Binging is making me HATE myself

Heyall!

I'm new here, but I decided that maybe putting up an online post would help me.  I just diagnosed myself with Binge Eating Disorder.  I would have done so before but i never knew that binge eating was officially considered a disorder.  

Overeating drives me insane!  it ruins my day when i cant handle my own food.  I go into the kitchen in the morning and eat till i become dysfunctional, litterally.  Then it takes all day to digest.  I dont do this everyday, thank god.  It's been really bad this week.  This is my story that made me realize that i have a problem, need to stop, so i did some research and diagnosed myself with BED, or atleast something in that general direction.

I am so angry at myself because i'm a runner, and food ruined my last championship race of the season.  Imagine!  I dont even deserve to be on an xcountry team if i too much of a glutton to run!  I had been pigging out for pretty much 3 days before the race, late at night, really robbing myself on sleep.  I'c=ve gone through this week fat and tired, fun! Then I decided that i had to pig out the morning of the race.  I couldnt even control that!  And i was probably already running with 5 extra lbs in my gut from the last few days' indulgences.  I was so mad at my performance at the race that i came home and cried myself to sleep. It wasnt as if i felt some physical injury, but just because i was a bloated, belching SLUG probably dehydrated from so much food. 

The next morning, what did i do?  I pigged out on  cheap chocolate and peanutbutter.  CHEAP CHOCOLATE!  I NEVER eat cheap chocolate.  I only usually have a little dark 72% imported from Switzerland, after dinner.  I havent eaten cheap chocolate in years, so why did i suddenly just demolish hershey's?  i never would eat vast quantities of chocolate either, because i'm sensitive to saturated fat.  Even when i'm "pigging out" i dont eat particularly unhealthy food.  I usually "pig out" on raisins and peanut butter, nuts, oats and honey, hummus and sundried tomatoes and feta cheese (my main weak spots).  I guess if i'm gonna binge its a good thing that i like healthy stuff, no cakes and cookies (ive never had a super sweet tooth, always hated cake).

I dont pig out every day.  Often on Sunday mornings, which is why i hate sundays with a passion, but for some reason, since wednesday onward i've been consistently overeating.  And i hate the way it feels, always regret it afterwards, and it has negative effects on my mental and physical performance.  So why did i do it, if i knew i was gonna regret it?  Oh well.  I have put my foot down and i will stop.  I have learnt the hard way; I've pigged out a gazillion times since in the last few years, but never have the consequences effected me so drastically. That race meant alot to me, and i just ruined it.  Pathetic.  

I'm sorry for this post, but i thought that if i put it in writing for the whole world to see, and collect some responses it would help me. 

Hey alexa!

I know very well how you feel and what you mean.  I am an ex-bulimic and sometimes I binge too.  When I binge, rarely thank God, I feel in pain, as if someone beaten me and I can't move out of bed.  Probably it is because your digestive system is overloaded and gets tired trying to digest all this food.

EDs are psycological conditions and have to do a lot with control.  You know very well it is bad for you, but you do it.  Why?  The reason is hidden deep inside you.  

Maybe you should see a specialist.  Knowing that something is wrong with the way you eat and wanting to stop are two major steps towards healing, but you also need to know why you do it.  Sometimes there are deeper reasons for EDs that the image of the skinny models promoted by mass media.  As soon as you know what triggered the ED it is easier to fight it.  Also a specialist, or even a friend can help you when you fall off the wagon.  A hug or some encouraging words can give you the power to get up and start again.

I was seeing a specialist for about 3 years.  She helped my find out the real reasons for being bulimic and finally I managed to stop it.  I had many slip ups during that period, but I did it. 

It is bad you lost the race, but think of the positive side...it is a motivation to overcome your ED.  If you had won the race, probably you would keep on going  bingeing and ruining your health.  Everything happens for a reason my dear.

Anyway, you have come to the right place.  People here are very supportive and offer great advice and ispiration.

Take care :)

wow.  Its amazing how similar two people can be...  Im a runner too.   And I have the problem of binge eating. 

I know exactly what your going through.  - working out for hours, then eating everything you burnt off plus more.  

I have always binged on healthy foods too.   (maybe its an athlete thing.)    =]

This problem has given me a really low self esteem.   I wish I could just eat that dessert when Im with my friends, in stead of alone in my kitchen.

eh... I know this doesnt help.   But just lettin ya know im in the same boat.

:( I binged so bad today.

I'm going to stop thinking of myself as a bing eater.  somebody else on this site mentioned this technique.  I think it may help me a little

I am not a binge eater. I will not binge eat