~~Bingers Anonymous~~

Welcome to BA. My name is Nicole and I'm a binger.

i decided that it could be helpful to have a forum for those of us trying to recover from this evil thing called binge eating disorder (BED). Whenever you have success... post here! Whenever you have struggles... post here! need support to stay out of the cookie jar?.... post here!

i'll be posting my intake of calories everyday in hopes that showing all of you what i eat will keep me from OVER EATING.

anyone with the same struggles??

5th day binge free !! :]

congrats love_lipstick! 5 days without binging...that's great. I've been a binger for i dunno..a year...and the longest i've gone without a binge would be just 1 day.

I haven't been on this for AGES! i was scared that once i went on this, i'd get worse...for the past month i have been atrocious...binging nonstop and vomiting everyday. but when i vomit, i only vomit about half of what i binge. I'm yet to understand how that happens...but i decided to go on and have a look coz i had the most horrible night last night. And tonight there's a wedding to go to and at the reception there's like a 9 course meal. they're in tiny bowls/plates and come every 10 mins or so but it's scary coz i don't usually eat after 7pm and that's when they start serving. I don't wanna be sitting there not eating. I was thinking of starving till tonight but too late. i've already had breakfast and binged on 2 pieces of chocolate cake. darn.

this is what i typed last night..i find it helpful to vent on a piece of paper but i couldn't be bothered writing so i typed. i'm gonna cut a few bits out coz it's too long.i have a habit of doing that.

Here I am...slits and blood all over my arms, laxatives in my hand and tears streaming down my face. Today I binged 3 times and tonight I just couldn’t vomit it out. I feel so scared..that I’m gonna be looking in the mirror with my chubby face and my bulging belly, overweight, ugly and unloved.

I just don’t understand why I just cannot keep to an eating plan, why I just keep walking around the shops hunting for something to eat when I had already eaten a sandwich, piece of chocolate cake and a fruit. I go out and buy more chocolate. And then its chips and then I start looking for a magazine that shows me how to lose weight and what to and what not to eat. It seems I have a lot of those books. I highlight and I write up plans and goals and yet I throw them out of the window the next morning, waiting for another binge.

I’m just so sick of wanting to be skinnier or even wanting to be normal. Why do I keep comparing myself to other girls and listening to what people have to say about my body? “gee, you’re looking chubbier these days..” or “wow...seems like you ate heaps in Vietnam”, or “you need to get back to exercising” (duh, I do exercise) or “why can’t you get a balance...one moment you’re eating virtually nothing and next moment you’re eating like a horse”....WELL I CAN’T SEEM TO FIGURE THAT OUT EITHER.

I HATE THE FACT that I know exactly what to do to lose weight, how much to eat, portion sizes, exercise plans and things to do when I’m bored BUT I CAN’T PUT IT INTO PRACTICE. WHY OH WHY... I keep buying books, writing up eating plans, writing up exercise plans and time schedules, hoping to be the old, organised Titi I used to be. Instead I’m cooped up in eating, going on the laptop and watching movies endlessly, going to bed at 1am and waking up so late. It’s so stupid.

I’m hoping to get back into an eating routine, to go into an early morning exercise routine and to follow my timetables but I know it’s going to be hard.

Why can’t I just look at food as a way to feed my body and to have strength to go on? Why can’t I honour my body with healthy food and do other things that are fun? I just don’t understand why.I’m just so sick of myself. I’m sick of having my head down the toilet, eating every hour of the day and reading books that I know won’t help me.  I’ve lost weight before, I’ve been organised and perfect...why can’t I be like that again? Why can’t I see this food as a way of living? Why do I have to have mixed thoughts on my mind all the time...Thoughts like, “you’re fat, ooh I feel like chocolate, she’s skinny, I could be skinnier, what am I going to eat next, how many calories have I had, how much are those lollies?”

I’m so sick of people looking at me and saying I could look so much better if I was skinnier. Thanks...I’ll be sure to remember that.  Or people saying, “you shouldn’t eat so much”...thanks and you can talk? Or people saying “you’re getting a bit fatter”. Wow...and did you know that I look in the mirror and reflections every five minutes to cringe at myself?

I just hate myself so much. Ok I don’t hate myself. But I’m just so angry with myself. Why can’t I do what my goals are? Why can’t I stop this cycle? Why can’t I start afresh? WHY, WHY, WHY?

GOD, why can’t I trust in you, honour your body, keep focused on you and give my worries to you? Why do I have to keep thinking about myself...God I feel so selfish. Why is it me, me, me??!! Why can’t I give myself to you, think about the starving kids and think about my family? Why can’t I just be thankful for who I am and what I look like and that I have a functioning body?  

Someone just help me understand why I’m doing this to myself.....help me know what to do to get back on track to how I was like 2 years ago. Please anyone, just help.

well hope you guys are having a better time with your eating. I did end up waking up early to exercise (i usually exercise before bed) so that was good. coz i found out you burn 40% more fat if you exercise in the morning before breakfast.

look after yourselves guys..lol that's a bit hard to do with the binging aye...

I feel like I could have written this myself.  It's surreal.  I wish I had some great words of wisdom.  All I know is that we just have to keep trying.  I don't know why we haven't made it work yet, but we have to keep trying to make it work.

Good luck. 

Anyone ever binged on COOKIE DOUGH????!?~?

hi everyone, i posted on here a long time ago and support from everyone on here really helped me. ive been doing great for a while now and havent binged in forever. but recently ive been kinda depressed and really hurting on the inside. ive been giving into a lot of eating impulses bc it takes my mind off of whats wrong and binging is becoming a problem again. it was such a battle before and now that its starting to show up again, i feel like i should be open about it (even if its anonymously haha). thanks everyone, and please help me get past this stumbling block once more :)

i just wish i could stop binging. it feels like this will never end...

i failed again this week.  Gosh, this has been so hard.  it's worst than last month.  today i had a major binge and now it's worst than death.  i can't purge and won't even try, but my stomach is killing me.  i can't breathe.

I am a college student and I am most definitely a binger having binges around 2000 calories all in cookies, brownies, PBJ sandwiches, and starbucks.  After binging I always feel ill.  Not always sick to my stomach.  Its more of a sensation that my skin is stretching to accommodate my weight gain/excessive food.  My councelor told me that it is impossible to feel your skin stretch, but i swear that I do.

When I binge, it usually starts out of boredom, stress, or depression.  I am never actually hungry when it starts but just eat and eat and eat and have no control.  I talked to my mom about my eating issue and she doesn't think anything of it cause I still have a small frame (i'm 5 3 and only weigh 108 lbs).  But my figure now consists of a lot more fat that it used too.  No one really knows the extent of my problem but i'm in such physical pain and am very depressed about my eating habits.  I am trying to break this habit but am having a hard time because I don't know when to eat and when not to eat.  My eating habit does not involve cycles of starvation and binging so basically I always have the sensation of being full.  Recently i've been eating  because I feel like i should to maintain health and energy.

How do I break this habit??? Do I eat breakfast and try to eat regular meals even though I am full from my last binges or do i starve myself for a day or too to feel hunger again????

 

lil_t88: I freaked out when I read your post.  It was like you were writing the thoughts in my head.  It feels so good to know there is someone else out there that feels this way.  I feel like I am totally out of control when it comes to eating sometimes.  I, like you, know what I should eat and how I should work out but for the life of me, I can't do it.  I want to feel good about how I look.  I want to be healthy.  I used to throw up after I ate but I haven't for a long time.  I don't want to go back to that because of the damage it was doing to my body but I did lose weight.  Plus, my boyfriend would freak out and probably leave if he found out I was doing it again.  How are you doing today?  Have you found anything that helps?  I hope you are having a better day today.

i am so happy to find this forum.  i'm in the middle of a binge right now.  i would never admit this to anyone if they knew who i was because it is so embarassing.  i feel exactly the way a lot of you all do. lil_t88, i can identify with basically everything you said.  I lost a lot of weight my frshman year of college. i was really depressed and just obsessive about what i ate.  I used to be a hardcore athlete and never worried about what i put in my mouth, but when i stopped at the end of highschool i was so worried i was going to get fat that i took it to the extreme.  NOW, i feel fat. i've gained 20 pounds since september. i feel so fat but at the same time i feel so guilty for thinking it because i'm no where near as fat as some people.  i just don't want to be like this anymore.  id rather be disgustingly skinny as i was and happy than this weight and so depressed.

 

i need help talking through things.  does anyone feel the same and want to have a daily check in?  (e-mail? im session?)  i cant do this alone.  Ive tried therapy and im just not patient enough.  i need to talk to someone going through the same thing...

 

lil_t88, I could have said your words too!! I think there a lot of people here with the same issues and thoughts.

What is interesting, I posted about "recovered" binge eaters a few days ago. I got ONE response. Seems like this is something, once developed, is going to be a life, long struggle.

Good luck to everyone.

WOW...

Hey guys..i am completely shocked at the number of replies i got from my post. I'm so sorry i didn't reply earlier. It's just...I feel that every time i come on here..(even though this thread is here to help everyone, not to sabotage them)- i get worse. But this is great!

Hattierod, cristin,vicious_cycle and sherea..Hang in there. Gosh..i know it sounds really stupid to say that..but i feel that it's impossible for us to be stuck like this forever.

thanks for letting me know that there are people out there who feel exactly how i feel..that we've all lost weight before..(probably an unhealthy amount of it in an unhealthy way) and that we feel so stupid because although we read all these books and look for help about overeating that we just seem to throw it out of the window and keep binging. It feels like you're helpless and no matter how many nights you go to bed saying to yourself that you'll start anew tomorrow and that you WON'T binge tomorrow; that it all happens AGAIN.

thanks to hattierod..yeahhhh we will find a way to make it work. Recently i was getting better at refraining from chocolate but then easter came and today i said to myself, "what the heck, it's easter..just indulge. you can be better next monday". haha..well you and i know it isn't that easy.

Cristin, wow..i'm so glad you have such a caring boyfriend who worries about you purging. Yeahhhh purging isn't a very good idea coz it just exhausts your body and i don't know if you're like me but after i purge everyday for about a week or two, my 'gag reflex' automatically shuts down for about 2 weeks or even 3 because it's trying to defend itself..haha i don't know if it's actually true but i just can't seem to make myself vomit after a week of constant vomiting. And even though you might be losing weight from purging, the face may tend to swell up and with me, my face is the first thing my friends and family notice before my sudden weight gain. How am i today? Hm..really really grouchy and upset with my give in to chocolate. I get very angry with myself when i record what i've eaten for the day because it just sickens me how much i can eat! I hope YOU are feeling better! Especially in this easter break. It's hopeless trying to give up chocolate in this period. Have i found something that helps? Actually..I've found a friend only 5 minutes away from my house. If i have enough willpower, it helps me to leave the house and come over to his to hang out. I feel embarrassed pigging out in front of my friends so it helps. Maybe you should try something like that? It may help.

Vicious_cycle, OMG..I know how you feel. It may come out a bit wrong but sometimes i wish i was super skinny instead of unhappy with my weight. there are a heap of family members that have seen me in my anorexic stage and i DREAD to see them because that's the first thing they comment on.."MY, you've grown chubbier and fatter. It's so much better than being skinny but i reckon you should stop growing. this is a bit more than good." LITTLE do they know that i have NO idea how to maintain this weight and that it's slowly creeping up because of this horrid binging. Infact i'm seeing them next monday after an easter feast tomorrow at church (every family brings in a plate of food. so that's around 50 different meals/courses/types of meals). I wish that i was still skinny and that i could fit the clothes that i used to have and just wear push up padded bras and fulfill the asian stereotype that they're all skinny. (i'm asian btw!)
Daily check in!!!!that SOUNDS wonderful! WOW..that'd be great. I sometimes talk to my sister about my binging and feelings on msn and i meet my psychiatrist once every week but it'd feel so special talking to someone that can relate to me and that we can give each other valid and relevant tips, advice and encouragement. Email this account so i can add you and we can take it from there! yay..^^

sherea, I honestly don't know if this will be a lifelong struggle and i sure hope not but i think that there may be a point in life where our bodies will automatically say no to binging..i don't know..or someone "high above" will give us a special situation that will help control our urges..i don't know but i have hope. It may be very little hope but there's still hope. I'm a planner. Like..i love planning my future family, husband, kids, etc. and in the future..i don't even imagine myself still binging and being suicidal and harming myself. I see myself as someone who might be able to help others like me. You see, I'm studying to be a dietitian right now(how ironic haha) and I'm hoping to do some psychology and counselling so that it won't be only sports nutrition/diet and heath..but eating disorders wise as well. when i was anorexic going onto bulimia/binging, i sought for so many dietitians but they couldn't help because they didn't know what to do with my family problems as this was eating away at me which was my trigger to binge to fill this sore hole in me..whereas when i found a counsellor, they couldn't help me with nutrition as they only had a degree in counselling. So i hope to combine the two and help people like us. I am praying everyday for all of you and for us to one day be happy with ourselves again and being able to eat like a normal person. Sometimes that's all i want. But other days all i want to do is lose weight. Which is a bad concept of thinking.  

But yeah! Wow..i'm seriously amazed at the words that i said..that many could relate to them. On most days, those are the words that are on my mind constantly. That's what occupies my thoughts almost everyday. Why I can't be normal like everyone else..why i can't put this in perspective and see that there are starving people out there and sick prostitutes and homeless people out there...yet we're stuffing ourselves and feeling sorry for ourselves. Yeah. It sounds so horrible and it makes me feel horrible but this helps. To know that there are people out there who feel how i feel and that we can maybe help each other. that this is a place where we can be accepted and not looked down upon. I feel that i can say ALL i want with out being ashamed. Thank you Nicole for starting this thread!!

Talk to you all soon aye. Really..I am praying for you all..that we can help each other through this and have hope.Take care!

-Titi

Good morning my buddies!!  How did the holiday weekend go for everyone?  Mine went well.  We had a bbq with friends.  I ate pretty ok as far as bbqs go.  It's the alcohol I need to work on.  Even tho I drink light beer I know that the calories pile on all too easily.  I was looking at some pictures this weekend taken this past summer and it is just amazing how much thinner my face looks.  It made me sad.  I get all motivated to go to the gym after work this week then I find out that my boyfriend won't be working out of town like he thought.  I want to work out so bad but then I want to be with him.  That makes me sound so much like a dumb girl.  If only he would work out with me, that would solve all my problems! LOL!  I should make myself go anyway cuz almost more than wanting to lose weight for me I want to lose it so that he will feel like he has a hot girlfriend.  I swear almost every single one of my girlfriends is smaller than me.  I can come up with an excuse for anything.   UGH!!!!

Anyway...I hope you guys have a good Monday.  Talk to you soon

ugh. it's only morning and already i've binged on cereal. they were the healthy kinds, but still... well, at least i have the rest of the day to burn off the calories. i'll probably do a workout in an hour.

i could not hate myself any more than right now. I just don't understand why i keep binging and binging and binging.

since last friday my friend at work and i have made this challenge to lose 11 pounds in 10 weeks..it's not going so well...the good news is that i haven't had chocolate since then but the bad news is that my binging has gotten worse and it's like i can't face anyone coz inside i feel so fat and outside as well..people keep saying why my face is so chubby. probably from the binging and purging.

gahhhh did you know i skipped college today to stay home and study except i spent half the day eating every half an hour??i've had like 5 binges now and 1 big purge. I'm trying to stay away from sweet stuff so i've had a tonne of fruit instead and sneaked in a bit of mentos rolls and condensed milk and lollies. gahhhhh

now i'm deciding not to have dinner. and it's like only 3pm. man i wish this was over.

Wow. I'm a new user, and I have been having the EXACT same problem as all of you! I've had an extreme binging problem since I was very young, and was overweight all through my childhood. Even when I'm not hungry, I just cannot stop eating out of emotional habits. lil_t88, I did the exact same thing the other day. I've always thought it was just me, but I'm so glad that there are other people out there who are actually fighting binging and winning.

Last year I managed to lose ten pounds through healthy eating and by stopping the binges. However, in the past month or so I've started to binge every night while I study (about 1500 calories a binge) and since then I've gained about 10 pounds. It's really scary, and I just want to lose the weight and feel healthy and happy about myself again. One of the problems I've been having is that I have no one to confide in, or to tell about my goals. Today, I SWEAR to you all that I will control my binging! I will lose this extra weight :)

So... I used to have a binge problem (for about 2 years).  When I found out I was going to be a brides maid in my friends wedding I got my **** together and started exercising and really taking advantage of this site. Everything was going well. I lost 15 pounds in time for the wedding and was really toned. Then I moved out of town, was dealt some personal blows and realized that I have no idea what I want to do with my life, career wise. This is of course after taking out a mountain of student loans and getting my masters. Now I find myself binging again. Last night before bed I ate upwards of 3,000 calories in under 2 hours. I am nervous that I am falling into old habits and wondered if anyone had any tips on how I can stop before I this gets out of control again.

i have the same problem. i can't have anyyyyy junk food in the house. no donuts or chips or soda. it keeping the kids healthier too since i got rid of that stuff!

Uggggh... I can't believe I just ate half of an entire cake.  I hate it when I lose control like this.  I wish my mom would stop bringing home all of these desserts!  Cake, cookies, brownies, candy...  And I'm the one who ends up eating ALL of it!

I'm trying to learn how to live normally, because let's face it: there is always going to be food lying around when you live among others.  And with my family, it's mostly junk food.  I can't wait until I move into my apartment and can control what I keep in the kitchen.