Binge, Hide, Repeat

Lately I have been bingeing at midnight, almost on the dot. I do so because I cannot get to sleep, and I figure "Hey, I'll just skip breakfast then...." And of course, that never really works out. And it's not like I'm eating just for the heck of it when I do this. At night I feel genuinely hungry, even starving some nights. I always have a sizable amount to eat for dinner, so I don't exactly know what the problem is. Despite the fact that I am hungry when these binges happen, I really have been putting on the weight lately. Although this is just a speculation, I think that my poor portion control might have something to do with the fact that I pick at my skin. For some odd reason, episodes of skin picking seem to correspond with similar episodes of overeating. Are both of these habits simply linked to poor self control? Another thing that I find strange is that I don't particularly enjoy these binge episodes, and typically keep eating in order to reach the "perfect" number of calories. In other words, my body desperately wants me to stop eating, yet my mind wants me to keep going until I reach the "proper" amount. Can anyone shed some light on this? I am really confused. 

Also, I would like to know how I should plan my meals out so that I can lose some of the weight that I have gained over the past couple of weeks. I am more interested about when my meals should be, as opposed to what they should consist of. I work from my house so I am free to eat whenever. I find that I have the most difficulty controlling myself around food during the early afternoon, just before bed, and in the very early morning. 

Any sort of advice would be greatly appreciated; thanks in advance!

Edit: Just a little more background information. For the longest time I had a set amount of calories that I would not go over, no matter what. This calorie allowance was just right for me, leaving me satiated, however, not stuffed or starving as I am now. Then, one day I finally noticed this glass ceiling, and had this overwhelming urge to shatter it. And so I did. However, now it seems as though I can only eat more, more, more. Typically, these episodes only end at what my mind considers a precise amount of calories (i.e. the number must end in 00). Afterward I feel like a monster and hide from the world. Then, of course, since eating right before you go to sleep does nothing to satisfy future hunger, I end up eating again later, just as hungry as I was the night prior. This cycle of eating, hiding, and sleeping makes me feel very much ashamed of myself, and moreover, very unproductive. I am a very work-minded person, and when I feel like I cannot accomplish things, my sense of self worth disappears entirely. Nevertheless, when I overeat as I have been lately, I just feel so grotesque and unworthy of the tasks at hand, that I simply neglect to do them. I would give anything just to go back to the way things were before, when I had some sense of control and self-respect. What makes this so confusing is that there have not been any major events that could have triggered this scenario. Nothing has changed except my level of self-control. My family is convinced that I don't eat, when the fact of the matter is that they simply do not see me when I do. I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt when my mom complains about having to go grocery shopping so often, and I know damn well that I am the main reason behind it. I don't want to be anybody's burden, I want to be as helpful and productive as I possibly can. In other words, I want people to want me around.

Your hunger at night it most likely the result of poorly controlled blood sugar. The best fix? stop eating sugar. Eat more protein. In fact, eat protein all the time. It will drastically reduce your appetite. Eating small meals throughout the day can also help, this also helps your body control your blood sugar.

Original Post by minda_spk:

Your hunger at night it most likely the result of poorly controlled blood sugar. The best fix? stop eating sugar. Eat more protein. In fact, eat protein all the time. It will drastically reduce your appetite. Eating small meals throughout the day can also help, this also helps your body control your blood sugar.

I already eat quite a bit of protein. Additionally, most of the sugar that I consume in a day comes from fruit and dairy products. Like I said, the problem appears to be how much I am eating, as opposed to what I am eating. I have absolutely no desire to eat "bad" foods (i.e. pizza, ice cream, etc...) Instead, I tend to binge on "healthy" foods, such as whole grain cereal, milk, and low-sugar granola bars. In the end, even though these foods are relatively low in calories, they add up very rapidly when you are eating them to reach a certain number, as opposed to hunger. I would happily remove many foods from the house, however, I am really not in charge of what comes in. 

what is your current height and weight? And, if you don't mind, a list of what you might eat in a day?

While not an expert, I do a good deal of research on weight loss and such, so I would like to help!

btw. Your guilt is silly, Of course you have to eat. Food is necessary to feed and fuel your body, it is not some shameful thing.

Original Post by minda_spk:

what is your current height and weight? And, if you don't mind, a list of what you might eat in a day?

While not an expert, I do a good deal of research on weight loss and such, so I would like to help!

btw. Your guilt is silly, Of course you have to eat. Food is necessary to feed and fuel your body, it is not some shameful thing.

I am 17 years old and have a height of 63 inches. According to the scale, I weigh roughly 110 lbs. I consider myself "low active." Not exactly overweight just yet, but it is not entirely possible given the way that I have been eating lately. 

Here is a list of everything that I ate today (starting at 2 AM):

1. a bowl of cereal with milk

2. a cup of low-fat milk

3. a cup of low-fat mik

4. cheese and crackers

5. a bowl of cereal with milk

6. a glass of fat-free chocolate milk

7. a bowl of oatmeal

8. some cherries

9. cheese and crackers

10. cereal

11. coffee with fat-free half and half

12. a whole grain bread roll with 2 tbsp. of peanut butter

13. a whole grain bread roll with 2 tbsp. of peanut butter

14. apple sauce

15. carrots with fat-free ranch

16. a granola bar

17. a granola bar

18. crackers

...That totals out to approximately 2,900 calories. I measure out all of my food and follow the serving sizes. However, while I may have one bowl of cereal with appropriate proportions, it is not uncommon that I will have another similarly portioned bowl thereafter. Today is slightly misleading, as I do not normally consume such a high volume of liquid calories. 

In regards to the feelings of guilt, I feel that they are warranted on the grounds that I eat more than my fair sure. I do not have a problem with eating; I have a problem with overeating. Why should my parents have to suffer monetarily at the expense of someone who is clearly eating more food than they actually need?

You are at a healthy weight. Lose 10 pounds and you'll be underweight. If you're concerned with your appearance, focus on toning your body, there is absolutely no need for you to lose any.

That being said, I'll still offer my opinion of your diet : )

For one, if you started exercising, you could feasibly eat this a day (less a cup of milk or two). Some weight training and cardio would also help your mood.

As for diet, I feel I should reiterate that you don't need to lose weight, and I'm offering this because you want to maintain. The first big question: where are your veggies? You need lots. They are also great for controlling binges just because you can eat so much. Your diet, while the foods are healthy, is all dairy and grains (for this day). The amount that your eating really isn't off, especially for your age. Perhaps planning your meals would help with keeping things healthy as well as giving you some control you seem to need to diet.
Up your protein. A lot. Chicken, fish, nuts, whatever. Up your veggies, eat same leafy greens everyday. While snacking throughout the day is fine health-wise, it could making your brain think that it never eats because you never sit for a meal.

One thing I commonly do is I make a list of everything I want to eat the next day. For instance, tomorrow I'm going to have v8, a glass of chocolate milk, wasa crackers with cream cheese, 1oz cashews, banana, large ceasar salad, grilled chicken, green beans, 1oz cashews, tomato w/ cottage cheese, 3 plums, 2 squares of dark chocolate. I would guess this seems like a lot, but there will also be a 90 minute workout so I can lose weight with that.  Now, I make this list (just in my head) and I try to eat everything on it (in that order). Make a list that has foods with lots of nutrients, protein, and some good fat. While your eating enough calories, if you're not getting enough nutrients and protein your body may still be wanting you to eat. Besically, even if you shouldn't be hungry, your body hasn't had what it wants.

Basically my advice boils down to lots of protein and vegetables. If you want a granola bar, eat a grilled chicken salad first, and then once you're hungry again, eat the granola.

As for the guilt, the amount you eat is neither excessive, out of the ordinary, or horribly expensive. Plus its going to make a healthy diet harder to stick to if you also have to battle guilt.

If you're family is convinced you don't eat, I imagine they would be happy to let you go grocery shopping with them and pick out the healthy foods you want to eat that you're less likely to binge on. It sounds like you might just be a bit lost. You aren't on a strict diet (and you really don't need to be) so you're not sure what to eat and how much. Just because you're not working towards a large goal, set a small one. Go a whole day without granola. Make it a goal to actually get 5 servings of veggies a day.

Hope this helps!

Original Post by minda_spk:

You are at a healthy weight. Lose 10 pounds and you'll be underweight. If you're concerned with your appearance, focus on toning your body, there is absolutely no need for you to lose any.

That being said, I'll still offer my opinion of your diet : )

For one, if you started exercising, you could feasibly eat this a day (less a cup of milk or two). Some weight training and cardio would also help your mood.

As for diet, I feel I should reiterate that you don't need to lose weight, and I'm offering this because you want to maintain. The first big question: where are your veggies? You need lots. They are also great for controlling binges just because you can eat so much. Your diet, while the foods are healthy, is all dairy and grains (for this day). The amount that your eating really isn't off, especially for your age. Perhaps planning your meals would help with keeping things healthy as well as giving you some control you seem to need to diet.
Up your protein. A lot. Chicken, fish, nuts, whatever. Up your veggies, eat same leafy greens everyday. While snacking throughout the day is fine health-wise, it could making your brain think that it never eats because you never sit for a meal.

One thing I commonly do is I make a list of everything I want to eat the next day. For instance, tomorrow I'm going to have v8, a glass of chocolate milk, wasa crackers with cream cheese, 1oz cashews, banana, large ceasar salad, grilled chicken, green beans, 1oz cashews, tomato w/ cottage cheese, 3 plums, 2 squares of dark chocolate. I would guess this seems like a lot, but there will also be a 90 minute workout so I can lose weight with that.  Now, I make this list (just in my head) and I try to eat everything on it (in that order). Make a list that has foods with lots of nutrients, protein, and some good fat. While your eating enough calories, if you're not getting enough nutrients and protein your body may still be wanting you to eat. Besically, even if you shouldn't be hungry, your body hasn't had what it wants.

Basically my advice boils down to lots of protein and vegetables. If you want a granola bar, eat a grilled chicken salad first, and then once you're hungry again, eat the granola.

As for the guilt, the amount you eat is neither excessive, out of the ordinary, or horribly expensive. Plus its going to make a healthy diet harder to stick to if you also have to battle guilt.

If you're family is convinced you don't eat, I imagine they would be happy to let you go grocery shopping with them and pick out the healthy foods you want to eat that you're less likely to binge on. It sounds like you might just be a bit lost. You aren't on a strict diet (and you really don't need to be) so you're not sure what to eat and how much. Just because you're not working towards a large goal, set a small one. Go a whole day without granola. Make it a goal to actually get 5 servings of veggies a day.

Hope this helps!

I agree with you, I do not need to lose weight. And yet I do. I have not yet been diagnosed by a health professional, but I am thoroughly convinced that I am the opposite sex. Even though I am presently at a healthy BMI, it means that I have breasts that I absolutely do not want. They make me feel disgusted with myself, and on some days, suicidal. My parents are determined to shove me back into the closet from whence I came, so keeping my weight in check is the only means by which I can feel okay with myself. I know this appears to contradict the logic of many people within this community, but I feel it necessary for my sanity to keep my weight at the lowest healthy BMI available. Will I sill have a female body? Sure, but at least it will look slightly less so. I would love to focus more on exercise and less on diet, however, that is simply not feasible within my household. I can walk, but that's about it. My mom is not going to invest a dime in exercise equipment, and even if she did, she would be suspicious of me using it. I honestly have no clue where this overwhelming hunger has come from, but my only goal at the moment is to reverse it. I need to eat semi-normally so that I can focus on my work, and thereby "forget" about the nature of my body. I do not mean to insult women, I am just rather certain that I am not truly one of them. Not to sound too disturbing, but when I am around kids my mind inevitably wanders to the catalog of ways in which I could harm them. I sometimes try to suppress these thoughts, while other times I embrace them as positive signs that my female body does not accurately reflect my male mind. Again, let me reiterate that the above was by no means intended to be an insult to women, and moreover, I am not trying to promote starvation dieting. Trust me, been there, done that, and would not go back to it for the world! (Oddly enough, you feel just as out of control when your weight is precipitously plummeting as when it is slowly going up.)

It sounds like it's anxiety-related. The skin picking and compusive eating are both signs of that. This could also be why you don't enjoy overindulging in the evenings, and can't seem to stop though you want to. I have the same problem (OCD tendencies) and it's frustrating because it can cause you to repeat the same behaviours even when you're not consciously aware that a pattern has been created. So, what may have started out of anxiety or boredom because you couldn't sleep, now continues as a compulsive behaviour (like repeatedly checking a door).

I dealt with this problem by replacing the negative behaviour with a more positive one, like making out a detailed meal plan for the week and measuring out pretty much exactly what I'll eat within it. It would really not be worth the effort to break into any of the food at any point because I'd have to replace it. Also, I find that knowing exactly what I'm going to eat for everyday helps me reduce anxiety about how my diet is going to go, and helps me stick to it. Anyway, it's not an easy task and I wish you luck. Also, I see that you wanted to shatter this "glass ceiling". Maybe that was just to make sure you could? The thing about being really exact about things and repetitive is that you can do really well at things. When I was in highschool I lost so much weight that my guidance counsellor intervened because she thought I was becoming an anorexic (low end of a healthy weight, but very tall). Unfortunately, all the scrutiny gave me anxiety about weight loss and I was not able to maintain the weight that I'd lost or get a deficit back, even though I wanted one! It's only been recently that I've been able to get myself back on track. Hope you can get through this :).

I didn't get the chance to read all the replies, so I hope I'm not repeating things, but, sounds to me like you may have some anxiety/obsessive compulsive tendancies. I'm not a doctor, but I also suffer from similar issues such as ... restricting my calorie intake to a certain specific number and then wanting to punish myself if I go over. Or   over-exercising if I go over, etc.

Some things I do to control hunger, especially at night, is drink hot tea. I sometimes drink chamomile and add a little warm milk. This helps me to fall asleep and fill my stomach. Drinking a full glass of water also helps.

I've also cut out some of my caffeine intake. I dring half and half caffeine/decaf coffee in the morning. And I do not allow myself caffenated drinks after 5pm.

Another thing, if you exercise, don't do it after 5pm either. It can give you extra energy that will not only keep you awake, but also make you hungry.

You may need to talk to your doctor about your obsessive tendancies such as specific number of calories to meet and picking at your skin. We all have some sort of obsessive qualities, but when it begins to interfere with your life, it may be time to talk to your doc. A simple anti-anxiety pill may help you to overcome it.  

Agree with above posters. Skin picking tends to be a classic OCD complusion. which can also be associated with conditions like anxiety and stress disorders as well as body dysmorphia. The fact that your skin pickin coincides with your binging is no surprise.  You are craving a relaxation feeling from that anxiety inside and food (especially when eaten fast) releases serotonin which is our bodys natural "calmer".

I would suggest seeing a doctor and telling them about this, espcially the skin picking. I also agree that a low dose anti-anxiety medication would be of great use. If not, perhaps try hypnosis or other behavioral therapies. Good luck!

Original Post by hungrykid:

Original Post by minda_spk:

You are at a healthy weight. Lose 10 pounds and you'll be underweight. If you're concerned with your appearance, focus on toning your body, there is absolutely no need for you to lose any.

That being said, I'll still offer my opinion of your diet : )

For one, if you started exercising, you could feasibly eat this a day (less a cup of milk or two). Some weight training and cardio would also help your mood.

As for diet, I feel I should reiterate that you don't need to lose weight, and I'm offering this because you want to maintain. The first big question: where are your veggies? You need lots. They are also great for controlling binges just because you can eat so much. Your diet, while the foods are healthy, is all dairy and grains (for this day). The amount that your eating really isn't off, especially for your age. Perhaps planning your meals would help with keeping things healthy as well as giving you some control you seem to need to diet.
Up your protein. A lot. Chicken, fish, nuts, whatever. Up your veggies, eat same leafy greens everyday. While snacking throughout the day is fine health-wise, it could making your brain think that it never eats because you never sit for a meal.

One thing I commonly do is I make a list of everything I want to eat the next day. For instance, tomorrow I'm going to have v8, a glass of chocolate milk, wasa crackers with cream cheese, 1oz cashews, banana, large ceasar salad, grilled chicken, green beans, 1oz cashews, tomato w/ cottage cheese, 3 plums, 2 squares of dark chocolate. I would guess this seems like a lot, but there will also be a 90 minute workout so I can lose weight with that.  Now, I make this list (just in my head) and I try to eat everything on it (in that order). Make a list that has foods with lots of nutrients, protein, and some good fat. While your eating enough calories, if you're not getting enough nutrients and protein your body may still be wanting you to eat. Besically, even if you shouldn't be hungry, your body hasn't had what it wants.

Basically my advice boils down to lots of protein and vegetables. If you want a granola bar, eat a grilled chicken salad first, and then once you're hungry again, eat the granola.

As for the guilt, the amount you eat is neither excessive, out of the ordinary, or horribly expensive. Plus its going to make a healthy diet harder to stick to if you also have to battle guilt.

If you're family is convinced you don't eat, I imagine they would be happy to let you go grocery shopping with them and pick out the healthy foods you want to eat that you're less likely to binge on. It sounds like you might just be a bit lost. You aren't on a strict diet (and you really don't need to be) so you're not sure what to eat and how much. Just because you're not working towards a large goal, set a small one. Go a whole day without granola. Make it a goal to actually get 5 servings of veggies a day.

Hope this helps!

I agree with you, I do not need to lose weight. And yet I do. I have not yet been diagnosed by a health professional, but I am thoroughly convinced that I am the opposite sex. Even though I am presently at a healthy BMI, it means that I have breasts that I absolutely do not want. They make me feel disgusted with myself, and on some days, suicidal. My parents are determined to shove me back into the closet from whence I came, so keeping my weight in check is the only means by which I can feel okay with myself. I know this appears to contradict the logic of many people within this community, but I feel it necessary for my sanity to keep my weight at the lowest healthy BMI available. Will I sill have a female body? Sure, but at least it will look slightly less so. I would love to focus more on exercise and less on diet, however, that is simply not feasible within my household. I can walk, but that's about it. My mom is not going to invest a dime in exercise equipment, and even if she did, she would be suspicious of me using it. I honestly have no clue where this overwhelming hunger has come from, but my only goal at the moment is to reverse it. I need to eat semi-normally so that I can focus on my work, and thereby "forget" about the nature of my body. I do not mean to insult women, I am just rather certain that I am not truly one of them. Not to sound too disturbing, but when I am around kids my mind inevitably wanders to the catalog of ways in which I could harm them. I sometimes try to suppress these thoughts, while other times I embrace them as positive signs that my female body does not accurately reflect my male mind. Again, let me reiterate that the above was by no means intended to be an insult to women, and moreover, I am not trying to promote starvation dieting. Trust me, been there, done that, and would not go back to it for the world! (Oddly enough, you feel just as out of control when your weight is precipitously plummeting as when it is slowly going up.)

 please see a therapist. Talk your frustrations out. Maybe talk to your doctor about some anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressents. They are not a cure all but maybe they can help you cope.

Dont be afraid to be yourself. As long as your not hurting anybody there is no problem with being the person (male or female) that you feel that you are. There are a lot of options out there for people living like this and maybe try to find a support system for it? I know that there are a lot of people like you so don't feel like your alone. If you feel like your not getting support from you family..so what? We are meant to live our own lives. Move on and do your own thing and I promise you your people will come around, and if they don't then you really didn't need them in the first place.

Im sorry for the long post, but it seems that you are crying out for help.

There is a lot of help out there..and if you ever feel like you are going to hurt someone or yourself seek help immediately!!!!

Original Post by hilary88:

It sounds like it's anxiety-related. The skin picking and compusive eating are both signs of that. This could also be why you don't enjoy overindulging in the evenings, and can't seem to stop though you want to. I have the same problem (OCD tendencies) and it's frustrating because it can cause you to repeat the same behaviours even when you're not consciously aware that a pattern has been created. So, what may have started out of anxiety or boredom because you couldn't sleep, now continues as a compulsive behaviour (like repeatedly checking a door).

I dealt with this problem by replacing the negative behaviour with a more positive one, like making out a detailed meal plan for the week and measuring out pretty much exactly what I'll eat within it. It would really not be worth the effort to break into any of the food at any point because I'd have to replace it. Also, I find that knowing exactly what I'm going to eat for everyday helps me reduce anxiety about how my diet is going to go, and helps me stick to it. Anyway, it's not an easy task and I wish you luck. Also, I see that you wanted to shatter this "glass ceiling". Maybe that was just to make sure you could? The thing about being really exact about things and repetitive is that you can do really well at things. When I was in highschool I lost so much weight that my guidance counsellor intervened because she thought I was becoming an anorexic (low end of a healthy weight, but very tall). Unfortunately, all the scrutiny gave me anxiety about weight loss and I was not able to maintain the weight that I'd lost or get a deficit back, even though I wanted one! It's only been recently that I've been able to get myself back on track. Hope you can get through this :).

That's a strong possibility. I used to check everything twice, thrice...usually about ten times total, per cabinet, dresser, etc. I also used to wash my hands so much that I would develop sores. However, I no longer do either of those things. Maybe the overeating and the skin-picking are the even-less desirable alternatives? As far back as I can remember I have always had some sort of "bad habit" so the latter would not surprise me in the least. 

That part about the glass ceiling makes a lot of sense, and those few words might just keep me from overdoing it in the future. I am now very much aware that it was breakable, so why keep treading on broken glass?

In regards to the planning, that is exactly what I did today and things have been going well. While there is still some residual anxiety about the food possibly not being there, thereby thwarting my plan, the fact that I feel capable of being productive today makes me feel all the better. As a matter of fact, it might just be my best bargaining chip. If I overeat I cannot do my favorite thing: getting high-quality work done. So then, it is only logical that I do not overeat. I also think it helps that I plan out not only what will happen during a meal, but more importantly, what will happen thereafter. I find myself rather distractable when transitioning from one activity to another, so I think that this would be an important step in the right direction. 

Original Post by kjac76:

I didn't get the chance to read all the replies, so I hope I'm not repeating things, but, sounds to me like you may have some anxiety/obsessive compulsive tendancies. I'm not a doctor, but I also suffer from similar issues such as ... restricting my calorie intake to a certain specific number and then wanting to punish myself if I go over. Or   over-exercising if I go over, etc.

Some things I do to control hunger, especially at night, is drink hot tea. I sometimes drink chamomile and add a little warm milk. This helps me to fall asleep and fill my stomach. Drinking a full glass of water also helps.

I've also cut out some of my caffeine intake. I dring half and half caffeine/decaf coffee in the morning. And I do not allow myself caffenated drinks after 5pm.

Another thing, if you exercise, don't do it after 5pm either. It can give you extra energy that will not only keep you awake, but also make you hungry.

You may need to talk to your doctor about your obsessive tendancies such as specific number of calories to meet and picking at your skin. We all have some sort of obsessive qualities, but when it begins to interfere with your life, it may be time to talk to your doc. A simple anti-anxiety pill may help you to overcome it.  

Tea makes my stomch feel weird for some odd reason, but I have no objections to drinking more water.  As for exercise, I acutually feel much better when I do exercise at night, as opposed to when I don't. When I neglect to walk in the evening, I am left feeling rather anxious and restless. So, can't exactly agree with you on that one. I appreciate the advice, though!

Original Post by sealion311:

Agree with above posters. Skin picking tends to be a classic OCD complusion. which can also be associated with conditions like anxiety and stress disorders as well as body dysmorphia. The fact that your skin pickin coincides with your binging is no surprise.  You are craving a relaxation feeling from that anxiety inside and food (especially when eaten fast) releases serotonin which is our bodys natural "calmer".

I would suggest seeing a doctor and telling them about this, espcially the skin picking. I also agree that a low dose anti-anxiety medication would be of great use. If not, perhaps try hypnosis or other behavioral therapies. Good luck!

Skin-picking makes me feel extraordinarily clam and relaxed, almost as if I am on pain killers or something. Even if I am bleeding and it should hurt, it typically doesn't. And, in the end, the net result is always a spike in happiness, even if there was some pain involved. Binge-eating, on the other hand, only serves to make me feel worthless and miserable. This is one of the main reasons that I find the link between them somewhat bizarre. Why should I feel compelled do something that I despise doing, along with something that makes me feel more or less euphoric?

A part of me desperately wants to talk to a doctor, however, not with my mom involved and staring over my shoulder all of the time. So long as I live with my parents (and I have no say, being underage), I fear that I would simply end up being woefully dishonest with the doctor for fear that my mom would learn of what I had said. I really don't want that. I have a mostly positive relationship with my parents and appreciate all of the things that they do for me, however,  we are not close enough to warrant them knowing in-depth information about my mental problems. My mom is a workaholic and my dad has his own, much more serious, mental problems to deal with. We get along, but at the end of the day, we are not close. And I do not deny that I am a part of the problem, too. I have a very hard time sympathizing with others (I involuntarily laugh when someone cries), and as a result, don't really have any remarkable ties to speak of.

Original Post by tasherie:

 please see a therapist. Talk your frustrations out. Maybe talk to your doctor about some anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressents. They are not a cure all but maybe they can help you cope.

Dont be afraid to be yourself. As long as your not hurting anybody there is no problem with being the person (male or female) that you feel that you are. There are a lot of options out there for people living like this and maybe try to find a support system for it? I know that there are a lot of people like you so don't feel like your alone. If you feel like your not getting support from you family..so what? We are meant to live our own lives. Move on and do your own thing and I promise you your people will come around, and if they don't then you really didn't need them in the first place.

Im sorry for the long post, but it seems that you are crying out for help.

There is a lot of help out there..and if you ever feel like you are going to hurt someone or yourself seek help immediately!!!!

I honestly doubt that I would ever carry out any of the harmful thoughts that cross my mind. Despite the fact that I have these thoughts, I also have a terrible fear of hurting any living thing that conincides with them. 

I have no problem being myself. It is my family that does, and as a minor, I am basically stuck with them. Aside from this issue, my family and I get along rather well, which is not too terribly diffcult when you don't spend much time together. 

mmmmmmk

How about seeking help at a health clinic? I'm pretty sure there are doctor/patient confidentiality laws that will protect you. If not, there at least doctors out there somewhere that will place your health above ratting you out to your parents. I would do some research to find a doctor that will see you without insurance and confidentially, that way there will be no record of your visit on paper. I'm certain there are clinics out there that will do this. I think you would do well meeting with a doctor or at the least a counselor who can point you in the right direction to get some help. You are not alone and talking to someone about all your issues, honestly, will help you to understand this. Also, about your eating/picking. I think that subconciously you are probably picking as a form of punishment for overeating ... even though you get a feeling of euphoria from it, deep down you know it's harming your body, which makes you feel better.  

Also ... about exercising at night I guess I was suggesting doing it earlier in the day if you can. The reason being that exercise releases endorphins that will keep you up at night and probably cause hunger. If you can fit it into your schedule to exercise earlier in the day, maybe you wouldn't have midnight cravings.

Getting therapy while underage can be tough, I've done it. If your parents have you on their health insurance it will generally pay for at least 16 sessions.

Once their, with confidentiality rules, you can discuss with your therapist what he can divulge to your parents. I was 17 in therapy, and my rule was simple: 'nothing' I also told him I didn't like meeting him with my parents. That was after the first time it happened, and it never did again. Most therapists want to help you, so putting your own terms on it is acceptable.

Unless you threaten suicide or threaten to harm others, they will not break your trust. The therapist may still meet with your parents

The only real challenge is convincing them you need to go. I skated by that one, since they put me there, but perhaps just explaining how confused and out of place you feel would do it. They may assume that a therapist will try and convince you to be 'normal' and let them think that if it will get you in.

Original Post by minda_spk:

Getting therapy while underage can be tough, I've done it. If your parents have you on their health insurance it will generally pay for at least 16 sessions.

Once their, with confidentiality rules, you can discuss with your therapist what he can divulge to your parents. I was 17 in therapy, and my rule was simple: 'nothing' I also told him I didn't like meeting him with my parents. That was after the first time it happened, and it never did again. Most therapists want to help you, so putting your own terms on it is acceptable.

Unless you threaten suicide or threaten to harm others, they will not break your trust. The therapist may still meet with your parents

The only real challenge is convincing them you need to go. I skated by that one, since they put me there, but perhaps just explaining how confused and out of place you feel would do it. They may assume that a therapist will try and convince you to be 'normal' and let them think that if it will get you in.

I'll give it some thought. I just don't want things to turn out the same way that they did a few years ago when my mom took me to go see a doctor. To make a long story short, the doctor asked me a slew of questions with my mom standing right there, the two of them left the room, came back, and my mom and I left with me none the wiser. That really bothered me. If the whole point of the visit was for me, then why were the two of them so secretive about it? Furthermore, my mom used one thing that was wrong with me as an excuse to take me there and have something else checked out. The consequence of all this is that I have a very hard time trusting my parents where doctors are involved, and who could blame me?