LOCKED TOPIC

Boyfriends, what do they really think?

My boyfriend was always telling me he liked me how I was, and assured me he wouldn't want me any other way. I reflected on his former girls and realized they were all slim and fit women, and taller than me. This made me feel like I was actually not what he wanted, being 5'1 and 132 lbs. Now I have taken weight loss so seriously because I just want to be perfect in his eyes, though he always says I am, I can tell he doesn't truly think that... I mean, thats men right? They can't be honest in fear you will get angry, then they run off with someone more attractive or slim, etc, and leave you in the dust.

I tell him about my weight loss and he is saying "if you want it, go for it" "if it means that much to you, do it" saying I'm only doing it for myself.

Well I also tell him that I'm dizzy, my stomach is in knots, I'm always tired and hungry, but he then says "If that's what you need to do to be what you want, do it" Which hurts slightly, perhaps I am being naive, but can't he tell I'm wearing my body down to the brink of passing out just for him? It seems he really has always wanted me to be slim, now I am 116lbs, but I won't rest easily until I am atleast 10 lbs lighter.

I eat 650 Calories a day, and go running, etc... Shouldn't a boyfriend see this as a sign, see my frailness and not encourage me to go further? I want to be perfect, so his eyes never lose sight of me and he never wanders. But I can tell I haven't yet reached his perfection. I know he loves me a lot, but I wish he could see I am doing this all for him.

It's a bit aggravating, and strange, that he is rooting me on. Am I being wrong here, and judging him improperly?

You are doing this to yourself.  And what you are doing is incredibly unhealthy and, quite frankly, stupid.  Don't pass the blame on someone else.  This is all on your shoulders kiddo.  Not his.

Eating 650 calories, starving, and complaining about it isn't going to make you feel better about yourself.  Being 106 lbs isn't going to make your boyfriend stick with you.  Being healthy, strong, confident, and intelligent will.

Work on those.

Sounds like he thinks you are doing this for you, not him.  Guys are often oblivious (possibly because they aren't mind readers).

I dunno, it kind of sounds like you are trying to bait him to intervene.  Problem is, you've already convinced him that this is something that you really want.  Sounds like he is being supportive.  Of course, he shouldn't be supporting this behavior -- you really, really, really need to eat more -- but it sounds like he is just encouraging it because you've made it clear that you want him to.

Eat more.

He's a guy. He told you that he is attracted to you the way you are, so he thinks that you believed him. He thinks that you're doing this for yourself, so he's trying to support you in your efforts.

It's up to you to stand up for your own health, not for him to tell you what to do. Starving yourself as a way of getting his attention can only backfire because:

1. The more miserable you are because you're hungry, the less fun you'll be to hang out with.

2. If you want people to respect you, you have to respect yourself and believe that they can like you for more than just your body.

3. If you keep expecting him to read your mind and he fails (surprise, surprise), you'll start to resent him for not understanding you and he'll start to resent you because he won't understand why you're upset with him.

The best relationships are formed when both partners are strong and independent people who are able to communicate with one another. If you're insecure about your relationship with him, please stop punishing yourself and have an honest talk with him about why you feel this way and how you can work together to help you feel better. Just the process of opening yourself up and asking for his help with this could help you to build a much stronger foundation.

I read this and thought how selfish!

All i read is that it's all his fault you are blaming him for your weight, how you eat, how you feel blah blah.

I think you need to step up and take responsibility for your own actions and feelings and stop blaming others. 

He started dating you before you lost weight which means he wasn't bothered about it, the ex girlfriends you speak of are no longer in his life you are which means he couldn't have been that stoked by them.

If you are trying to get him to dump you then you are going the right way about it and it will be nothing to do with your weight.

None of this is his fault, and if you keep going the way you are you are going to end up in hospital.

Well I suppose you all are actually very right, and yes, I am being selfish and naive about this-which was what I was curious and I'm glad you gave honest answers.

I did a calorie counter and it said if I wanted to lose as much weight as I plan I would eat 650 calories a day for the next couple of months and that would do the trick. Perhaps I am being a bit too aggressive...

Me and Him have had some really rough spots and currently I live in Finland and he lives in California, I am going to be seeing him again for the first time in about 4 months in roughly 6 weeks, and really want to look the best I can for him, I'm truly not trying to be selfish, only make him happy. Though it seems I am not doing that properly. I want to be a girlfriend he is proud to walk arm in arm with, rather than be the girl who people are like, Man, you could do so much better...

Original Post by misuboo:

 I mean, thats men right? They can't be honest in fear you will get angry, then they run off with someone more attractive or slim, etc, and leave you

Hahaha its funny u say that cus i could bet if he would hav said the truth you would be instead complaining on how man are so superficial "-_-.

Despite that most women don't like honesty about their physical appearance, I appreciate it. If anything I take it as initiative to do something about it. Everyone is a tad bit superficial, and there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is in good shape and well taken care of physically. Whether they be male, or female.

Original Post by misuboo:

Despite that most women don't like honesty about their physical appearance, I appreciate it. If anything I take it as initiative to do something about it. Everyone is a tad bit superficial, and there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is in good shape and well taken care of physically. Whether they be male, or female.

Ok u hav a point for that, but how are the guys supposed to know which girls are like you and which are not?? i mean, and its not cus im trying to be bad or anything, but most girls would get RAAGING if u do tell em the truth sometimes... but yea i think there is some fault on the guys as well as they say truth too roughly sometimes :L

Women have fragil egos and their confidence is torn between what they naturally are, and what media etc. deems beautiful or desirable. Though I suppose it goes for the relationship whether or not brutal honesty can be given, if you were dating for like a couple weeks, then saying "damn girl, you should lose some  weight!" would be a horrible idea. If you have been together for some years, then speaking the truth should be acceptable. Men's opinions can either be superficial or loving, it all depends on the relationship of course. I am in a loving relationship, but I battle my own superficial attributes and I desire to be worthy of model status, though my height won't allow it. Nonetheless, I'm aiming to be in tattoo magazines, etc, thus the need for weightloss!

Though in all truth, without my own pathetic little girl opinion, it is wrong to shoulder the guilt of my unhealthy habits onto my partner. With the help of brutal honesty from complete strangers, I can learn. Though perhaps he is honest when he says he loves me no matter my shape, or weight. I just intend to reward him for sticking by me through all my body shapes with something he can really enjoy. Is that so foolish?

Ok, everything u just said was completely right, and it would be good if all the girls thought that rationaly before reacting, but yea, as you say honesty is the best thing... also guys need to think before they are going to say something rought and think if its apropiate to say it :L

Also about the relationships, i think it wouldnt depend on how long you have been in the relaionship for; with some girls it might happen that youve been dating them for 2 weeks and you can speak about EVERYTHING with em, even about their looks or yourselves, and there are others where you could hav been dating for 2 years and you still cant tell her how bad she looks with a dress even when its the truth cus she would get realy mad or she would feel bad ;)

Well that is right as well, It all depends on the person. As does mostly everything in life, person, circumstances, etc. A rational mind is non existant, as I formerly showed my irrational mindset that I possess. Though personally, I would like to date someone who I can be fully honest with. Hiding certain truths never leads to good things.

Original Post by misuboo:

Women have fragil egos and their confidence is torn between what they naturally are, and what media etc. deems beautiful or desirable.

 

 

 I disagree completely.  WOMEN do not have frail egos.  Some people may have frail egos, but that may be because they lack confidence in themselves. 

Empower yourself Misuboo.  Realize that things you do must be done for yourself and for no one else.  You will go further in life if you choose to empower.  If you choose to have a strong personality and believe in yourself.

Side note: 650 calories is starving yourself.  You might want to consider at least 1200 and toss in some serious exercising.

You need to be happy with yourself.  Do you honestly want to be with someone who WOULD leave you at the drop of a hat because you weren't skinny enough?

Anything you do with your body you need to do for yourself, not him. 

650 calories is pretty close to oh,... HALF of what you need on a daily basis.. Your body will go into starvation or conservation mode and hang onto every calorie it gets for dear life.  Literally.  After a short period of time, your system will be compleley shot, and you won't be able to lose weight on such a low calorie count, esepcially if you're as young as you sound.

You should probably be eating more like 1800 calories, maybe less depending on your height.  WIth working out though, you should be getting more than even 1200 calories a day.

Men, unlike women, actually tend to be fairly honest when it comes to those kinds of questions, especially weight.  When I told my husband I was thinking about losing some weight, he said I didnt need to and he loved me the way I am.  I believe him, and still do, but I'm trying to lose that 10 lbs so I can wear a bikini at some point in my life.  However, he does help remind me not to forget to eat - he cares about my well-being, and would rather me be my current weight and energy than skinny and frail, if it came to that (which it won't, but you know)

no one is ever perfect - in size, wieght, height, looks, whatever.  Is he doing anything to keep YOUR love? if you have no doubts about straying yourself, why should you doubt him?  Has he been unfaithful with past girlfriends?

First of all weighing 132 and being 5'1" does not make you unattractive.  What makes you unattractive is your obsession with losing weight and your constant moaning about it.  Why not just enjoy having a bf without stressing over such stupid crap.  If you want to lose a few pounds, fine, but what's the big rush and why starve yourself?  It's pathetic really.  Enjoy your youth.  

I agree with the other posters, you're attributing these ideas to your boyfriend and they go against everything he has said.  If he dumps you it would most likely be because he can't stand your preoccupation with a few pounds, definitely not because he finds you physically repulsive.

Original Post by misuboo:

Though perhaps he is honest when he says he loves me no matter my shape, or weight. I just intend to reward him for sticking by me through all my body shapes with something he can really enjoy. Is that so foolish?

Yes. You know he likes you as you are, and even if he didn't, that wouldn't be a reason to lose weight.

He shouldn't be encouraging your starvation regime, but you still have to take responsibility for your own actions, grow up, and start taking care of yourself.

Original Post by dadivan:

Ok, everything u just said was completely right, and it would be good if all the girls thought that rationaly before reacting

Anyone eating 650 calories a day is NOT thinking rationally. And anyone who claims that 'women have fragile egos' is making a massive, and I believe unfair, generalisation. So she's not "completely right" there either...

I think I understand what you're dealing with. I'm in a long distance relationship, too.. and sometimes worry that my boyfriend will see a slimmer women and decide to be with her instead...(however these thoughts usually only come when I'm moody and PMS-y... so he probably does think he'd rather be with someone else at those times.. and I don't blame him for it.. I don't even want to be around myself then).  But I am trying to lose weight... you should get it into different priorities... do it for YOUR health, YOUR future, and lastly for him.  Cause who knows, maybe in a year, you'll find out he's a prick, or you'll find someone better and closer, or you two will break up.. if you lost all that weight only for him, what's going to make sure you keep it off once he's gone?

YOUR ISSUE IS THAT U HAVE AN EATING DISORDER

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT

ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

U NEED A THERAPIST. 750 A DAY? JEWS IN CONCENTRATION CAMPS WERE KEPT ON THAT BY THE NAZIS

PULL UR HEAD OUT OF UR U NO WAT AND SEE WHATS REALLY GOING ON HERE.

You are mistreating your body.

Please, please use the tools on this site to reassure yourself that you are not overweight and adhere to a proper caloric level for your age and height. Your boyfriend does not want you to become ill, I promise.

Ok, so I made some rationalizations there. I wish some of you would read my other posts and realize that I know I have a mindset problem, but it's not something new to me. It comes and it goes, with the weight. Eating 650 calories a day I didn't think was THAT harmful, honestly. I mean, people always tell you you MUST eat this certain amount mainly because I think they do not want to be liable if something goes wrong and you get sick, etc... I figured it was O.K. to eat 650 if I was eating everything I need daily, such as protiens, veggies, etc. Which I ensure I do, and I take a load of vitamins every day. Crash dieting is of course never that profitable, and I know this because I have been on the ups and downs whether I weighed close to what is considered overweight, literally maybe a fraction of a pound below that, or I weighed 115.

I appreciate people with feedback that contains some positivity, and though I may sound young, I'm not an idiot, so thus I do not think I should be treated as such. If you want to give me an opinion, I would more than appreciate it, but being utterly rude is completely out there and does not help out with my situation even if you think it may.

I was just wondering if other women experienced the same kind of insecurities and I was hoping to have some support etc...

So I see most women as insecure, so what, I think we all can look at the charts and data and see that's the case. Though being a strong woman is always admirable, and believe me, I do admire it!

Yes, my boyfriend has been "unfaithful" in the past, and these have all been thin and slim girls, not like me, which I am classified as short and round, or short and stubby, chunky, whichever you prefer. So I'm tired of being that short and round girl and I want to outshine everyone he has ever longed for. Say I'm naive, but thats it in all simplicity.