~~Bingers Anonymous~~

Welcome to BA. My name is Nicole and I'm a binger.

i decided that it could be helpful to have a forum for those of us trying to recover from this evil thing called binge eating disorder (BED). Whenever you have success... post here! Whenever you have struggles... post here! need support to stay out of the cookie jar?.... post here!

i'll be posting my intake of calories everyday in hopes that showing all of you what i eat will keep me from OVER EATING.

anyone with the same struggles??

I am a recovering binge eater.

Has anyone noticed that this thread was started 2.5 years ago???  I only read the last few entries, so to those of you who have been on here for a while, forgive me if what I have to say is repetitive...

I was a bit appalled at first to see that some people were listing all the foods they ate during a binge.  I feared that this was some kind of competitive oneupmanship ("I can abuse myself worse than you can!").  Then I thought that perhaps the purpose is to combat denial and to let go of the shame and secrecy that maintains binging behavior. 

What I do know is that reading people's binge food lists was so affirming - I thought I was the only one who could eat a half-gallon of ice cream at one sitting, then plow through a bag of Oreos and feel frustrated that I was too full to eat more than a few of the Cheetos.

Someone mentioned that while they are not an alcoholic or drug addict, they think their struggles with binging is every bit as addictive.  As a recovering addict, I can affirm the obsessive-compulsive similarities between my relationship with drugs and my relationship with junk food. 

The tough part about overcoming binge eating is that this was my first, most primitive unhealthy means of coping with my emotions.  I remember being so preoccupied with my mother's M&M's that I plotted how to stay awake and sneak out to get some, and I couldn't have been any older than 4 or 5!  My memory is not of a typical kid's interest in sugar, there was a premeditated single-mindedness to my behavior that has stayed with me ever since.

Currently I have been free from the lifestyle of daily binge eating since 9/1/08, when I joined CC.  I have had some lapses since then, and I have treated them as learning opportunities instead of shameful sins against God and country.  Learning moderation means more than portion-control, it means keeping my sense of perspective when it comes to my own behavior.  Food is for fuel or recreation.  Eating to create emotional numbness or to fill a psychic vacuum is a mistake that can teach me what I next need to know in order to overcome bad habits I have practiced for years.  It is not a result of moral deficits or weak character.

I have learned many many things, both through my own experiences and through the wisdom of CC'ers who have come before me and are successfully developing healthy habits to replace binge eating.  One of the most important ones is not to use an unhealthy choice as my excuse to go on a force-feeding spree.  Instead, I use CC to support me in fighting the sleep-walking quality that overcomes me right before and during a binge.  If I stay conscious of my choices, I can remember that I HAVE choices, and I can stop my behavior at any time, even with a Ding Dong half-way in my mouth. 

There's a "What the hell" attitude that can overcome me when I have eaten a trigger food - that's the addict in me, lying to me again.  We all know our own tricks all too well.  A couple of mine are "You'll start again tomorrow" or "You deserve a break" or my personal favorite, for it's simplicity and hopelessness:  "Who cares?"

Today, I care enough about my health and my happiness to not abuse myself with food.  I celebrate all of us on CC who are using the tools and support this website has to offer.  I don't want a brief respite from the madness - I want a new way of life!

I am a recovering binge eater, and I feel privileged to be able to communicate and learn so much from intelligent people like you!

You have articulated everything so well, and I honestly love this site for that, it allows us to learn so much from people!

I am also free of daily binge eating but I have had lapses like too! Like you, I thought of them as a opportunity instead of worrying about them.

Thanks for taking the time to share this with every one.

The struggle we have with food and binge eating is exactly like an alcoholic or drug addicts addiction issues.  But, as has been stated by many, binge eating is so much harder to overcome because it's not as though we can simply avoid food altogether.

While in college, I was definitely a binge drinker, but when I graduated and removed myself from the situation, it pretty much stopped happening.  In fact nowadays I don't drink that often at all.  It was pretty easy to remedy that situation. 

My binge eating, not so much.  I feel as though this will be a life long struggle with me.  It's gotten to the point where I'll check into a hotel for a night and go nuts bingeing.. Just recently, I finally broke down and began sobbing to my mother and told her that I cannot do this by myself.  I'm 24, but this isn't something I can kick by myself, hiding it - or trying to - by simply avoiding eating in front of others because I am so uncomfortable around food, and then binge-ing out of control as soon as I'm alone.  I'm planning on trying out therapy for the first time.  Along with my trunk load of food issues, I'm fairly sure I suffer from some sort of depression, bipolor, anxiety disorders.  Which all feed (ha..) the food and binge issues.  I can't express how much I hate that out of control feeling that will take over my body.  I'll begin shaking in anticipation.. I hate it so much.  I want to be able to eat normally and in the presence of others without feeling horribly self conscious and turning bright red.  Hopefully, I'll begin what I'm sure will be a long, hard, uphill battle with all of this soon.. I certainly cannot live like I am for much longer.  I don't even think it can be called "living". 

I'm a pretty avid fan of yoga, and during a vinyasa session a couple weeks ago at my studio back home, my yoga teacher recited this phrase: "don't let the urge to act affect your reaction."  This struck a chord in me, and I think I may adopt it as one of my mantras to chant in my head during those moments of weakness to hopefully help me through it. 

I didn't mean for this to be so long.  But it does feel nice, now, to have written out some of what is spinning around in my crazy mind..

I hope we all can beat this.. or at least have some semblance of control over it to allow us to live normal lives again.

I just spent the weekend baking for a charity bake sale, but ended up eating everything i made. then i did more baking yesterday and it sickens me to think about how much raw dough i ate, just chomping away at the giant ball of dough. i've been so good for weeks, i'm so upset at myself. i'm too afraid to step on the scale to see what damage i've done - and it's even worse because my weight had been going down :( i'm devastated and so mad at myself. it's like i knew i should stop, but couldn't, and so i just kept on going.  i said to myself that i wouldn't eat today until i was really REALLY hungry, but i've already managed to eat a banana, apple and cookie and drink a coffee. i don't think it's due to emotions, but it's like i'm trying to sabotage any progress i've made so far.

i do put a lot of pressure on myself to be more active, and i haven't managed to physically do anything about it yet (i'm on antibiotics and have been so run down because i've been ill), but i'm pissed at myself for literally coming home from work and going to bed. i'm basically going to turn into a blob of cookie dough soon, and i'm supposed to be getting fit for a holiday in a month. why do i do this to myself?? sorry, i had to vent.

I know how it feels to see myself as "a blob of cookie dough" - I'm so sorry you did that to yourself, clairebaj!

Take this experience as something to learn from, not something to flog yourself over.  You are aware that you were "trying to sabotage any progress I've made so far."  If you hate yourself, it's natural to want to undermine your own happiness and well-being!

Your behavior was compulsive, once you started it felt as if you were on a runaway train and could not stop.  Forgive yourself for your lapse, review what happened and learn from it!

I personally could not bake cookies without eating quite a few.  So if I were going to do such baking, I would just accept that I'm going to indulge, I would indulge, I may or may not add in the calories, and then would go on with my life.  This keeps me from munching like a mad woman because I am not trying to escape self-loathing.  I certainly don't weigh myself for a week or so afterward, to give my body time to recover.

I also make sure to notice how crappy I feel physically when I overeat sugar/white flour.  In this way I am learning "binging is not fun" and that helps me slow down and eat 8 cookies instead of 14.  Live and learn.

Rather than starving and hating yourself after a binge, treat yourself as if you are recovering from an illness (which it sounds like you are anyway, with the antibiotics).  Eat a normal amount of calories, replenish your stores with protein, drink lots of water, exercise lightly.  And most of all, let go of the past and forgive yourself.  If you are gentle with your spirit, you can learn to be gentle with your body.

I always feel better when I read your posts, Mad4Moon.

Claire - I feel your pain, literally.  I ate so much the other day I was actually vomiting violently all night, and I NEVER throw up after a binge.  I noticed you said that you were meant to be getting into shape for a holiday in a month and also that you felt you were self-sabotaging.

I feel that these two things tie in together, for some reason, because any time I put a time pressure on myself to lose weight, I seem to end up bingeing more (self-sabotage?).  This creates even more anxiety and panic, which makes me binge even more.  It's almost as if the bingeing becomes necessary in order to soothe myself and temporarily numb all the uncomfortable feelings. 

So why do we self-sabotage?  Obviously we do not value ourselves as we should.  I would not force crap down my daughter's throat, and keep stuffing it in even when she's visibly upset, shaking, and feeling sick.  And yet I do it to myself - so I don't care for myself enough.  Why not?  I have no idea. 

Anyway, I hope you are feeling a bit better.  I love what Mad4Moon says about treating yourself as if you are recovering from an illness; I've applied that to myself after terrible bingeing and it feels good.  Don't even worry about the effect on your weight because I find that my body can't convert a binge into anything permanent.  Just get back to your healthy regime and your body will happily dump the bloat.

Thanks for your support guys, it helped to read your replies. I'm taking it easy, and did some fun light exercise last night which helped to improve my mood, and divert it from focusing on a) eating more and b) feeling crappy about myself. I haven't binged in so long, I had forgotten what it was like afterwards. What a shock, both mentally and physically. I definitely will try my best to remember this experience the next time a bake sale comes around hahaha

Three years ago, I developed serious BED. It turned into severe bulimia after a year, and then turned into anorexia. I went into residential treatment for a month this spring, but I am now back into very bad binging/purging behaviors and am dedicated to getting healthy before leaving for my freshman year of college this August!

I binged today, but hopefully tomorrow will be binge/purge free!

I binged tonight. I haven't had a binge free day in the past 8 days. Actually, it's really been going on the past few years :( I've been working out too, but I'm getting so sick of binging, exercising, binging, exercising. I feel disgusting and so upset now. I'm almost at the point that I feel like this will go on forever. It has to stop at some point, doesn't it?

I've also binged everyday for the past week or so :(

I will stop though. I will eat healthy, rewarding foods to conquer binge-cravings. 

We don't have to live like this!

You're right, we dont have to live like this...

yet why do we keep falling into the same old traps?

I had anorexic tendencies which turned into bulimia which i went to therapy sessions for and managed to stop the purging but carried on bingeing for many months.  However, from last summer I had the bingeing under control too, well,  up untill around March/April this year where i have had some binges but they have become a lot more frequent in the past couple of weeks.  I am 14lbs heavier now than i was last September when i stopped the bingeing.  i hate the fact that im gaining weight and i hate that i am bingeing again.  I am going on a holiday abroad in just over 4 weeks and i have my highschool prom in 3 weeks so this is the worst possible time for me to gain weight.  Im terrified my  prom dress isnt going to fit because it was purchased many months ago!

Anybody got any tips as to how i can get this under control to undo the damage before prom/holiday.  I stopped going to therapy around christmas time and i dont think going back is an option- dont think it helped anyway.

Im back to thinking i should just starve myself to lose weight which is what got me into this whole mess many years ago!

Argh, please help - anyone!!!

Good question:

WHY do we keep falling into the same trap?

For me, I think my binges are either (1) emotional eating, or (2) because I'm STARVING.

I also suffered with brief periods of bulimia, but I think I have that under control now; I need to stop eating junk food (chips, sweets, etc), and then I don't feel the need to purge.

Last summer, I also had my bingeing under control, and I lost a lot of weight!!! I want to go back there. 

However, DO NOT starve yourself because (I've learned the hard way) it will backfire and lead to a binge.

The only emotional tie to my binges is the fact that i am seriously unhappy with my body.  I cannot give up my desire to lose weight, if i weighed 140lbs i would be very happy as i am 5ft8in- but i dont- im now only a few lbs away from hittin the 170s (oh god)!!  Therefore i am constantly trying to diet which leaves me feeling hungry and deprived = binge after binge = more weight gain.  If i can lose 20+lbs and work on maintaining that, im sure i could prevent myself from bingeing if i were eating say 1900 calories per day.  I try my hardest to eat healthily but i feel hungry just 1-2 hours after meals and i get spells where i feel weak, dizzy and faint and thats not by starving myself thats on around 1500 calories per day.  Last night i ate a 900ml tub of icecream and a 170g bag of galaxy minstrels whilst in bed so today im only eating dinner.  The way i see it is if i only eat dinner for most of the week and end up having 1/2 binges then ill not gain weight but if im eating my normal calorie allowance and having binges then ill keep gaining weight :(

Help!  I am a binge eater.  I have been losing weight for the past four months and I thought that I had overcome my binging behavior, but I haven't.  For the past couple of weeks I have been going on mini binges, and today I broke down and ate every sweet thing in my house (a bag of cookies, 4 skinny cow ice cream cones, half a loaf of banana bread with butter and honey, a pudding cup,and an apple to make myself feel like at least I was binging on something healthy too), past the point of my stomach hurting from being way too full.  I don't know what triggered me, I'm happy in my life right now and I've been doing so well so far with my weight loss, but right now I feel guilty and totally out of control, but most of all scared that this is going to become a regular occurance again.  Any suggestions on how to conquer this?

That sounds like me, i was managed to go from 179lbs to 154lbs when i had my bingeing under control but now that i am starting to binge again i have gone back up to around 164lbs.  I dont know how to conquer it; if i did i wouldnt be writing on this but i do know that if you try to accept what happened in your head and let it go you are much more likely to prevent a similar scenario from occurring off the back of it.  Try: "Yeah i binged, maybe gained a pound or two, but i've worked hard to lose all that weight and now im going to continue in my weight loss".

Acceptance is something that really helps me because if i continue to feel guilty over a binge it psychologically causes me to continue bingeing for a number of days and then that makes it increasingly hard to revert to healthy eating!

Hi, I'm Asia and I'm a binge eater.

I know it's not good to try to look too far into the future, but I really want just ONE BINGE FREE MONTH... So I'm focusing on June. Just have to take it one day at a time. It's hard being addicted to food, but I really want to give it my best shot.

Good luck to everyone in here and I've really enjoyed reading posts!!

me to akela9! i would love to go a full month without bingeing! i have been fighting this for a good 2 years now and have had my ups and downs. ill do well for a little while and think i have things under control, and slip up. i recently just got home from japan and hadn't binged in about 17 days. i binged the second day i was home and have been bingeing every couple days for the past 2 weeks. i'm so ready to start fresh tomorrow, after a binge tonight. before it was happening b/c i would restrict and exercise too much after. i didn't do that after my last binge, but still binged tonight. i think about food entirely too much. time to move on with my life.

rikaj - lol @ "time to move on with my life" can i join please?!!!!!!!!!?

Hi everyone, im also a binge eater. The last few weeks i havent gone a day without a huge binge. Im so glad iv found somewhere to read about other peoples struggles. Iv started a diet today and i must not binge! Im gaining weight so rapidly right now, iv gained around 10lbs in a little over 3 weeks, i did'nt even know that was possible. The things i binge most on are cookies and doughnuts and anything like that really. I would love to just eat like a normal person, im just thinking about food constantly.

nini1986- I know what you mean! I'm always thinking about food :(  I binge on things like cereal a lot :(