions. uh wait, actually my friends' bar does that but they stay back after hours, not during opening hours. but then again this is ireland, so....

EDIT: actually does he have any friends? the only time i really hung out with people i work with for hours was because i had just moved the area & had no friends really.

I can understand why you would be hurt, it's like a kick in the gut. You say to yourself, "He doesn't want to be around me. He would rather drink than be with me. I must be worthless."

Yet that is your emotions talking; the fact is that people need their space in relationships.

Sounds like you would punish him if he did want to hang out without you. You said you would be mad inside, and emotions have a tendency to come out in  passive-aggressive ways. Sometimes it's just easier to simply lie instead of deal with any drama, and that is common in relationships—it doesn't make the person lying a liar by any means.

I guarantee it is going to be a reoccurring problem in your future relationships, so might as well deal with it now.

I didnt see in there where you knew for certain that he was lying.  It seems like you just assumed the other times he worked double shifts he was lying?  Or if this just a one time thing, since you were out with your mother, he decided to hang out with coworkers?  It seems as if youre more upset that there were girls there...

Maybe I misread

Original Post by davefiredancer19:

I didnt see in there where you knew for certain that he was lying.  It seems like you just assumed the other times he worked double shifts he was lying?  Or if this just a one time thing, since you were out with your mother, he decided to hang out with coworkers?  It seems as if youre more upset that there were girls there...

 

Maybe I misread

he didnt know i was out with my mom. I hadnt spoken to him that whole day, he left for work prob. at like 10 a.m., worked till like 7 pm and then stayed there till 3 a.m. , and had work the next day at 10 a.m. again and i didnt speak to him till night time. I was upset because on the 11th was our 3 yr anniversary and i had told him lets go get something to eat and i will even pay, he was like no, cause he had work the next day. So i was mad because he turned that down for work but then stayed out till 3 am and got home at 5 am and had work the next day and that didnt stop him

see I didnt see where he actually lied...he was just being a douche bag.

gotcha.

Dont make assumptions, its not good for your relationships.

I suggest talking to him about your feelings.  It could be that he didn't lie at all and he just felt nervous about your mom seeing him drinking at a bar.  Maybe he had a really rough day and was having drinks after work to wind down.  It can be an extremely stressful job, especially when you have to deal with really difficult customers who don't tip.  I think it would be a mistake to throw away a 3-year relationship because you're hurt and you don't understand.  Give him a chance to explain himself, and then if you don't like the explanation you can go from there.

Just because you've been in a relationship for three year it doesn't mean that it is a good relationship or that it is worth saving.  Sometime relationships have inherent problems that take a long time to surface. 

I would recommend talking to him about it find out if it just happened once or if he has been doing this all along.  Maybe he wants out of the relationship and doesn't know how to tell you or he can't afford to leave you.  Either way, don't blame yourself.  Not all relationships work and it isn't necessarily someones fault.

Or maybe it was a one time thing and he's sorry about it and won't do it again.  You never know until you talk.

Original Post by davefiredancer19:

see I didnt see where he actually lied...he was just being a douche bag.

 

gotcha.

 

Dont make assumptions, its not good for your relationships.

yea he said he didnt lie. He just never called cause he doesnt have a cell phone right now and he cant use the work phone

Original Post by caverlady:

I suggest talking to him about your feelings.  It could be that he didn't lie at all and he just felt nervous about your mom seeing him drinking at a bar.  Maybe he had a really rough day and was having drinks after work to wind down.  It can be an extremely stressful job, especially when you have to deal with really difficult customers who don't tip.  I think it would be a mistake to throw away a 3-year relationship because you're hurt and you don't understand.  Give him a chance to explain himself, and then if you don't like the explanation you can go from there.

Thanks. I asked him about that, about why he looked uncomfortable and he said cause my mom was with me. If it were just me he wouldnt care, but he felt weird cause he was drinking and she was there. I agreed with him cause my mom can make ppl feel weird like that and also everyone in the bar was young but her lol but we were only there for like 5 minutes. The only thing is that job isnt stressful, if anything its boring, they arent really busy and so he's not even making much money. He said he just stayed cause of free drinks. Now where i used to work was stressful, i rarely had  a spare minute but the money was good. lol

Original Post by trhawley:

Just because you've been in a relationship for three year it doesn't mean that it is a good relationship or that it is worth saving.  Sometime relationships have inherent problems that take a long time to surface. 

I would recommend talking to him about it find out if it just happened once or if he has been doing this all along.  Maybe he wants out of the relationship and doesn't know how to tell you or he can't afford to leave you.  Either way, don't blame yourself.  Not all relationships work and it isn't necessarily someones fault.

Or maybe it was a one time thing and he's sorry about it and won't do it again.  You never know until you talk.

I spoke with him, that night i was so pissed i broke up with him. But he didnt take me seriously, he said no we're not. I break up wit him almost everytime im really mad at him but im never really serious, but i was really serious that time but he was really upset and said he wont stay anymore to drink, he will go home. He said he doesnt want to make me mad or fight. But if anything i already broke up with him and he didnt accept. Trust me, i would not stay in a relationship if i felt the other person didnt want to be with me, or if i felt it wasnt right. I would make it easy for them and break up, i have no problem doing that.

Original Post by fairydust125:

yea he said he didnt lie. He just never called cause he doesnt have a cell phone right now and he cant use the work phone

 And he can't borrow a phone or walk to a payphone...hmmmm.....excuses methinks?

Its not a 'drinking' issue, or 'lying' issue- he didn't have enough respect for you to say "Listen, I may stay on for a while after work with my workmates for a few drinks"- thats all it would've took- now you're conjouring up all kinds of scenarios where you don't have a clue what he's been up to. Maybe he was trying to impress his new workmates and not appear 'under the thumb' or something- but it doesn't mean he has to treat you like cr*p in the meantime.

You say you broke up with him that night, yet you're still saying "I feel like breaking up with him"- it's no wonder he doesn't believe you if you do it every time you row! Don't threaten to break up with him then carry on as usual- if you mean it he will eventually get the message- him saying "No, we're not" shouldn't be enough for you to go "Oh, okay then"?!?!

If you choose to break up with him then there is nothing he can do to stop you, him saying, "No were not, " doesn't make it so.  But if you threaten to break up with him all the time and don't follow through then you threats are meaningless and he'll continue to do whatever he wants to do without regard for your feelings.  It's up to you whether are not you want to stay with him but I think you should ask yourself, "what an I getting out of this relationship?"  I hope he will show you more respect in the future.

Original Post by trhawley:

If you choose to break up with him then there is nothing he can do to stop you, him saying, "No were not, " doesn't make it so.  But if you threaten to break up with him all the time and don't follow through then you threats are meaningless and he'll continue to do whatever he wants to do without regard for your feelings. 

 yes for future relationships i strongly suggest you not do that anymore

Perhaps you should be focusing on yourself, going out and having fun independantly....you won't be so worried about him having fun without you, if you are having fun as well. If he knows you are waiting around for HIM...he might not find that attractive. Men like it when a woman doesn't NEED him around all the time.

So I said it. Go have fun girl !

I think you need to stop focusing on him, and worring about what he is doing, because that will take a toll on you.. But Plain and simple.. If you cant trust him then leave him. why be with someone you cant trust? Trust Communication and Respect are the big 3 you have to have in any relationship to make it work.

And I have to be honest if you two have been circling around each others behinds for the last 3 yrs. without any individual outlets that will cause alot of tension. especially if one or both of you are people persons..

I say talk to him, dont talk at him, but talk with him and see whats up? Maybe he has been feeling hampered in the relationship or maybe he is really doing some smooozing since he is trying to work up to another postions.... you dont know unless you give him the opportunity to explain himself... and if he is lieing facts are facts.. like the saying goes if you give people enuff rope eventually they will hang themselfs with it... Good Luck whatever you decide