How much is your body image...

...dependant on what other people think? Esp. your S.O.

I go to the gym everyday, and don't hate my body. Still have about 15 or so to lose, but I have lots of muscle tone too. But, my husband never comments/or notices, and we haven't been intimate in over 2 years. We're going to counseling, but my head is so screwed up now. I'm always obsessing over how I look, what I eat, and have total guilt when I miss the gym (even when I miss 'cuz I'm sick)...I just want to like myself again, but I find it hard to do alone?

Am I putting too much importance on a man's opinion of me? I know if I happened to meet someone who found me attractive, I'd feel so much better. But isn't that silly?

OK, pity party over. Just wanted to see how others out there dealt with this.

when i was younger, i cared a lot about what other people thought of me

when i got older, i realized i didn't want to give other people that much control/power over me

but your situation sounds unusual - glad you're in counseling - maybe you would also benefit from some individual counseling too?

I am no psychologist but trust me when I say your body is not the problem here.  Counseling is good for both of you but your size is NOT what is stopping intimate relations.

It's good that you recognize the progress you've made at the gym, notice your tone and such, that's a good start. But yeah, most people like to feel they are attractive to others, particularly others that matter to them, like a spouse. We feel good when we're positively noticed. That's not unreasonable.

But there's probably something more going on than 15 extra pounds here. Counseling is a good idea, and in the meantime if he's not coming around, think about things that you personally like about your body!

I only wish I were less dependent on what others think of my attractiveness, that I could really find the confidence within me and not require external validation. But that isn't so. I suspect that there is a crucial point in our development (I'm guessing middle school) when your body image just gets ingrained. If you're "the ugly girl" then, you will always feel like the ugly girl no matter how beautiful you are. I think it can be overcome with lots of time and practice, but a good start would be actually to find some external validation until you can believe it yourself. Believe it or not, I have managed to feel good about my weight by thinking of attractive people who have been attracted to me at X weight - that was even how I set one of my mini-goals during my weight loss. And on days when I feel unattractive I remember how many people have expressed appreciation for my body in the past when I was at this current weight or even a bit bigger. It's like an "objective" sign that I clearly can't be that monstrous. It helps me extrapolate that message into honestly liking myself.

If you are only 15 lbs overweight it should not be too difficult to find some validation. Smile at attractive men on the subway or something, harmless flirting can do wonders for the self-esteem. I agree with the previous posters who say that it definitely isn't your weight that has killed your sex life. There's something else going on... and I also second the idea of counseling.

Good luck. :)

Little if any. Most people are, generously, complete idiots, barely capable of breathing and walking simultaneously without failing at one or both tasks. Depending on them as a barometer for anything important is purest insanity.

There are some notable exceptions, of course... and I think you're absolutely justified to be miffed at your guy for not saying anything.

That said... two years? Good god. I'd be tackle-humping random passers by if I'd had a 2 year stretch of enforced celebacy.

In answer to your question - a lot.  I'd say that most people are the same.  If the person you are closest to doesn't find you attractive, then it's obvious that it's going to affect you.

I'm in a similar sort of situation, I'm male, and want to be 66kg again.  My partner weighs about 145kg and is showing resistance to me losing weight (22kg to go).  I've got this fear that she's not going to be attracted to me when I'm at 66, so I'm not proposing until I'm there and know she likes me the way I'll be.

There is way more going on here than your weight!  Who initiated the lack of sex??   Counseling is great, but he has to want to change. I'd also recommend private counseling.

Most of us want to be thought of as beautiful/sexy to our significant others. That's normal.  Shame on him that he hasn't said anything positive about your weight loss!

Bottom line is TAKE CARE OF YOU!!  Best of luck!

Original Post by trustwomen:

I only wish I were less dependent on what others think of my attractiveness, that I could really find the confidence within me and not require external validation. But that isn't so. I suspect that there is a crucial point in our development (I'm guessing middle school) when your body image just gets ingrained. If you're "the ugly girl" then, you will always feel like the ugly girl no matter how beautiful you are. I think it can be overcome with lots of time and practice, but a good start would be actually to find some external validation until you can believe it yourself. Believe it or not, I have managed to feel good about my weight by thinking of attractive people who have been attracted to me at X weight - that was even how I set one of my mini-goals during my weight loss. And on days when I feel unattractive I remember how many people have expressed appreciation for my body in the past when I was at this current weight or even a bit bigger. It's like an "objective" sign that I clearly can't be that monstrous. It helps me extrapolate that message into honestly liking myself.

If you are only 15 lbs overweight it should not be too difficult to find some validation. Smile at attractive men on the subway or something, harmless flirting can do wonders for the self-esteem. I agree with the previous posters who say that it definitely isn't your weight that has killed your sex life. There's something else going on... and I also second the idea of counseling.

Good luck. :)

 trustwomen - I agree!  FLIRT! It makes you feel good when a stranger notices you.

Original Post by glamgram:

 trustwomen - I agree!  FLIRT! It makes you feel good when a stranger notices you.

Hear hear. Flirting is largely harmless and fun (so long as it isn't done blatantly in front of one's S.O. which can lead to drama... although after two years, maybe some drama is a good thing!).

• It helps the other person feel good... most people go through their days in a quiet haze of repetition and monotony. Make their day!
  
  
• It'll make you feel good, because... hey, you just made someone's day! ;) Plus there's the nice little ego boost of flirting reciprocated.
  

The problem isnt your body image..the problem is your relationship with your S.O..  Two years? I wouldnt have let it go for 2 weeks without.  Dont mean to be nasty, but if he isnt getting it from you...where is he getting it from?  Id be climbing the walls.

Worry about yourself. Tell him exactly how you feel and dont dance around the subject.  Dont delay in doing this....if you are wondering what kind of answers you are going to get from the S.O. you probably realize deep inside what the outcome is going to be.

I agree with Patsy. If somebody makes you feel feel unloved/unwanted/not good enough for any period of time, of COURSE you're going to feel down on yourself.

HI, OP here.

Thanks for all the input. I've been trying so hard to not be dependant on others' view of me (or perceived view) to determine how I feel about myself, but I haven't had much success. I feel better hearing that others would react the same way, and that I"m not being a super-senstive ninny.

As for 2+ years without...I'm ready to jump anyone who shows any interest in me, and consequences be damned! I can totally justify it...now that's very telling! Too bad I'm self-employed and work alone all day!

Thanks all.

No sex for 2 years? That is not right.

Do you have children together? If not, I would give this counselling a chance for a bit longer, then maybe reconsider the marriage. Now, i did not say kick it to the curb, I'm just suggesting that you re-evaluate your relationship: Does it look like there is room for improvement? Does it look like there is a chance that I/we will be happy again?

If the answer to those questions, after trying counselling, is no, then I would consider looking for a new partner. It may sound drastic, but we only live once and I believe everyone deserves to be happy. I wish the best of luck to you.

The counseling has worked to a certain extent. My husband is less grumpy, more pleasant, less selfish and helping out around the house more ( I was doing 100% of everything, now I'm at about 90%...I'll take what I can get). So that's helped those problems. But we're no closer to getting closer. He says he's just never in the mood. His work schedule is going to change for the better in March/April. I'll then give it a few more months to see how that affects the situation, but not much longer. And I'm very conflicted...l'm going to leave a marriage where the only thing wrong is the sex. We get along, enjoy each other's company (when we have time together, which is almost never), not fighting...but this still sucks. Oy

I get over mine by just not looking in too many mirrors....works a treat!

We all deserve to be in happy, complete, fulfilling relationships. Sex is a major part of that. I went without for 4 years, so I know how it makes a person feel. I went into that relationship with fairly good self esteem, a little shaky on the body image but overall ok. I came out a complete wreck, totally destroyed. He wasn't a monster- we got along well, had many pleasant times together, I believe he took advantage of my eagerness to be a good mate, but that part didn't get really bad until the end.

What really hurt was the complete lack of interest. In the beginning, he told me (and showed me) that he thought I was beautiful and sexy and that he was lucky to be with me. It was only a few months in when the sex went away...there was always some excuse....I was always waiting for something to quit stressing him out. First there was his thesis, then the stress of getting kicked out of grad school, then financial hardship and grief over the lost years in grad school, then the stress of starting a new business and many many work stresses, it went on and on. Now I see it for what it was - B.S. pure and simple. He just wasn't interested. Low sex drive, closet gay, just asexual, whatever. The fact is he let me become convinced that I was unattractive...or rather, he convinced me to stay, and I did, and a side effect of that was ending up having the self-esteem sucked right out of me. I never should have allowed that. It didn't end pretty.

You cannot CANNOT allow yourself to go on this way. I too felt like I was being overly needy for wanting my partner to make me feel attractive, when I knew I should do that myself...HA. How our partner views us can be an incredibly powerful influence, after all we did choose them as our partner! I totally agree with other posters who says that your body image isn't them problem here...it's just a side effect of the real problem. I don't know if it's one that can be fixed - I couldn't.

Yikes. Your post was interesting..."there was always some stressful thing".  I'm am totally waiting for the work schedule to change, thinking that will magically fix it, since he won't be working such crazy hours. But then I remember...he's only been working these crazy hours for 6-7 months. And, he's come right out and said in counseling that he's just never in the mood. And he won't go to his doctor, in case it's a physical/hormonal thing. Yikes. I think I"m headed down your path...thanks for chiming in.

What does your counsellor say when your husband says that he is never in the mood? Does your husband say why?

And forgive me if I am getting too personal, but have you and your husband had a varied, spicy sex life, or a more 'same-old same-old' sex life? Do you ever try new things, like roleplaying etc.?

No, not really. He just likes to get it over with as fast as possible (just long enough for him to enjoy it), and one night I was pissed and said something to the effect of "I'm not a receptacle!". Sometime after that fight died down, though, we both independantly decided to abstain. I had forgotten all about this, but he hadn't and brought it up in counseling. I apologized for being so crass, but I stood behind the original sentiment. He has said I'm too much work.  Before all this, I would try some Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie, or just walk naked into the room, and he would laugh and say "I guess you want to f***".  So I don't want to do that anymore...can you blame me?

So, there's a big wall there. He's got to get more into it, and pay attention to foreplay and stuff. I've come right out said multiple times that a good foot massage always gets me in the mood and I would do anything for one! No surprise, I never get one.

Sigh...there it is.

And sadly, this is the tale of many relationships.  Why is it that people dont want to LEARN how to achieve decent orgasms (yes multiples) for the woman and a decent few for the guys?  Spicing things up is great, but both parties have to WANT to do it. 

I heard the same story from a woman who was trying to get her husband in the mood....she walked naked into the living room while he was watching a ball game.  He had the audacity to ask her to move away so he could watch the game.  Needless to say, this couple divorced shortly after that.

There are times when passion has to be felt and not taught.  But not to bash the men, but there are a great deal of them out there who havent a clue as to how to please a woman.  Likewise, a woman has the same responsibility to drive a man wild in the bedroom (and out of the bedroom as well).  If your man isnt pleasing you....teach him how.  Why remain frustrated when a simple anatomy lesson and some helpful foreplay lessons could help?  Teach him that foreplay begins in the morning w./ a kiss and something tempting to think about all day.........some men are incredibly gifted and others are sadly lacking. edit: the same goes for women, some are very gifted and others are sorely lacking.