my boyfriend needs more friends!

i am a pretty social person with lots of friends and i really like hanging out with my girlfriends from time to time.  my boyfriend is less social and has fewer friends- partly bc he prefers it that way and partly because we just moved to a new city and he hasnt had that many opportunites to meet new friends.  so it poses a dilemma for me when i want to spend time with my ladies and he is home alone. i would feel better if he had more buddies- but i dont want to tell him that bc it could obviously hurt his feelings! a part of me also feels worried as to why we are so different socially.  we have a great relationship and this seems to be teh only "off balance" thing between the two of us.  do you think that this is a strange issue to have?

 

what should i do? thoughts?

thanks!

I don't think it's a strange issue, but it is an unfortunate one.

I've been married to my husband for nearly 14 years and we're the same way- I've very social and like to do things with just girl friends, but he doesn't have any friends that he would choose to hang around with.

It makes for some hurt feelings (on his part) because he feels that I'd rather be with friends than with him, even though I only get together with a girl friend maybe twice a year.

I wish he had a few good friends so that it would be more balanced but it is what it is. Sorry, no advice from me but just wanted to let you know you're no alone!

*considers* I was in a situation like what your husband is in. I'd move to DC from my home city of Buffalo and didn't really know anyone. My now-wife knew people, but I didn't. I'd made friends online and I was cool with that and with generally being less social than she. When I came home from work, more often than not, I'd be quite OK poking around at a video game or hanging out online.

And it drove my wife crazy because she was SURE that that wasn't "Good Enough." That if SHE needed a certain amount of real life contact that I did too.

In the end... she didn't change me. I made a few friends now and I have a couple of communities, including the one I've made through this site which she doesn't participate in. But... I'm just as not quite happy to go home and piddle around online or in game. That hasn't changed.

When I read your post, I hear you saying that you aren't REALLY accepting him as he is. You see his life as flawed. It's not like yours and you'd 'feel better' if it were more like yours. If that's the case.. that's just very unfortunate.

If the case is that he can't make friends.. well, that's still his issue.

In my experience, a good relationship.. isn't DOING everything together. It's having "You" Time, "Me" Time and "Us" Time. Don't try to tell him how to live "Me" Time. He can figure that out on his own. Honestly, he has to. Whether it's because he can't make friends or he just hasn't had the right break yet... you can't FORCE friends upon him. He has to make and KEEP them on his own.

That's my thoughts, as I read your post.

I have a lot of friends I got out with to dinner/lunch and movies and hubby goes and rides his motorcyle w/friends and plays golf on Sundays with people he knows. Sometimes I like to have time home alone and read when he's gone and he'll watch a golf game or football with our sons.  Have to have outside interests.

My son lives to games online and my daughter in law goes and does stuff with her friends.

Both my son's (adults) go out on Sat. night to their friends house to play games and their other halves go vist their friends. 

What does he want to do?

I have to agree with hk. You say he prefers it this way , but that you would feel better if he had more buddies. Why? Why can't he spend his "me" time how he likes? Are you worried that he will resent your time away with your friends? Is there any evidence of that happening at all? If not, I wouldn't sweat it. DIfferences are sometimes just as important in a relationship as similarities.

Some people are just home bodies....I call myself one lots of times. Occassionaly, I'll get together with a girlfriend or my sister once in a while, but everyone is usually so busy or doing their own thing. I'm just unemployed and bored now so I try to make a lunch date more frequently than I used to.

Maybe that's just how he is too. If he has a desire to make more friends, he'll tell you or he'll do it on his own.

 

If your boyfriend has any hobbies, investigate local clubs pertaining to them.  There are many public clubs in most towns: poker club, chess club, sports, etc.  If you can find something you think he'll like, encourage him to go.

As someone who has actually been in your boyfriend's situation, I can tell you that you cannot forceably become friends with anyone, it just has to be right.

I third what HK said.

Had and have the same situation.  Missus thinks that I don't have enough friends even though I head off once a week.  Drives her crazy.

Two words:  Control freak. :D

Leave the poor guy alone, if he's happy doin' what he's doin'.

Well, if you ever have a fight, you at least have some ammo againt him: At least I have friends, Loser!

I am a home body myself and would much rather spend time alone relaxing.  I would say I probably don't have any "friends" have co workers but really don't like socializing or going out and quite frankly like it when hubby works nights or weekends and leaves me home alone so I can do what I want without feeling guilty - its my time to catch up on "chick flicks" and stuff.

I rarely leave the house from Friday afternoon til monday morning when I go to work. 

If he doesn't want you to go out with your friends maybe he is insecure in your relationship.  Maybe he thinks your going to cheat on him or looking for something better.  Maybe he wants to spend more time with you alone and wants you to want to spend more time with him. 

My husband of 25 years has tons of friends always did me I'm a one friend at a time person and he's my current one friend and has been for 25 years now!

Original Post by fortius:

Well, if you ever have a fight, you at least have some ammo againt him: At least I have friends, Loser!

 Have to say that this did make me snicker. :D

I agree with HK as well.

Fortius! LOL 

well- its not that my bf doesnt want me to go out w/ my friends- he encourages- and he'll even tag along sometimes.  i know its not really as big of a problem as im making it out to be.  im just not used to being with someone like that. i guess there are more people out there like him than i realized

Yep. As long as he's cool with you going out and doesn't give you a guilt trip and you are happy together then there's nothing to worry about!  Now, if he was resentful and jealous that you went out, accusing you of doing things you shouldn't, etc.. then you would have a problem!

How did he make friends where you lived before? I mean it's unfortunate for him, but I'm not really sure what you can do about it, I mean it's not like you can pick out friendships for a grown man. (For that matter, it seldom works when parents try to pick out friendships for their children either.)

My husband and i have been together for 16 years (married for 14).  I like to go out and he likes to stay home.  I used to worry about his lack of friends, but discovered he is very choosy when it comes to people.  When we entertain he is a gracious host and enjoys our friends.  He occasionaly goes out with people form work and that works for him.

If he doesn't seem upset about your social schedule and doesn't feel the need to "rein" you in leave well enough alone and enjoy.

 

his best friends are his high school friends (from like 10 years ago!)  and since then he has been pretty content having them as his closest friends and never felt the need to make new close friends.  he is pretty social at work but doesnt really make the effort to take those friendships outside the workplace.  now that most of his high school friends have moved away, he rarely makes plans to go out with new people.  (he and his high school friends still talk alot via phone/email/facebook but dont see eachother much)

Some people (like me) prefer alone time to being social.  If he doesn't say or indicate it's a problem, don't assume it is. 

you guys don't have to be exactly alike; things don't have to "balance." maybe your outgoing personality is all he needs to feel socially connected. it's not your place to help him make friends. if he wants friends, he'll get 'em. this is NOT a problem.

Apparently, the way men make friends and women make friends is a bit different (presuming in this context that friends means "someone you know that you don't plan on having sex with", cuz that's a whole 'nother psychology...) Damned if I can find the original study that discussed this, when I do I'll link it in. It jives with the way I've personally seen things go, as well.

Women tend to bond over discussions, shared emotions and the like. Book clubs and special interest groups and other such gatherings are fertile ground for that sort of thing. Friendships are built around socialization.

Men tend to bond over shared tasks and experiences. Co-workers, sports teammates and so on tend to be where guys get their oldest and deepest friendships. Freindships are built around problem solving, physical exertion or competition.

If your guy isn't exposed to a lot of situations where he has to depend on other guys to perform a task as part of a team, chances are he's not going to feel overly attached to them. He'll probably have a cadre of aquaintances, but no real friends.

Of course, your milage may vary... there's certainly men who work a room and come out with three new buddies and there's women who can form a pack by dominating the soccer field. If your guy is more social-interactive and less physical-interactive, could be simple as him not knowing anyone he finds interesting enough to hang around with.

hatamoto makes a good point - as long as were not talking "friends with benefits" relationships. (isn't that what they call it?)

I also agree with her on the women tend to befriend people with like interests at the emotional level ( just look at the ratio of men to women on this site) and men will usually bond with men who like to "pal around with".  Sure men will do "male bonding" but its not as easy IMHO for them.