how to break up a live-in bf and get out with all your stuff --- ADVICE

OK, so I have been with a live-in bf for almost 4 years. 

I am done. 

I have not had "the talk" yet.  

I want to be happy like I used to be............

Any advice other than save money?????    

So let me clarify - its your place? As in he moved in and does not contribute to your rent? Or the other way around?

Regardless, step one would be having the "lets break up" talk...

Step One is getting your ducks in a row. Step TWO is having the break-up talk.

Make sure that your finances are separate. (Separate credit cards, separate bank accounts.).  Set up a post office box and start slowly and quietly changing addresses, as needed.  Don't forget utilities ... whose name is on the power? The phone? Start making a list so you don't miss anything.

Housing ... Are you both on the lease? Make sure you've read the lease and know exactly what your rights/responsibilities are about it. Would one of you stay? Would you both leave? What about deposits?

You will need to have a plan for living ... who moves out? Will you live alone? Will a roomie be needed? Who owns which piece of furniture? Start making at least a mental inventory.

good question ---  my place.   we bought the house, but it is in MY name.  

I am scared to have the talk and be stuck living with an ex.........  been there, done that before............  I have to do to it obviously.................  soon!!!!!!!!!!

I did it in the opposite order that Mollymouser recommends - I had the talk and then realized I had nowhere to go!  But... we know each other, so you know I came out okay.

PM me, okay, woman?  I know you must be going through a hell of a time.  {{{Olivia}}}

So I don't know your relationship problems but I know this.

I was with my ex for 3 years. One day I walked in the house and all of my stuff was packed. He didn't say much. Just that it was over.

I was devasted for a week. Staying in my old room at my parents.

Then my life completely changed in such a great way.

I am glad he decided for himself and packed up all my stuff so I knew it WAS OVER.

He didn't answer my calls or allow me to stop by. That was the greatest thing to ever happen, or I would be miserable right now.

Hire a humungous escort to pose as your new boyfriend, and help you explain the situation to him.

You can also have the cops 'keep the peace' while you kick him to the curb.

Okay!

This happen to me a long time ago.

First thing you do is have the talk, tell him why it isn't working.

Don't give him room to save up any money for a place to stay.

Been there done that, and it felt like he wasn't saving up crap.

I told him the relationship wasn't working, and I was giving him 20 days to get out.

You have to break down the whys and the why nots to him.

That's the only way it's going to work, then to put fire under his behind, you tell him. You don't want to have to bring the police or any lawyers into this, you just want a clean break.

Don't fall for the next day or next week lets get married crap with a fake diamond.

The oh, let's get married now. That's what you want, and I know it's been 4 years crap. Just cut his butt loose.

Make it clean and quick, but do have some heart. You don't want hime to think you don't care, just go for a clean break. Do you have proof of cheating? That would be good right about now.. It's easier to put a cheat out than a non cheater.

Well, just a tip....if you plan on kicking him out, you have to give him at least 30 days for it to be a legal eviction. I would say giving it to him in writing and keeping a copy would be smart....that way he can't say that you kicked him out with nowhere to go blah blah blah.

Original Post by olivia77:

good question ---  my place.   we bought the house, but it is in MY name.  

I am scared to have the talk and be stuck living with an ex.........  been there, done that before............  I have to do to it obviously.................  soon!!!!!!!!!!

 You need a lawyer.  You are going have to divide up the property in some fair way.  If he put money into it, then he needs to get that back.  A lawyer will be able to explain equitable division in your state.  I wouldn't try to do this without legal advice, and it doesn't have to be adversarial either.  You want to be fair and you need to get out of the relationship.

sense the place is yours, i like schnooder's idea. pack his stuff so he knows that it is over. no question. that tells someone you are serious, have thought about it long and hard and see no reconciliation. 

when i left my ex, it was so bad i rented an apt and moved clothes a trunk load at a time. each day stopping at my new place after work and emptying the trunk. then, when he would notice anything was gone, i took a day off work, called my brother and sister (how were all too happy to help me) and we took whatever we could fit in my car, my sisters jeep and my brothers truck. and i was gone. it was so bad i didnt care for any of the furniture. i started over and got all new stuff and a new, happy life. cost me over 100,000 but would do it again in a heartbeat. 

good luck to you~

Kattttttt

Original Post by schnooder:

So I don't know your relationship problems but I know this.

I was with my ex for 3 years. One day I walked in the house and all of my stuff was packed. He didn't say much. Just that it was over.

I was devasted for a week. Staying in my old room at my parents.

Then my life completely changed in such a great way.

I am glad he decided for himself and packed up all my stuff so I knew it WAS OVER.

He didn't answer my calls or allow me to stop by. That was the greatest thing to ever happen, or I would be miserable right now.

My first thought when I read this was, "WOW! What an A-hole!"

But that would be coming to a rash conclusion, I have no idea what your part was in this charade.

Having a lawyer or police involved would add insult to injury, as well as doing what schnooder's BF did. Be civil, you've known each other for four years, so talk about it,  but keep a taser on hand just in case. haha..

If he acts like a wild beast and has no capacity for reason, then a brutual solution may be approrpiate.

Original Post by fortius:

My first thought when I read this was, "WOW! What an A-hole!"

Mine too, but really, a strong clear message is the nicest thing you can do for someone. Why drag the pain out over months of hemming and hawing? I did that for 4 years when I should have done it the day I first said things weren't working. I was the A-hole in the end...

thanks, girls....

He is not a bad guy, so I do not see the cops or a lawyer being needed outside of giving me some advice on how to make it work.....    (I hope)

It's going to be brutal, all right,   I am at least $400 short on the by myself budget.   EEK 

Olivia, it's like this. If you are 400 in the whole talk to a family member to float you a loan.  I hope it do workout for you. It's nothing wrong with cutting the dead weight loose, but if he is not dead weight, then maybe you need to address the reasons why you fell for him first, and address the reasons why you want him to leave. That's not going to be easy, but you know your heart better than we do, and you know him a lot better than us also.

My advice to you is this.

Take time and look back on the good times and the bad times, and find out where it all went wrong with the two of you. 4 years is a long time to be with someone. You just have to sit him down and address the issues. Just take your time, and follow your heart.  And if you are going to let him go. Let him go in a respectable matter. You don't get ugly and nasty unless he gets ugly and nasty. Just take your time and make the right choice for yourself.

PM me if you need to chat off the wall. Like RANT! I'm here for ya. LOL

Lynn,

I'd never suggest you do anything nasty or cruel, but I'm def. with Molly Mouser on this one: know what's what and THEN have 'the talk'. You just never know what those talks are going to turn into --not that he's going to attack you or anything. I just think it's good to be prepared in your own mind.

You might let it be known that you're looking for a roomy where you work and to a few trusted friends. If it worked out that could save you a load of hassle. 

Original Post by olivia77:

thanks, girls....

He is not a bad guy, so I do not see the cops or a lawyer being needed outside of giving me some advice on how to make it work.....    (I hope)

It's going to be brutal, all right,   I am at least $400 short on the by myself budget.   EEK 

 My advice is to get your finances together before talking to him. Put together a budget using your income only, see exactly how much is needed to go where. Look at what you can do without or reduce...example: Cable, electricity, eating out, ect...

If you still can't find that $400...look at getting a roommate. It's a great way to help with expenses. Just be sure to have them sign a lease.

One concern I saw was that you said "We bought the house, but it's in MY name." Has he been contributing to the payments? If so, you may have a legal situation there...if he is bitter enough to contact a lawyer, you may be liable to pay him a certain amount. You may want to at least talk with a lawyer to see if there is a possibility that you would owe him anything.

I know when it DRASTICALLY went down hill for me -- and it's stupid.   It was when he got all into online video games like Flyff and World of Warcraft.   He knew FROM THE START that I hate video games, that amount of convincing would change that, and I hate it when he chooses them over me.   He uses it like a bargaining chip --   IF I walk with you and the dog, will you learn to play WOW?   NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  

I wouldn;t mind a roommate ---  I live 25 miles from where I work though, and truly do not know anyone in the small town where we live....   I could put up a note at the library, I guess...  and the grocery store.....     and maybe the churches?  is that creepy if I do not go to any of them? 

YEAH, I have to figure out what I am going to say, what things I want to take with me/leave for him, etc, figure out how to handle the breaking up of the bills in both our names, ETC before I have the talk.  Once it's out there, it's going to be very uncomfortable around here.  

I play MMOs but not a lot of women do, it is mostly guys.  And the guys on there know that they have to balance games and SOs.  They hear about plenty of relationship problems from the ones who don't.  If he isn't making an effort to do that, perhaps THE TALK might convince him to take the problem a bit more seriously.  Would you be interested in continuing the relationship if he did?  All men find things to do without SOs from time to time.  How much time for his interests would you allow him?  Are you angry or is it really just over?

......give WOW a shot when he's not home, I did it, fell in love with it and KICKED HIS ASS in a duel from a friend's house.  I won and that was the end of the video game fights.

Yeah, another WoW (well ex-WoW) player here. It really does cause problems between guys and their gfs when guys choose to play video games over spending time with gf/work/school. Such talk is very prevalent and I'm sure he is aware of the situation that YOU AREN'T HAPPY WITH HIM PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

If you just want him to stop playing video games, I think that's rather unfair for him to just stop doing w/e he loves doing. If you want him to moderate the amount of time he puts into the game, then you guys have some issues to talk about.

I have to say, when i played WoW, lots of guys would tell me how they wanted their gf to just give it a chance and try the game.