boyfriend help? / jealousy issues.

mmkay. first of all, i feel like i sound like an idiot in this. i know its gotten out of hand, i just don't know how to fix it.

my boyfriend's ex from a few years ago started to become really good friends with him again,right around the time we started dating. she liked him too, and he chose me, so she disappeared for a while. but now she's back,and is completely all over him. at least from my point of view. she does these full body hugs, they last longer than i'd like, and shes flirty. it annoys the crapppp out of me b/c i know he cared about her a lottt as a friend, and when she disappeared to "get over him" he missed her a LOT. i've never really been the jealous type until my last ex who completely ruined my ability to trust guys. i'm working on it,but i need help. i don't want to freak out every time my boyfriend talks to this girl. and i want to be able to trust him alone with her. i honestly don't believe he'd ever cheat on me, but her being touchy makes me uncomfortable. we've had issues before with his girl friends respecting me and the fact that i'm his gf. and i feel like its his responsibility to stop this girl from being touchy, but he's scared to lose her as a friend. and he honestly doesn't seem to see it as the huge deal i'm making it out to be. he says it's just a hug and they hadn't seen each other in a long time. which is perfectly reasonable. but it drives me CRAZY. i feel like the monster jealous girlfriend who freaks out over everything. because i kind of am right now, although it is just one girl who freaks me out.

so. any advice on how to fix the girl being all over him / me being jealous issue?

You trust him not to cheat on you. Seems like he's an honest kinda guy. So it really is your issue, not his. Let it go unless you actually have reason to be jealous. Insecurity is not attractive.

Take her aside and say "look, he is your friend and he will be there for you.  But he is my BF now and you need to back off"

If you trust him then it is your issue and you need to show him that you do trust him by not freaking out.

I would not advise taking her aside and saying anything to her because then she might get worse as she knows it bugs you!!! 

double post

Simple talk to your boyfriend, tell him that some particular behaviours make you feel uncomfortable, explain which ones they are in a nice rational manner and then if he is any sort of boyfriend he will ask her to restrict those behaviours.  

If he tells her that you are jealous then it suggests he is looking for attention from her.  If he tells you to deal with it, then it suggests that he likes it.  If says you are being irrational then he isn't much of a boyfriend as he is ignoring your feelings on the matter.

Lets be honest ex girlfriends can be real cows regardless of your boyfriends best intentions and the fact that he hasn't already picked up on your feelings may mean he just likes the attention but you need to talk to him. I wouldn't talk to her directly unless you are really good friends with her as otherwise she will just think you are being territorial and make a snide remark to your boyfriend about it.

Simple talk to your boyfriend, tell him that some particular behaviours make you feel uncomfortable, explain which ones they are in a nice rational manner and then if he is any sort of boyfriend he will ask her to restrict those behaviours.  

If he tells her that you are jealous then it suggests he is looking for attention from her.  If he tells you to deal with it, then it suggests that he likes it.  If says you are being irrational then he isn't much of a boyfriend as he is ignoring your feelings on the matter.

Lets be honest ex girlfriends can be real cows regardless of your boyfriends best intentions and the fact that he hasn't already picked up on your feelings may mean he just likes the attention but you need to talk to him. I wouldn't talk to her directly unless you are really good friends with her as otherwise she will just think you are being territorial and make a snide remark to your boyfriend about it.

trust is a tricky beast, and the ex is pushing that button albeit probably not intentionally. thats a tough one, jessica. try to step back and put it in those terms? if you over-react, your trust issue wound (which has not yet healed) will kill the relationship.

there is a fine line between a healthy normal jealousy and an over-the-top jealousy. it can be hard to see with that humongous red "I HAVE TRUST ISSUES" button attached to your forehead.

talk to your bf. tell him whats what. you will know if hes worth fighting for if he does what he can to not hurt you. be realistic though. dont have crazy expectations. he is a human male.

i married the man who got me past my trust issues from previous abusive relationships. we have since divorced but i am so grateful that he walked in my life and lifted me up and healed me. i still love him deeply for that.

so yeah, ive been there. good luck girl.

Original Post by itsxjessicaa:

mmkay. first of all, i feel like i sound like an idiot in this. i know its gotten out of hand, i just don't know how to fix it.

my boyfriend's ex from a few years ago started to become really good friends with him again,right around the time we started dating. she liked him too, and he chose me, so she disappeared for a while. but now she's back,and is completely all over him. at least from my point of view. she does these full body hugs, they last longer than i'd like, and shes flirty. it annoys the crapppp out of me b/c i know he cared about her a lottt as a friend, and when she disappeared to "get over him" he missed her a LOT. i've never really been the jealous type until my last ex who completely ruined my ability to trust guys. i'm working on it,but i need help. i don't want to freak out every time my boyfriend talks to this girl. and i want to be able to trust him alone with her. i honestly don't believe he'd ever cheat on me, but her being touchy makes me uncomfortable. we've had issues before with his girl friends respecting me and the fact that i'm his gf. and i feel like its his responsibility to stop this girl from being touchy, but he's scared to lose her as a friend. and he honestly doesn't seem to see it as the huge deal i'm making it out to be. he says it's just a hug and they hadn't seen each other in a long time. which is perfectly reasonable. but it drives me CRAZY. i feel like the monster jealous girlfriend who freaks out over everything. because i kind of am right now, although it is just one girl who freaks me out.

so. any advice on how to fix the girl being all over him / me being jealous issue?

It's not just this one girl.  It's this girl this time...You have issues.  Explain those issues the best you can to him and ask if there is ways to resolve them together. IE; if your getting twitchy perhaps you could have a code word, or a signal, or a touch of some sort to let him know your beginning to feel uncomfortable.   And then after he knows perhaps he could put his arm around your waist, hold your hand, something to assauge your feelings of angst. 

The latter is a two-fer... one your feeling better by his touch. And two, its a clear signal to anyone else that he is with you and your feelings matter.

Original Post by lisajb74:

If he tells her that you are jealous then it suggests he is looking for attention from her.  If he tells you to deal with it, then it suggests that he likes it.  If says you are being irrational then he isn't much of a boyfriend as he is ignoring your feelings on the matter.

So basically, unless he does exactly what you want all the time he is a bad boyfriend?

Dump his ass... it's completely disrespectful to you. I wouldn't do that to my girlfriend. I would respect her enough to put her feelings over my ex's.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Original Post by lisajb74:

If he tells her that you are jealous then it suggests he is looking for attention from her.  If he tells you to deal with it, then it suggests that he likes it.  If says you are being irrational then he isn't much of a boyfriend as he is ignoring your feelings on the matter.

So basically, unless he does exactly what you want all the time he is a bad boyfriend?

 Of course this makes him a bad boyfriend. I hate a man that doesn't obey. grrrhhh. j/k 

I think lisajb74 makes a good point.  I wouldn't say that he isn't much of a boyfriend though.  I've been on both ends of this situation with my boyfriend.  We had to grow a lot. 

You can tell him how you feel about the situation, but he won't truly understand how you feel unless he experience those same feelings (not saying go out and do the same to him). 

How long have you been with this guy ? ?  ?

 Forget trust...you haven't gained all of his respect.  When you get that, your trust for him will come a lot easier. For the time being, pretend to trust him.  You don't want to be a nag.  As your relationship grow stronger,  his respect for you should increase.  If this is a guy that you think is worth the trouble, then you may need to tame him in the most tactful unnoticeable way possible.  itsxjessicaa had a good idea about the code word and hugging, but be careful not to come off as being too controlling.  To keep from driving yourself bonkers right now,  just overcome those feelings of jealousy.  You got work to do.  Gain yourself some confidence and be the best YOU that you can be.  Hopefully before its over, you'll feel better and he'll feel like the friendship b/tw you and him is greater than any other friendship.  Don't smother him ***in my head ....don't leave that hoochie alone w/ your man....***.  Give him your all when you are around him.  Then make him miss you.  It's funny how men give you more attention when you don't pay him any mind.  I use that to my advantage (without straying too far.)  Good luck! sorry so long, but this is really cutting it short.

Well see, she wants to talk to me. So i can't decide if i should or not cuz she could either be nice, or make it sooo much worse if she's mean. I definitely wouldn't say anything to her about it,because i wouldn't want to start a fight with her,since she's his friend. But if she says something, i'm not exactly sure how i'll end up responding to it haha.

I've talked about how i feel with him, and he doesn't really seem to understand. He's just telling me to let it go. That that's what he would do,because he cares so much about me. I mean,we've talked about this a LOT so i could see how it'd get tiring. Maybe i do just need to let it go.

I'm trying to be careful about overreacting,but its really hard to see the line of where that is right now. He's getting frustrated because i keep talking about it. Its been over a week since this crap happened. Which would probably go under nagging? Which one of you told me NOT to do hah. But I'm not sure if it's okay to be upset when she does these full body hugs every time she sees him or not? I mean, hugs are fine. Its just those particular ones. Cuz she did it in front of me. Sling her arms over his neck, and push her boobs into him. Like wtf. I feel like she's doing that justt to piss me off. Except he doesn't see that. They hadn't seen each other in a year,so i guess its understandable. And to be fair, i gave my guy friend a huge hug when he got back from the army.

I am trying to let it go, gain confidence, quit being jealous, and trust him more all at the same time. We've been together a year. So he's important to me, and we don't want to end a year relationship over something stupid like a hoochie ex

I'd say talk to the boyfriend about it. Let him know it bothers you and then he can take it from there. If he does something about it - then you can see that he truly cares about your feelings over hers (which he should because YOURE the gilfriend!).

You should listen to your instincts. The truth is there are a lot of low down females out there who don't respect relationships. She has not earned your trust, and why should she? You don't owe her anything. I would never personlly give it easily to a bf's ex. And a boyfriend is really someone u are testing out as a potential mate. Not ur husband, so he does not deserve that same level of trust and respect as your husband will. He is earning it. Or should be. And vice versa. But you should never treat your SO like you don't trust them. At least give them a chance to screw up. Lol.

I'm not a cynical or negative person, but I like to trust with caution. (The person I marry will get 100% of it, current has about 90%) If you do nothing wrong, I don't worry. But if I see red flags, I love myself enough to step back and pay attention. This has saved me from falling for guys who would have been bad news. I am grateful for every red flag I have payed attention to.

Don't be hard on yourself for how you feel, becuase chances are, you are just picking up on a not so good vibe from her. Ignoring it is not always the best route. Sometimes you do have to cut ties, and he may need to do that at some point. I do not entertain exes becuase I am serious about my bf. They do not need a co-starring role in my life. I learned from those guys what I don't want in a man and do my best not to use it against the current man in my life. But, if a fishy situation arises, you better believe, I am not turning a blind eye.

And I am not jealous either. I believe I am a good catch. Every man who has screwed up still wants back in. But I know when to let go of the wrong thing. Don't want to be preoccupied with it, and miss the right thing.

Original Post by madamq:

Take her aside and say "look, he is your friend and he will be there for you.  But he is my BF now and you need to back off"

 

This.

Original Post by workingtobethin:

I would not advise taking her aside and saying anything to her because then she might get worse as she knows it bugs you!!! 

She ain't the only one who can get worse...

yeah its a tough one. been there with my current husband. yeah i may have talked to him too much about it, but eventually he became sensitive to how i was feeling. even if i didn't have a need to feel jealous, he understood (especially this chick). she pops in & out of our lives but i've learned to just deal with it as he knows & respects why i felt certain things. i'm not extremely jealous, i mean i'm around loads of girls he's snogged before but they know how to act.

what bugs me though is that he seems to just brush it off. he knows you have trust issues, especially from your ex. i know you should get over it, but its a process getting over it. maybe this will help, who knows.

Did no one else check this girl's profile and see she's in high school? I mean.. this sounds like a typical h.s. relationship to me. 

Original Post by alibsam:

Did no one else check this girl's profile and see she's in high school? I mean.. this sounds like a typical h.s. relationship to me. 

 High school?  scratch everything I said before.....this does sound typical.

wow stereotyping much? thats pretty disrespectful imo.

being in high school doesnt override truth and understanding. i think her issue is universally ageless. my daughter was like 17 going on 45 in high school. :)