~~Bingers Anonymous~~

Welcome to BA. My name is Nicole and I'm a binger.

i decided that it could be helpful to have a forum for those of us trying to recover from this evil thing called binge eating disorder (BED). Whenever you have success... post here! Whenever you have struggles... post here! need support to stay out of the cookie jar?.... post here!

i'll be posting my intake of calories everyday in hopes that showing all of you what i eat will keep me from OVER EATING.

anyone with the same struggles??

try not to dwell on it too much livetolove~

we all know how frustrating it is to fall off the horse when you've been doing well, but remember that tomorrow is a new day. you don't have to fall into the same old cycle. remember how happy you were for the month that you were binge free and how big of an accomplishment it was! what i try to do after a binge is add 5-10 minutes on to a workout (usually a run or on the elliptical) every day that week. that way i burn off at least some of the calories and it gives me time to think about how bad i felt after i binged and how good i feel when im doing something good for myself, like working out : )

just a suggestion but either way, just dont give up!

KAY BUG - A LOT of people do not stop binging straight away!

After almost every binge a lot of people swear “ it is the last time” they will ever binge, so seldom are people able to just “ STOP” every time they promise themselves they will stop! How many times have YOU promised yourself that it is your LAST binge and that you are NEVER going to make yourself feel that bad again? It aint easy to stop binging!

I certainly did not just STOP. If you put that pressure on yourself then you are setting yourself up to fail, and it does not make you any less strong then some one who does stop straight away, we all go through experiences differently therefore how we recover cannot be measured against each other! We all have different problems/pasts/ families/ back grounds and therefore OF COURSE we all cope differently!

I only made real progress once I stopped putting pressure on myself to quit; I took it each day at a time, and each time I stopped myself from binging was a victory, and I just aimed to be able to stop myself more and more and make progress until the day when I was able to STOP myself from binging more then I gave in, and therefore just stopped binging.

 

It is harder to keep on binging though, harder on your life and more pain to go through then quitting, and you will realize this the less you binge. The MORE you are able to fight an urge to binge , the more you will realize that it is MUCH easier to QUIT then to KEEP BINGING; it is easier to lock yourself in a room, go for a walk, and just DEAL WITH those awful urges then it is to keep feeling horrible every time you binge.

Trust me, in the end it feels MUCH more appealing to handle the awful feelings of resisting urges to binge, then it is to handle the devastating loss of control from binging. Think of it that way!

And BY THE WAY - I still get old urges to binge. I have not binged since October, and even then I had stopped binging regularly.

What keeps me focused on is the desire to eat normally; I normally eat a certain way each day but I allow myself to go “ outside” my normal plan if I need to occasionally, I just do it and get on with things.

Today I felt extra after my snack so I had the nuts I was saving for later. It is outside what I normally do but I have managed to turn off the all or nothing mentality that would say “ stuff it, you have eaten outside your plan, you may as well make the most of it and enjoy more food and binge etc”

Just went 9 days without binging.. thought i was finally kicking it, started to think in terms of moderation... even had a few days where i was my maintenance or slightly more and not stressed.

 

Then today for completely unknown reasons other than missing my husband (who has been away on business for three weeks), boredom, access to various christmas food gifts... I went hog wild on around 4000 calories (probably more).

 

Feeling beyond wretched... feeling disgusted with myself.. but mostly just dissappointed in myself as i feel like i'm never going to get over this thing.

 

Very sad and alone tonight. 

personaltrainer87 - That was an amazing post, thank you! I know when there will be a time when I will be able to say I successfully ended my binging problems on my own pace. I always have problems with "you've eaten outside what you've planned, go splurge on more food", I think that's going to be a toughie to get around because life is so.. unexpected.

But, I try to stay positive about my binging, with every binge I learn something new about myself! I actually binged yesterday, and although I learned that I really like sugar cookies, cheetos & doritos aren't as tasty as you'd think they'd be, and that there's some good qualities about me that aren't look based. (Weird thing to learn about yourself while binging, but it happened.) I've noticed, now that I look back on it, food really isn't that enjoyable when I binge.

I'll have to keep that in mind especially next time I get the urge to binge.

I find it is help full to actually TALK to yourself ( out loud or internally!) when you make decisions that are a little out of your comfort zones - for example, you planned your meal but there is suddenly a change of plan such as you forget your packed lunch at work, or your family decides to go out for a meal instead, or you have run out of ingredients…..

In this situation, it helps me if I talk myself through it and basically “ support” myself as I would others. I say things like “ it is OKAY Leigh, you ARE capable of eating a nice lunch at a restaurant and having what you feel like even though it was not planned, just have it, enjoy it, and do not think about it after wards, it takes 3500 extra calories to gain only 1 lbs so just go back to your normal plan from the very next meal and nothing will hurt you”

 

Or “ you cannot eat your planned lunch because you do not have the ingredients, or you forgot to take it to work, but you can still make the best decision possible and it will not affect your body any differently because it is what you eat MOST of the time that counts! If you have this one different meal outside your usual plan there is NO logical reason too binge after wards, because this meal is NOT sabotaging your efforts or affect your body badly; binging WILL though

 

OH and GUESS WHAT!?

 

Yesterday, I had been really feeling like this gourmet hand made sugar free organic chocolate ( the BEST stuff ever) and I felt like having more of it then usual.

I only usually feel like one square but I felt like more, so I had 60 grams ( 370) calories of it, enjoyed it, and satisfied my chocolate craving! It was just a regular calorie sized meal for me any way, I did not feel like my planned snack so I had a little extra chocolate instead.

 

 

I ALSO ate for the hell of it last night too; I was so proud of how far I had come from binging, and I also plan to gain about 3 - 4 lbs eventually so my mind tried to sabotage me and justify a binge by the fact that I needed to gain weight any way

I DID NOT BINGE BUT - I had some sweet potato, which was fine, it is OKAY to eat because you feel like it without being hungry some times BUT….. I then went downstairs and had a HUGE slab, like 400 grams of DENCE 100% rye ESSENE bread.

I did not enjoy the bread, I was not hungry for it, but I just had it for no reason.

The difference was, that I made a conscious decision; I just let myself go and have it for no particular reason. I did like the taste of it but we all know that over doing it on food never taste as good as actually being hungry for it!

So I AM PROUD I did not binge, but of course I did not feel great about eating too much!

It was SCARY - because I feel SO FAR removed from my binge eating days where it dominated and ruined a lot of aspects of my life, BUT there is a difference between binging and over eating, and I just have to remind myself that it is better to over eat occasionally then it is to binge

hey everyone,

my name is jennifer and  i am a binger. i have been dealing with this problem for 3 years now. it is really nice to go to this site and be able to talk to people who understand what you are going through... i am really trying to kick the habit but it is so hard!! whenever i binge, at the time, i feel so out of control- just eating whatever is in site.. and of course only when i am alone. then after, when i am stuffed, i feel awful. so guilty and ugly and sad. and whenever people see me after i am so upset but i can never expplain why because i am so ashamed.  i only binge when i am mad at myself or upset about something that happened to me-- and while i know a binge will only make me feel even more worse, i still do it, maybe to have some kind of pity party for myself.

 

anyways, i know what im doing is wrong and i want to change, and i would love everyones help! and i  want to support you guys too. keep up the good work!

hi, i used to use the other post about ending binge eating.  this is has been on for the longest though, so i think i will try to post here more often to keep myself on track away from binge eating.  like most people here i binge eat last night.  i find it hardest from dinner to night, so i guess i have to make myself go to bed earlier. 

2009 is on its way and it literally scares the crap out of me when i think about the new year and my continuous binges.  i do not want to live like this anymore and looking for big changes, but good ones.

livingindubaie08, you hit your issue on the head: lonely and sad. Are you actually living in Dubai? ...having a hubby gone for 3 weeks at this time of year is a bummer.

From what I hear, you've actually done pretty well ...you just had a "blip:" it's not a new status quo.

How do you occupy yourself when your husband is gone so long? Is he home more than he's away?

Hang in there...

kaybug, you're healing...you're getting "it." Soon, bingeing (or not) will not occupy every thought: you'll just, ...well...live!  *u*

helpless...change your name to helplessnomore...identify those fears: really, write them down. Then, tell them what you think of them, how they have ruled your life -- and that you are becoming "helplessnomore" -- you will face them so they have no hold over you again!

Hope everyone is having a good holiday...taking walks, giving some affirmations to those around you. Try to smile and say "Hello" to three strangers every day. You'll be amazed at what happens. Check it out.

Sandrako 

Sandrako.. Thank you so much for your kind words.. its exactly what i needed..

 

I do live in Dubai (moved from USA with husband a year ago), he is away more than here and will be for at least the next year.  I have been busy trying to make friends and 'get a life' .. but its not the same as my home where my family are. 

I know i need to be stronger and 'get over' this lonliness and realize how blessed i am.

 

Thanks again... i'm going to try to stay healthy this Christmas season.. its definitely the hardest time of year!!

GAHHHH!!! I FOUND A WAY THAT WORKS FOR ME TO STOP BINGING!

if i feel a binge coming on;

and i just wait an hour or so (drinking a little bit of water), until i feel like i've got self control,

then allow myself a slice of bread, or something bland,

it totally works.

Hmmm, International_chick, I will have to try that. Where are you living, btw?

I've decided to try again to kick this awful thing. I was doing really well in 2007, but lost too much weight from eating normally - yikes! So now I am ready to eat normally and relax. I have noticed - I've gotten over a lot of the guilt and mind games I used to have. (i.e, forcing myself to "exercise off" the extra calories, restrict the next day, meticulously plan out my meals, letting food control my life - arhhhhh! No more!) so I am thankful that those days are over. I've learned to forgive myself and move on, however, I still do it more than I want, and I want to learn to live normally and healthily again. So for the next few months I'm going to focus on eating smaller portions, more mindfully, and try to exercise to stay healthy - that's why I started in the first place, then the weight loss turned into obsession! So now, eat, exercise, and live healthily, and I know I will find my "ideal weight" and I won't have to worry about the scale, cuz it won't affect my healthy self. Whew! That feels good - this post was more for me than anyone else, maybe it will help someone else, though.

And one thing I did want to say - whenever you fail after a long time of doing well - progress is measured in the length and frequency, so if it's been 3-4 days since the last episode, and it used to happen every other day - that's progress! And if they used to last for two hours during every meal - and now only one meal a day and only 1 hour, that, too, is progress! Praise yourself for the accomplishments, too, and focusing on them will help you have the power to do even better! Try it :)

 

 

I'm recording my relapse. I'm determined to overcome it.

4 Days, no gym visits.

2.5 Jars of Peanut butter

2 loaves of bread

6 extra large tortillas

1 jar raspberry jam

3 sleeves of crackers

1/2 box of graham crackers

20 yogurts

11 cans of soup

2 cans of pumpkin

12 100 calorie pack snacks

10 100 calorie chewy bars

1/2 a box of fruitty pebbles

1/2 a box of chex

1/2 a box of fiber one cereal

25 full cups of milk

8 hotdog rolls

2 slices of cheese

2 luna bars

2 yogurt bars

7 servings of linguini pasta

5 cups of white clam sauce

2 full bags of frozen broccoli

5 large chocolate chip cookies

2 cups of carrots

2 packets of "weight control oatmeal"

 

...honestly, i can't remember it all. This is just what i recall eating in excess. Meaning, beyond what i needed to.

 

Yes, it hurt. Mentally and physically.

I fight the urge to repeat this every single morning i wake up.

Edit: I don't know how i forgot the entire bag of reeses peanut butter cups and the four pop tarts. I guess i almost blocked it out.

On christmas day i weighed 115. One month later, now, i weigh 127. I've gained over ten pounds in one month due to repeated and alarming episodes of binge eating. I'm scared of what this extreme weight yo-yoing is doing to my body.

Oh my.........thats alot of food in the tummy...I hoping it was over the 4 days.....

I think I  binge when I come home from work....I can pack my breakfast/lunch for work and no problems being hungry during the day......But as soon I get in my car to leave work....I snack on the crackers I  packed and didn't eat because I wasn't hungry for them at break time.....Then 30mins later I'm home and opening the fridge and lookin for whatever....like last nights leftovers, chips, pretzel, sweets.....so I munch on that stuff (this is at 4 pm), then at dinner time like 6ish....I'm eating my reqular dinner. (like I just had dinner and dessert 2 hrs ago  and now I'm eating allo over again).  Then if I pack up the left overs and theres just alittle too much for that left over, I eat it......I hate throwing stuff out and it didn't fit in the container......or I scrap that mash potato pot for any scrapings that are still on there before I wash the pot...(i like the taste of it -crusty dried up potatoes - YUM).......

So I have been dieting and being good for like 1 week and I see myself slipping back into my binge mode.....I can't say I've eaten that much food in 4 days though but that late night right before bed PBJ and Choco milk was right up my alley.... 

 

Hi guys,

I've tried everything to control my binging. I used to suffer from an eating disorder, where I restricted and purged, but never had a weight so low for long enough that I was diagnosed as anorexic. I didn't have issues with binging until I opted to recover and started gaining weight. When that started I adopted a 'well I'm just getting fat anyway so I may as well eat what I like.' I ballooned from 117lb (53kg) to 155.4lb (70.5kg) in just over a month. I'm 175cm, so this was actually still a healthy weight for my height, but I put it all on in my hips, stomach and face. It just looked wrong to me and none of my pre-ED clothing fit me anymore. I decided to try and get back to me pre-ED weight of about 132lb (60kg). I began to exercise and planned my meals and sometimes I could only manage days without a binge, and other times I could go weeks without binging. Within about 18 months I managed to get my binging down to once or twice a month, I stopped drinking (couldn't handle feeling out of control and the amount of calories in alcohol, plus don't even like the TASTE, YUCK) and exercised pretty regularly, my weight was back at 132lb. Unfortunately my depression had been up and down and finally out of control, therapy seemed to be going nowhere and some of my weight loss was attributed to having my medication fiddled with and side effects from it diminishing my appetite and other times I was so depressed I had to force myself to eat. When I feel anxious I binge but when I'm depressed I have no appetite. The obsessiveness of calorie counting, striving for unreachable perfection and being overly-critical returned and I stopped being able to control my binges. A lot has happened in my life in the last 6 months - **** boyfriends, unemployment, returning to school after deferment (and hating it), sex with guys I'm not even dating because I felt I needed the affection and reassurement and just generally putting pressure on myself to look and be a certain way. All this has contributed to my relapse into binging and weight gain has made me so depressed. It started off as once a week, which I would compensate for with extra exercise then it was suddenly happening 2-3 days a week or I would be good for two days then binge. My weight has crept up to 143.3lbs (65kg). It's almost as though I'm punishing myself for my hard work. My depressive episodes have gotten so bad that I've had to be taken out of college and am currently preparing to go into a treatment facility to help my with the depression and anxiety, as well as my compulsiveness and the remnants of my eating disorder. I've actually been having suicidal thoughts recently...scary. Until then I'm trying desperately to ward of this whole 'well they're going to feed you nutritious meals and cure you there so you can binge until then.' But my admission is a few weeks away and I'm not going there looking and feeling like a huge cow and feeling even worse about myself. It sucks because I can't  even bring myself to leave the house right now, unless it's for binge food. And my friends all keep bugging me to hang out but I threw out most of my bigger clothes and so only have stretch clothes to wear and don't even want to be in public anyway!

My biggest problem is when I've eaten well and kept myself occupied all day then I come home ready to eat whatever meal I've planned for myself and there's groceries on the kitchen bench and junk in the pantry and I just lose control. My family are all bigger than me BMI wise because they're not as self-conscious as me about looking a certain way so they have no qualms about eating junk which is why it's in the damn house. And I used to be able to resist it but now I can't. So frustrating. Plus I'm too afraid to tell me friends because it's embarassing. I feel like such a whiny little b**** but I'd prefer that any day over being a cow again. I need help! x x

i'm strangely in a very good mood despite my massive massive binge yesterday. And you know why I'm in such a good mood?? I didn't purge!!! So I have no urge to binge again right now. =)

So yeah, yesterday I was craving all this junk food that I had been craving for two weeks. It was a binge, but a mindful binge (I don't know if that makes any sense). In that I ate everything pretty slowly and mindfully because I had craved the foods so badly, but I kept eating and eating despite being extremely uncomfortably, sickly, full.

So... within a course of two hours I had (in addition to my two other meals earlier)

Panda Express (2 entrees of orange chicken.. omg soooo heavenly.. and really greasy chow mein)

2 giant scoops of chocolate ice cream from Baskin Robbins

A whole box of Chips Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies (yummm)

Hershey Bar

m&m's

 

yeah... doesn't seem like much, but considering that I was already mildly full before I even began the binge, I was literally sick to my stomach near the end. 

But yeah, I am considering yesterday as a victory regardless of it, because it was the first time I didn't purge after a binge!! 

Good luck to us all! We can do this!! 

Well I'm wondering if I've set a new record.  Last Monday morning I weighed 93.5 pounds.  I proceeded to binge for 6 days straight and this morning I weighed 108.5.  I've gained 15 pounds in 6 days from bingeing.  Even allowing for water weight and food weight, how is this possible?  Taking into account it takes 3500 excess cals to gain a pound of fat, I could have easily gained 6 pounds of fat, no problem, but what about the other 9 pounds?

pemberly: i would not worry too much about it.  in the long run of things (and usually its not too long, a few weeks), that weight will go away once you go back to your regular eating patterns.  i know how it feels to let the scale rule your life, but you have to remember that its not those numbers that are the most important, it's your overall health and well-being.  im sure even now, 4 days later, that number has fallen...

 

this being said by an active binge-eater new to this forum and wanting to add to the already thousands of posts, but it is important for myself to share as well.

 

i have started a few new things to help myself overcome this terrible, energy and time-consuming disorder:

1) not using a countdown to how many days it's been since i've last binged (i read this on a bulimia website and its true, no one recovering from binge eating will do it perfectly and never relapse, its part of the process and being hard on ourselves isnt gonna make anything better).  if i binged yesterday and it happened again today, then i try to figure out why, what were my triggers, was it because i was hungry/sad/feeling fat etc...

2) eating properly throughout the day.  i have gained back most of the weight i had lost 2 years ago and it is driving me insane, but ive realised that the whole time i was at a "better" weight i was still overly obsessed by calories and not eating properly.  to try to lose it quickly i was skipping lunch and then just binging almost daily in the evenings, obviously.  if i make sure i eat every 3-4 hours or when i feel hunger coming on, i dont feel i am depriving myself of food.

3) not letting how others eat around me influence my eating.  i was eating well enough adn then moved into an apartment with some thin roommates who had such weird eating habits (having a nutella toast for dinner) and i didnt understand how they were so thin but i realised that its not because you eat junk that you are fat/ not because you are thin that you are eating proper nutrients. maybe a nutella toast could satisfy my roommates hunger for dinner, but i tried the eating junk for meals for a little while and its no good for me at all.  i need to eat properly to feel good and feel full.

4) not COUNTING CALORIES too much (funny saying that on this site).  it is important to pay attention to what im putting in my mouth but to a certain extent.  sure that hummous i made is packed with calories, but its super good for me so if i want to put a few extra spoonfulls with my veggies, than so be it. 

 

anyone else have any tips?  because with all this, the underlying emotions are still at play.  feeling lonely and sad or simply remembering my habits makes me want to binge all the time.  just today, i had a proper breakfast (yogourt with granola and a banana) and lunch (slice of that tomato-sauced veggie-full pizza with a veggie-filled salad), and then getting off the metro i told myself "wow, im sure i would have normally starting binging right now, those delicious oatmeal cookies are sold here" and just that thought triggered it:

a pack of peanut m&m's (the large packs)

4 of the extra large oatmeal cookies

chocolate chip muffin

a whole quart of cookie dough ice cream

another slice of pizza

ketchup chips and corn chips with salsa

a nutella toast on WHITE bread (why does my roommate have to buy tbat bread, i dont even actually like it...)

large glass of milk

 

Ayayayay... im not feeling as sad as usual.  I felt like crap a good hour afterwards, then i got a hold of myself and said "will feeling like crap make this situation better" and no, it didnt.  so even tho ive been venturing on this site for over a year, i decided to actually join it.

 

MERDE tho...this is ridiculous.  i feel maybe by coming on the site it will just feed my obsession, im not sure yet.

 

anyways.

i might be slightly overweight but i am STILL BEAUTIFUL and if i want to recover and start eating as normal as possible, that has to be the most important thought in my head.  i love myself the way i am.  let me repeat that all day.

 

*sigh*

 

bonne chance to you all, this is so much harder than i would have ever imagined.  mostly when you tell people close to you about it, and they dont really get it.  "just try your hardest to control it" or "well stop worrying about what you eat so much, it should stop" or "well you still look good".

Happy, I'm so impressed with you.  I just had to write and tell you that.  A couple of things:

1. So kind of you to reply to my mad venting and say something reassuring, even when you're in the middle of your own turmoil.

2. Your tips are very good and helpful and insightful.

3. I relate to everything you said.  Especially the way a mere thought triggered a full-scale binge.  I, too, can start a day with a good workout, a healthy breakfast and lunch, and just as easily flick a switch in my brain that justifies a binge with a seemingly insignificant thought. 

4. Yes, this is a terrible, energy and time-consuming disorder.  I have never smoked, used drugs or alcohol, but I think bingeing is as strong an addiction as any of them.  And we can't exactly go cold-turkey with food.  Imagine telling an alcoholic:  "You have to just drink moderately every day.  You must never get drunk again, and you may not give up alcohol."

5. Yes, you are beautiful.  It radiates out of you, through your words.  I can't believe I'm writing this, but it's true.  And yeah, noone gets it, unless they are a binger.  And I don't want to get elitist about this, but I mean a hardcore binger - not "Oh I just ate 500 calories over my allowance today; I'm such a pig".  Okay, now I really can't believe I wrote that.  But, you know, if I could "binge" like that, I'd be delighted.

I am also a binger. I was strictly anorexic for a few years but now I've been attempting to recover for several months. Despite the fact that I have been eating high calorie filling meals and snacks, I continue to obsess about food. I'm doing everything I can to prevent a binge but just can't seem to 'hold myself back'. Even though I feel sick everytime it happens, it's not long before I end up doing it again. I've been seeing a therapist but it hasn't helped. Since beginning recovery I've gained several pounds, all of which is fat. I know I need to gain weight because I am still underweight, but I don't want to do it this way! I have been referred to an eating disorder program which is beginning soon. I can only hope it helps because I can't go on like this. I just want to be normal and enjoy life again.

i'm glad i stumbled upon this forum...

i began to binge earlier in the day - but, miracle upon miracles, was able to pull myself out of its depths. it's been a LONG while since i've been able to pull the reigns in when i've already decided to go crazy... i can't believe i was strong enough to do it.

i'm going to end the day with a long vinyasa yoga session later on..