Should i break up with my bf

I need advice...me and my boyfriend have been together 3 1/2 yrs. The thing is he's a very outgoing person, always likes to meet new people and partying and i am not like that...i am outgoing but i am not liek him as where i always like to party. He wants to be a chef and currently he is a server with 1 shift as a bartender. I dont really like that he has this job....he stays after work to 'hang out' and drinks i guess with coworkers or whatever, and i am not comfortable with that. He already knows that but still does it and just won't tell me. I KNOW that i am not in the right to tell him what to do, it's his life and i can't make decisions for him but since i don't agree with his job and he won't change it, i don't feel happy most of the time. I've been down a lot lately because basically i know he is drinking at his job and thats not someone i want to be with. I do love him and we've had great times but i feel like in the long run we will end up disagreeing and it will cause us to separate anyways. On top of that he is going to quit this job and wants to work full time as a bartender at a bar somewhere until he goes to culinary school. I just don't know what to do anymore......

Sounds like there are some serious problems with respect to compatibility (desire for partying vs. staying home) and the future (you are not going to become more compatible anytime soon).

Basically, either you will accept his lifestyle, or he will change his lifestyle, or you will break up. (I wouldn't count on the second one.)

How can you not 'agree' with his job? Has he had this job since you met him? I find it weird that you don't 'agree' with his job when as far as I can see it's not like he's in an occupation that you could find offensive.

When i find out he stays after or drinks on the job he says sorry and all these things and then i forget about it but im tired of doing that.. im tired of being frustrated and ancy....and waiting..and barely seeing him. sometimes i hate myself for getting in this relationship cause now its so hard

Original Post by merylwhite1:

How can you not 'agree' with his job? Has he had this job since you met him? I find it weird that you don't 'agree' with his job when as far as I can see it's not like he's in an occupation that you could find offensive.

 

 

no he didnt have this when i met him..we met in high school and started dating in college...he was a total dork then which i found cute but now hes a little different. He hangs out with girls at his job..i do not like that...i found out the other day he was serving these 18 yr old girls drinks and drinking with them and then walked them to their cabs outside the job! it is offensive to me..theyre not even supposed ot be drinking

Yeah, any guy plying 18 year old girls with liquor at his place of business is a bit sketchy, all the way around, in my humble opinion.

Not to mention the fact that he's threatening to get his BAR CLOSED DOWN PERMANENTLY if the ABC ever came in and caught him.

(I'm a bartender, too. I work really hard to follow guidelines, rules, and especially LAWS as not to put my job or my employer's lively-hood in jeopardy.)

In the end it's only up to you. Relationships are ALWAYS hard, but it sounds like you're in a situation where it's not going to be very easy for either of you to compromise. Hard or not, you should be happy. If you aren't happy, then it's time to make a decision. What's best for you?

I'll bet you already know the answer.

Looks like you already know what to do in my opinion.

You can't have love without trust...

Well you can, but its not good.

It sounds like your main problem is he around other people (women) and that bugs you. It seems you are insecure with him being around these other women.

So, yup, it seems like there is no trust (on your part)... so probably moving on is the best idea.

But, the next guy you date...chances are he might talk to women also (*gasp!*) and that could create the same problem for you. Only way around this is to 1) get more confident and have a more trusting relationship or 2) find a shut-in that will never talk to the opposite sex.

lily-

Relationships. Uughhh...

Yeah, there's always the very important trust factor. If there is no trust in a relationship, then what do you have? Trust is the basic foundation of a good solid relationship. You can build anything on trust. But I do think think your fears are irrational....

And then there's respect.....

The mere fact that he is apologizing for his late night behavior repeatedly is a huge red flag as far as I can see. He knows that this late night behavior is unacceptable to YOU and you have obviously told him that it bothers you. He needs to respect your feelings and be willing to make some kind of compromise with you, and even then you may still find yourself disappointed. Otherwise he has no business being in any relationship.

Flag #2. He absolutely should not be serving minors liquor. He is not taking this job/career seriously and it seems to me that he doesn't want to change his behavior simply because you ask him, whether you like it or not.....

You're young. Chalk it up to a lesson learned that you, in the future, avoid relationships with drinkers. I totally understand the concept of preferring to be home with my significant other as opposed to drinking and partying out all the time. This relationship is going nowhere fast!

Do yourself a favor. You can give him an alternative and see if he picks you or his career, but I still wouldn't bet on him changing his behavior in the long run.

I do wish you the best...

18 is underage only in Paraguay or the US and some parts of Canada. All the other countries in the western hemisphere allow drinking at 18 or younger, as do Quebec, Manitoba and Alberta... all of Europe too, with the exception of Russia and Iceland.

The OP didn't state her origin, just her distaste... it may be premature to condemn underage drinking if it isn't so in fact.

Incredibly I agree with loriklorik...  The problem is not his job or his behaviour so much as your insecurity.   Whatever job a person has will throw them into close contact with the opposite sex and if you're not comfortable with that and can't trust your partner (unless there's good reason not to), you're going to struggle with any relationship.  So work on that, whatever happens now.

You got together as kids and it often happens that as people mature, they grow in different directions and at different speeds.  Things that were 'cute' at 16 are 'annoying' when people get to 21 and 'grounds for divorce' at 30.  Don't let nostalgia for the people you were cloud your judgement.

lilyvalley,

I think you need to ask yourself the following question. It's as simple as this: do you like him? Do you WANT to be with him?

Each and every person is going to have SOMETHING about them that you don't like. You can make it work, or you can not make it work. It's pretty much that simple.

If you like him, if you WANT to be with him, you have to accept who he is and what he does and learn to feel comfortable with that. In the 3 1/2 years you've been with him, has he ever given you cause to be justifiably uncomfortable? Does he treat you disrespectfully? Does he pick up other women at work?

I'm going to suggest a book to you. It may not be QUITE the right book, but it might help you answer that first question (Do you WANT to be with him?). The book is called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum'

Good luck, lilyvalley.

Relationships last because of different things,two of the most important are trust and compromise.  If he wont compramise on his time out, and he lies to cover his tracks, its in ultimately going to lead to arguments in the future. I don't feel you are telling him what to do. If you said i don't want you hanging out after work at all, then you would be wrong. Lying is one thing that should never happen, because trust is lost, then more and more you start to question the other persons honesty. Time is something you can never get back, and you cant stay with someone just because he has made you happy in your past. If your future doesn't look happy, then you should think about maybe moving on. Make sure you can live with your decision, because if you break up with him, then go back to him, he may try to push the limits more. (because the consequeces were a brief break up, then you came back) Cheer up, 3 1/2 years is a long time, and I know its hard to move on, but the sun will always rise the next day, and you will smile again.....good luck, and I wish you the best..

Original Post by trustwomen:

Sounds like there are some serious problems with respect to compatibility (desire for partying vs. staying home) and the future (you are not going to become more compatible anytime soon).

Basically, either you will accept his lifestyle, or he will change his lifestyle, or you will break up. (I wouldn't count on the second one.)

 I agree - the last thing to happen is him change. You can't change him. And I'm sure he doesn't like how he's being judged by you.

doesn't sound like he's ready to settle down and give up partying. doesn't sound like you are ready to accept his partying ways or join him.

seems to me that the most likely outcome is going to be you continuing to resent him for hanging out at his job and drinking, and him continuing (or starting to) resent you for wanting him to be home with you all the time.

sorry to say it, but i'd just end it now.

Lilyvalley,

what do you WANT ?

I'd rather he start his REAL career already..and stop serving/bartending. He knows i dont want him to be a bartender full time and he is going to do that...im tired of these stupid little jobs. He should just go to culinary school already..we are 22, and 23.  He needs to have a real career already...thats what i wants. its not that im insecure...i just want him to grow up. im all for acting young and immature and having fun together as a couple which we do a lot but he has to come to reality and get a real job....not keep getting waitressing jobs..its depressing

Some people don't find their jobs right away.  :P

Some people just ffffllloooooaaaattttttt for awhile.  :O

Original Post by lilyvalley87:

I'd rather he start his REAL career already..and stop serving/bartending. He knows i dont want him to be a bartender full time and he is going to do that...im tired of these stupid little jobs. He should just go to culinary school already..we are 22, and 23.  He needs to have a real career already...thats what i wants. its not that im insecure...i just want him to grow up. im all for acting young and immature and having fun together as a couple which we do a lot but he has to come to reality and get a real job....not keep getting waitressing jobs..its depressing

My wife has a pretty extraordinary culinary talent. She makes feasts fit for any fine dining establishment I've enjoyed.

Over the years I've encouraged her to take her talent to the next level, but whenever I do, the conversation ends with her saying something like this: "It'd be fun, but if we had to pay the big bucks for me to take those courses, cooking would end up like a job... and if it ended up like a job, that would ruin the fun of it."

Sometimes, peoples' passions SHOULDN'T be monetized.

... and not for nothing, when you're old and sitting in the nursing home talking about the good old days, the best stories you're going to have are times when you were young and crazy and did wacky or daring things. You're not going to sit around, nibble on bon-bons and talk about all the great times you had paying the bills on time, accurately filling out your tax forms or driving 5km/h under the speed limit.

"... and not for nothing, when you're old and sitting in the nursing home talking about the good old days, the best stories you're going to have are times when you were young and crazy and did wacky or daring things. You're not going to sit around, nibble on bon-bons and talk about all the great times you had paying the bills on time, accurately filling out your tax forms or driving 5km/h under the speed limit."

hata-maybe when you look back to YOUR younger years in the nursing home you'll be happy for all the wacky and daring things you did. But then there's those of us who'll sit back in our rocking chairs thinking 'Thank God I didn't do this and thank God I didn't do that. Thank God I, personally, had the COMMON SENSE not to do some crazy wild things or take those chances. I wouldn't be here if I HAD done this or I maybe I wouldn't have lost that left leg because I did that.

Life just isn't one big party for some of us...Some people are ready to stop goofing off at a much younger age..

You're gonna say "Thank god I didn't do anything fun"?

Remind me not to end up in the nursing home you wind up in. The boredom of hearing riveting tales of drama-free tea parties, nights spent watching TV, and the day you bought your grotesquely oversized SUV with the custom plates of SAF-T-MOM would probably finish me off.

... left leg? The guy isn't jumping shark tanks on his chopper, he's going out partying with his buddies. Not exactly a limb-risking proposition. He's got a good 40 to 50 years of having his dreams crushed by consumerist / corporate culture to look forward to, might as well get the partying in now before getting chained down to societal orthodoxy. The dude is 23 years old... as far as I'm concerned, he's still got some slack before being turned into a pariah for not having his entire life worked out.

That may not jive with what the OP wants from a guy, and she of course is more than welcome to shop around for someone more focused on financial gain than breadth of experience. Maybe she should consider an older guy who isn't still in party mode.