Boyfriend vent. Any advice?

Ok my problem is my boyfriend. I absolutely love him, he is wonderful to me and treats me fantastically. We've been together for almost two years now (we're both almost 18) and he just got a great job that enables him to take me out to dinner all the time. I've adjusted to the dinners because he also always lets me pick the restauraunt (I always pick Japanese...4 pieces sashimi, half a cup of brown rice, and a miso soup - YUM) and he always wants to take me out to ice cream, which I usually like because I LOVE ice cream. But I'm really trying to crack down.

Today I decided to talk to him about it. We were laying around and he was talking about where we should go out for desert tonight (I'm eating dinner at home and he really wants to take me out). He had a bunch of lovely suggestions, this little ice cream parlor that serves ice cream on belgian waffles, a cute little creperie where we could get a banana or blueberry crepe. I said to him, "Babe you know it's really nice but do you think we could not go out for desert tonight? I'm really trying to eat healthy". He looked at me and said the most perfect thing. He said, "I think you have a beautiful body, you are a beautiful girl and you have a really attractive shape both to me and other people, I understand that you don't like the way your tummy looks, and even though I think it's beautiful and I don't care either way whether it stays or goes, I understand. Instead tonight we'll go out for water ice"

Grrr, he's being so nice, but I don't WANT to go out for water ice. I want to not be forced to eat desert on a day I don't want it. Just because it has less calories doesn't make them any less empty. Actually, a crepe with blueberries and ice cream is PROBABLY more nutritious! I worked really hard all day, I ate a healthy nutritious lunch, a piece of fruit, and I have planned out a healthy nutritious dinner. I will come in at exactly 1150 calories which will allot me enough for a peach for desert. THAT is what I want. Then I was leaving and on my way out he nearly shoved a cupcake down my throat! I don't know what else I can say to him! He seems to get it but he won't make any changes.

Paul wants desert, so we MUST go get desert, even if it messes up my whole day! He even said he doesn't think it's fair how I work out so much and I don't seem to see results. THIS is why, because a calorie is NOT a calorie and if I am filling up on belgian waffles or crepes with butter and sugar and ice cream, I will not lose the fat I need! I am not overweight, I need to tone, and I can't if I keep being forced to eat like this!

Your the one thats not getting it.  He just wanted to spend time with you.  Going for desert is what he is use to.  He likes buying you things.  He likes feeling like he is taking care of you.   He offered to just go out for a glass of water.  He doesn't know any other way to compromise.   Your the one that will have to find the compromise.  Do you have a city park?  Does it have a duck pond or a walking track?   If it does, then suggest instead the two of you go for a nice romantic walk together.   Give him options of ways he can spend time with you, fullfill his need to take care of you and not have to stay home. 

And give the boy some credit.  Even at 4 foot 11  105 lbs is tiny.   I don't know how big he is, but you get much smaller and hes going to start worrying about the possiblyt of breaking you.  Im not as short as you but Im short.  Im 5 foot 4 on a good day.  When my back is giving me fits I can lose two inches in height.  My husband is 6 foot 1 and outweighs me by a 110 lbs.  I couldn't go on a diet until he did because he already freaks out that hes going to hurt me.

Men don't find the way on their own sweetheart.  It sounds to me like you don't know what you want.   If life is out there to teach you anything its to teach you flexability.  You know you love the deserts.  You know hes going to want to take you and you know that its healthy for you.  So instead of complaining about how big a jerk he is because he doesn't get it, adjust your eating habits so that you can  have both your diet and your desert.  You both will be happier. 

He is doing the best he knows how.  As someone who met her husband at 16 and has been married to him now for 17 years let me tell you, the first thing you have to learn is how to be flexable and the second thing, is that men have to be shown what it is you want.  If you send them mixed signals or don't know what you want yourself, then they will push for you to do what they want in an attempt to get you to find what you want and stick to it.

AS to toning up and not losing weight.  Quit worrying about how much you weight then and worry about the workout.   you don't have a weight problem anymore.   You have a toning problem.  Go for walks, do 5 minutes of bicicle crunches everyday but don't blame your boyfriend for wanting to do what he does best, what makes him feel good about himself.  He simply wants to spend time with you and take care of you.  At least he isn't trying to force feed you Chocolate Balverian Cream Cake.

 

 

word!  Give him alternatives.  Me and my man like to go out a lot.  We walk to the restaurants and like to lift weights together.  If we go to the gym 3 times a week we get to walk to Sonic and get lunch on Sundays.  Thats our deal and its working pretty well.  He wants to spend time with you...its up to you to take the reigns and say that the time you spend together will be healthy active time.  Most men I have dated don't take hints and don't necessarily take direct conversation.  Sometimes you have to physically show them or draw a damn picture.  A good man will take it and run with it. 

Just suggest something else without bringing calories into it. It can be tiring to hear about dieting/calories over and over, so he might just be burned out and trying to get you to obsess less.

Also, even if he can afford it, going out to eat every single day can be kind of extravagant. You guys could put away a couple dollars a day and put it toward a soft serve maker--then you could make low-cal natural frozen yogurt together and turn it into more of an interactive event than, "Let's go buy stuff together."

Do stuff together, just don't base it around food. I feel exactly the same way as you--my guy and I used to eat out together ALL the time, and it drove me insane. Recently we started going on picnics together or cooking together--it's made it more of an activity than just sitting down and ordering.

I agree with what everyone else said. You just need to give him some alternatives and help him understand that the changes you're trying to make with your own body is something you want to do to feel better and be healthier and if he loves you, he's going to want to be apart of that process.

How about suggesting that you go somewhere you can get something that isn't too terrible for you? My boyfriend and I are both trying to lose some weight, and we treat ourselves to frozen yogurt at Golden Spoon every now and then. All of their frozen yogurt choices are fat free and a mini cup (3.5 oz.) is only 68 calories (small cup is 136 cals) I get rainbow sprinkles as a topping, which adds a few calories and sugar, but not anything too horrible. Plus, it's super yummy! :)

I sympathize with your frustration.  It can be very hard to pacify others and still eat the things you want.  Be thankful you're not married yet.  My husband eats around 3000 calories/day and most are junk.  He'd take a double-chocolate muffin over a peach any day. (granted, he doesn't like peaches, but you get my point.)  Me, on the other hand, I eat half as much as he does, I prefer fruit to baked goods, and I find it very challenging to make food he's willing to eat, but that is healthy enough to make me happy. 

Finding the balance between pleasing your fellow and pleasing you is necessary but only you can find a balance you will be happy with.  If he's like most guys, the others are right and he'll be happy just being with you.  I think they're right to suggest alternatives.  Keep in mind that men don't always hear what we mean when we say something (largely because we don't always say what we really mean).  I expect when you said you wanted to skip dessert because you felt it was unhealthy, his first thought was to suggest healthier options, because he knows, deep down, you really do want dessert.  Men are "Mr. Fix-it".  He heard you declaring a problem with dessert and is offering a solution to the problem you've stated, as he heard it.  He's trying to be supportive, and you need to learn how to support him in that, or he'll stop.

I often hear that men are like children.  I'll grant that mine and many others I know are, so if yours is, may I suggest some advice someone once gave me for children?  Basically, their advice was to divert the child's attention away from what you don't want it on, to what you do want it on.  So, when your fella says "let's go out for dessert" instead of saying "that's unhealthy" try saying "I'm not in the mood for dessert tonight.  Let's go for a walk/watch a movie/_(insert your preference here)_ instead."  Offer him a choice you're willing to do.  It's helpful.  Most men are willing to do whatever you want, if you'll only tell them what that is.  That goes for many facets of the relationship, too, not just dining.

Now, I realize this might be sacrilege here, I doubt a few extra calories, once in a while will hurt.  Learn to give a little - and give-in a little.   You say you like ice cream and you're concerned about getting good quality calories, you might try a fruit smoothie place and choose an item that's marked as "all fruit."  If they offer vitamin or mineral additives, you can even kick it up and make it work that much harder for you.  If he wants dessert and you don't, you might say you'd love to go with him, but don't want to get anything.  Or, if he really wants to treat you, maybe on your anniversary, or another special occasion, let him, but offer to share something.  Most really good desserts are too rich for my blood, so I split them with my husband.  Even in our somewhat older relationship it's still romantic.  A secondary benefit is that it will be less noticeable if you eat only a few bites.  Chew slowly and savor every delicious mouthful.

Also, tone is all about muscle building, so if you haven't already, do research on the kind of nutrition you need to build muscle.  I know protein is touted as highly necessary, but I'd be quite surprised if carbs and fat aren't needed.  After all, don't you need fat to make cell walls? I could be wrong, but that rings right.  Good quality fat, too.  Margarine walls are weak.  Don't watch the scale.  Tuck it away in a cabinet or closet.  At this point, the scale will only disappoint, anger, and frustrate you further.  Remember that muscle weighs more than fat, too, so as you strength-train, be prepared for the idea that you will weigh more - not less.  Do look into the idea of a trainer, at least part-time.  You can tell them "I want to change this" and they'll tell you what exercises to do to accomplish that task.

Oh, and IMO, the only one forcing you to eat dessert is you, unless, of course, he's tying you to the chair, spooning a chocolate sundae into your mouth, and holding it closed until you swallow.  You always have a choice - learn to see it.

Thanks for the advice guys. I do appreciate my boyfriend, he's really great :) I like the idea of suggesting alternatives. Or I'm even going to try and combine them. For example, tonight when he picks me up (which might even happen before I'm typing this) I'm going to agree to a children's sized frozen yogurt and we can eat it while we take a walk on the beach. We'll hopefully walk for about an hour, I'll burn about the same amount of calories that I had to eat it. No harm done :)

The idea of cooking together appeals to me a lot, but we never seem to find an empty stove :-P

I try and suggest other alternatives but unfortunately (and fortunately) he has a ridiculous teenager metabolism where he eats lots of junk, doesn't excersize, and not only maintains a healthy weight, but actually has a six pack and back and shoulder muscles. I don't understand it! I'm so jealous!

I like the idea of finding more events that aren't centered around food, I just want to be with him and I want to do stuff besides lay around and watch movies, but we can never think of anything to do besides going out to eat! I'll try and suggest more things to do that involve walks or just not eating :) Thanks for your advice/understanding!

my fiance likes to eat out a lot and has a super sweet tooth.
i guess being a "clean" eater with a sensitive stomach makes it easy for me to say no.

typically i will just have a plain salad when we eat out, or he will get a take away and bring it home, where i will make my own dinner but we can still eat together.

if he want to go out for an icecream, i'll go with him to spend the time chatting with him and sip on a water or share a couple bites of his.

i think sharing a treat is a great idea.  saves him money, saves you calories and you both still get to spend the time together.

My fiance is like your boyfriend: he eats literally 3 times as much as me (I know this because if I cook for myself it serves 4, but if he comes over it all gets eaten), and weighs less than me. Granted, he's Asian and has tiny bones, but still. Unlike your boyfriend, he DOESN'T think my tummy is beautiful. Ok, not his words, but he loved it when it was flatter, and he doesn't touch it anymore. Plus he got all excited when I announced I was going on a diet. I know he loves me anyway, and I know he still finds me attractive (he does, after all, want to marry me), but it still hurts. He gives me these totally mixed signals, one day wanting to take me out for dessert, the next day looking concerned when I go for seconds of something healthy. I WISH he'd think like your boyfriend.

Eventually I sat him down and explained that I also wanted a flat tummy, but it's just not my body shape. I'm curvy, and I LIKE being curvy. I'm only allowed to lose 2.5 more kg's without being classed as underweight. I will always be bigger than his mother (who has never weighed 50kg!), and that's got to be ok. I explained that although I know he's trying to support me, women's feelings around food and their bodies just are contradictory. The best is not to say anything at all about what we eat, and I'll try to do the same. I want to be healthy and happy and not obsessed with food or appearance, and I want him to want that too.

I think he was a little surprised that I was feeling that way at all, but I had to get it out there. I think I'm learning to accept my body shape. I'm still trying to get more muscle tone, but only in order to be healthy. And you know what? It felt good not to even try to hide the tummy. After that vent, I've been wearing it with pride.

my boyfriend tends to like eating out as well, and he doesn't really understand why I prefer not too because he doesn't think i need to lose weight  (and he better not hah), but my suggestion is for dessert offer to share something maybe? This is what i usually do.

I know you said its hard for the two of you to get a stove to use together but if you buy the ingredients ahead of time and then wait for the perfect time lol, you can get the oven before anyone else does! I have this problem a lot in my house, my family is Italian which means they love to not only eat but LOVE to cook too. So you could have everything in the house and ready for when you get your chance then call your boyfriend and tell him to come over and you could make a healthy low cal dessert together. I think you would really like that and since he likes to take care of you he would be helping you and you could explain that is taking care of you.

I agree with making deals like agana said. My boyfriend is coming in in about 2 weeks. We've already decided since we won't get to be together for our birthdays this year if we go walking every night after I am done with work, on Saturday we can have our "unbirthdays". This is going to include cake, pizza, nachos and he wants an ice cream cake lol. Can you tell we have both been on diets?! I've already decided I'm not going to feel bad about it either because its the only time we will get to spend together this year.

Original Post by lafoutloud01:

I try and suggest other alternatives but unfortunately (and fortunately) he has a ridiculous teenager metabolism where he eats lots of junk, doesn't excersize, and not only maintains a healthy weight, but actually has a six pack and back and shoulder muscles. I don't understand it! I'm so jealous!

 Oh that will change.  Believe me,  he will get to tired to do anything but work eventually.   Work and worry takes a lot out of a man.  Then one day he will want that 6 pack back and you will be grumbling again, cause your trying to lose the baby weight and all he did was cut out sodas and candy bars and has dropped 10 lbs in 3 weeks but you no your eating next to nothing and still haven't lost 3 lbs. 

Its the way of the world sweets. Men are just going to be more fit than we are no matter what we do.  Lucky for us most guys like girls who are soft in all the right places.  

You're close to him, Correct?  Just honestly say that he can have "desert" and that you don't want it, Dont be embarassed.

I mean I have a "Boyfriend" of....4 years and He ALWAYS eats and always offers me fattening things But I just tell him the truth : "Nah, I dont want any, It's not healthy", and He just laughs and says Im such an obsessed Idiot....And gets it himself and then we just hang out.  Im truthful about everything to him....  I dont know when Im showing exactly how I feel to him, It feels a lot more carefree and fun,  But then again maybe it's because ive known him WAY too long.

HAHA!  About the muscular teenage subject.  My "boyfriend"  (I just hate saying Boyfriend) Hes 19 almost and He's always been skinny and eats like a pig, and I always tell him that too, what I think without embarassment for example:

"Youre SO annoying why are you so skinny and muscular while eating 8900 calories a day while I eat a grape and have a large mishelin stomache"

He answers  In hebrew, Sounds different (Nolt as offending as this will) : "   איזה שכלWhat an Idiot mind you have and then claims that he isnt thin"

Slang word in Hebrew language just so you won't think that we're barbaric with our l.anguage HA.

HA what an Idiot mind he has.

My advice would be to dump him because he sounds too controlling. But then I'm quite jaded about men and relationships. 

He can't force you to eat the dessert.  If he drags you off to whatever place, don't order anything.  He might order something for himself.  He might even order something for you.  Just sit there and watch him eat whatever it is.  Hopefully, this will embarrass him enough to listen to you.

If that's too extreme, at the ice cream place you could ask for just the fresh fruit toppings without the ice cream. 

I'd suggest finding stuff to do together that isn't food related: take a class, go to a show, etc. He can pamper you without feeding you.

Well...MY husband asked me to pick up chocolate and some snacks for him tonight when i went shopping, AFTER i got back from weight watchers and found i had lost absolutely bugger all this week. I resisted the urge to splurge and only bought myself prunes for breakfast. But still....*sigh*

I'm reading something different here.  His words and his actions don't match.  Shoving a cupcake down your throat is NOT being supportive.  It's being manipulative.  He's not respecting what you're telling him.

Actions speak louder than words.

I go through the saaaaaame thing with both my boyfriend and my mom. So I have a big problem with pigging out on junk when they're with me.

I am very slowly learning to just say no. If he want's to go out, I tell him he can go out, but that I'll be ordering salad. He usually hates to pay $5 or more for what he calls crunchy water, so he opts for staying home and cooking what I can eat.

Also, very slowly, I am learning to tell them, go ahead and eat that whole tub of ice cream, I'll have some water and some fruit when I get home.

It all comes down to willpower... Something I'm working very hard to achieve.

Besides, if you don't feel like doing something, you don't have to do it. If you don't want to go out that night, he needs to respect your wishes. You just have to be clear about what you want.

I agree with some of the previous posters about how he just wants to take care of you.

My bf was like this when we first met, and to be fair he still is... I keep telling him if he's going to buy me something, make sure I need it, and not just want it.

Another thing I tell him, is that if he doesn't stop buying stuff, he won't have enough money to provide us with a place of our own when I finish uni. He also wants to get married and that gets pointed out to him too. This kind of helps him realise what's important in life.

As for dessert, you could always make your own to take round, or even suggest having him for dessert instead