Binge Eating: Therapy, Medication.. Nothing is working!!

Hi. Let me start by saying I have binged today. I don't really remember exactly what I ate, but here's a rough layout. As a side note, I'm vegan, so you won't find any meat, dairy, eggs, or other animal products on my list. No matter, it defititely qualifies as a legit binge.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup fiber one cereal with 1 cup unsweetened light soy milk, almonds, frozen strawberries, and blackberries.

Snack: 1 large apple, Vega protein powder packet mixed with water (chocolate)

Lunch: 1 3 oz block savory marinated tofu, spinach, carrots, olive oil and red wine vinegar dressing, and strawberries on the side.

Snack: Clif Nectar bar, another large apple

Here we go... 
3 cups of frozen strawberries and another apple
3 small low carb tortillas and a tablespoon of apple butter
3 oz block tofu
2 larabars
Another Clif Nectar
4 3 oz blocks tofu
2 cups pineapple
2 cups strawberries
3/4 cup blueberries
about 3 cups So Delicious Mocha Fudge Swirl ice cream (like half the carton!)
about 4 slices Rudi's organic cinnamon raisin bread, one with apple butter
4 100-calorie packs almonds
2 tablespoons almond butter
about 3/4 cup worth cookie dough (Vegan with a Vengeance recipe)
one finished 4-inch, huge ass cookie from that same batch (the recipe makes twelve cookies)
3 more slices of cinnamon raisin bread
2 more tablespoons almond butter
small handful pistachios
banana
about 1/4 cup of apple butter by itself

and you guys think your overeating episodes are bad. This usually happens to me about once a week or more. My psychiatrist has had me on Topamax and Wellbutrin for 3 months now to try to supress my appetite and they still aren't helping me. I talk to him regularly, journal, keep myself busy with art, studying, school, and golf, and yet I always find room to stuff my face. My stomach hurts terribly, and I honestly don't know what to do. I keep trying to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, or that I can start over right away, or that I'm still a good person, but it gets harder and harder to think positively when your actions don't correspond.
I have thrown out the raisin bread, the rest of the almond butter, and the soy ice cream. I'm giving the cookies to a friend tomorrow for her birthday.
Can someone, anyone, please give me some advice, or at least some encouraging words, so I may have some hopes for overcoming this?

Hi there...

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You can read my profile and see i am right there with you.   I am not a vegan however, i hit rock bottom about a week ago with my BED (binge eating disorder) which has affected me in one way or another for 20 years.  I finally admitted it is out of my control and no amount of willpower will help me.

I have decided to join Overeaters Anonymous and today will be my fourth day without binging, (usually i dont make it past the third day). 

I dont know if i am going to recover this way but i have never felt more hopeful.

Do not beat yourself up over a binge. It has already happened - move on and be stronger! Start the next day happily and eat the correct amount of food. Watch your food intake for the next few days, drink plenty of water and get lots of rest.

I have looked into Overeaters Anonymous, but I am hestitant to try it as I am an atheist. I know the website says that it isn't a religious group and that you just have to accept that there is some being higher than yourself, but I also see them mentioning "Him" making refrences to God several times. I have nothing against people who believe in a god, but I would prefer not to be the odd person out who is trying to figure out a path around it.

5 days and going strong... I am feeling no desire to binge right now and it feels like i've taken a drug, i dont know this feeling.  They call it the 'pink cloud' because you feel so happy, like there is serious hope of beating this thing.  I dont know if it will work for everyone, but i have thrown out my xenical (expensive diet drugs that i have been addicted to for 8 years -- and i have NEVER thrown out.. in fact, keep them in every nook and cranny i can find - now they are tossed, i will never again abuse my body that way).

I know what you mean about being an athiest, i'm not one, so handing it over to "god" was something i could do, and have done -- however in my group there are plenty of ladies who are athiest/agnositc... they said they found a spirtual side... the universe, anything that they know is 'greater' than them and it has worked. 

Personally, i think its the amazing support, the understanding, compassion, the sponsorship program.. to me it all just feels like a huge hug around me that i needed SO badly....

Its early days for me, but for the first time in 20 years i actually feel hopeful that i can manage (not cure) but manage this thing and have a long, healthy life. 

Good luck, again, i'm so sorry because i know the pain so very well..

If you want to know why you binged I'd say the answer is staring you in the face..... you're hungry.  Half a cup of cereal with light soy milk etc.... is next to no calories.   Your snack and lunch were next to nothing.  3oz tofu?  Wouldn't keep a sparrow alive.   So your binge probably kicked in about mid-afternoon when your blood-sugars had hit rock bottom and your body was crying out for energy....  Lucky guess?    Then once you start eating, your body is going to be reluctant to stop because it thinks there's some terrible famine round the corner and it's determined to keep you alive. You're a healthy 19 year-old with a teenage metabolism and you're trying to suppress your appetite so you can eat like an elderly lady that sits in a wheelchair all day.  Your psychiatrist wants shooting.   That's why it's all going wrong.  Your body is topping up your real energy needs whether you like it or not.

Rather than trying to force yourself to eat less, eat more.  Have much bigger breakfasts and lunch.  Plan it in advance so you're getting a good 2200 cals a day.   Not 'half a cup' of cereal but a big, generous bowl of hot oatmeal with a banana chopped on top.   Spread some lovely crunchy peanut butter on wholegrain crackers as a mid-morning snack... don't skimp.   Lunchtime.... enjoy some filling wholemeal pasta with the tofu etc., or a few slices of bread... a dish of ice-cream or a few cookies, why not?  You need fats, you need proteins, you need carbohydrates....  You could very easily be overeating because you're craving nutrients you aren't getting from your vegan diet choices so supplement everything with a good daily multivitamin. 

You don't need god, you need food.... 

gi-jane, I saw your response and initially wanted to shoot it down and turn up my nose, and say "just another calorie counter who thinks someones not eating enough." But I thought about it for a little while and assessed my food choices, and I know you're right. It's just so hard to make myself eat a normal amount when I'm already worried about when my next binge is going to happen (and still trying to recover from a previous one). Not to mention, numbers in the 2000s sort of scare me, since I am so sedentary. I don't exercise AT ALL (besides golf once in a while).
Also, when I was about 15 or 16, I was on my way to a successful modeling career. I was with a top agency and had everything going for me, but as I took higher-fashion photos, the pressure to be thin grew heavier and heavier. I couldn't take it anymore and stopped, but when I binge I think of what my friends and former agent would think if they saw me now. I have no desire to get involved with that industry again, but for some reason I still feel like I should be able to if I want to. I apologize if that is triggering to anyone suffering from an eating disorder.
I know that shouldn't be my motivation to overcome these binge eating episodes, but it is an issue that I need to work on and I think it's an unhealthy way of thinking that could be contributing to my habits. That and not eating enough.
gi-jane, I am extremely hesitant and scared, but I will take your advice and try my best to hit at least 2000 calories a day for one week. I'll see how I feel, and adjust from there. Thanks to everyone else for your input, and if anyone has anything more to add, it is much appreciated.

I think if you get 2000 cals a day... evenly spaced out and made up with filling, nourishing, well-balanced foods plus a daily multivitamin that particularly contains iron, B vitamins and and zinc.... you'll feel 100 x better, less likely to binge and therefore stop gaining weight.   I really wouldn't be taking appetite suppressants because I don't think it's your appetite that's the cause of your problem.  Your appetite is perfectly normal... constantly trying to ignore it is what's causing the binge problem.

Try to be more active rather than to eat less... a half hour walk once or twice a day is enough to keep your metabolism lively.  A good tip is to put a pedometer on your waistband and try to get 10,000 steps a day by moving around as much as possible, using stairs instead of lifts, getting off the bus a stop earlier etc.   Exercise is also good for your well-being and lifts your mood so it's a win-win.

Keep talking to your psychiatrist about the 'I could be a skinny kid again if I wanted to be' hangover from your childhood, by all means.  You're a woman now... not a little girl..  and your body has matured like everyone's does.  Growing up brings lots of challenges and who hasn't hankered after the easy days of childhood at some point?    The people you knew when you were a little girl will also be different now.  If they judged you badly for having grown up and filled out they'd be pretty shallow, nasty types....  Do you think badly of people if they gain weight?   Hope not.  Give your body what it needs to sustain it physically and I think you'll find that mentally things get a whole lot easier. 

Good luck