~~Bingers Anonymous~~

Welcome to BA. My name is Nicole and I'm a binger.

i decided that it could be helpful to have a forum for those of us trying to recover from this evil thing called binge eating disorder (BED). Whenever you have success... post here! Whenever you have struggles... post here! need support to stay out of the cookie jar?.... post here!

i'll be posting my intake of calories everyday in hopes that showing all of you what i eat will keep me from OVER EATING.

anyone with the same struggles??

argh don't u hate it wen u accidently press "back" and it deletes all of wat u typed? it just happened :( and i luved my wording.

ok i'll try and retype it.
Dear Keemee,

I've heard so many ppl say that so many times and i'm still in the same rut. My mum has said it and other people have but it's very hard to do because altho i know that i should only eat when i'm hungry and stop when i am full. It is not easy. there is this compulsion and mindposessing feeling that is making us binge.

we are bingers who are emotional eaters. we eat to fill up a sore hole of emptiness. which is wat i did after i was sick of being anorexic to block out my family problems of my dad abusing me and my mum and my deaf sister moving to foster homes twice. She's 18 now and lives with her bf.

Once we do sumtin that makes us better so tat we can forget watever is bothering us, it becomes an addiction because of the sensation. Just like drugs, alcohol and smoking, food is an addiction of ours. well it's mine. and its harder because wen ur an alcoholic, u just have to avoid it. but we fight with it everyday because all of us need food to live.

I'm getting better now but it's because of prozac and counselling and psychiatrist. You just dont' get better because you automatically change ur mentality and forget your emotional hole.

Eating disorders dont' just happen. they are caused by the media, our family problems, our personality of perfectionist, or our self esteem.

Even though we know it's wrong to gorge ourselves because there will be food tmw, it becomes a thrill and sensation and a habit. It's like me cutting my wrists...and throwing up.i know it's wrong and there was a time wen i said to my frens how stupid anorexics and suicidals are and that it's a sin and i ended up in it. It's inevitable because of my personality. My whole family has been in depression but everyone has coped differently.

We know it's wrong but it takes time and patience to get better and understand ourselves and accept our binge eating and find strategies and support which this forum is doing!!! Keemee, it's not easy to just say that you eat wen ur hungry and stop wen ur full. We physically and mentally crave junk food because it makes us feel better TEMPORARILY and then makes us feel worse.

So all we need is support and a place to vent our anger and frustation and comfort.

tee

we are all self-medicaters. all of humanity. things go wrong to everyone, and everyone finds different ways to cope.

i self-medicate with food. and i hate myself every time because of it.

i also used to be an anorexic. deep down, i might still be. im not sure.... but all i want right now is to be healthy. the feeling of hunger and the side view of my stomach gave me internal power, and thats how i coped with stressers in life. now, i cope with food.

sometimes i catch myself thinking binge-thoughts, and i can stop them. last night, a friend logged off yahoo or something and immediately i had this urge to go downstairs and make toast. it was just a mindless binge-thought, and i was able to resist. but things arent always that easy.

i agree totally with "tee"... food can be a more difficult addiction than alcohol, etc, because a) we need it every day, struggle with it 3 times a day and b) we used to avoid it, now friends and family may still "push it"

i also think i might binge because i fear the sensation of hunger... (because of anorexia). but no matter what, there will always be some more food another time. unless i eat it all.

~

hey, sometimes i get in trouble because of my eating habits, eating too much, etc... ok, a lot of the time, even if it wasnt me who ate the rest of the bread etc... do any of you have conflicts in your house because of food as well?

Hey guys! I have joined a bulimia group to go along with my therapy and it is really helping in my recovery!

I am still binging but it's usually about 1x per week and my calories for the day end up at around 3000-4000 that one time and then normal 1500-2500 the rest of the week. I have 'binge moments' when I get a little out of control and eat 600 cals worth of random crap when I am not hungry, but I really don't consider that a large binge, putting everything into perspective. I used to end up at 5000-6000+ EVERY day back in the fall/winter when I gained 40-50 pounds in only a few months.

Something that really helps me when I want to binge is to drink a huge bottle of water with crystal light (I keep the crystal light packages in my room)... it has flavour and keeps me busy for a few minutes. Sometimes I still end up binging but it was worth a try and is rewarding every time it kills a binge!!!!!

I've read all the posts in this thread as it has gone on, and I can't believe how many former anorexics there are out there! I am one too, starting at under 100 pounds at 5'8" when I started binging... going up to 150 in half a year. Now I am back down to 132 through no serious dieting or restricting, although I do have bad days when I stop eating and never want to eat again. I am still have hunger cue issues (I never know when I am hungry) and that is a big problem! However, I am no longer trying to seriouly diet as I would love for my body to find its set point! In all honestly, I FEEL fat at the moment compared to my anorexic self and part of me would love to lose weight, but I am TRYING to eat at maintenance..

From the previous poster:
i also think i might binge because i fear the sensation of hunger... (because of anorexia)

WOW, this hit me HARD --> that is TOO true. I hate and fear hunger so much because of my past and feeling stuffed and bloated is gross but it is the compelte opposite... very interesting..

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a good day and just remember that you aren't ALONE and you won't be this way forever.

I've just thrown out some trigger foods we've had lying around in the cupboards. I'm determined to cut my night binging tonight by not eating after 8pm. It will be rewarding when I wake up in the morning knowing I've eaten right today, and haven't done any binging. :)

I kind of smiled and laughed when I looked at these posts... what a bunch of loonies we are, huh :-)

You know, I think I learend about bulimia in a movie... and my whole thought was "what a great idea!"   actually even HOPED for anorexia... (never was "lucky" enough to get that.)

I've been doing well, tho.. I haven't purged in about two months (unless taking extra doses of fibercon counts)... and I've only binged twice in the last month.(both times when I was in "party" mode... had too much to drink... and lost my sense of reality.

It's interesting, tho.. this part of my personality that makes me eat the way that I do...  12.000 calories a day used to be the norm for me... sometimes I"d purge... sometimes not.. but regardless I was 343 pounds...

...so now I need to find this new place to channel my OCD... and funny enough... for me.. it's still with food.  I am OBSESSED with my calorie intake and working out... definitely addicted... seven days a week.. about an hour a day...

so some people are starting to question whether or not THAT is healthy... Do you ever feel like screaming?  GIVE ME A BREAK HERE!  This is so much healthier than what I was doing... and if this is how I have to channel my binge behavior... so be it.

(Sorry... didn't mean to rant!)

Well, I did not binge today. I probably had less than 1000 cals, which really isn't the healthiest, but even though I want to eat more now, I know I'll probably wind up binging. Maybe I'll have an apple or some carrots or pepper slices if I do get hungry before bed, but for right now I'm actually satisfied - not hungry, not too full. Hope everyone else did as well.

Mike:

There are no "experts" on here.. .I just feel for you... like you're crying out for someone to help you.  Have you gone to the health center at your college or anything like that to talk to them.  I read your profile... and you're obviously an otherwise healthy person.  It's so hard for me to see what you're doing to yourself on a daily basis. 

I know I don't know you, and I don't mean to overstep any boundaries...  but I dealt with this disorder for such a ridiculously long time... and there's nothing fun about the "binging"... even while it's happening the guilt is soooooo overwhelming... it's paralyzing...

... and you have so many things to be proud about... like the fact that you did well today...

...and if it's only 1000 calories... so be it... you can't beat yourself up about EVERYTHING all of the time.  If that is one step you're taking...  take that step.   Get that part under control... then work on the next problem.

Don't try to tackle the whole world at one time.. it's so not about being perfect.

Thanks so much for the advice Tamara. It means a lot. I did well again today. I ate more than I wanted, but at least no binging!!!

B: 100 cal yogurt, strawberries
S: mini cheddar rice cakes with salsa
L: tuna with lowfat cottage cheese and salsa, a few pepper slices
D: pasta (homemade by my mom), salad (with light ranch and ff  italian) and a small piece of garlic bread
S: mini pretzels with cottage cheese and salsa and an apple - wanted to binge but stopped myself.

probably around 1700-1800 cals, which i guess isn't really that bad.

i dont binge quite as bad as i used to, but i still over eat terribly EVERY DAY. still, its improvement.

i like cheerios with a dash of cinnamon, a drop of vanilla in the milk, and maybe a packet or two of splenda on top.
i also like oatmeal with cocoa powder and cinnamon / vanilla.
healthy, delicious. perfectly portioned. (if i can stop at one bowl)

third day straight not binging. had about 1600-1700 cals today. more than i wanted, but still pretty good. nights get to me. i just had about 450 cals tonight about 3 hrs. after dinner but i stopped before i got any farther (almost dug into some pasta). even though i really wish i would have gone for some carrots or an apple, i'm feeling like i have more control now. getting ready for a trip to portland for a convention, so hopefully all will go well. good luck everyone.

well, i over ate kind of psychotically, but it wasnt as bad of a binge as it used to be.
and it was only during one period of the day. not an all-day-long struggle.
tomorrow is stress. wish me luck.

hey i was browsing and i saw this group, and read an article about binging. and it described exactly what i had!

it was possibly the most amazing and humiliating and smartest thing i ever did. NOW i know why my "dieting" doesn't work. wheee

admittance is the first step to recovery.

I just over ate, not as bad as a usual binge but i wrecked my calorie count for the day. I had frozen yogurt, not sure how much cause i ate it out of the carton, about a dozen soda crackers with peanut butter and a bag of frozen grapes. I feel disgusting, and now dont have enough cals left in my day to eat dinner!! I need to be good for the rest of the day and week, wish me luck!

i binged today too (broke my streak). i overate some pasta at lunch and it just made me want to eat more and more throughout. i have to figure out a way to stop myself from going into binge mode once i overeat a little. ugh. i feel kinda sick now. but i think it was less than 3000 cals so i guess it's not too bad, considering I've only had around 4500 the past 3 days. hope everyone else did better.

2 hashbrowns, 1 raisin toast buttered, 1 cup coffee with 3 tbs cond milk, pear, 1 slice cake, 1 taco with salsa, almond jelly, 1 c  chips w tomato sauce, banana, more cake, 1 icecream pop and bag of lollies....

argh and that was in one afternoon....:( i feel gross...started purging again and this sunday is a big feast for my church anniversary...:( sik of this

need help to find a counsellor specialised in eating disorders. the one i been seeing has bronchitis so i've only seen her 3 times in 7 months!!! not much at all :(

Tee

Trying to Break Free

This illness dawned upon me, has ruined me bits to bits.

I feel so alone,

So lost and not worth living

For this hatred I have on me.

This constant obsession with food

To fill this empty hole

Is driving me to the edge

And causing all regret.

I wonder to myself how I ever got this way.

I don?t know who to blame,

My family, myself or the world?

My loss of family love is unbearable

Feeling isolated like all I have is me.

Sister, father, happiness all gone

And nothing left to control.

Looking at my rounded stomach and all that food I crave,

I sneak into the toilet to clean my guilt all out.

Taking a safety pin, scissors, knife and tweezers,

I close my eyes and cut

That rounded stomach and my arms

Oh how much I despise them all.

Looking for a place to live with affection, love and care

The warm feeling that I long for most

Seems never to be found

I think desperately, could the hospital take care of me?

Removing 10 panadols I take them one by one

In hope to live elsewhere.

I don?t know why I?m doing this

Oh God please just forgive me.

What is happening to me,

What am I thinking,

Why can?t I be normal

So carefree like I used to be?

This stupid fear I have

Of gaining weight and fat

Has made a barrier that I rebel so much against.

I don?t know what I?m thinking

I don?t know why I?m still living.

Why did this just happen

And why is it  everyday?

Why do I wake up to it  continually

And why don?t I just change

It?s ruined all my studies and my mind and everything.

This sickness has affected me,

So mentally, physically and emotionally.

I feel like I am stuck

With no one able to help.

This is in my hands.

it is all my fault.

I?m ruining my year 12

My life, my mind, my image.

The constant nag of food,

Weight, family, God and all

Is taking over me and I just can?t take it now.

Oh God, please just heal me

Before it is too late.

Failing all my subjects

Distancing from You.

Not wanting to live

Nothing to live for anyway.

Why can?t I just stop?

Why this eating disorder?

I know things happen for a reason

But I just can?t stand it now.

I must only trust in You

To get out stronger than before.

But that will be very long until I feel like living.

Everyday is a struggle to fill up this sore hole.

This emptiness I feel, this sorrow, this plead,

This obsession?

So useless, ashamed, embarrassed,

I don?t know what to do.

All I want to do is just turn back time to change

But that can never happen.

I want to get out of this so bad

Keep living, free and happy.

But how can I with all isolation?

No unity, warmth or family.

There?s no one to turn to

But teachers, doctors and You.

So impossible, so painful,

I want to disappear.

This eating illness,

Mental illness

Is cutting me to bits.

I know I must move on

I know I can get out.

Well maybe I don?t know

But I can only pray and hope that I will be

That happy Titi

Carefree, bubbly and loved.

 

what if i stopped thinking about food like an expert?
what if i... ate what i felt like, when i felt like it?
and didnt consciously tell myself to do that.
i would be happy.
i just need to stop being around food so much.
stop focusing on food as the center of my life
i need other hobbies
its just hard to ... change.

Hi, my name is Kate...I was really struggling with depression within my first year of college when I went away from home and I actually lost weight at frist because I was too sad to take care of myself...I have always been a thin girl, but I got down to 103 pounds at 5'7 and I knwe I wasn't eating or being healthy. But of course I still loved the fact hat I was wearing double zeroes which I know is so sick. Well I transferred schools to be closer to home which did nothing but made me feel worse b/c It was never my plan. I started bingeing for the first time and at first I thought it was simply emotional eating until it started to affect my life, classes, and I became even MORE depressed. Is it possible to put on like 5 pounds in less than 2 weeks b/c it certainly felt like i did! anways...i can't explain to my family why I just want them to tel lme everything will be OK and I cry and cry and tell them wy I'm so sad....they think it's sick that I would think my stomach looks fat when in reality, anyone would feel gross when the QUANTITY you're eating is out of control. I go through it in my head how I can keep doing it if I nkow how miserable it makes me feel. I'm now 5'7 115 pounds but I'm sure it will climb b/c I just have not stopped this week b/c I am so depressed w/ my whole family gone for a wedding. I just ahhh i'm like crying right now...does anyone jsut after bingeing always get to that point where they just ask God to please make it better??? Or whatever and whoever you believe in, to jsut ask please?? I could really u se some support. Sorry for rambling guys. Thank you!I send you all my support and hope

You guys make me so sad.

I do stop and pray to God for help.

I'm 34.. and I really think it's over now... I think I"m finally fully recovered... but I couldn't have in my 20's... I don't think. 

I can only tell you what I know...

I can tell you that food isn't entertainment...  Food is there for nourishment... so if you need to do something entertaining... then do... but it's NOT food...

...and I can tell  you that "healthy" is not a flashing neon finish line.  Healthy does not mean "Okay.. .I've been good for three days straight... It's okay to eat a gallon of ice cream."

It's about making a decision that yes, your life may be consumed with food forever... but at least it will be consumed with the thought of healthy.

Realize how much better you'll feel if you stop... physically and emotionally... and realize that you ARE worth it... you don't want to feel like crap anymore!

Turn to people for help when you need it.  Turn to God for help when you need it... not for forgiveness after it's done.

and kate... I understand EXACTLY what you mean about looking good.. but feeling gross.  I can't TELL you the numbers of times I had finished a marathon binge... Went in the bathroom to get a rubberband... time to tie my hair back...  and looked at my ENORMOUSLY fat face with shock and awe... and somehow told myself it lookied thinner after purging... nose running, eyes watering, exhausted, ashamed... and hungry...

Hi, my name's Kiera and I'm 22 y/o. I've been bulimic since i was 16, and binge eating lends a large cause of this. It's next to impossible for me to eat "normally", especially when I eat alone. I've easily consumed more than 5,000 calories in a day. I'll alternate all of this with days of fasting, taking laxatives in the form of pills/teas/yogurts, and excessive walking.

Sometimes I'll think I'm getting OK, and I won't have a binge/purge (b/p) session for weeks at a time. I'll be exercising and eating moderately. But then I'll break down, want to eat everything I've been restricting mysel from having, all at once. In excess. I eat two bites, feel guilty and figure I might as well eat the rest, and everything else as well, since I already messed up. Of course in the end, I'd have been much much better off stopping after those two bites.

Like the poster said a couple entries back, I wish food didn't consume such a large part of my daily thoughts. I wish I didn't think about it all the time, i wish I didn't count the hours between meals, trying to figure out if it's OK to eat yet. I wish i didn't feel like by just consuming calories, I'm a failure and will gain weight. I wish none of this had ever started.